6 weeks pregnant at 42 and considering termination

[AnnieDelores]

I'm in a mess. I have a lovely 3 year old DS from IVF. Our chances of conceiving naturally are very, very slim. Or so we thought.
I ran out of my pill which I was taking to manage painful ovulation and periods and BANG, I fell pregnant whilst arranging a repeat prescription.

The reality is, I had not planned to have any more children and am very happy with our family as it is. DS and I have a special bond and I cherish my time with him. We are comfortable financially, I have just started my own business which is doing really well, and we're about to move to Devon meaning my husband will be away from home for a few nights in the week with work (too far to commute daily).

My worries are these:

1. I HATED the baby phase and was pretty miserable with mild PND and very bored until DS was two.
2. My business will struggle as I'm a one-woman-band.
3. I love our holidays and time together as a couple and I know that this will be difficult for at least 3 years (holidays with young children are never relaxing)
4. I'm 42. That has all sorts of implications for the baby and my energy levels
5. If I have a girl, we will be heading in separate directions at weekends
6. I don't feel "Happy" to be pregnant. I feel sick with worry.

My husband really wants a sibling for DS but I;m not convinced that's a good reason to have another child.

That said, I'm terrified I may never forgive myself if I have a termination. DH says he understands how I feel and wants to talk tonight.

How can I make this impossible decision, unless nature makes it for me!?

Oh and i forgot to say that i had PND - mild to moderate with DS1 ( and previous DD's ) and it does not always follow that you will get it again.

This is entirely you decision to make. When I first found out I was pg with DC 2 I did panic that having another child would break up our idyl of three. It's not like that though. The children love each other and get so much out of being together. On balance my life is slightly easier as they play with and entertain each other. If I've got this wrong and you genuinely do think you'd be happier not being pregnant then there is no need to feel any guilt in that decision. But do consider if this is just a initial panic about the change a baby would make to your life but in the medium to long term you will enjoy that more.

FWIW I really really wanted my second child (after years of secondary infertility and a mc) and I found it hard work when he did arrive - often thinking: what have I done??!. Like you (mild pnd too) I didn't enjoy the baby stage. However, the benefits on both children from having each other has been fantastic. I don't know if that's a good enough reason to go through with a pregnancy you're not happy with but we changed (for the better) as a family with our second child, and our first gained much from having a sibling. Plus the second gains even more from having an older sibling. I appreciate this isn't always the case though and wish you luck with your decision.

In many ways I am in the position you talk about re regretting a baby.

I have 3 daughters, aged 11, 7 and 0.

I am single and became pregnant after a stupid, stupid one night stand that I can't remember. I felt sick with horror. To be honest I'd never intended to have children at all and, although I love my children with all my heart, I felt that, with the younger one being 6, I was finally getting normal life back on track and doing more of what I wanted to do. The thought of starting all over again was terrible. There wasn't the smallest part of me that wanted DD3.

Now ... I love her of course. She's wonderful and delightful and mine. But my goodness, things would be easier and simpler without her.

Having said all that, I never viewed abortion as an option. I saw the pregnancy as terrible but there was nothing about it that wasn't caused by me. It wasn't my daughter's fault. There was nothing in my life that made me incapable of raising her. For me, it would have been very very wrong to abort simply because I didn't want a baby.

I appreciate that that is quite a minority view though and I wouldn't attempt to force it on others. From reading your posts (especially the part about your husband wanting the baby) abortion seems like the wrong thing for you to me as it's perfectly feasible for you to have it. But the question is, does it seem the wrong thing for you to you . And only you can answer that.

Can I just come back to agree with Penguins upthread?
The 'right' decision can be one you arrive at with doubts still present: sometime you just have to decide and then live with that decision. May the right reasons is a better way to put it?

Good luck op,
from what I can see, if you go ahead, then once you get over the shock you will be juggling baby, business and toddler with a supportive husband and enough money for childcare, and will probably love your dd/ds just as much as your fb. Yes, you'll be tired through your pregnancy and baby phase, may sometimes think you could live without it, but you never know you may have a laid back baby who sleeps and no pnd this time. Fitting a second baby into the family is often much less of a shock than adjusting to the first- you know what you're doing for a start. If you terminate you may always feel that there is a missing person in your family, and it sounds as though your husband will certainly be deeply upset by the decision. (apparently 1 in 10 babies is born to a father over 50 now) The thing is I don't think you can go back to not being pregnant, iyswim. You can go forward being pregnant or you can go forward having to live with having chosen a termination.

Are you generally someone who likes to have a plan for life and be in control?

op there's a new board in body and soul called pregnancy choices. Have a look when/if you feel up to it. Best of luck in your decision

Had 2 Ds then had to have baby 3 as so broody. Had dd so it was great then fell pregnant with baby 4 (husband couldn't/wouldn't wear condom!) I thought I couldn't cope I didn't want it. But finally realised that she was meant to be! Dd was easy baby and a lovely end to our family. So so glad I had her. But not my twat of a husband.

Once the baby is born you'll love it - you know you are a loving mum so you wont regret it - but if you have a termination at your age - that's it - no more chances. watching little ones grow together is delightful and no matter what happens they have each other. Its much easier to get on with your life with 2nd baby - they 'fit in' to your routine better. x

I really really think hiring help is a good idea. I look back on my baby days and I so wish I'd just hired some help. I had a 4yo who had to be picked up from school, and I had to wake the baby up to go and get her, and it broke my heart every time. Some help would have made all the difference in so many ways.

My 2 DSs have a nearly 5y gap between them and they play very well together, have done since DS2 could move independently. Not so much just when he was sitting up, although DS1 has always been very caring and lovely towards DS2 - but certainly when DS2 started moving around it was very clear that he adores his big brother and wants to be/play with him at every chance.

How are you doing today OP?

Have you actually been to see your doctor? I think I'd make an appointment ASAP. Go in and discuss that you are unexpectedly pg and think you want an abortion. Ask the GP to book you in for the chemical abortion at 9 weeks. I'm thinking it's probably best to get this organised now so you don't miss the window. If you change your mind you can cancel the appointment but it's probably best to get everything teed up.

I don't understand point 5). Boys and girls often do the same activities - conversely, two siblings of the same gender often do different activities.

As far as point 1) goes, your DS is already older than 2. He isn't going to get more boring just because he has a baby sibling.

Personal decision, but don't make it based on nonsense. Having two is different from having one, but not significantly more difficult when it comes to things like working. You'd still need childcare anyway, it's just for two kids rather than one.

You could ask the GP for abortion counselling to work some of the issues you've talked about in this thread.

I feel a bit bad for you that there are so many positive stories on here about having continued with subsequent pregnancies. These were the decisions we made and really has nothing to do with what you might decide.

Yes, some sympathetic counselling may help you to get your head straight and arrive at a point from were you can make a decision for all the right reasons.
Thinking of you

Hello OP. I'm your age and I have one kid too. If I found myself accidentally pg I absolutely would have a termination. I had pnd, hated baby stage, love getting my life back just like you. All my plans are based upon ds being an only child.

If this is how you truly feel (and you are the only one who knows that) then please know that an early, medical termination is usually routine and from a physical pov, no big deal. Emotionally, only you know how you would cope.

MN is on the whole, pro choice, apart from when people actually have unplanned pregnancies, when people will try to persuade you to have more kids than you planned for because kids are great.

My own life balance would be utterly smashed by adding in another child. It's not just easily dealt with admin, it's hard work and compromise every day.

I'm always the bad guy on these threads but I just think somebody has to give the other view. Good luck whatever you decide OP.

For balance I'll also give the other view. I accidentally fell pregnant after thinking we had completed our family. I was booked in for a sterilisation so was quite shocked and unprepared to find myself pregnant. I had no warm and fuzzy thoughts at all about the pregnancy despite being a very happy Mum to my other kids. It wasn't any sort of depression but a simple realisation that i didn't want another child.

I'm not sure how to phrase this sensitively but I was relieved when I had an early misscarrage as it meant I didn't have to arrange an abortion. After the misscarrage I felt no regret at all and just got on with the rest of my life. It also meant that when I had my sterilisation I could do it with the certainty that I was making the right decision for myself and my family. There was no angst and no drama.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to have one child.

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of comments and suggestions. It's refreshing to hear such honest views, particularly those suggesting that some mothers do go on to regret having another child, even though they love them.This is a complex situation and I'm going to have to make a decision that will never feel "right" either way. I'm just going to have to embrace it, as you say.

I went to bed last night almost certain I was going to have a termination. I even contemplated not telling my husband and saying I miscarried. This morning I woke up thinking I was being a coward. Still in a mess.

I do like to feel in control and ultimately, despite indulging my son with lots of days out to farm parks, trips on the train and boats ( just because he loves it), I NEED me time. I'm trying to envisage how that might change.

I know I will definitely need childcare. That's a cert. But that will mean sacrificing holidays and weekends away. I need those breaks too. My business will take a hit if I'm not there. Clients pay for my expertise, not someone else's. I would need to find a strategy for managing that.

I will book a termination appointment so that its there if I need it and can always cancel it. I will have a scan in a week's time to see if there is a heartbeat and go from there.

Yes, for balance: I have had a termination and never regretted it, even once. I knew I did not want the baby with the same determination I knew I did want my DD's. It was actually an easy decision because I knew in my very soul that I could not continue with the pregnancy. It was 100% the right decision.

And yes, I too would feel relieved if I miscarried tomorrow.

I would also Annie.

I think you are looking at this very thoroughly and whatever you decide will be right....

Take care.

Take time to find out how you really really feel. With your heart, not your head.

Like you acknowledged before, if it's a girl this does not equate dance classes. Lots of sport is gender neutral, it is not something to worry about.

In my experience, and many of my friends, a second child is infinitely asker than the first one. As you are experienced parents now.

I also found, from when they were about age 1-3 and upwards that thie kids focus on eachother a lot, and entertain eachother, and especially when they get older, 2 kids seems LESS work than 1 child.

But forget about practical implications. I think you have to try and find out how you would feel about having another child. Not just a baby, but a person who will be with you for many years.

I am 42 and suffered PND and health problems, and I am on the pill, but if I were to accidentally get pregnant, I think I would not terminate.

Take your time, and don't beat yourself up whatever you decide.

I think the shock is really impacting you at the moment. I also had to have ivf to get pregnant if I found myself pregnant naturally I would completely freak out.

But.... I would see it as meant to be, well I think I would.

The decision is yours, but as you are very very early on, don't rush into anything.

OP, I know I'm coming to this late, but I wanted to share my experience. I too conceived DC1 via ivf. I only wanted one child.
Almost 3 years later I found that I was pregnant naturally. I was devastated. In hindsight I wonder if my 'one child' vision was because of the previous fertility treatment, and my belief that I could only have one, and therefore I made it my preferred choice, in order to feel in control of my life? (Not implying that is the same for you of course)
I cried, I felt numb. My DH was excited. I considered terminating. I was depressed throughout the entire pregnancy, worried about ruining mine and DC1's happy life, the birth, money etc.
But something happened when my baby was born. Every last doubt lifted, and I found having a baby 2nd time around was SO much easier. Especially with a 3.5 yr age gap. Feeding was easier, sleeping was easier, I was more chilled, no PND like 1st time round..
Now, I cannot contemplate my DC1 being my only child. The two of them have a fantastic relationship.
I need a lot of my own time and space. I know that I could never have another child, it would tip me over the edge. Like you, we moved area whilst I was pregnant. It helped enormously in settling into the new community, meeting people etc.
I am not trying to influence your decision, but I hope another perspecitive helps you to weigh things up.

Whatever you do, please don't have a termination and lie to your husband. I am sure that was just a dark night thought, but it has no good outcome.