To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

[Vintagecrap]

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays

Um yes, the condition is called "being a sexist arsewipe"! As for the sucking of the previous girlfriend's toes, I think I speak for us all when I ask WT actual F??

Could you try laughing, as if you find it amusing that someone would be so old-fashioned? Make it clear you are ridiculing him, not laughing with him eg "I can't believe you just said that, this is like a Benny Hill sketch"

The reality is that you won't change DP's father, and he may not care what you think of him anyway, but you may feel better if you don't let it go unchallenged

he means some sort of aspergers thing. He isnt just sexist, he apparently just goes around offending people, but like he doesnt know what is the right sort of thing to say. He is also very obsessive about certain things and has periods of manic behaviour when he works.

So, i dont want to be nasty to him, if he hasnt got a clue. Thats not nice, but equally, my tolerance of being called bird' died in the 1990's.

I have no idea on the toe sucking thing. I cant see how that ever happened, or how that was ever ok.

If it's bothering you enough to feel anxious about the meeting I really wouldn't go. Your boyfriend has done you quite a disservice by building g the situation up rather than underplaying it. If he had just said that his Dad was a bit odd and old fashioned in his views you would probably have just rocked up and dealt with it.

If you really have to go then just nod and be polite. The advice on MN always seems to be to fight your corner but I'm really not sure all of those who talk so defiantly really live their lives that way. Sometimes people are rude and you call then out on it, sometimes people are rude and you bite your tongue and get the event done vowing never to repeat it.

Ok, so you're going to please your BF and you don't have to go again very often. You just need to think about how to get through it with the minimum pain for you then. You don't have to participate, you don't have to make them like you, you just need to get through it to show willing. I would treat it like an anthropological observation, I think - that way you are not going to feel hurt by any of the bizarre things they say and do. Just sort of observe as a distant outsider. I have survived some of my own family get-togethers like this.

Obviously if they do say anything dreadful, you can say "please don't speak to me like that" or you can get up and go. But just make sure it doesn't upset you. If you can distance yourself appropriately, you should be ok. Good luck!

But you write as if you had no choice but to go.

"because the boyfriend wants me to meet them. He has met my family.
I dont want to meet them, and they dont paticullary want to meet me."

This isn't about his dad. The real issue is why is your boyfriend insisting that you meet his badly behaved family and telling you to expect to be insulted and take it, because he will not defend you.

Most people, if dealt with a family like that, would avoid putting their partner in that situation. He's insisting on it. Why?

There is absolutely no need for you to meet them.

I would wonder if he's trying to show me a side of himself I may not like.

Not an easy one, your bf wants you to meet his family and has at least warned you about them. To my mind it comes down to, do you want to have a row and maybe contribute to a rift between them or can you put up with this throwback for a few hours.

Personally I'm not sure I could put up with it, a member of my family talking to my girlfriend in this manner, but if your bf has grown up with it he obviously realises his dad won't change. It might even be that his dad thinks he is being funny, but I suspect not.

I think I'd go along with every intention of being polite and friendly but would make it clear to DP that I would stand up for myself/leave if he really overstepped the mark.

Is there any possibility your DP has made him sound worse than he is just to make sure you know what you're getting into?

Thanks, those are useful messages.

I think, its very different to my family. But you are right, i dont have to participate. I can just go and be an observer.

The brother wont talk to me anyway, i know that, he barley talks as it is.

My bf will talk, and thats fine. So, ill just leave the dad to it. Or throw the odd bomb in about stuff i have done, and watch him try to process it.

Im educated and have lived a very interesting life, which is different to the boyfriends previous girlfriends. So, maybe ill just sit back and drop unexpected things into the conversation for my own amusement.

Also you hint that the Dad has done rather well for himself and the brother lives off 'family money'.

It seems to me that your boyfriend wants to ensure his place in the will so panders to his Father's demands and whims, and tolerates his bad behaviour. Never a good sign I'm afraid, if he had a backbone he would stand up to his Fathers bad behaviour and risk losing his inheritance.

brightest, dont be daft.
Im not being forced to go.
My boyfriend isnt insisting.
He would like me to go. I havent yet met his family. he has met mine a fair few times. Its quite usual that people want to introduce people to their families.

He hasnt said i have to take any behavior. He had pre warned me his dad is a difficult person.

He isnt trying to show me any side i might not like. He is just taking me along to one of his family dinners.

no need to make it out like imbeing abused .

New. no, that is not it at all.

The family money comes from another source. Nothing to do with the father.
My boyfriend also has family money, also not to do with the father.

The dad is the only family member that is left. He knows he is a rubbish father and has apparently, said sorry for it a few times, but doesnt really know how to solve it, or what to do. Which is probably a product of his own childhood. But thats by the by.

My dad is shit.
Ive stood up to him lots. Argued with him till im blue in the face, lost sleep, cried for hours. tried talking it out, tried letters, tried shouting. I dont bother now. I see him as and when, he have no relationship. You cannot change other peoples behaviour, you can only change how you deal with it. I let my dads crap wash over me now, as its his choice. I suspect this is very much how my boyfriend is with his dad.

Er, bit of an overreaction there, OP! I'm not making out like you're being abused, I'm quoting what you wrote, and offered a single opinion at the end. No need to jump on me because you don't like it.

i think what you posted was a bit of an overeaction also.

Of course i have a choice.

I like to refer to sexist men as having "womb envy". Because that's what it really boils down to - they hate that we have all the pussy, and that such an important thing as giving life is left to us little girlies.

Hi Vintage,

I think some of the other posts are not helpful in helping you feel less stressed about this.

Basically your DP wants you to meet his family - that is a sign that he is committed to you. He also recognises the strange behaviour of his family and is warning you in advance, presumably to reduce any tension on the actual occasion of the meal.

You are right that you only have control over your own response to other's behaviour and not over the behaviour itself. You have chosen to go so now you need to think about how you will respond - forewarned is forearemed and all that...

I wouldn't prepare for a fight/argument, I'd plan as if it were any other family get together where you will be meeting new people - you'll want to make a good impression but one that asserts your own character. This is the only family your DP has left so he isn't going to break off from them - that is worth remembering before following any advice to ridicule his father or turn into feminist uber bitch! Just be yourself and if an inappropriate comment is made you can just say "I'm sorry but I don't agree". This will either result in an invitation for further discussion or not.

The suggestion that you take the car and stay sober is a useful one.

Finally, if the family don't know you are going and/or you are not sure you are invited then best to get DP to send a response to the text saying something like "I'll be bringing Vintage with me" just to avoid any shocks for the other side as well...

Good Luck and I hope you manage to enjoy the evening.

Thank you x

i dont want a fight either, that is just as inappropriate.

I shall take the car and not drink, i like that idea.

I shall get him to ask, i need to know for babysitters times anyway.

That has managed to soothe me a bit :)

The way to change attitudes is to challenge them. Pick him up on everything.

Meet him with an open (wary) mind and just see how it goes. At least give it one chance and if he is really that bad, you don't have to go back.

Please report back!

so, your advice would really be, that i pick up my new boyfriends father, on everything he says that i dont agree with, the first time i meet him, and most likely, in his own home after he has cooked me dinner?

really? is that really what you would do?

to what ends? so that we have a massive row? so that is causes a divide between his dad and my boyfriend?

Thats not right either, is it.

My FiL is a little bit sexist and, in his head, he is still the same handsome lothario/unfaithful bastard he has been all his life, but now he is a stopped octogenerian.

The first time he made a comment about me I just said with a smile, that it was a terribly inappropriate thing to say to his son's wife.

I also have a list of sentences/subjects to rapidly steer the conversation in a new direction if he reverts to type.

Passive aggresive rudeness may be your friend.

Good luck, and I hope that your boyfriend has over-egged it, and you may survive unscathed and unoffended.

I probably wouldn't try to pick a fight - really depends how bad he is. Some people, behaviour and statements are just to much to ignore.

What if you were black or jewish and he started saying outrageous racist things?

I just think you need to keep 2 of MN mantra's in your mind.

Did you mean to be so rude!
Oh do fuck off dear!

Tick.
I'm sure it won't be as bad as you are expecting.
You may get on famously.
Go along with the mindset that you are going to enjoy it.
You probably will.

I dont know.

I would probably be polite, leave as soon as possible, tell my boyfriend how hurt i was, and never go back.

?
I'd probably say as little as possible but be polite and humor him?, change the subject or steer the conversation where necessary.
Challenging is unlikely to make him see your point of view and will just make the visit even more unpleasant