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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

387 replies

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 08:51

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

OP posts:
figgieroll · 12/10/2014 08:53

Sorry didn't get your last bit

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 08:53

You can't say cunt in Canada
Saying cunt's not very nice at all
No, you can't say cunt in Canada
So we asked the sheilas what they called it

And they said muff, moot, minge, quinn, twat, little flower, twinkle, tunnel of love,
So if you say cunt in Canada,
You gotta say it with a velvet glove.
And, you can't say cunt in Canada

Now, you can't say cunt in Canada
So I thought I better ask the guys
Now, you can't say cunt in Canada
Why wasn't I surprised

When they said gash, pussy, poontang, beef curtain, burger, gateway to her guts
(Gateway to her guts? What was I smokin' when I wrote that one?)
Split whisker, beaver, long-eye, front bum, growler, hairy lassoo
No, you can't say cunt in Canada
Cause cunt's considered pretty fuckin' rude

No, you can't say cunt in Canada
So when I get to Montreal
If you're gonna say cunt in Canada
You gotta say it in French as well

So here goes: pilerplut, la cunt, president, miteron, kiss kiss pepe le pew
No, you can't say cunt in Canada
Cause cunt's considered pretty damn rude
And you can't say cunt in Canada

There you go. I'm sure it's meant to be funny. Except it not.
It's even less funny when you are the only female in the room with drunk men crying with laughter at beef curtains

OP posts:
Nerf · 12/10/2014 08:57

Why would your mum come and get you if you drove? Your car would have been stuck somewhere.
I'm really struggling to imagine this - how long have you been with the boyfriend and did he never show anything similar?

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 08:58

OP. Your mistake was staying for so long. You had a car, you were not drinking, you could have left hours before you did.

Don't allow yourself to put up with this bollocks in future.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 09:02

My car was at the boyfriends. We shared a taxi to his dad's.

That was probably my mistake. I drank a few glasses of wine. Wouldn't have mattered if my car was left somewhere, could have gone to get it this morning.

Been with him nearly 4 months. Never seen him like this at all. Utterly shocked.

Seen him drunk a few times but he wasn't like this at all, not even a tiny bit.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 12/10/2014 09:03

You have dodged a bullet OP.

Please don't accept any lame excuses from DP. He has to be history.Sounds like he has a ton of emotional baggage you would be wading through your whole relationship.

You did well to get out so early. You cannot expose your DD to a man who thinks this sort of behaviour is OK.

justmyview · 12/10/2014 09:03

Dodged a bullet there OP

Maybe you could send him a text asking him not to call you again?

Thanks for update. I was wondering how it went.

justmyview · 12/10/2014 09:04

Ha, cross post with hamptoncourt !

Nerf · 12/10/2014 09:05

Blimey what a wake up call. Can't see anyway out of this one where you could respect him or want him around your dd.
I'm really sorry , I don't think you could have done anything to make it okay or to stop it descending apart from leaving earlier. Really don't let him explain it away. How could you ever trust him again?

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 09:05

I should have left sooner. I was caught in the ' trying to be polite and let it wash over me' thing.
Then they were all really drunk, it was dark and somewhere I didn't know the address and didn't fancy leaving by myself. I didn't want to cause a big scene and couldn't work out how to extract myself from the situation.

Penthouse suite, 10 floors up. Rabbit Warren of luxury flat complexes. ... makes it hard to just walk out.

OP posts:
whattheseithakasmean · 12/10/2014 09:06

Unbelievable that song has been made & recorded. And then played. In front of you. It beggars belief, but this is one to definitely throw back in the sea.

On the bright side, although it was a horrific experience, it is a memorable 'bad dating' story for friends and a future lovely partner.

The lesson I would want to take from it is the fact you were sober, with a car, and yet you stayed while they played that song. For my own sake, I would want to explore the reasons why I did that. It sounds unhealthily man pleasing, or maybe people pleasing. You did not have to put up with that and should not have put up with it.

I would cuddle your daughter, be kind to yourself and then seek to learn & grow from this. Then at least this awful ex will have been a growing experience, not just a complete waste of your time.

Brassrubbing · 12/10/2014 09:07

Jesus, Vintage, how gruesome. I'm sorry you had to undergo that, but in another sense, you had a certain amount of warning that you were headed into roughly this kind of situation. (If not that your bf would get so drunk.) You were cross and disbelieving at advice on here that you should challenge your bf's father on every sexist statement at your first meeting, but if you had, or had left sooner, you wouldn't have endured what sounds like a very frightening and depressing experience. I'm not saying 'told you so', but dutiful endurance doesn't in fact get many rewards. Please don't allow your bf's apology to stop you realising he bears responsibility for this awful experience, and that he bears a worrying resemblance to his father when drunk. End it.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 09:08

Can't trust him, and like I said, there isn't anything he can say to make it ok.
There just isn't.

I can't even be fucked go listen.

I'm not contacting him. If he phones or texts I shall reply that I have nothing to say. And that's that.

OP posts:
whattheseithakasmean · 12/10/2014 09:08

Sorry, cross post OP, just read your last post & the reasons you stayed.

It sounds horrific, so sorry you went through that.

LittleBearPad · 12/10/2014 09:08

That song is atrocious in all sorts of ways.

I'm slightly worried that my earliest thought when reading the first verse was that Canadian women aren't called Sheilas. Clearly geographical veracity is important in offensive songs.

figgieroll · 12/10/2014 09:10

Is the dad inappropriate when drunk then? Then speaks appropriately when sober?

My friends father has a condition where he looses inhibitions and social boundaries get confused. It is a proper condition though and started 6 years ago along with a lot of other conditions/meds. He doesn't drink, so it's not alcohol related.

They seemed to consume a worryingly large amount of alcohol but that doesn't annul them of taking responsibility for their behaviour.

Your boyfriends behaviour was totally unacceptable though. He didn't support or care for you amidst the chaos and vileness.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 09:15

I wasn't sober with a car.

I had half a bottle of wine and left the car at the boyfriends.

I also don't think it's fair at all to say I'm people pleading or man pleasing.

None of this was my fault and I did leave.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 12/10/2014 09:16

I think it's a shame you and the nice brother didn't retrieve to another room and have a nice conversation on your own.

pictish · 12/10/2014 09:17

When he does get in touch, make sure you waste no time in telling him exactly what you think of the events that occurred, and how disgusted you are. Then dump him.

I am furious on your behalf. What a pair of utter arseholes. No doubt dad considers himself quite the comedian. Your boyfriend is an idiot.

Sorry you had to sit through that. Disgraceful.

pictish · 12/10/2014 09:18

vintage pay no heed to the needlers. It was a horribly awkward situation to have been in. I think you did well.

pictish · 12/10/2014 09:19

The song...

Anniegetyourgun · 12/10/2014 09:21

Well, what an extremely good thing you did go to the dinner, then! You might have married the bugger before finding out what he's really like.

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 12/10/2014 09:22

whattheseithakasmean, patronising nonsense.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 09:23

It wouldn't have changed anything had I have challenged him. To be fair I made a few pithy comments back, but he is a drunken wanker, a telling off from his sons gf isn't going to change anything.

It just got worse as the night wore on. If that song had been played off the bat, I would have left straight away. But it wasn't. I was a lone female in the company of three very very drunk men. I didn't know how to get out, didn't want to walk anywhere by myself in the dark and it's right by the train station and not far from some famous murders. If I called a taxi I would have had to do it in front of them and then wait while one turned up. Or have walked out and waited for one in the dark. Same as if my mum came to collect me. Neither of which were appealing or safe.

OP posts:
Alsoflamingo · 12/10/2014 09:24

He sucked a former girlfriend's TOES?!!! Seriously?

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