6 weeks pregnant at 42 and considering termination

[AnnieDelores]

I'm in a mess. I have a lovely 3 year old DS from IVF. Our chances of conceiving naturally are very, very slim. Or so we thought.
I ran out of my pill which I was taking to manage painful ovulation and periods and BANG, I fell pregnant whilst arranging a repeat prescription.

The reality is, I had not planned to have any more children and am very happy with our family as it is. DS and I have a special bond and I cherish my time with him. We are comfortable financially, I have just started my own business which is doing really well, and we're about to move to Devon meaning my husband will be away from home for a few nights in the week with work (too far to commute daily).

My worries are these:

1. I HATED the baby phase and was pretty miserable with mild PND and very bored until DS was two.
2. My business will struggle as I'm a one-woman-band.
3. I love our holidays and time together as a couple and I know that this will be difficult for at least 3 years (holidays with young children are never relaxing)
4. I'm 42. That has all sorts of implications for the baby and my energy levels
5. If I have a girl, we will be heading in separate directions at weekends
6. I don't feel "Happy" to be pregnant. I feel sick with worry.

My husband really wants a sibling for DS but I;m not convinced that's a good reason to have another child.

That said, I'm terrified I may never forgive myself if I have a termination. DH says he understands how I feel and wants to talk tonight.

How can I make this impossible decision, unless nature makes it for me!?

OP, sounds you are doing well working this through.

I had to add my experience - hope that's Ok. My dc1's birth was awful. 4th degree tear. Dd had colic, I had mastitis and pnd... first year was really really tough. Ds 3.5 years later - as you say planned caesarean. Brilliant. Calm, organised lovely way to give birth. Recovery was easier than dd's. No pnd, no mastitis, more taking naps and asking for help. Ds is wonderful.

Keep talking with your dh, take care.

Glad to hear you are feeling more positive today OP. (By positive I mean able to work through the options and not toooo overwhelmed, not necessarily leaning one way or the other)

Ok, so at the moment you are thinking about options and issues if you go ahead and support? Would it help if I mentioned some things I thought about:

• Working hours. Is 8-6 the time he's out of the house or is that actual time in the office with commute on top? Does that mean he rarely sees your DS in the week? If it's time out of the house, is there any scope for flexing it? For example, I find one of the hardest bits of the day with 2/3 is bedtime. Could he get up earlier, go in very early and be back earlier, even if only a couple of days a week (Just remember when you discuss this type of stuff that it's about him making a sacrifice to support you, just as you would be making a sacrifice to get through babyhood again. It doesn't have to be ideal for him, just viable).

-Would you bf or ff? If ff, he could make a firm commitment that he will, for example, take the baby out for at least 2 hours at some point in the weekend for you to spend time with your DS and will ring fence at least 2 evenings each week (from work functions, etc) for you to make plans without having to refer to him. That sense of 'freedom' can be quite sustaining. Harder if you bf, but not impossible.

• Holidays. Do you have family or friends who would go with you? It's always easier with more adults, even if it means more kids too. Sometimes having things in the diary helps.

• Both kids: he needs to commit that he will take both of them regularly. He needs to properly understand how much work it is, which only comes by doing. Feeling properly valued by someone who gets what you are doing is likely to help a lot.

• Giving yourself permission to parent differently. When I was going through this, I felt overwhelmed that I would have to do 'the same' for this baby as the others. What really helped me decide was someone saying 'er, you don't have to you know'. If I wanted to ff/have a strict routine/have no routine/ go back to work at three months I could. That is probably really obvious to you, but it was a bit of a revelation to me!

-For meeting people, pre-schools are good. They don't want to talk about babies either.

I am sure that there is more, but I can't think.

Thanks for coming back - it is nice that you sound so much more 'together' today and less horrified.

The prospect of PND is terrifying, but this time around I would recognise the signs and seek help sooner if needed.
Yy to that - knowing what to look out for gives you more control.

DS was a very difficult baby. He had colic, reflux, didn't sleep for more than 20 or 30 minute stretches during the day and screamed for hours if I stopped moving
My DS1 was exactly like this. I think I only got through it because I did not know any better. DS2 was the Most Chilled Baby Ever. Not saying that that is guaranteed (I have a friend who had 2 high needs babies), but another baby is another person, and who knows? They could be chilled.

Get as much support on board as you can.
You relationship to your DH sounds very good, you can communicate effectively and I think as long as you carry on doing just that, you'll be fine (individually and as a couple).

Pay for help - whatever you find most helpful. Mother's Help, cleaner, online shopping, ready meals - whatever.

I hope you carry on finding more clarity regarding your way forward.

PS: The Fussy Baby Book saved my sanity.

How are you today Only1Scoop? Thinking of you too.

Thanks PenguinsIsSleepDeprived. Very good advice.

DH tends to leave the house at 7.15am most mornings to get to work for 8am. The traffic after this would make it longer. He comes home most nights at 6.30pm, although tonight he is out at 5-a-side. He does come home at 6pm some nights if I ask him to. He says he struggles to find enough hours in the day to do his job and I believe him. He does not manage his time well though and needs to delegate more efficiently.

This means that he sometimes sees DS for half an hour in the mornings and gets home for bath and bed most nights.

When we move to Exeter his commute will be an hour and a half. We agreed (before I knew I was pg) that he would stay over in town one or two nights a week rather than spend 3 hours on the road. He can go to 5-a-side , work late, whatever. The flip side is that he will work from home one day per week unless that is impossible (can't think why it should be but it may be).

It will be difficult for me doing bath and bedtime on my own with two, I know. Maybe the nights he is away I need some help from the mothers help.

Any thoughts on this?

Annie bless you.... I'm a little better today also....and I'm glad you have had a more positive day today. I'm finding your thread a great help all the viewpoints useful.

My dd was a wonderfully easy baby....amazing sleeper and I'm actually terrified of having the opposite!!

Pregnancy was grim with horrendous sickness right through and I'm already reliving all that now.

I had an elcs which was fantastic and no problems following....

But I am having this baby to provide a sibling for dd and because dp is so keen 'its our last chance....meant to be etc'. I'm just not sure it's the right reasons at all.

Your way of looking at the near future is inspiring and I feel sure whatever you decide will be the right choice for you and your family.

Out of interest, can anyone advise me what tests I will need to have to check for signs of abnormalities / downs? My age is a risk factor and I'd like to have as much information as possible.

Only1scoop

What night do you currently go out to play 5-a-side?
What I am trying to say, this may be a luxury you as a family cannot afford for your DH to have and is worthy of further discussion.

Re bath/bedtime with 2: yes, get help in, simply so you don't have to worry about it. In reality a new routine will establish itself quicker than you might believe possible.

I really very strongly agree (again!) with Penguins point about giving yourself 'permission' to parent differently with each child. Each child is different, you are different, your circumstances are different. Do what you have to, to get through the early years (and hopefully to enjoy some of it).

I don't have anything to offer re the long commute; that would kill me, so sympathies on that count. We ended up moving out of the trendy university part of town to the sticks because it was more affordable AND closer to both of our places of work.

Nuchal screening needs bloods doing and scan at around 11 to 13 weeks not exactly sure of dates but around that time. That is the the main screening test for downs along with harmony testing also.

Oh my, tests…. so many options.

All this will be discussed with you in some detail at antenatal clinic appointments.
You can opt for non-invasive screening tests (bloods and specialist USS measurements) which give you a risk assessment, but no diagnosis.
The invasive tests (Amniocentesis or CVS) can check for the common chromosomal abnormalities, but are no guarantee for a 'perfect' child of course.The Harmony test used blood from the mother to test fetal blood cell - this only became available after my baby-making time, so I have no experience of it. It does sound amazing, but I don't know whether it is widely available on the NHS.

FWIW, I had CVS @ 10 weeks x3 and amnio 1x @ 15 weeks (discovered late I was pregnant) - I carry a genetic abnormality which gives me a 1:4 risk of a child affected with a problem not compatible with life. So the quoted MC risk were worth the risk for me as I would not have continued an affect pregnancy.
I have 4 healthy children - like I said, a risk is just a risk (1 in 4 affected, still means 3 in 4 not affected)

All very scary and a leap of faith.

Thanks Only1scoop. I'm glad you feel a bit better too. Who knows whether a baby will be laid back or high maintenance! I know it certainly couldn't get much worse for me!

Btw when I rocked up to the consultant led clinic (due to my genetic issues) to say I was upduffed again (pregnancy no8 - 4 losses, 3 previous children) aged 43, I was mortified even though my pregnancy was planned and wanted.
I asked my consultant the age of the oldest mother he'd delivered of a healthy baby and he said "56" . Made me feel better no end

Oh cripes, another anecdote

While on maternity leave could you stay with DH, then go home in which you could check on your business.

I have had amnio too. Happy to talk about that if you want.

I think your DH needs to make very firm commitments to ring fence his home working days. Those drift very easily if not set in stone.

That said, my DH is away a couple of nights a week and we manage. Bath time with 2/3 is hard work on your own (I've done it tonight), but perfectly doable with organisation. And you don't have to bath them every night if you don't want to (I like to, they are all sitting still in one confined space!). Mornings with a school run are hard, but you won't have to do that early on.

Can your DH's job be done remotely? Part of the compromise both DH and I made when we were both working is leaving work without everything done and logging on once bedtime was finished...

Your anecdotes make me laugh PacificDogwood!

I suppose I had better arrange a booking appointment with a midwife at my current address. We move on October 25th so the timings are awkward. I would need to register with a new GP in Exeter and then see the midwives there too ...... but assume I should be seen here first. AND make a provisional termination appointment too, but I didn't have time to make that today. Things look calmer on Thursday.

56....oh Pacific you've made me feel like a teenager

The Op asked for other viewpoints.

She asked for help making an 'impossible' decision. Regardless of what she was after, she doesn't need to be bombarded with stories as to how OTHERS made their unplanned pregnancies work for them. Which can, in reality, make a person who is thinking of a termination feel like a failure for not being able to do the same. Pregnancy is NOT one size fits all.

She needs support to make a choice that is difficult, not swaying in one direction because it worked for several other posters.

The evidence that it was working (being swayed into continuing the pregnancy) is where she said that she felt like a coward, which, in all honestly, this thread won't be helping.

NO ONE is a coward for realising that pregnancy is not for them. In fact, if op decides that this isn't for her & does terminate, I for one will be proud (hmm... not the right word) that she was strong enough to stick to her limits, limits all of us have, but no one else knows about, or can match. My Dr told me she admired me for knowing & sticking to mine & not bringing a child into this world that I wasn't sure I wanted.

If she goes ahead with her pregnancy, I will also admire her strength for getting through a very stressful time in her life.

No one can underestimate the feelings of another who finds herself pregnant when she doesn't want to be. No one. It is one of those times where, if you have never been there, you just don't know the sense of dread & desperation.

We are talking about a 42 year old mum of 1 young child who is in a financial position to look after another child. That doesn't mean she should feel she has to continue with her pregnancy. Having children is not just about being financially secure/being able to afford it.

I have known most of my life that my mum considered an abortion when she found out that she was pregnant with me ... But I never felt that I was loved any less than my sisters That is brilliant, I am really pleased. Honestly. BUT my mum DID feel different. I cannot tell you one moment in my life where I felt loved & wanted by her.

Again, it is not 'one size fits all' and MN needs to remember that one persons happy ever after, is another persons personal hell.

PacificDogwood Thank you for the

Different ....

I meant other viewpoints....such as yours.

Hello OP, I have only just seen this. I can't comment on what decision you might reach, but I can say that Exeter is a great place to raise a baby and children. You could go to a group every day, twice a day if you wanted to. An excellent way to meet new friends. I'm just finishing my ML but I recognise a lot of your comments about not enjoying the baby stage; it's only at about 10 months that I really started enjoying my DS and I'm going back to work in 2 weeks!

I suspect your DH is a lawyer or something similar, like my DH and me. If you'd like any advice about moving etc or even to meet up when you get here please feel free to PM me.

How are you feeling today Annie?

I doubt you need to do a booking in appointment where you live now, if you do decide to go ahead. From the sounds of things you'd still be early enough to wait until you moved (if my maths hasn't deserted me).

I think you are completely right to make the termination appointment whilst deciding though. I'm not sure if the availability of a pill-based as opposed to surgical option is very important to you (as an aside, I thought it was to me when I was deciding, but actually there are some real benefits to the surgical option too), but if it is, you don't have masses of time so it's probably best to get all the 'admin' out of the way whilst you are deciding. They will not mind at all if you cancel, so it's good to have it there to keep your options open.

I'm feeling nauseous to be honest. First time I've been to Costa coffee and turned my nose up at a chocolate tiffin.

I haven't seen DH today as he was working late and I'm packing for a weekend away in Copenhagen with my friend. Just what I need right now. I'm giving myself until Tuesday next week to come to a decision, but if I'm still really unsure, I will give myself longer.

DH said last night that he thinks he can ring fence days to work at home which would help. Another friend suggested I use a nursery for a couple afternoons per week when the baby is 3 months old (apparently that's when they take them)

Another friend looked at me with a pained expression when I said I might terminate. She just couldn't understand it because of the way I am with DS.

I don't think (despite some very valid concerns raised by people on this thread) that I'm being unfairly influenced. Your comments and suggestions have forced me to ask myself some tough questions. I'm clever enough to know that anecdotes don't mean my life will turn out the same.

I'm not any further forward than I was yesterday. I'm still not happy to be pregnant. The nausea is a very stark reminder that I'm pregnant. I don't want to think about names, pink or blue. Instead, I want it think about my (our) future and what makes me happiest.

The weekend in Copenhagen will be a good excuse to do just that.

Annie - I think you are going about this exactly the right way. You have heard stories from all sides (positive pg, negative pg, and from the children's POV) and are taking it all on board, and processing it. You're not jumping in a panic into anything, but taking the time you need to make the best decision for you and your family - you cannot do any more than you are doing.

I hope you have a lovely time in Copenhagen, and I hope that your DH considers ringfencing days at home even if you do decide to stick with just the 1 DS - it sounds like he barely sees him already, so it would be good for them to spend a bit more time together. :)

x 1000

Here I come with my anecdotes :o

I was 24 and had been married for three weeks or so when I found out I was pregnant with DS. I was terrified; it wasn't in our plans yet at all. I remember walking to the store to get the test, whispering "please no, please no" under my breath. (Sorry, DS!)

The first two trimesters were fine. Last, I was slammed with a depression so dark and deep I don't really have words. It was like a monster, bent on destroying me. It was like I'd never see sunshine again. I didn't want to take anything for it and suffered until he was about two months old. I was very protective of him and knew objectively that I loved him, but mostly I was just afraid.

I went on AD's for only two months (should have been longer) and they helped some. I started to feel really bonded to him when he was about four months old.

Slowly things got better. A day would go by without feeling bad, then another. Suddenly I realized I was feeling good most of the time.

Because of the depression, it took me a long time to convince DH to have another. DD was born a little over 16 months ago, right before DS turned 6.

I was never depressed with her. I think a big part of my issues with DS centered around becoming a mother in the first place...terror at my life changing so unexpectedly, knowing that I would never be as carefree as I had always been.

So compared to that, I found the jump from 1-2 much easier than 0-1. I feel much more confident this time, like I've found my feet. With DS, I was so worried about what I "should" do, with DD I find myself completely able to trust my instincts. The age gap is wonderful...DS adores her and is so protective. It's so sweet to watch them play. Just tonight they were taking turns on pushing each other on a riding toy and giggling like mad.

That being said...I'm now facing another surprise pregnancy. DC#3 will be here in May. I'm in shock and I don't really know what to feel. I'm excited for the baby but the thought of pregnancy and labor fills me with dread. I said I wanted more eventually bit even so, I'm shocked. But I know I can get through it and it will be fine.

I guess, in a round about way, I just mean that no matter what your situation...married, single, young, older, want more, don't want more, an unplanned pregnancy will knock you for six. It's hard to get your head around.

I think you're doing a good job keeping your head and taking everything on board. Best of luck with your decision.