AIBU Bipolar or Drama queen?

[kiwicatastrophe]

Have nc for this as quite frankly I may be being terribly selfish and, well a twat to dp. I posted a while ago about him coming out and telling me he thinks hes bipolar and has thought so for years, which I was incredibly supportive of.

When things are good between us, things are brilliant (I mean like, lust and love better than films brilliant), but things have been so tough the past month or two and he had a few strops about things that I decided not to pander to and treated him a bit like a child. He threatened suicide, obviously at which point I pander to him. I have been completely clean cut with him, encouraged him to go and get a proper diagnosis which he wont accept. In the end we went and had a chat with his DPs. Were still fairly young and his mum takes no shit. She shouted at him and told him of course he diddnt have bipolar hes just a drama queen which obviously he diddnt like.

He does have ups and downs but the thing is, when hes happy hes the most infectious person to be around and just bloody delightful. But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky. His DM thinks its because he went to boarding school and they mollycoddled him there, that he has always got away with behaving like this and that he has never lived in the real world or had a proper job until now (furthered his education as much as he could so always lived as a student).

He is the most supportive person in the world to me and others and a joy to be around but occasionally he gets it wrong, and if you don't just ignore that he's done something wrong or tell him how great he is and how much you love him he goes into this spiral of "its not fair you treating me like this", "you're not showing me much love right now", "this isn't very loving, I need you" and kind of tries to emotionally manipulate the situation so hes the loved one again. Its not that theres uneven love, he treats me like I'm the only woman on earth so I know Im going to come across as really really selfish here and maybe I need telling that, It just seems that he makes excuses for things and gets away with things by feeling sorry for himself and If I dont agree then I dont love him

After the week with the suicide threats and talking to dp, I basically told him that if he has felt like this for years (bipolar) then he has a problem that needs a professional opinion/diagnosis. I said it would be different if he was just saying it for attention, at least I'd know he wouldn't actually do it, but how do I know if he will or not? At which point he said "of course its for bloody attention I just want you to love me when Ive fucked up".

So he's admitted he does things like that for attention, but still thinks he actually has bipolar? But hes the most tactile gentle loving person ever. I think hes just being a drama queen.

I dont mean to come across as rude to anyone that does have bipolar disorder. I genuinely really want your insight. I just dont feel like DPs problems are serious enough to be bipolar?

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how cruel and insensitive am I to him?

I think you could substitute any other long term and debilitating illness or condition for 'bipolar' and mitchy's post would still make sense.

The point was not that families should be under surveillance but that when they do need help it isn't there.

Actually no you are wrong.

I have been stable for 4 years, do not even see a psychiatrist anymore and function at a high level, running a business I set up from scratch.

It shows a total lack of understanding of my condition and is prejudiced.

If I want help from SS they would help me, however I do not require it.

At my son's 3 year health check his speech, comprehension and social skills were recorded at the 48 to 60 month level, so I cannot be that useless.

When SS finished their involvement with me they said it was a privilege to meet me and the SW said it was the most successful case she has dealt with in her whole career.

I think mitchy has your condition.

I've had to pursue them for support (as a single parent) at times to have the children recognised as 'in need' rather than the other way around but the resources aren't there unless the situation is already beyond dire.

The point was that if you are ill and for instance need to go into hospital the support isn't there, and therefore the idea that they have everybody under surveillance is a bit ridiculous, not that having a diagnosis should lead to automatic monitoring.

I am sorry if you are upset and I understand what its like when somebody hits a parenting nerve. I just think there has been a misunderstanding.

Sorry for any misunderstanding. I wasn't trying to insinuate that everyone with bipolar would need social services intervention, just asking if it was likely they would get involved in this case. let's see how tonight progresses. nervous!

I have a baby and I work in a high pressure job and am the only earner as DH is a stay at home dad. GP and health visitors didn't bat an eyelid at my bipolar and BPD (I have both). I see a psychiatrist every six months and take my medication religiously. Yet to have any SS interest in my family. Everyone is different. There is no one size fits all when it comes to mental health and treatment.

I really don't think Mitchy meant that every family with bipolar disorder in it needed to be under surveillance - she meant the ones where there is bipolar disorder and the children are young carers, or where there is bipolar disorder and the parent needs to be hospitalised, especially if said parent is a lone parent.

I think your post was just worded badly I am sure you did not mean any offence.

Although SS were great with me, I was saddened they felt the need to get involved with me as it made me feel like a bad parent.

However the SW explained it in terms of risk, because of the BP I had to be monitored.

What angers me is my BIL is a violent drugs dealer who is very aggressive. Everyone, teachers, neighbours etc have reported him but he is seen as low risk. I will not even let my son meet him, yet I was the one with SS involvement, not him.

ral it does take the piss doesn't it. If you have always put your kids first and engaged with treatment ect it clearly does not inhibit your ability to be a brilliant person.
also kind of makes me wonder where you are. There's a man like that who is a neighbour of mine and I've no idea how he doesn't have Ss involvement or even police involvement. don't know how they get away with it!

I am not sure whether SS do not get involved with him as they are scared of him. He has done time for armed robbery. If someone did remove his son he would track them down and either murder them or leave them permanently disabled.

yeah sorry if that was clumsily phrased, I meant that far from heavy handed social services involvement it is actually hard to get any sort of help from them

there was a bizarre arbitrary divide between health and social care and my children (adults now, bar one) fell into the sort of no mans land between them where everyone assumed it was someone else's responsibility to explain what was going on

I am very lucky in that I get a lot of support. I have a health visitor who regularly comes round to see us. SS have made it clear that should I want "child in need" involvement they will help us. However no-one, including me, thinks we need it.
I do not think I am the world's best mum, but I am far better than most of my in-laws. My husband went to another BILs birthday party last week. I stayed home as someone needed to put our son to bed. When DH got home he said SIL was there drinking with a 2 year old, 5 year old and 8 year old. She was still there when he left at 2 am. I am also very sensitive about the subject as the assessing SW described my upbringing as one of the most serious cases of abuse she had ever heard of. She said if SS had been aware I would have been removed. However because my parents did not have a diagnostic label they went under the radar.

He sounds like my Ex who, it was suspected, had Borderline Personality Disorder. He wouldn't get a proper diagnosis either, preferring to throw tantrums, self-harm and threaten suicide all the time.

I haven't read to the end of the thread, but if it hasn't happened already, he needs a proper assessment/diagnosis by a professional. For all your sakes.

Kiwi,

I have been carefully reading through all your posts on this thread to try and make some sense out of DPs behaviour.

Although I no longer practice as a doctor, due to the disability discrimination, I know a lot about psychiatry, not only from my medical studies, but also because I have had a few inpatient admissions, so had to live alongside people with various MH problems.

People have spoken about the possibility of borderline pd. As he is only threatening to top himself, rather than self-harming, I think this unlikely. One of my friends from hospital has borderline pd which she got as a result of horrific child abuse. You basically cannot see her arms nowadays for slice marks. When she gets upset she cuts deep. She can also have very violent outbursts and smash things up.

I think there may be a few narcissistic traits, and maybe even the full disorder there.

Basically I think DPs problem is not so much mental illness, I think it probably relates to his upbringing. It sounds to me like he has been really quite spoiled and throws sulks to get his own road. You mention other things like "he lives off bank of mum and dad" and that "DM paid for him to see a private pain specialist". It sounds to me that he has grown up with this manipulative behaviour. He also sounds very emotionally immature.

To me, this bipolar sounds just like his pain condition. It is basically a card he plays to manipulate and get his own road. I think both conditions have been invented by him.

I would not be able to cope dating someone like this. It sounds emotionally exhausting. Of course he does not want a psychological evaluation. He knows damn well that it is very difficult to pull the wool over psychologists eyes, and the report would come back basically saying there is nothing wrong with him.

Never in all my life have I said to someone "if you do X I will kill myself". That is not what being suicidal is about.

I would recommend you dump him.

But bear in mind that if you do dump him, I'd put a lot of money on him threatening to kill himself.

So there are no massive mood swings, no psychotic breaks, no mania (often with inappropriate risk taking behaviour and no sleep) followed by incredible lows? The list goes on for bi polar and people don't need all of the list to be on the spectrum of it /I could list more 'symptoms'. But, if he only spirals down after arguments, not getting his way or negative feedback this sounds more like he has no coping strategy for problem solving, meeting half way or negotiating & adapting when life isn't going his way. Tho his mum's theory re boarding school is odd, they aren't known for molly coddling emotionally, I'd say its more a case of he didn't get any input on life skills I have mentioned. Only an opinion, you know him best.

How old is he OP?

Thank you for all of the replies, all really helpful!

ral I'm sorry you have had such a hard deal of it. Thank you for all the kind words of advice. It's really helped me make sense of things ie what is and what isn't bipolar disorder and I really don't think he has it.

The comment about him not being taught any life skills is spot on in my opinion. He's 23 so still really young. I've had a tough time of it myself (I'd definitely out myself by going into it on here) but the added pressure of his behaviours is exhausting me to the point where I'm just not functioning right and I don't really know what to do now for the best. I know nobody can make that choice for me but it's difficult especially with everything else going on.
For what it's worth, he wasn't at all like this when we first got together, but he has always played the pain card and I always "looked after him". I'm starting to realise I can't make him grow up.

I'm not a MH expert but I do know two people with medically diagnosed bipolar disorder. What you are describing bears no resemblance to their conditions. The depressive episodes are not miraculously cured by the suggestion of a meal at a nice restaurant! It's the opposite - a meal has been booked at a nice restaurant, they are really looking forward to going, would like nothing better, but depression hits and they just can't face going out at all, even for something they had been really looking forward to. The depression doesn't just stop them doing things they don't want to do, it stops them doing anything at all. It's not cured by someone saying they love them etc., either. The mania isn't just being happy and fun to be around, it's having crazy ideas and not sleeping and doing dangerous things because they think they're invulnerable. They're exhausting to be with and sometimes quite frightening during the manic spells.

I do understand that a lot of posters are worried that you're being somewhat flippant at what could be a serious MH problem, but I think some of them are failing to consider that you may yourself be the victim of a manipulative and emotionally abusive partner. He seems to be using his so-called bipolar disorder as a means to control you and your behaviour, and to ensure that he gets his own way at all times.

I think you should insist that he gets professional MH help if he wants you to continue to be so supportive and understanding. Otherwise, you are calling him on his self-diagnosed bullsh*t and won't let him get away with it any more.

Kiwi Do you think you will be able to stay with him?

Oh and you say he's not controlling but you also said But sometimes he does something wrong, and if hes hurt me and Im not kissing and cuddling him straight after it turns into this big drama where I dont have a choice and I have to show him unlimited amounts of love or he will commit suicide

That is EXTREMELY controlling behaviour. He hurt you, but he won't take any responsibility for his actions in hurting you. Then he won't even let you feel hurt, because he demands that you kiss and cuddle him and, when you are understandably reluctant, HE acts like he's the one who's hurt.

I hope you've realised from the responses on this thread that you're not the selfish, unsupportive one in this relationship. His childhood and his mother are very likely to be the root causes of this bad behaviour of his, but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with it.

In all honesty I don't know if I can stay with him or not. I'm starting to realise the extent of his manipulation and whether it's his fault that he's like that or not. whether it's on purpose or not makes it no easier to deal with.
He's downstairs for the evening and I've come to bed. I've no idea what my intentions are or how to broach the subject with him. I don't have a lot of outside support.
Since he admitted that he was calling suicide just for attention I have felt like he has broken my trust and I'm struggling to get it back. He tends to tell little lies sometimes to make you think better of him, nothing huge but I really don't agree with lying and I'm finding it difficult to trust him again. I explained this at the weekend and he begged me to give him a month to win my trust back but Tbh I'm starting to feel like he never will.

I feel quite guilty because I haven't really considered the impact of us splitting up/staying together would have on the kids it's mostly been us I've been thinking about but it's only me he's like this with.

That sounds really hard.

It's a terrible thing to realise that you can't change someone and yet you can't live with the problems they have either.

I hope you find a way through it that works for you

But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky.

Bipolar and being a dick aren't mutually exclusive. Even if he has bipolar, he's still being a dick and needs to find better ways to communicate.

I've already posted on this thread but I'm a MH nurse with almost 20 yrs experience and it really doesn't sound like he has bipolar, he would not meet the diagnostic criteria.

He may meet some of the criteria for a personality disorder but I think any differential diagnosis is actually irrelevant when we're thinking about YOU.

I see lots of inaccurate accusations of 'emotional abuse' on MN but in this case, he is emotionally abusing you. Threats of suicide when things don't go his way and making you 'love him more' are extremely controlling and manipulative.

He does not think about YOUR feelings at all. He has no regard for how you feel or the effect his emotional dysregulation (Google this term, you might recognise something) has on you. It's all about HIM. You're not loving enough, not paying enough attention, making him feel bad blah blah blah. No acknowledgment of your feelings at all.

You can not 'love him and make him better'. Your relationship is based on what HE wants and needs. You can't question or comment or criticise because he'll go into one of his moods and you'll have to love him and hug him and tell him (through words or actions) that you were wrong and he's right and you are an awful person to make him feel so bad.

This isn't your fault and you can't fix it. No matter how much you love him, it will never be enough for him. You will always fall short because his ' needs' are unlimited. You deserve a mutually supportive and mature relationship. He can not give you that and it really doesn't matter why, what matters is you shouldn't have to live that way and neither should your children.

But it is NOT you, it's him.

As he only aims this behaviour at those around him that can bring him 'instant gratification or else', ie you and those around him at boarding school but not his work colleagues or his kids there is a pattern here that it is in his control totally and NOT pathological in nature. This basically means he is a manipulative cock and is behaving like this to his own ends regardless of the impact on you. I suspect he has no regard for you whatsoever, only himself. Narc if you like.