To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

[Vintagecrap]

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

Sorry, read the first two pages but not all

Thanks for the concern with the drinking.

I had my last drunk around 9pm ish. Possibly earlier and then moved onto water, where I had about 3 pints from 9 till 12.

I didn't drive till gone 1.

I also had eaten a 3 course meal.

I felt very very sober. Possibly the whole thing might not have felt so bad if I was pissed or even a bit tipsy.

It's possible but unlikely that I was over the limit. If I had felt impaired in any way I would not have driven.

Well I would have driven.

Its done now.

But often hard to tell if sober even if you felt it.

Stopping drinking at 9 is slightly different, yes. I'd say it would have been 50:50.

Anyway you are fine so thats what counts

Wow - just caught up on this thread.

Personally I would be running a mile - the best advice I've ever seen on Mumsnet is "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."

Your BF has told you who he is in no uncertain terms.

And the lesson that has been learned and shared is "always have an escape route". It sounds like a truly awful evening.

OP sounds awful.

Please don't take back this man. He put you in an awful situation and then joined in. Drinking is no excuse for doing that, and if he thinks it is, that's an issue in itself.

He made you feel vulnerable, and I do think the word violated is appropriate here actually, though not physically. The fact that you were trapped there and felt too scared to leave also says alot.

He did this to you, not his dad. His dad is convenient to hide behind, that's all.

Why are you still bothering about this man so much OP? As opposed to being disgusted and wanting to distance yourself as much as possible from him and his disturbed family?

I mean, how much does it take to put you off someone? You can't be that fond of him, its a relatively new relationship. Its not that hard to find a boyfriend, and even if it is, its better to be single than involved in something like this.

Exactly Chelsy! That's exactly what I can't understand!

There are so many lovely men out there, who respect women.

LTB

There is someone better out there for you.

OP your choice to stay with this man. But at least he should be man enough to accept that he is an arse and stop trying to shift bale to his father. He was the one who:

• sang abusive songs about women
• drank like a lout
• exposed his girlfriends, including you, to unacceptable behaviour.

You can continue to be with him but at least do so in the basis of the type of man he is and quit making ecxuses for him.

I agree Takingthemickey. He said he'd forgotten how bad his dad could be, but had he also forgotten that he ends up joining in and being as bad himself?

I'm a bit worried about driving based on whether you 'feel' impaired, often the whole point is that judgment about being impaired, is impaired!

Hope you are feeling recovered from the evening OP, honestly this will make a great anecdote in time.

Have you sent a thank you letter Vintage?
Maybe you could email Dad ccing Son describing exactly how the evening was so special and regretting how you probably won't ever have the pleasure of meeting him again.
That should do it.

Hi Vintage,

I firmly believe that when people are drunk, it doesn't make them behave in ways that are new and strange and not like them. It exaggerates characteristics and behaviours that are always there, even if when they are sober they can keep the lid on the worst ones.

I have issues with some of the things DP does when v. drunk. It's made me think twice about our relationship at times. But, they are just extensions of how he is sober, (so for example we enjoy a bit of banter/debate/teasing all the time, but when drunk this at times tipped over into his being hectoring/repetitive/obnoxious. He quickly found out that this was not going to be acceptable, and it's stopped.). How people behave when drunk is still their personality, and still basically under their control unless they have a very serious problem with alcohol and drink to the extent of blacking out.

So I can understand the temptation to want to believe he can control this. But there's a difference. There's nothing essentially wrong with liking banter/debate/teasing. We both like it. It was the extent to which he took it when drunk that I objected to, and he was able to control taking it too far.

Let's think about what your DP did when v. v. drunk. Never mind the Dad's behaviour, that's not your problem.

I'd assume these are all aspects of his personality, that he lost the ability to hide or keep on top of when drunk...

he is sexist. He finds these things funny.
He does not see it as his role as boyfriend to defend or protect you when you are in a difficult, offensive and probably quite frightening situation. I don't mean we all need a Knight in Shining Armour or someone macho to protect us, I mean not accepting someone we love being treated like shit. In fact, not joining in with someone we love being treated like shit. Abusive behaviour towards you, is ok by him.
He refuses to leave when you need to protect yourself.
Taking his word at face value, he drinks to the extent that he essentially blacks-out, cannot control himself, has no memory of what he did. This is extreme alcoholism. And he's using it as a way of excusing what happened?

Deep down, however 'nice' he manages to project himself the rest of the time, or for the first 4 months of a relationship when he's been on his very best behaviour, he's shown that he's a) sexist b)unreliable and unsupportive c) doesn't mind seeing you abused d) joins in with abuse e)forces you stay in situation of abuse f)an alcoholic.

Are you still wondering if he's worth it? Second chances are for mistakes. None of those things are mistakes; they are who he is. The reason he is like that is not important. So, he has a crap family. He's an adult and can make his own mind up about what sort of person to be. This is what he has decided to be.

*Lottie, if you decide to put up with shit behaviour just to hang on to a man then that's your lookout.

Fortunately, most women here seem to have standards.*

Righttttttttttttt, yeah of course, that must be it! I'm so desperate to get a man, any man, that I put up with shit behaviour and have no standards, of course!

Glad to know "most women here" must have perfect partners, and in fact, be perfect themselves!

Seems odd that I must be in the minority, that I have a husband who is 99.9% of the time loving, caring and unselfless and makes me happier than anyone ever else has, on top of being a great father, but very occasionally behaves like a bit of a twat, because, surprise, surprise, he's NOT perfect, and makes the odd mistake, then I'm desperate, because I don't throw him out?

And you know what? I make the odd mistake in life and relationships too. Maybe because I'm human. Any ideas how I can punish myself??

When my DH is drunk he tells me how much he loves me, cuddles me a lot then slides to the floor with a big silly grin on his face.

If he did what the Op described our relationship would have been over by the second date.
Drunkenness is no excuse - it is clearly the family norm to be abusive towards women and they get together and do this to an isolated woman every now and then for a laugh.

lottie sarcasm ill-becomes you. We're none of us perfect, and nobody here is advocating Vintage LsTB because he forgot to flush the loo once. She was subjected to an evening of humiliation and discomfort bordering on abuse. all of which reveals her BF's underlying attitudes towards women and what seems to be a serious drink problem.

As KentishGirl very well put it , second chances are for mistakes. This event was not a mistake. In fact, the more I read/think about it, the more pre-planned it appears.

PedantMarina - I think most of us have been an arse at least once under the influence of drink, I know I have. The BF's behaviour was unacceptable, there is no denying that. BUT if he has no previous incidents prior to this (and everything has gone well), then I don't think it's fair that the OP is getting shot down in flames for "considering" taking him back, it's her choice.

Maybe the BF feels intimidated by his Father / nervous at the OP meeting him, and threw too much booze down the hatch in a botched attempt at social lubrication, which just all went very badly wrong.

If I were in her situation and everything had been going well previously, I would consider giving him a second chance, as long as it was clear that he regretted the incident, realised how upsetting it had been to the OP and took measures to make sure nothing similar would ever happen again, such as never drinking when in the company of his father etc.

But again that's the OP's choice, and she should be respected, whatever she decides.

lottie

Maybe the BF feels intimidated by his Father / nervous at the OP meeting him, and threw too much booze down the hatch in a botched attempt at social lubrication, which just all went very badly wrong.

Actually I think you may have a point there - I'm not convinced it was planned at all.

If I were in her situation and everything had been going well previously, I would consider giving him a second chance, as long as.......... (he) took measures to make sure nothing similar would ever happen again, such as never drinking when in the company of his father etc.

Sorry, but that last point just doesn't sound realistic. Good in theory, but if he was so intimidated by his dad that he drank huge amounts the first time, then it seems very unlikely that he would be able to resist his dad's inducements to drink next time.

But again that's the OP's choice, and she should be respected, whatever she decides.

You have a point there too.

Sorry, but that last point just doesn't sound realistic. Good in theory, but if he was so intimidated by his dad that he drank huge amounts the first time, then it seems very unlikely that he would be able to resist his dad's inducements to drink next time.

Zombie....... let's face it, when most have us have ended up plastered in situations we shouldn't be, we have gone out to "only have a couple", which is the slippery slope. It's a lot easier to make a decision that when you're in certain situations, not to drink at all, and stick to it, rather than just "have a couple".

But you're right, he may not be able to resist it, but I would be making it clear that the consequence of that (based on his behaviour the last time), would be the end of the relationship.

Regardless of whether that statement is right or wrong, the fact remains that a person who drinks heavily has either decided to do it or has no self-control. If they then behave very badly while under the influence that's a direct consequence of their decision or their poor self-control. Either would be a red flag for me. Most people who drink heavily do behave badly. At the very least they become boring but they are also often obnoxious, occasionally violent. They vomit, they lose bladder control, they may even lose bowel control. All utterly vile when it's self-inflicted.

It's either about self control, or about being an alcoholic if you want to claim it's not.

either way, not good in a potential partner.

I've got drunk and done some things I now feel very embarrassed about. I can even say that once I did something that isn't really like me at all. But it came out of where I was emotionally at that point, it didn't come from nowhere. I had no self control at that point. I have to admit that. And I haven't forgotten once awful second of it. But it didn't involve being abusive and going along with attitudes that are revolting to me sober. I don't believe that would come out of nowhere either.

'I firmly believe that when people are drunk, it doesn't make them behave in ways that are new and strange and not like them.'

It may make them behave in ways which are unusual for those around them, but I too think that it comes from a deeper place inside the person involved. If I properly lost control then I have no doubt that I would be vile, as I am constantly restraining the worse part of my nature.

I think that if you're trying to pretend you don't have that dark side, then you do have more potential to be surprised by your own behaviour when pissed. It's all very psychological.

Also, I'd hazard a guess that those people who are worried they may have nasty depths are generally MORE careful not to lose control.