AIBU Bipolar or Drama queen?

[kiwicatastrophe]

Have nc for this as quite frankly I may be being terribly selfish and, well a twat to dp. I posted a while ago about him coming out and telling me he thinks hes bipolar and has thought so for years, which I was incredibly supportive of.

When things are good between us, things are brilliant (I mean like, lust and love better than films brilliant), but things have been so tough the past month or two and he had a few strops about things that I decided not to pander to and treated him a bit like a child. He threatened suicide, obviously at which point I pander to him. I have been completely clean cut with him, encouraged him to go and get a proper diagnosis which he wont accept. In the end we went and had a chat with his DPs. Were still fairly young and his mum takes no shit. She shouted at him and told him of course he diddnt have bipolar hes just a drama queen which obviously he diddnt like.

He does have ups and downs but the thing is, when hes happy hes the most infectious person to be around and just bloody delightful. But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky. His DM thinks its because he went to boarding school and they mollycoddled him there, that he has always got away with behaving like this and that he has never lived in the real world or had a proper job until now (furthered his education as much as he could so always lived as a student).

He is the most supportive person in the world to me and others and a joy to be around but occasionally he gets it wrong, and if you don't just ignore that he's done something wrong or tell him how great he is and how much you love him he goes into this spiral of "its not fair you treating me like this", "you're not showing me much love right now", "this isn't very loving, I need you" and kind of tries to emotionally manipulate the situation so hes the loved one again. Its not that theres uneven love, he treats me like I'm the only woman on earth so I know Im going to come across as really really selfish here and maybe I need telling that, It just seems that he makes excuses for things and gets away with things by feeling sorry for himself and If I dont agree then I dont love him

After the week with the suicide threats and talking to dp, I basically told him that if he has felt like this for years (bipolar) then he has a problem that needs a professional opinion/diagnosis. I said it would be different if he was just saying it for attention, at least I'd know he wouldn't actually do it, but how do I know if he will or not? At which point he said "of course its for bloody attention I just want you to love me when Ive fucked up".

So he's admitted he does things like that for attention, but still thinks he actually has bipolar? But hes the most tactile gentle loving person ever. I think hes just being a drama queen.

I dont mean to come across as rude to anyone that does have bipolar disorder. I genuinely really want your insight. I just dont feel like DPs problems are serious enough to be bipolar?

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how cruel and insensitive am I to him?

He doesn't have bi polar.

If you choose to stay with this man it will probably end in tears.

If he genuinely believes he has bipolar disorder, he should seek professional and a diagnosis. You cant just decide you're bipolar and then do fuck all about it.

Masses of ignorance on this thread, though, which is depressingly familiar. People know one person with bipolar and base their 'knowledge' of the illness on that.

Not all bipolar is type 1. Some people have BP Type 2 (hypomania and depression, no mania). Some people have rapid cycling bipolar (up and down moods, not long periods of depression and long periods of mania). Some people have dual diagnoses. Lots of people with BP are never sectioned, never suffer from psychosis etc. Not all people with bipolar have 'obvious' mental health issues that their employer would notice or that the police or social services would be involved in.

I have bipolar disorder. My employers have never known, as I dont disclose, mainly due to the ignorant assumptions people make (see above). I have only ever been in hospital once, briefly, as a voluntary patient. My bipolar is rapid cycling, so can present as bratty moods. I currently dont take medication, as it is isnt effective in managing my rapid mod changes, so instead have psychotherapy and use self management techniques. I have never been in trouble with the police. Most people dont know i have this condition. I am not the 'stereotype.

Its a bit like autism (my DS is autistic). People watch 'Rainman' and think they know every autistic person.

Bottom line is, none of US can say if this guy is bipolar or not. Only a psychiatrist can diagnose.

I'm not an expert but do know a lot about bipolar in its less obvious forms, having had it suspected in myself (long history of depression yet noone takes the "manic episodes" seriously) Actually, odds are now that the whole thing was undiagnosed asd. But, cant get a referral to a psychiatrist to give me any diagnosis other than depression.

But any-who, not about me. If your description of everything is accurate, I think he sounds like a spoilt brat, and if so he is the one giving people with mental illnesses bad names, not those who are mentally ill and say he sounds like a great big faker.

I know LOADS of people with bipolar, apart from my self, mainly through MDF self management courses and self help groups, and although there is a lot of variation in the type and severity of mood swings one thing everyone has (or had, some of them have committed suicide along the way) in common is that the condition impairs their social and occupational functioning, noticeably. I think almost all of us have been in hospital at some point or other so I suspect you are right, probably not representative of the bipolar 'spectrum' as a whole but it can be galling to have its devastating impact minimised or downplayed to excuse characterological weaknesses. Which is the picture lots of people can see of the OP's partner.

Notabar - genuine question - your rapid cycling mood changes, are they affected by getting what you want, as the OP's DP seems to be? As in - cast down when not getting own way, and then lifted up again when does get own way? Or are your mood changes completely independent of what is going on in your external life?

I don't know about other people but my mood is both quite obviously informed by life events and interactions with others (and obviously the influence goes the other way too) and also almost has a life of its own. I don't think it's a wholly organic thing where it will just shift up or down several gears completely by itself. It's like that saying about genetics loading the gun and the environment pulling the trigger.

So he spirals down when he doesn't get his own way, wants attention or has fucked up (you mention not meeting a deadline ?)

Has a hissy fit, threatens suicide until he gets the attention he so thinks he deserves the spirals back up ?

Crikey, Is this a miracle cure for BP ? Its amazing a bit of extra attention and you towing the line and he is back to normal again, until the next time.

He sounds like a drama queen not someone with Bi-Polar and actually it makes me cross he is feigning a very serious MH problem to get his own way and manipulate you. Its actually an insult to those with genuine problems.

It doesn't matter whether its bipolar or not. If he's having mental health issues, then he needs to go to a doctor.

If he's well enough not to go to a doctor, he's well enough not to use it as an excuse for poor behaviour...

My moods are both affected by stress and things not being great in my life, and also seemingly random.

The best way I can explain it is that its always there, its my temperament, but stress exacerbates it and can trigger either depressive episodes or hypomanic episodes.

It can make relationships very difficult. I don't know if I could live with me!

Didn't mean to derail the thread. Just my observations.

Agree with the general consensus that if he believes he has a mental health condition and wants to be supported with that, he must seek help.

Even with mental health issues, it is not acceptable to try to control another person in this way, not allowing them to have a differing opinion or emotion.

I think his diagnosis is a bit of a red herring, except that it is ultimately something that he needs to pursue, not the OP.

I agree that there is a lot of ill informed, judgmental nonsense on this thread relating to mental health. It is sad.

notabar

What self management techniques do you use? I find Moodscope and Mood Mapping really helpful, but would really appreciate you telling me if there are other techniques I could be using.

Can anybody help me? not posted today but things have been worse. I've been a bit distant since he got home just generally wondering what to do and if he's being genuine about things or not and he doesn't like it at all.
The way he has treated me since he got in has been awful, pushing for the love and affection and if I'm not "stepford wifey" he just gets nasty and sour and goes on about how I should be grateful I'm with him, he's holding this family together and he's been through so much supporting me through difficult times its been so hard for him (even though he's not actually been through them and I would never treat him like this). He's getting really nasty and manipulative and I don't know what to do. kids are in bed. help

Hi raltheraffle.

I use Mindfulness. Been using the book and CD since July and lately have not needed the guided meditations as can get myself into a peaceful state for 10 minutes by myself. You have to practice it. Its boring and difficult at first, especially if you're feeling twitchy, but it has definitely helped keep hypomania at bay for me.

Also exercise. I have joined a gym (totally unfit and exercise phobic), but the difference it makes to my mood if I exercise for just half an hour in the morning is quite amazing. It sort of levels me out and zaps anxiety.

I also use Moodscope and keep my own mood diary.

Also do the Artists Way. Its a great book. It encourages you to write three pages every morning, just a kind of brain purge, and its quite powerful if you can keep it up.

I have completely cut out caffeine from my diet (was a coffee addict), and am trying to cut down on booze. Have also switched from cigs to low nicotine vaping.

I am not saying these things magically work. I still have bad days. But I am trying to get a better sense of my own moods and more control over stopping them zooming quickly into depression or hypomania.

Xx

Lots of people with BP are never sectioned, never suffer from psychosis etc. Not all people with bipolar have 'obvious' mental health issues that their employer would notice or that the police or social services would be involved in

Notabar has made a very good point here. I only got Dx as bipolar as I got sectioned. However I had been ill will bipolar for 6 years prior to this, just no-one diagnosed it. During that 6 year period I went to see my GP several times as I was concerned about my behaviour. I explained to GP I was speeding in my car, laughing at things for no reason and "acting like I am drunk". The GP did not diagnose or suspect mania at this point and I was sent away with no help.

The problem with bipolar is it is a Dx only made by consultant psychs or psychotherapists. A GP can suspect BP, but a diagnosis is supposed to be made by a specialist.

However it is very difficult to get a specialist psych opinion on the NHS unless you happen to be very ill.

This means a lot of people with BP (including my mum and paternal gran) never get an official Dx and never get the help they need.

It may be that this guy does have bipolar. I guess it is a possibility and he definitely needs further evaluation. As Notabar said it can take several forms. I once dated a guy with ultra-rapid cycling and although we had many features in common, there were differences. He seemed to spend every morning depressed and then by the evening he was the life and soul of the party. He also had dreadful anger management issues, which was why we split up, but this may not have been due to his condition, could just have been his personality.

OP I find it very odd that someone who claims to have BP does not want to be evaluated. If I suspected I had some physical health problem I would welcome a specialist opinion. It is either he does not want the label confirming to him, or he knows damn well there is nothing wrong with him and he will get exposed as a faker.

Thanks Notabar. I also do mindfulness. I started it for borderline pd, but it helped me so much with the borderline I got downgraded to borderline traits.
I am going to get that Artists Way book and give that a try too.

Kiwi,

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I would just tell him to piss off.

Him not surprised he doesn't want to see a GP. Why would he? The only person this "illness" affects is you.

I imagine he's more than happy having you run round after him and taking no responsibility for himself.

I'm

sorry to hear things are so horrible kiwi what do you want to do?

I just want to know the truth without any arguing or aggro but I know that's totally unrealistic. He's just made me feel so shitty and unsupportive.

it sounds horribly stressful :( can you have a break from one another for a night or two?

Kiwi it sounds like he's making it easier for you to call time, if that's what you want to do.

kiwicatastrophe I don't think you're getting the help & advice you need on this thread, possibly because it's in AIBU and with so many people focussing on mental health issues rather than his abuse of you.

Can I suggest that you post a separate thread in Relationships where hopefully you will find some supportive people who can give you some good advice?

Kiwi,

I really do not think he has bipolar. Even if he does have bp that is not an excuse for treating people like crap.