To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

[Vintagecrap]

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

Oh for goodness sake, I feel bad for you and the messages you have been getting.

People can't choose their family, I can understand that your bf loves him even though he can be a nob. I love my parents they can be nobs sometimes too.

Of course you have to go and it was good your bf pre-warned you, it at least shows that he doesn't think and agree with his father. I disagree with people saying go for a row, urrgghhh really? Life is a stressful enough without causing more stress just for the fun of it, if rowing would make any difference to his attitude he would have changed years ago.

Just go be polite, enjoy the food and take it on the chin, it's a couple of hours out your day.

Those kind of old fashioned ideas are awful, but as you say the Dad sounds not completely there anyway.

Just let it wash over you, what he thinks has not real bearing on your life, he's just your BF Dad, you wont have to see him that often.

I called my FIL on his behaviour & attitude many years ago. We were on the phone and I told him what he was doing was silly. He hung up and sulked for a few months (family trait). Eventually he respected me for standing up for myself, not giving in to his v old fashioned views on raising children and we had the best relationship of any of his DILs. We became close until he died and he turned out to be a brilliant GF to my DCs.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this but do you think your dp wants you to stand up to him?
I had the warning about my mil before meeting her from ex and his dsis , almost the same as your dps warning actually and he later on admitted it was because he wanted someone else to stand up to her, to be normal. He couldn't so he wanted me to be defiant and vicariously be the rebel he always wanted to be through me!
Any chance that might be going on and if so talk it over with you dp about how far you can go and what exactly he wants you to do?

Just say nothing and stare icily at him when he makes one of his "jokes". Don't humour him just to make him feel comfortable.

Just do what you do with your own dad - let it wash over you. To be frank if your life has been as interesting as you say then you will have come across a wide range of people and understand that we aren't all the same. In the man's favour he has actually realized and apologized for his dadly performance in the past and hardly anyone does that, so he obviously has some good points.

You never know you might actually really enjoy yourself - keep an open mind.

Hi OP, this sounds really stressful. I think a lot of us are probably a bit personally invested in the idea of you unleashing some righteous (and witty) feminist rage and putting this git in his place every time he makes an offensive remark, until he's just a sad little heap of sputtering dinosaur bones (mmm, lovely), but unless you're a fully paid-up member of the feminist avengers or something, that's not actually your job. Whether you choose to ignore, swipe back or go with my personal favourite: the frozen faced disgusted grimace (it's all in the nostrils), is entirely up to you. And remember - you can always just get up and leave and never come back.
Good luck!

Well before you get into the fact that he is a sexist git, I wouldn't go as this is a very rude invitation, if it is an invitation at all.
Not giving proper notice, not explaining where or when you are going - all this is very rude, although arguably not to you exactly as it sounds as if the father doesn't know that your bf has extended the invitation to you - which is quite rude too (to the father - you don't just add people on when someone invites you somewhere). To give the guy the benefit of the doubt, if he knew you were coming, he might have been clearer or more communicative, to make things more convenient and comfortable for you.

I think it sounds awful that you are going to be trailing along somewhere at some unspecified time, not knowing what you are to bring or wear, to be greeted with surprise by a man who didn't know he was going to be hosting you. I wouldn't do it and I don't think your bf should put you in that position.

Cheerybear has it right.

FFS what is wrong with just going with the flow, smile, put up with it for a couple of hours and have a giggle with your BF about it afterwards. Does everything have to be an opportunity to have a row, put someone right or assert yourself? I have never said 'excuse me, did you mean to be so rude' in RL, I HAVE 'had a go' at friends or colleagues who have been inappropriate, but really, in a case like this, what is the point? He won't change, he really, really won't.

Give him a chance. I had an old boss, many years ago who was the most sexist man I have ever met. He was also the loveliest, gentlest, most caring person anyone could wish to meet.

When you are perfect, feel free to insist on the same from others. Until then, accept that not everyone will meet your expectations.
AND he can't be that bad if he produced your BF

Vintage, I posted earlier about my DPs mums bf.

Just go along, it might not be that bad! Warn your bf that you will only stay 'x' amount of time and he better be ready to leave by then. If the old guy is being his 'jovial' self, just look on like you would as if it was a David Attenborough doc about a new species. Families are families, we've all got some weirdos in them!

It doesn't sound like the time to do the 'raging feminist', so I would go with 'mildly amused' when he comes out with anything sexist. If he calls you 'bird' then retaliate with 'old codger' or 'old timer' or something similar. Try & turn what he says into a joke so if he comes out with 'birds can't park' say 'yes that's what my old flying instructor said 'perfect landing, but terrible parking'' or whatever might fit your experiences. Think of a few good anecdotes in advance.

If he is actually offensive to you personally then what about 'That's the kind of thing my friend's grandfather used to come out with. He had early onset dementia. Any history of that in your family?'

I'm sure it won't be as bad as you've built it up to be, but don't let him suck your toes. Yuk!

Toold has it spot on. Get over yourself.

"There isnt any chance of having a shorter meeting. Its dinner or nothing."

In which case I'd have thought that the solution was obvious.

We all have to do things that we don't want to do. This can be a one off event for you and you can legitimately say that you don't want to go again.

It might be interesting.

"i pick up my new boyfriends father, on everything he says that i dont agree with, the first time i meet him, and most likely, in his own home after he has cooked me dinner?

really? is that really what you would do?"

Yep.

Neither being in your own house nor cooking dinner give you the right to be a bigoted arse or to give offence.

Assertiveness is never wrong.

As someone said up thread, it wouldn't be acceptable for this man to spout racist abuse if you were of different ethnic group, or homophobic abuse if he was meeting a gay or lesbian person. So, why as a woman should you be expected to "suck it up" for a couple of hours for family harmony?

If it were me, I'd tell DP I'd be happy to meet his father, I would be polite and thank him for his meal, but I would also politely call him on any sexist behaviour. And if it persists to a level which I'm not prepared to tolerate, I would be leaving.

Am I the only one intrigued about the toe sucking?

Update from a fuming me.

Posting from my bed. Was meant to be staying at the boyfriends for the first time. Passed the child and dog to my mother on my weekend with dd so I could stay.

The boyfriend is puking from drinking so much that I refused.

His dad was doing ok until 5 or so bottles of wine had been sunk between the 3 of them. Then he asked if my teeth and hair were real. It got worse round about the 6th bottle when he asked if l liked fucking his son or if I liked anal.

Then music went on and the boyfriend and daw turned into mad conductors for about 3 hours, manically banging on tables and waving their arms about. Music so loud no one could talk.

I did say we had to go home but the boyfriend and dad decided to sink the best part of a bottle of brandy and play a song about cunts and all the different words for cunt.

Eventually I said I was goung to leave on my own so the boyfriend came too
But not until the dad shouted ' nice to meet you girlfriend' at me. So I shouted back that I do actually have a name.

I am fucking furious.

Oh well! I take it he's dumped then?!

Jeez. Dump him.

Or you will be sitting opposite a carbon copy of his fucking KNOB of a father in 20 years.

How dare he speak to a woman like that? Twats .

I'm not normally one to say LTB. But LTB. Because from your description of his behaviour when drinking (and thus his inhibitions are down a bit) he's going to turn into his dad. Get out before you have DC together!

Oh, OP not any(sane)body's idea of a fun Saturday night. But consider it an investment in telling you what BF is like. Really like.

You'll no doubt next get a remorseful phone call or text, etc from him. Great opp to reply dumping him, then switch off and don't engage.

He knew what his father and brother were going to be like, but he brought you there anyway. The fact that he couldn't keep himself from drinking to excess says a lot. If he were "on your side" of the FIL battle, he would have stayed sober and kept his wits about him.

Yeah... buh-bye. He's obviously cut from the same cloth given his behaviour as well.

The brother was actually fine. Quote chatty and didn't get so drunk. said he didn't understand why my boyfriend always got so tanked up. He also kept shaking his head at the cunt song, saying there was no need, while my boyfriend and dad were shouting from the top of their voices about gashes, beef curtains and gateways to her guts.

How fucking dare they.

And how dare he, when I had gone to all that effort to stay over. He knew that too. I put him before dd and mu dog and that's what he does.

I told him I was goung back to mine. He begged and I said ok I would stay but that he looked like he was going to puke and that I refused to stay with someone throwing up. He said he wasn't going to be sick and then Was sick all over his en suite. And then tried begging me to stay with puke in his beard.

I am so cross.

His dad could hardly stand when we left. Mind you the boyfriend couldn't either. I'm angry at myself for passing dd and my dog off for that.

And I'm let down and discusted by my boyfriends behaviour.

Wow. That's awful. So sorry OP.

A (not so) lucky escape though - are you leaving the relationship now?