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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

387 replies

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 08:51

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

OP posts:

Jazzicatz · 10/10/2014 08:56

Can I ask, why are you going to meet them?

IrenetheQuaint · 10/10/2014 08:57

Um. Why on earth does your boyfriend expect you to meet this man?

redexpat · 10/10/2014 08:58

What will happen if you dont go? If your relationship progresses this man will be a part of your life. If you dont deal with it now, you could be dealing with it for the rest of your life.

You could say please dont speak to me like that. Or I find thst attitude very outdated. could we talk about something else please?

Make sure you stay sober so that you can drive away if it gets too much.

MagnificentMaleficent · 10/10/2014 08:59

Hmmm, well your DP could tell his DF he isn't prepared to let his girlfriends be spoken to in that way.

Or you could brightly reply "Gosh, you're very inappropriate aren't you?"
Or if anyone apologises for him say "Oh don't worry, the older generation often don't realise what is offensive these days" whilst smiling at him like he is in his dotage.

That should wind him up good and proper.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 09:02

because the boyfriend wants me to meet them. He has met my family.

I dont want to meet them, and they dont paticullary want to meet me. Im not even sure they know im going.

The dad apparently doesnt make any plans but sends a text asking his two sons for dinner, with less than 24hrs notice.

They dont see or communicate, save this dinner, that happens every month/ six weeks.

I need to arrange a babysitter, and the boyfriend has tried to find out from the dad when the dinner is happening, but just gets one word text replies if he gets a reply at all.

We have sort of assumed it will be the evening, but dont really know, i dont know if we are going out, or he is cooking, so, what i should wear, or take, or anything, but apparently, this is how it is so i just have to go along with it.

But, most of all, i loathe the thought of being judged on my ' machineness'

its so inappropriate.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 10/10/2014 09:04

Why not just get awfully drunk and argue back? It sounds like quite good fun.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 09:05

The DP isnt going to say anything like that. He told me he used to argue with his last gf about the fact that his dad always puts him down and he doesnt stand up for himself.

the only saving grace is that, if things do progress, then it wont be more than a few evenings a year. because he doesnt see his own son more than that. He didnt even send him a birthday card let alone a present. He got a text the following day, that was it.

OP posts:

pictish · 10/10/2014 09:06

You know you can call him out on it don't you? If she says something inappropriate.

"Please don't refer to me as a machine...I am a person, just the same as you."

You don't have to sit there and be objectified in the name of politeness. Start as you mean to go on, and calmly make it clear it's not going to wash with you.

pictish · 10/10/2014 09:06

he not she

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 09:07

getting pissed and arguing with a drunk 60 year old man isnt my idea of fun.

OP posts:

traviata · 10/10/2014 09:08

I'd go for constant patronising. Say "Aww" whenever he expresses an opinion. Whisper loudly to your BF that his DF is "doing well for his age" or something. Behave as if you are visiting a museum where they are displaying the set of a Carry On film or Benny Hill, act like an observer, considering it all to be quaint.

sympathies, the DF and brother sound ghastly, but at least I have some sympathy for the brother (who knows what complex psychology is at work there?).

SavoyCabbage · 10/10/2014 09:08

I would speak to your boyfriend and suggest to him that the meeting is shorter rather than a dinner.

I would also say that you assume that he will say something to his father if he speaks to you inappropriately.

starfishmummy · 10/10/2014 09:10

No you don't have to "go along with it".
If he cant be bothered to make an effort to make firm plans then why should you drop everything to fit in?

Your boyfriend is as bad if he allows his father to behave like this towards his (the son's) girlfriends. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with people like that?

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 09:11

Im not afraid of confrontation at all, but i think, even i, would find it hard to say something like that.

There are going to be just 4 of us there. Im the only female and the only one who doesnt know them.

Its going to be a really difficult situation.

OP posts:

ArgyMargy · 10/10/2014 09:13

Just be yourself. And keep an open mind. Who knows he may not live up to his pre-publicity...

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 09:16

'Oh that was quite funny....back in 1972...'

With guys like this you'll never win, sorry! DPs mums boyfriend (complicated huh!) is just like this, a wanker basically. On our second date we bumped into his mum and her bf in the pub, he got behind me, rubbed my arse and said 'that's one for he wank bank!'. I was stunned!

He hasn't changed, he's kind of wary of me because I answer back now and I'm funnier than him - men like that HATE that. I've got the measure of him due to other stuff and DP was never overly keen anyway but we're all civil for his mums sake.

ItsFunnierInEnochian · 10/10/2014 09:16

My exDPs father was quite similar. He detested me as I wasn't a quiet little woman who sat in the corner and waited on the men folk 24/7. I also challenged every sexist racist homophobic comment he ever made. ExDP found it hilarious to watch his DF splutter as nobody, let alone a woman had "back chatted" him before. Sorry pal, my sisters a lebsian , no she won't turn my kids gay, half of my family are mixed race not "mongrel breeds" and no I will fucking well not make myself useful and get you a cuppa and biscuits.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 09:17

There are odd family dynamics at work, i know there is a whole back story and i dont need to go into it here, but, it is how it is.

Im not going to issue rules to my new DP, its up to him. I wont have much to do with his family, as its not often they see each other.

to me, it seems shit that he cant be bothered to make firm plans. i also think it is shit he didnt rememeber his sons birthday, but, its not up to me to shout and deal with it. Its my boyfriends issue, not mine.

There isnt any chance of having a shorter meeting. Its dinner or nothing. This isnt a special effort to meet me , its just the meet that happens every so often and im going along.

OP posts:

LosBreakingBad · 10/10/2014 09:19

This sounds remarkably like my MIL. She's offensive and hurtful. My husband has never stood up to her. This was annoying but manageable until we had children. She was vile. She didn't like the names, only loved girls ( I had boys) and worse. My husband didn't say a word, just stood there and let her insult my new born babies.
I have never forgiven him for it and it has caused a huge rift in our marriage.
My advice is to confront it straightaway. If your DP objects/doesn't support you run for the hills. It will only get worse.

Vycount · 10/10/2014 09:20

Make sure you drive. Then if need be you can announce that you're leaving and leave your BF there if he doesn't come with you.
I'd be having second thoughts about a BF who a) puts up with this sort of crap and b) was insistent that I had to as well.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 09:20

yeah, i know there is no winning with men like that.
which is sort of the issue.

I almost dont know how im going to behave myself. I challenge things like that with people i know, or come across, but with a new DP;s father. when there are so few people there, and only men?

i dont know
Sure as fuck, im not making anyone tea though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 09:24

lets get it straight, my bf isnt insistent i have to put up with anything.

he just wants me tomeet his dad and had pre warned me.

he puts up with it as its the only family he now has. he doesnt agree with it, its just his dad and how he is.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 10/10/2014 09:26

I really don't understand why you're going.

Surely, if your boyfriend knows you're going to be mistreated then he won't expect it to happen?

Just say you don't want to meet him at dinner. You'll go for a drink or something, then leave when he's being a prick.

You don't have to do this.

Babycham1979 · 10/10/2014 09:27

Look at it like this, it will make a brilliant anecdote. Get pissed, have a laugh and try to enjoy yourself, even if only for the comedy value.

Your BF sounds like he's stuck ni the middle of an awful situation. Grit your teeth, and do it for him; get out early and retire to the pub for a laugh about it all. If the family are as.... idiosyncratic as they sound, at least they wont be offended at you laughing at their odd behaviour.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 09:29

Im going because my boyfriend wants me to.

He doesnt know im going to be ' mistreated' he just knows what his father can be like, so has pre warned me.

OP posts:

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