6 weeks pregnant at 42 and considering termination

[AnnieDelores]

I'm in a mess. I have a lovely 3 year old DS from IVF. Our chances of conceiving naturally are very, very slim. Or so we thought.
I ran out of my pill which I was taking to manage painful ovulation and periods and BANG, I fell pregnant whilst arranging a repeat prescription.

The reality is, I had not planned to have any more children and am very happy with our family as it is. DS and I have a special bond and I cherish my time with him. We are comfortable financially, I have just started my own business which is doing really well, and we're about to move to Devon meaning my husband will be away from home for a few nights in the week with work (too far to commute daily).

My worries are these:

1. I HATED the baby phase and was pretty miserable with mild PND and very bored until DS was two.
2. My business will struggle as I'm a one-woman-band.
3. I love our holidays and time together as a couple and I know that this will be difficult for at least 3 years (holidays with young children are never relaxing)
4. I'm 42. That has all sorts of implications for the baby and my energy levels
5. If I have a girl, we will be heading in separate directions at weekends
6. I don't feel "Happy" to be pregnant. I feel sick with worry.

My husband really wants a sibling for DS but I;m not convinced that's a good reason to have another child.

That said, I'm terrified I may never forgive myself if I have a termination. DH says he understands how I feel and wants to talk tonight.

How can I make this impossible decision, unless nature makes it for me!?

I have six children, when I pregnant with my second I was convinced I wouldn't love her as much as my pfb and it would spoil our bond. I was so wrong love grows. I know you are shocked especially as you needed IVF to previously conceive but yes two ( or more ) children are wonderful.

The age gap is a lovely gap and not one that will prolong your time without adult holidays for many years.
Congratulations.

"I have has a termination before, and it is not a simple option."

I'm sorry it was not for you, but for many women, who feel sure that they do not want a baby, iy can be a very simple option, with nothing but a feeling of relief. Or maybe a little sadness, but certainly no guilt or regret.

Peronally, in the OP's shoes, with her DS about to go to nursery , unless I suddenly felt broody again, you know, that broody feeling, I would not want to start all over again.

But only you can know, OP, and I think your DH's feelings are very important. Possibly the crux of the whole thing. Unless you can come to a very mutually supportive understanding, if you have a baby you don't want you might resent him and the life you lead as he goes of to London, if you don't have a baby he might well feel sad in a way that is not fully healable.

Only the two of you can talk this out.

I think now you just need time, its obviously a huge shock to conceive naturally after IVF. I think you and your DH just need to think about it, see if how you feel calms down, it may do and you decide you want to have the baby.

Dont pressure yourself into making a decision now, you still have time.

I am 42 and have an unexpected 13 week DD and like you was not entirely happy to find out I was pregnant but DH was thrilled. I also found myself thinking about termination so made sure I had private tests etc early so I could make any decision if problems were found. (That last sentence will be controversial with a lot of people on here but that was they was it was with me).

I like the initial baby phase but am going to hate the next couple of years which is why I already have her booked into nursery and childminder 4 days a week so I can get some normality. I would love to go back to work sooner but it does not seem realistic when I am getting SMP until March.

At the end of the day you need to do what is right for you but you do need to listen to your partner as well.

And do not dare to think that you have to do girly things with a DD, DH already has it planned that he is going to teach our DD to drive his tractor and you won't see me anywhere near a dance class or princess party...

I get you Op totally....

I'm pregnant at 41 have one dd who is 4.

Dd is amazing and life is great now....found the pregnancy awful....sickness boundless and baby stage dull.... so now holidays are fun again and life's easier all around.

My dp is adamant we keep the baby so dd has a sibling. This is the only reason I am going ahead and if I'm terribly honest I feel so so miserable....I wonder daily if I'm doing the right thing.

Sorry to ramble on in your thread but your Op really sums up how I'm feeling. Apologise for not being much help. I hope you find a way to decide a path forward.

Whatever you decide I wish you well

Just some thoughts on your thoughts, FWIW:

1. You may well not get PND again, but at least you're aware of the risk and doubtless learned something from how you managed it before. Unlikely you'll be 'bored' with a 3 year old and a newborn.
2. Congratulations on having your own business. Yes it must be hard working on your own, but equally that gives you flexibility and you'll find a way to cope.
3. Difficult holidays for 3 years? Er, too flaky as a reason to terminate, for sure.
4. You're 42. I had my toddler just before my 44th. I'm fit, not fat, follow fashion and have bags of energy. You'll be fine.
5. If you have a girl, you'll be blessed with 'one of each' and the envy of many. Kids activities seem less gender based these days. A girl doesn't have to do ballet etc.
6. In early pregnancy I was surprised to feel sick with worry, certainly not overjoyed (even though much wanted baby) and fret about random stuff like having to cancel a mountain bike trip. But worry is hardly uncommon ...

Sounds like your DH wants this baby. I hope you're comforted by your chat with him. Remember there are thousands of women looking after kids with husbands away working, in armed forces or whatever, or as single parents. If you want to do it, you'll find a way. But only you can decide whether you want to do it, obviously.

A lot of your worries are things that are completely doable - I have a small business I work at part time, my DH is away from home several nights a week and I have 3 small children. It's bloody hard work, but it's doable. The baby stage is over in such a flash, I think you need to consider how it would be 5,10,15 years down the line rather than focussing on the baby stage which you (naturally, after PND) are dreading?
And whatever happens, you don't need to decide today or even this week, you have a bit of time to think.

Why would you be heading off in different directions at weekends if this one's a girl?

If you're thinking activities, there aren't many boys can do that girls can't, or vice versa. Boys can do ballet just as well as girls can do football or martial arts.

I do sympathise, and it must be an impossible dilemma. But the sex of the baby should be irrelevant- the way you phrase it reads as if a girl would be more of an issue (and therefore more of a reason to terminate). Please don't allow stereotyping to cloud your judgement.

There must be so many people who find themselves in similar positions - I suppose the true test is that nomatter how difficult we found the pregnancy/baby years, we wouldn't be without our 'surprise' DC for all the world.

(Mine is now 21, which brings a whole different load of trials and stresses, but I wouldn't swap her for anything!!)

Glad to have found you Only1Scoop. My chat with DH tonight will reveal more I'm sure. I hope you feel a bit happier but I completely understand how it feels to lose sight of a life that's fun again.

I'm embarrassed to say that many of you have a lot more get up and go than me and I obviously need to get a grip.

But I will try to envisage life either way and look into the longer term future rather than the baby (yuk) phase.

I will also look at support mechanisms. My catholic mother will freak if I terminate and I can only stand so much of her around the house so will need professional rather than family support.

And, is two really better than one?

Not better, not worse, just different.

And ime, when they're here, it's like they always have been. But that's my experience.

Discuss it carefully with your husband and I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

Only you can decide, it's such a personal decision. Good luck.

Let just say you do go a head with the termination and then later decide to to have another child which is difficult to conceive and you would need to have ivf again.

Do you think you could forgive yourself.

I'm a very pro choice and I don't even women should need a reason to continue a pregnancy they don't want.

Good luck with your talk tonight, hope it goes well.

Only1scoop Who does the majority of the childcare You or him.

Not exactly the same op, but I had an unexpected pregnancy several years ago. My immediate reaction was that I was going to terminate. DH didn't want me to, but supported whatever decision I made.

My reasons we that I wasn't ready, we didn't have the money, we weren't in the right kind of home, I wanted to move on in my career. I realised that if none of those obstacles were there I would absolutely have the baby. So I then had to decide how I'd feel if I terminated, would I end up resenting my life because it made me feel I couldn't have the baby. In the end I decided to keep the baby, although it wasn't to be, but I have no regrets.

I suppose what I an saying is do you want this baby but think you can't because of the obstacles? Or do you not want the baby but feel you need to justify yourself? You don't have to answer that, and I know it's not necessarily that simple, but if you do want the baby you can deal with the obstacles (I think, anyway). If you don't, you don't and you don't need to justify that decision.

Hope your talk with your DH goes well

I have a boy and a girl and we all do things together as a family at weekends. I can't tell you what to do as only you can make that decision however I can tell you my experience of having two children. I found out I was pregnant with dd and was so worried that I wouldn't love her as much as I loved DS and I worried that DS would feel left out. Fortunately as my bump grew, so did my love for her and when she was born I was besotted, as was her big brother! DS is now 4 and dd is 2 and they are great company for each other, they have arguments like all siblings do but most of the time they love each other! And I totally agree with the poster who said the baby days are very different with your second child- life carries on as normal and dc2 just has to fit in with that!

You've already said you don't like "mummy groups" much, so this might sound like crap advice but anyway - if you're about to move house/area, then it does help to have an excuse to go to some kind of group, to meet people in the area, and also for your DS to meet children he's likely to go to school with. Form bonds with people, then you find that your support network grows.

I moved in an extreme fashion - emigrated to Australia (Aussie DH) when Ds1 was 20mo, and as DH was next to useless when it came to the social side, I had to go out and find my own friends. Playgroups were invaluable (I found 2) - DS1 also did a few activities but I found here, as in the UK, that parents don't tend to talk to newcomers at activities, only people they already know. Playgroups though - brilliant.
Yes it might be boring, but not all women at playgroups just talk about their babies all day - many of them have other opinions and brains too!
What it did achieve for me and DS1 is having people we know, adults and children, whose house we can go to, whose children go to Ds1's school, who can occasionally do pick up for me if I'm delayed and DH is at work - all these things make one hell of a difference.

I'm not saying that you need a new baby to do any of this, of course you don't! But getting that support network going might make managing life with a new baby and a 3-4yo that bit easier, especially if your DH is going to be away a fair bit.

Will your DS be going to school next September? I assume so - so if you do decide to keep the baby, then you'll have time to create that bond between you and the new baby.
In my case, Ds1 started school at 5 (different here) and baby was 4mo when Ds1 started, so he didn't feel like he was being pushed out, and I got to have all those bonding times with Ds2 that I'd had with Ds1 when he started to become more responsive.

We both do around the same amount of childcare....he is extremely hands on and always has been....

I have a job I love but only work around 5 times a month.

He completely took our shock news in his stride....so happy ....

There are other factors I guess ....he is 50 ....I'm terrified of both having and not having this baby for all kinds if reasons....

Sorry to hijack Op

I hope your talk tonight goes well and you get all into perspective....

Please think it through carefully. A baby could be wonderful, the baby phase doesn't last long.

Imaging the decision is taken out of your hands. Do you feel relieved?...or sad?

Good luck deciding and as others have said if you go with your heart it will be the right decision for YOU.

I am pro choice so this is not to argue either way but the baby years are short, what's two hard years compared to the 40 or so you will know your kids! That said... they are bloody hard years!!!

IMAGINE

I once read some advice (here I think) for difficult decisions.

It was to make the decision one way or the other, firmly, before you went to sleep. Then in the morning you revisited it. If the decision felt right (but sad in the case of termination, or scary in the case of continuing etc) then you knew what you really wanyed to do. If you got up regretting your decision, then again, you then knew, deep down what it was you wanted to do.

I think you are getting ahead of yourself on the weekends apart thing 'if' you have a DD.

Also I think it's natural to feel protective of the child you already have at the prospect at another not yet with you. I feel a slightly older child sometimes hankers for a sibling in a way a very young child won't - so your DS may really enjoy it.

I've been an 'only' child (I have a much older sibling) and I have 3 DSs now. There's something to be said for both those situations. I must say two is an ok number to have of you ever need to pull a favour for child are etc; I could never nip next door and ask them to watch all three so I could go to the doctors or soemthing - they are too much - but two is ok...

Good luck with your decision

Another one is to toss a coin for it. (Sounds flippant, bear with me). If you don't like the result and decide to go for a "best of 3", then you've got your answer, tbh - it's the opposite one.

I would agree that a sibling is probably more important with older parents.

Not to say its crucial, by any means, but it helps share the burden of care at a younger age. I was only about 21/22 when my Dad developed heart problems - he was early sixties. None of my friends understood how stressful it was as they were just too young to comprehend it, but my siblings did.