6 weeks pregnant at 42 and considering termination

[AnnieDelores]

I'm in a mess. I have a lovely 3 year old DS from IVF. Our chances of conceiving naturally are very, very slim. Or so we thought.
I ran out of my pill which I was taking to manage painful ovulation and periods and BANG, I fell pregnant whilst arranging a repeat prescription.

The reality is, I had not planned to have any more children and am very happy with our family as it is. DS and I have a special bond and I cherish my time with him. We are comfortable financially, I have just started my own business which is doing really well, and we're about to move to Devon meaning my husband will be away from home for a few nights in the week with work (too far to commute daily).

My worries are these:

1. I HATED the baby phase and was pretty miserable with mild PND and very bored until DS was two.
2. My business will struggle as I'm a one-woman-band.
3. I love our holidays and time together as a couple and I know that this will be difficult for at least 3 years (holidays with young children are never relaxing)
4. I'm 42. That has all sorts of implications for the baby and my energy levels
5. If I have a girl, we will be heading in separate directions at weekends
6. I don't feel "Happy" to be pregnant. I feel sick with worry.

My husband really wants a sibling for DS but I;m not convinced that's a good reason to have another child.

That said, I'm terrified I may never forgive myself if I have a termination. DH says he understands how I feel and wants to talk tonight.

How can I make this impossible decision, unless nature makes it for me!?

If you have a girl, you'll be blessed with 'one of each' and the envy of many Not a reason to have a child, but still..

*I'm embarrassed to say that many of you have a lot more get up and go than me and I obviously need to get a grip& NO op, you don't!! Only YOU know what you are capable of & please do not have a baby just because others a similar age have done so.

This is my biggest pet peeve of fb...if anyone is contemplating a termination for any reason, the

'you will cope because I did it'
'you won't regret having the baby' brigade come out & spout shit all over the thread, completely dismissing the ops reasons.

Look guys, I get it....you all had your surprise pregnancies & worked out for you. That is honestly fab....but it isn't a given that op will feel the same of she goes ahead!

I am the result of any unwanted pregnancy & I have no relationship with my mother. Op, she didn't want to continue with my pregnancy & my father talked her into it. We didn't bond at all & I spent 18yrs feeling unloved & unwanted.

I had a termination (would have been third dc - unplanned, accidental pregnancy) because pregnancy made me ill & I didn't want three children. I look back & I am only relived that I did what I did. I couldn't have coped with three children. I wouldn't be the mother I am now with 3 children.

Wanting to give your child a sibling is also not a good reason to continue a pregnancy. I have 2, they rarely play together & for as long as I can remember I have occupied dd2 A LOT!! They rarely play together nicely, so it is easier to keep them apart! A 2nd child does not = paymate for your dcs!

You will not regret it if you keep the baby. But you may very well regret it if you don't. And here it is....

You shouldn't say that, because you just don't know!!

I say hang on to the baby, to hang on to your husband if nothing else if her dh leaves her because she wouldn't have a second baby, he isn't worth holding on to! Op, please do NOT have a baby so your dh will stay!

Once the baby is born you'll love it - you know you are a loving mum so you wont regret it My mum was a loving mum to 2 before I came along, still was. Just not to me.

I am not suggesting that this will be op, but we need to stop making the assumption that the op will live happily ever after if she has this baby, because NONE of us know.

This morning I woke up thinking I was being a coward. You are not a coward op & having a termination WILL NOT make you one, either. YOU have to make a choice on what YOU need. Not your family, your ds, your dh...YOU! You will be the one carrying it, doing the lions share of the childcare.

You do have to consider PND, I am not going to lie...it can happen again & in fact, in my experience of several friends who have suffered, ALL have gone on to have it again. Some worse than before.

I know that sounds shit, but I can't sugar coat it like those who have done so below, because if you do go ahead with the pregnancy you need to be prepared! Not have a bunch of strangers say it won't happen! (I know not everyone said that)

I have had a termination and never regretted it, even once. I knew I did not want the baby with the same determination I knew I did want my DD's. It was actually an easy decision because I knew in my very soul that I could not continue with the pregnancy. It was 100% the right decision. Snap! I could have written that!

Whatever you do, please don't have a termination and lie to your husband. I am sure that was just a dark night thought, but it has no good outcome. Agree 100%. You will need his support, which ever way you choose.

Happy to chat more, op.

I think you're doing the right thing putting things in chain for a chemical abortion. Better to get that organised as soon as you can and then take time to consider your options / talk them through with a counsellor / your DH.

Gosh, it's a toughy for you.
No real advice expect that you won't necessarily be forced into the "Girl Camp" at the weekends if you have a girl...
Having 2 kids is hard work but so much fun. You sound like you've got the parenting nailed already.
Good luck.
Oh, my granny (I know different era blah blah) had her last child at 49. She was still full of energy and love in her 80s.

It seems to me that you will be doing all the compromising. These are his children too. Why isn't he prepared to make plans to help support you through this? You are going to have to make plans for your business and the upheaval in your life. Him providing more support could also help with preventing PND too.

It just seems to me you are the one sacrificing and potentially fitting in round the children and his life will barely change.

Just to share my experience, I am the same age and 22 weeks with my second. This baby was planned and much wanted, BUT second pregnancies are fraught with doubts along the lines you have discussed. I had no idea, until I reached this point myself, and read many many other posts on MN along the same lines. There are so many variables, things to consider, things which aren't relevant first time round, like how you will manage with two, how the first will adjust, how can it be fair to have less time for both.... I found the first 3 months really tough, constantly obsessing about whether I'd done the right thing.

I am also about to embark on a major life change, selling up everything and moving to start a new potentially risky business venture that will require a lot of time, money and guts. I'm frankly terrified.

However, for me I know I've made the right decision, because the upsides of dd having a sibling, out weigh the initial difficulties of having two little ones. I've decided that I will get an au pair to help with household tasks and the older child, and use the local nursery more than if I had just one. I've discussed things with DH - how we will need to budget for childcare, what realistically he will have to do at home.

Termination may be right for you but think carefully about the long term effects. I considered it once, as my marriage was pretty fundamentally broken at the time, but I couldn't do it. It wasn't for me. I support others who make a different choice, but it is a very personal decision.

Good luck. What ever you choose, do so with the support of your DH. Your marriage will not survive if you lie to him about this. It is his baby too.

Totally agree with differentname. I feel strongly about this but obviously this thread is not the place to vent as it might upset OP.

Then again if I vent elsewhere then I'll get pasted for TAAT.

I just think that most of the 'go on, just have it' reasons above are the ones applied by the anti abortion lobby in general, and belittle the OPs genuine concerns. If I'd known truly how hard work being a parent was, I'd have chosen to remain childless. But I now have a DS who is the love of my life and who I'd never willingly live without.

Using real, loved children as a reason to have further unborn, unplanned children seems unfair to me. Pro choice means pro choice whatever the reason, not trying to persuade women that their reasons are flimsy.

And on threads where parents truly can't cope with their situation for whatever reason, it is bad form to say why did you have them then.

Surely this is the point at which we can say yes, that looks tough, you'd be right to consider having further children very carefully. Sorry OP, I'm sure this doesnt help you personally but these threads always go the same way and I feel the need to say my bit.

MorrisZapp, as ever, makes very good sense, as does differentname. It's pretty irresponsible to encourage someone to continue an unwanted pregnancy while overriding her well-based concerns in a 'go on, you'll be fine' way.

Morris and Different ....I personally have read your posts with great interest and respect your honesty....

The Op asked for other viewpoints.

I don't think helping a woman to think through her reasons and consider all her options is against being pro-choice. We are talking about a 42 year old mum of 1 young child who is in a financial position to look after another child. I think it's fair enough for people to say I had similar concerns when I became pregnant with my second but overcame them in the following way. I think if OP decides that an abortion is right for her that will be a better decision for considering what the alternative would mean to her.

I agree with Morris and different and feel that ultimately, a place like mumsnet is not going to be one of impartial advice about a situation like this.

I hope you get to BPAS or some other source of professional counselling.

Hullo AnnieDelores

Do let us know (via the report button is fine) is you'd like your thread moved to our pregnancy choices topic

Although it is good to see, once again and despite popular opinion, AIBU is a place where you get support and good advice x

Good luck op x

I agree that all your points are valid but reality can be very very different, my second is TOTALLY different to my first in EVERY WAY , from delivery to feeding, sleeping, talking EVERYTHING.

so holidays, day to day life has ALL been very differnet than the first, and having two is differnet to one, and a tiny bit easier for me actually.

as for DC1, she loves her sibling and has actually thanked me and says she is she is the best thing ever, been saying that for four years now

good luck!

different - I have known most of my life that my mum considered an abortion when she found out that she was pregnant with me (my dad got really bitter when they split up and told me lots of things that he really should not have done so) and I can completely understand why - my sisters were 9 and 6 when I was born, and she had recently gotten her career back on track. There are still times when I think I can see her remembering that thought process, and I am fairly certain she doesn't regret her ultimate choice! Part of me would love to ask her how she feels about that choice now, but I know I never will...

But I never felt that I was loved any less than my sisters (well mabe DSis2 was the favourite!) and despite my parents (!) I have grown up reasonably well balanced!

OP - I found the second child to be a lot less monotonous, as the 2 year old kept things changing. I'm not that fond of the baby stage, but it was easier 2nd time round... That said, I am not generally prone to depression, but even I find the baby stage to be a part of my life where I was noticibly more down... having a sibling can be important, I found my dad's death to be a lot easier having my sisters with me (we are very close) but you can't guarantee that they will be close...

I think whichever way you go, you have to own the decision, so if you don't terminate, accept that you kept the baby for the right reasons, and if you terminate, accept that at the time it was right.

I'm one of 3, and couldn't imagine life with just one child, but that is my choice, not yours... Do what works for you and your family...

Thank goodness for differentnameforthis and morris. I've just finished reading this thread and am quite shocked by some of the advice I've read, particularly "hang onto the baby to hang onto your husband". Anecdotal stories of surprise pregnancies working out fabulously aren't particularly helpful either.

Op, you do not need to get a grip nor are you a coward. You and only you know what you can cope with and knowing this is brave in itself. This isn't about giving your dc a sibling so that he can have a 'friend for life' this is about you. If you don't feel you can be the mother you are or the person you are if you have another child it's okay to have a termination. Other people's situations don't really come into it.

It's a really tough decision to make, and it may be that neither scenario is ideal. If you don't want another child then that's reason enough to consider abortion. You don't need the 5 point list in your op.

Similarly, if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy it sounds like you're in the position to be able to hire some help which would be great.

Just don't have a baby for the benefit of anyone else. I also wouldn't advise you to have a termination and lie about it. You will need support during and afterwards and it sounds like your dh will support you either way anyway.

You don't have to tell your mum either if you think it will go against her beliefs. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. We're not obliged to share every detail of our lives with our parents. One person's beliefs should have no impact on another person's life choices.

Good luck. You've got a lot of thinking to do. My advice would be to keep talking-don't bottle it up inside. And try not to get distracted by what you think you should do.

Oh OP, really hope you keep the baby. I'm relatively pro-life and think it's best to declare that up front. You've had a mix of different, all valid advice. I can't imagine how you feel but I am the older sister to an unplanned sibling and I cannot imagine life without them. Whatever decision you make, I hope you are really supported. Best wishes.

I think 'Pregnancy Choices' would be a good home for this thread.

Annies, whatever you decide it is clear from your posts that you are considering this huge decisions from all angles. You are quite clearly not a coward .
I agree with booking your appointment to get the process towards termination going - you know you can pull out at any time if you end up not wanting to go ahead with it.

Wishing you strength on your way ahead.

Like gordy I actually think this thread was a rather 'good' AIBU - anecdotes or not. Whichever we lead our lives of course has nothing to do with how the OP wants to lead hers, but certain things are hard to say on MN and almost impossible in RL (like 'I regretted the child I reluctantly had').
different

Oh OP what a gut wrenching decision to face. I think all you can do is go with what feels best for you. What's your gut feeling? Bear in mind that you've had a massive shock so let that subside a little bit (though booking the appointment for a termination is a good idea, you can always cancel if you decide you don't need it anymore).

You are definitely not a coward OP, having to decide something like this is extremely difficult. Whatever your decision it has to be what's best for you- not what your DH wants, not whether your DS would like a sibling. Purely on yourself.

It's great that you've booked an appointment, this gives you time to think it over but you still have it ready and arranged to go ahead rather then panicking at the last minute.

It's very possible to regret having another child, just as it's possible to regret having any children. People don't tend to give voice to that because of the grief they'd get for it though. Equally, it's possibly not to regret an unplanned- it's just unknown which one someone will feel if they continue with a pregnancy. Likewise with a termination, despite media constantly going on about how messed up it makes you I can honestly say out of the 4 people I know who've had one only one regrets. And she was pressured by her shit of an ex, so it wasn't the choice she originally wanted.

I do think speaking to someone professional and neutral would be advised since you are torn. I'd also recommend, if you decided to continue, that you do it on the grounds that things change. It sounds like your DH is happy to go along because it has very little impact on him and his life, whereas it's a real shake up on yours. Hire a nanny, get him putting more in etc.

If you have a termination definitely don't lie to your DH.

It's your choice.
I wasn't crazy about pregnancy, had a hideous traumatic birth and mild PND. It took me 2 years to be comfortable with the idea of a second child, despite having a excellent bond with DS but we went ahead and it has been wonderful. And so much easier than the first!

OP, I have no advice as I don't know what's best for you and you need to work that out. But I do agree that Morris and Differentname have made good points. Nobody knows except you and the anecdotal experiences and feelings of others are not necessarily your experiences- you just don't know how it will go either way.
It's an awful position to be in and I sympathise.

AnnieDelores, how are you feeling today.

Hi Everyone. Thanks so much for your advice and concern. I'm so glad I posted and I agree that AIBU has worked well in this case.

I haven't been offended by anyone's comments. I asked for opinions and advice and that's what I'm getting. Sometimes, anecdotes and life experience is all we can draw upon when we want to give others advice, I don't mind that. We're not all professional counsellors and I appreciate the time you've taken to share your thoughts. It's helped me get through the day.

I've had a lovely afternoon with DS who wanted to "read" me stories (flick through pages telling me what he sees). He even told me I had a little bottom which cheered me up no end.

I feel a bit more positive today. I am beginning to explore scenarios of how life might look and gazing a bit further ahead than just the next three years. It doesn't look so frightening. I hope that with a bit of effort, I could find a great network of mums in Exeter to meet up with and help relieve the boredom of the baby years. I will pay for a mother's help and not stress about housework and I know at least two people who could potentially look after my business with a bit of support and training.

The prospect of PND is terrifying, but this time around I would recognise the signs and seek help sooner if needed.

DS was a very difficult baby. He had colic, reflux, didn't sleep for more than 20 or 30 minute stretches during the day and screamed for hours if I stopped moving. I also suffered a 3 / 4th degree tear and still suffer from that injury. I know I would be offered a C section tis time round.

One concern I haven't resolved is practical support from my husband. It is very one-sided. He has suggested we don't move so far from his office (but I have my heart set on the beach) and hasn't, so far, been able to offer any more suggestions. He works 8 till 6 most days and sometimes as evening functions too.

This is what we need to discuss in more detail. Your comments about this aspect have encouraged me to examine it further.

Really feel for you OP. It's so hard being pregnant when you don't expect or necessarily want it. When I fell pregnant I was 26, just started my first teaching job, hadn't been with DP for that long, didn't have any money, didn't own a home. I was doing so much with my life and had so many plans that I really felt like I couldn't go through with the pregnancy even though part of me felt like it was the wrong decision. I tied myself up in knots and made myself ill over the decision.

In the end, I went to BPAS counsellor with DP on the advice of my mum. It really helped us to see through the fog and make a decision together. We chose to keep our baby; she is now almost two and I feel sick at the thought that I could have terminated her. This is not to say you should keep yours; I am pro choice and you must do what's right for you but I can thoroughly recommend counselling even if you feel it's not for you; it really helped us to do the right thing for us.