6 weeks pregnant at 42 and considering termination

[AnnieDelores]

I'm in a mess. I have a lovely 3 year old DS from IVF. Our chances of conceiving naturally are very, very slim. Or so we thought.
I ran out of my pill which I was taking to manage painful ovulation and periods and BANG, I fell pregnant whilst arranging a repeat prescription.

The reality is, I had not planned to have any more children and am very happy with our family as it is. DS and I have a special bond and I cherish my time with him. We are comfortable financially, I have just started my own business which is doing really well, and we're about to move to Devon meaning my husband will be away from home for a few nights in the week with work (too far to commute daily).

My worries are these:

1. I HATED the baby phase and was pretty miserable with mild PND and very bored until DS was two.
2. My business will struggle as I'm a one-woman-band.
3. I love our holidays and time together as a couple and I know that this will be difficult for at least 3 years (holidays with young children are never relaxing)
4. I'm 42. That has all sorts of implications for the baby and my energy levels
5. If I have a girl, we will be heading in separate directions at weekends
6. I don't feel "Happy" to be pregnant. I feel sick with worry.

My husband really wants a sibling for DS but I;m not convinced that's a good reason to have another child.

That said, I'm terrified I may never forgive myself if I have a termination. DH says he understands how I feel and wants to talk tonight.

How can I make this impossible decision, unless nature makes it for me!?

Hi

I don't know what to say but just from reading the OP - all your worries are valid but are not exactly set in stone as to how things have to be or even will be.

You may not get PND, you will have a baby and a business so no time to be bored, you might find you like holidays just as much anyway, and why specifically would you be headed in different directions if the baby is a girl ?

Also your age is a totally valid reason - but lots of people including my mum ( me in this case) have babies at your age.

It's not as impossible as you might think.

I don't want to out words in your mouth but nothing in your post screams that you don't want your baby. Just that you are worried IYSWIM.

I agree with Iwantmyparcel. You're obviously a very loving mother to your son, in fact you sound like a fantastic mum. I think you're maybe just panicing a bit at such unexpected news and seeing all the negatives and none of the positives.

AIBU tends to get nasty. Would you consider asking for this thread to be moved?

Professional help is invaluable in situations like this. You do not have to continue this pregnancy. I would see a BPAS counsellor and you and your husband come to a decision.

Phew. Tough one. Loads of pros and cons on both fronts. I hope the replies you get here are kind. I (think I) know what I would do, but I also don't think it will actually be very useful for you to have a tally of keep its and don't keep its in terms of replies, so I'll just shut up now. Best I can say is good luck with the discussion tonight.

Only you can decide if you want another child. But a lot of what you have written does sound like shock and panic. Why would a girl mean divided weekends for example?

I have had my third baby with DH working away. The first couple of months are a bit brutal, but it soon settles down.

Good luck with the decision.

How do I move it CruCru? I hope there won't be any nastiness but I appreciate what you're saying.

I can't advise I'm afraid, this is such a personal decision. I would recommend talking to your DH, and try to talk to someone completely independent like a counsellor? Plus give yourself some time, I know time is of the essence but maybe take a week or two to think about it (and let your emotions settle a bit) then make a decision? Contact your gp, they may be able to point you in the right direction for family planning counselling. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best, just make sure you do what you feel is right for you and your family, try not to be influenced by anyone else.

Probably the only useful contribution I can add to this thread is that I had Ds1 at 40 and DS2 at 45 (both unassisted) - and it hasn't really been so bad in terms of energy levels etc. But I am not you and I didn't have PND; and also I absolutely loved the baby stage, it was my favourite so far.

In terms of special bonding and so on, I found that it's true what they say, each child does come with its own extra allowance of love, so nothing is taken away from the first child in order to accommodate the second one apart from time, and that's only a short period, realistically.

But despite those differences, I wouldn't let your age weigh in as part of this decision - you have other reasons, and in the end your most valid reason is whether or not you want to go through with it.

What does your DH think in terms of if you were to terminate, would your marriage survive it, do you think?

Moving your thread - report your opening post to MNHQ and ask for it to be moved somewhere more sensitive - there is a topic for this sort of thread.

Oh dear - funny how things turn out isn't it. I am definitely not anti abortion and think it's a woman's right to choose (we carry the babies) but of course the father should be part of the decision too.

Yes as you say nature may take its course, but if not, on balance I think you might regret having the abortion. That could be as bad emotionally as mild PND - though not necessarily of course, though I can see you are already worried about that possibility. DH wants another child and he might become resentful if you terminate even if he doesn't think he will if you see what I mean, and that could spell trouble.

But mostly I am thinking of your DS - being an only child is a lonely life I think and you have to fast forward the tape, to when DS is an adult and you and DH are elderly. It's very hard for an "only" to have to cope with ageing parents and so much easier if there is a sib to share it all with - I know that might seem a long way off - but you'd be surprised how time flies! Also they may well enjoy growing up together, it will double the workload that's for sure, and even if they squabble like hell (which they surely will) they will in all probability be friends as wells as sibs in their adult life.

Hope you can come to a mutually satisfactory solution.

Nobody here can tell you what to do in this situation. My friend came to me with this issue (totally different situation, but same question) and I'll tell you what I told her: whatever you choose to do is the right thing.

You may regret it, you may not. People will have very strong views on this subject but whichever way you choose to go, that will be the right choice for you.

Obviously it's your choice, but can i point out that the second baby is not as 'boring' as the first because you still have the first to entertain/torment you/the baby. It's not you stuck at home with a screaming/sleeping/sicking thing, it is you trying to go out and keep on with yours and your ds's life while the baby fits in with you. Ime.

Agree with everything Iwant said.

Your experience sounds very similar to my own and I don't know what I would do in your position. I think all your worries are valid but not insurmountable - can you explain what you mean by (5) though?

I don't think providing a sibling for your DS is a good reason for having a baby - you need to want this child for his or her own sake. In the scheme of things, boredom, your business setbacks, and holidays aren't massive obstacles.

Also think you'd be wise to get the thread moved.

I agree that your op doesn't scream that you don't want the baby but I also agree that most of your reasons are perfectly valid.

I think you need to make a list of all the pros and cons as you see them ready for discussions with your dh. be very realistic as opposed to emotional iyswim - so things like financial implications, time especially with dh working away, impact on your business etc rather than the if buts and maybes of sharing love/time and the prospect of pnd. just because you had it once doesn't dictate you would suggest again.

then discuss with dh and see how you feel afterwards as he may surprise you!

good luck and I hope you are ok

Another one who had children in her 40s. I don't think any more tired than the younger Mums.
However, this is yours and your dhs decision.

You both need a big talk...
Good luck.

I am not surprised you are in a state of shock and quandary, OP, after the extremely pro-active, planned route of pursuing and IVF pregnancy you now find yourself experiencing a pg that is a complete surprise and not as a result of your deliberate choice making.

Your list of worries: is that list a justification for the fact that in your heart of hearts you just don't want to be pg and you just don't want a child? That you want to get on with your new life in Devon and your business and enjoy the family that you have?

or is it a list that are 'yes buts' to a sense that actually if you didn't have all those worries you would love another baby?

What was your very first gut feeling when you discovered or realised you were pg?

Having a baby at your age is fine...having an only child is fine. I think every child should be wanted for it's own sake, not just as a sibling for another.

Take the pressure off yourself. live with the idea of a life with a baby and a second child, and life without. You probably have a week or more to really let your thoughts sink in.

And - would you feel relieved, overall, to have a termination?

Don't focus too much on the initial baby stage and look to the future.
Can you envisage being happy with 2 children or would you be unhappy and see problems?

I don't think being 42 makes much of a difference unless you have health issues. I had dc3 at just 41 and have plenty of energy. We re out and about all the time. I hate the baby stage too but loved the idea of 3 children.
I have 2 friends who had babies at 44. They don't have any lack of energy issues.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you and your family.

Something very similar happened to me last year (also 42). Won't go into detail as don't want to out myself...but I had many many reasons why I spent the first few weeks in shock and denial crying my leg off at being so unexpectedly pregnant. I could think of a million other things I wanted to be doing...fast forward to this year...we have an absolute joy of a baby, doted on by us all...and are so happy she came along. Totally different baby experience from the first, which I found very difficult (high needs, PND)...the intervening years of parenthood made me feel much less stressed and able to enjoy it all which I didn't before.
Feel free to PM me if you want, I totally get where you're coming from and really needed someone to talk to myself when I was at that point.

Good luck with your discussion with dh tonight. Just wanted to add my perspective on dc number 2, hopefully to provide some reassurance, not trying to influence your decision.

I had pnd with my first dc. Also dd was much wanted and loved the first year or so were bleak. My ds arrived 3.5 years later. Much calmer. It made me realise how much I had been learning with my first. Second time round was a lot easier - I knew what I was doing, I knew that everything was a phase, and I was busier - with 2 kids so time passed faster and I was less bored. Now dcs play together.

Take care.

Hi OP, I can relate, I have just has DD3 unexpectedly. I went to BPAS to discuss termination. It had me in tears, I did all the preparation in terms of a scan etc, however I could not bring myself to go through with it. I have has a termination before, and it is not a simple option.

I am glad that I did keep her. Yes it's hectic, but when I think about the alternative now.

The baby stage would not be dull his time, as you have your DS.

Oh and I am only two years younger than you.

This is very helpful thank you. To clarify point (5), with DH being away with work so much I like to spend time together at weekends and my rather, in hindsight, silly concern is that he will go to Rugby or Cricket with DS whilst I'm off to dance classes or similar with DD. Scrap that concern. You're all right, it's silly.

It's more important for me to consider how my marriage will cope if I have a termination. DH says he understands but I worry if there will be a quiet resentment there forever.

The boredom factor is not through lack of things to do. Its because I need adult company and cant stand too many mummy groups talking about babies all the time. I know I'll just have to work at finding the right new friends when we move.

And, is two really better than one?

Ps I also thought I was totally done with children and happy about before it happened...I now realise I really wasn't and would even possibly consider squeezing another in before I'm really past it, if I'm totally honest!! I know, bonkers.