6 weeks pregnant at 42 and considering termination

[AnnieDelores]

I'm in a mess. I have a lovely 3 year old DS from IVF. Our chances of conceiving naturally are very, very slim. Or so we thought.
I ran out of my pill which I was taking to manage painful ovulation and periods and BANG, I fell pregnant whilst arranging a repeat prescription.

The reality is, I had not planned to have any more children and am very happy with our family as it is. DS and I have a special bond and I cherish my time with him. We are comfortable financially, I have just started my own business which is doing really well, and we're about to move to Devon meaning my husband will be away from home for a few nights in the week with work (too far to commute daily).

My worries are these:

1. I HATED the baby phase and was pretty miserable with mild PND and very bored until DS was two.
2. My business will struggle as I'm a one-woman-band.
3. I love our holidays and time together as a couple and I know that this will be difficult for at least 3 years (holidays with young children are never relaxing)
4. I'm 42. That has all sorts of implications for the baby and my energy levels
5. If I have a girl, we will be heading in separate directions at weekends
6. I don't feel "Happy" to be pregnant. I feel sick with worry.

My husband really wants a sibling for DS but I;m not convinced that's a good reason to have another child.

That said, I'm terrified I may never forgive myself if I have a termination. DH says he understands how I feel and wants to talk tonight.

How can I make this impossible decision, unless nature makes it for me!?

Boy then girl, don't know what happened there!

DH and I have had a good talk. He was a bit stressed as 3 year old DS decided to resist bed time with a proper hissy fit tonight. My fault for introducing a new train game on the ipad (not always a blessing!)

DH was very understanding and said that he agrees there is no point in having this baby if I'm miserable at the prospect. He assures me he won't resent me but I know there is sadness at the prospect of a termination.

He said that if we do go ahead, he cant help out practically any more because of work (unless we cancel the move to Exeter which just feels like the wrong compromise) but he will help in whatever way he can.

He suggested we hire a "Mother's help" so I can get some rest or have a nap while someone else watches the baby. DS will be at school in September, although he will have only just turned 4 (August baby). We discussed starting a baby fund by saving some money and selling some shares to buy some help.

His view is that life changed dramatically after DS and that another baby won't be such a huge difference......apart from the obvious financial implications....Uni costs for example. He does still want a sibling for DS but not if my heart's not in it. He thinks a 3.5 year age gap will be fine and that they will play together. I think it means there's at least 3 years before they do properly interact......but I know I should consider the longer term picture.

We've decided to wait another week or two to see if the pregnancy is viable anyway (nature may take the decision away) and come to a decision before I reach 9 weeks. I understand you can take oral medication to end the pregnancy up until 9 weeks.

I need a drink!!!

Annie - re termination, yes I believe that you can. But I wouldn't cut it fine if that method would be important to you. You need to find a free appointment, have the pre-appointment discussion and the scan could date you differently.

Oh, also, I don't think a 3.5 year gap is a big deal. It really wouldn't be 3 years before they could interact.

op, they arent young and needy for ever, they grow into interesting young people who can fill your life with so much love.its not all doom and gloom and uni fee's. please think carefully, this sounds like your last chance to give your ds a sibling,, and you to have another person in the world you'll love as much as ds (dont doubt that for a second!). please dont think every person is over the moon when they find out they are pregnant either, I was never broody.

good luck in your decision.

Agree with Penguins, there's 3 years between my younger two and IME the real interaction starts as soon as the baby in interested in the world around them and can sit up - 6 months or so.
Glad you have had the chance to have a chat with your DH.

OP, I have a 4.5 year gap between my children and they have played together since the baby could sit up.

They are extremely close and utterly adore each other. The older one loves and pretects the younger one.

The younger one is now nearly 4 and they still get on well.

Good luck with whatever you decide. X

oh and i hated being pregnant and mother and baby groups too! and we are skint.

Ooh cross post with the 'baby sitting up'

I agree about the interaction - DS1 was getting feedback from DS2 pretty as much as soon as he was smiling and gurgling with pleasure. Yes, proper play takes a while but the relationship and interaction starts much, much earlier. DS1 was happy to keep resupplying toys after DS2 had chucked them on the floor repeatedly - way beyond my patience!

Only you can really make the decision. Sounds like your DH is very supportive whatever you decide.

I hope whatever you decide you are happy with the outcome.

Don't let the 3.5 year gap put you off, I have that and there are mostly great friends and have been from the start.

I would talk about it again in a week. Try not to stress in that time, you are still open to both options but just reflect a little on how real the barriers are and try to have a think about how you see your family in 5 and 10 years time rather than 9 months.

I always wanted two children because I did not enjoy being an only child. However, when pregnant with my DD I was terrified that could not possibly love her as much as I loved DS - or that it would spoil our wonderful bond. However, I need not have worried. I loved DD just as much as DS - and didn't love DS any less or feel it had spoiled our bond. We did everything as a family throughout their childhood apart from e.g. DS doing judo and DD having flute lessons - and it was wonderful fun.

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and your family once you are over the shock.

Annie, I am late to this thread and am sorry you find yourself in this situation .

I am with you on not liking the baby stage, taking til 2+ years to enjoy my kids, being bored at toddler groups etc.

For me having children was very much a 'Long Game', I had to brace myself to get through the baby stage one more time, but so, so enjoy my walking talking children now (we have 4 boys).

Ask yourself if you did have a MC, how would you feel? Relieved? Delighted? Wistful? Upset? Or a mixture of the above??

The most rewarding thing about having had more than one child (and the size of family i always wanted) is to see every day how different they all are: it's a source of never-ending fascination for me. I (and DH ) made all these very different people, frigging awe-inspiring.

I've had close and not-so-close age gaps and they all have their pros and cons (1 year, 4 years, 2 years gaps).
I had DS3 and DS4 aged 42 and 44 - all was well in pregnancy and delivery.

As others have said, you will arrive at the right solution for you and for your family - I am not trying to sway you either way, I just felt that certainly some of the concerns in your OP maybe arose from the shock of finding yourself unexpectedly in this situation.

You do what is right for you and yours

Your husband sounds so nice. I have three and forced my husband into the last one - he was horrified but LOVES it now!

You will not regret it if you keep the baby. But you may very well regret it if you don't.

I say hang on to the baby, to hang on to your husband if nothing else. What if he takes against you for not keeping it further down the line?

Yes, some people regret a termination they've had, but some regret the babies they went on to have - it's just not something that's easily talked about (not even on an anonymous internet forum).

Have the baby if it's right for you.
Don't have it if that's right for you.

Please do not continue the pregnancy to please your DH or to provide a sibling for your DD or for any other 'external' reason.
You have to know that whatever you decide is the right decision, not anybody else in RL or on here.

Hi OP, I have got a dd2 who is 14/15 weeks now. I was gutted when I found out and hated the entire pregnancy. I only went ahead with it as I couldnt face an abortion, even though I am thoroughly pro choice. I was sure I was going to feel nothing for her. Now, I cannot imagine life without her. Dd1 (who's almost 3) loves her to peices even though she's a total greeneyed monster and will give her teddies and try to play with her. Its completed our family.

Yes life is alot harder and we have had to make certain sacrifices but FOR US it has been worth it and I'm so glad i went ahead with the pregnancy.

That being said, I really don't beleive in the "lonely only' bollocks. I know plenty of children without siblings who have perfectly happy fun home lives.

Hth xx

It really isn't true that you don't regret a baby. It's just very, very hard to talk about. Because of course you love the child.

One last thing I would say is that you can sometimes feel that one decision should feel 'right'. It might not. That might be something that needs to come with time. It might be that you have to make a decision and then just commit to it. Just because neither decision sits 100% easily doesn't mean it's the wrong one IYSWIM.

OP, I really wanted to reply to you, as my own circumstances are so very similar to yours.
We had DD1, after gruelling IVF, when I was 1 month away from my 39th birthday. A much-longed for, precious child. I had a difficult pregnancy, (lots of bleeding) traumatic birth and mild pnd afterwards. But DD was everything I could ever have wanted and we quickly became a real little team. We would have liked another child, for DD's sake really (especially as we are older parents) but I never felt I needed another child for me, I was so utterly grateful for her.

Fast forward five years and life was great! DD had just gone to school full time, I had a part-time job I loved, there was no sadness at not having more children at all.
Amazingly, at the age of 44, I found myself naturally pregnant. My first words when I took the test and it was positive were 'oh no.' For very similar reasons to those you outlined above. I felt like I was writing off the next five years of my life. However, for us there was never any question of continuing with the pregnancy. There just wasn't.

I had an easier pregnancy second time, although I had another traumatic birth. We managed (DH was amazing) and DD2 was born a month before my 45th birthday.

I wouldn't say it has been a breeze, but it's been easier (and so much better) than I was expecting. There is a six year gap between DD's and to see them together makes my heart sing. DD1 is very much the 'Big Sister' and DD2 adores her.

DH travels a lot with work (he is away all this week) and while it is easier when he's at home (he does more than his fair share of housework/child care) I manage fine when he's not here and as DD2 is getting older (she is almost 2) it's getting easier all the time.

I hope you don't mind what I have written. I realise it might come across as me saying that I think you should keep the baby. I'm honestly not. I just felt that our circumstances seemed to be very similar and I thought my experiences might be helpful.

Take care of yourself, OP.

That phrase "As a family" makes me want to curl up , puke and die. Do what's right for you .

Ach wrong thread sorry op .x

In 25 years when you are 67 and your dh is 75, your son might be very happy to have a sibling.

OP I am your age now and had DS2 just before my 41st birthday - there is a 3.9 year gap between DS1 and him and they have really started to play together beautifully (with the odd bit of ruckus!) so try not to worry about the potential age gap - its not much.

I moved to Devon a year ago ( about 10 miles out of Exeter) with my DH and sometimes he is away - he doesn't get back till gone 9 o clock most nights - my situation is different because i have older DD's at home (aged 19 and 22) but i suppose in some ways its kind of like having a mothers help. My health is not that great so i am grateful for the help and if you decide to go forward with this pregnancy that is something you really might want to consider.

Anyway although my situation is different to yours i do see some similarities in our circumstances ( age, moved to Devon ect) I do agree with the poster above though and if you do want a termination via using tablets your time would be fairly short if you left it too much longer to look into - good luck with whatever you decide though.

Ok - I'm going out on a limb here, number one I'm not name changing and number two I've not read the full thread eek!!!

I have 2ds 11&12. I thought my time was done when I found out I was pg again.... A massive shock and dp didn't want it. I was unsure what to do and, like you, thought if I m/c that would be nature making a decision for me :(

However, I made it to 16 weeks - a private scan showed I was having a dd and I thought the same - "shit!! That means I can't do footy anymore and we will split up etc..." Forward a week and I had a horrendous bleed - ambulance, hospital etc. I thought that was nature taking my choice away because I was so devastated at the whole situation and instead of relief, I felt a complete horror! My DD hung on and thank god she did! She is now a huge part of our world and none of us regret what we did and the choice we made. I have 2ds 1 dd and 1 dsd and you know what? We all do things together. Boys play footy, girls do girly things - none of them clash and we all get along so well. Almost like it was meant to be :)

This post isn't meant to 'sway' you - I'm pro-choice, and if it isn't meant to be, then you need to do what is right. I just wanted to show you how a shit time can sometimes turn out just fine.

Good luck op xx