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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think a social worker is not needed here

263 replies

SoddingCupcakes · 16/09/2014 12:54

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/09/2014 12:57

I am sorry I have no useful answers but coulden't leave you. It does seem heavy handed. Mabey they thought you needed support yourself.

HeySoulSister · 16/09/2014 13:02

maybe school have also exressed some concerns

maybe things aren't as good as you think they are....who knows? but no,i don't think its wasting social workers time or resources,as someone clearly does thik you need some help

PicandMinx · 16/09/2014 13:03

Make sure someone is with you. They can act as a witness. I would be concerned that you seem to be unaware of these referrals. Is there more to this story? Have you seen a HV?

jacks365 · 16/09/2014 13:07

Social services have limited time to do an initial assessment this visit is not going to be because of a referral a month ago. If everything is as you state then you have no need to worry and I would suggest you use social services to get the damp problem sorted get a good sw and they will be really good for putting pressure on the right people.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 16/09/2014 13:11

I think maybe your home isn't as clean as you think it is, I'm sorry.
The cannabis use is a legitimate concern, I'm afraid. 'A few months' isn't very long at all.
You need to engage with them; show willing, make some improvements and they will sign you off once satisfied.

forago · 16/09/2014 13:11

it sounds like theyre more bothered about the home conditions than the cannabis use - i think i'd take a hard look at that and try and see what an outsider saw that made them refer it on.

grocklebox · 16/09/2014 13:12

Social services don't know that he's given it up. As far as they are aware you have young children in a flat with someone using illegal drugs. They are doing the job they are supposed to do.

Heels99 · 16/09/2014 13:19

See it as an opportunity for help. Great if your MH has improved and your dh has quit drugs. But if the house was bad enough to need a serious blitz ( be honest with yourself) and thee are reports of drug taking of course ss will be concerned to support you, all that has happened so far is they have offered to help you clean up, doesn't sound so bad. Give them a chance,don't be defensive. Maybe they can help with the damp. If they see all is fine they will be on their way, they have more pressing cases as you say. But on paper drug addicted dad, depressed mum and dirty house doesn't look great. If they see that isn't the case and things are headed in the right direction, then great you may not hear from them again.

Altinkum · 16/09/2014 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Altinkum · 16/09/2014 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoddingCupcakes · 16/09/2014 13:27

maybe school have also exressed some concerns

But never to me?

Make sure someone is with you. They can act as a witness.

DH will be there. Is that enough?

I would be concerned that you seem to be unaware of these referrals.

Same here! I am GREATLY concerned, upset and angry. I am tempted to phone the outreach worker and ask why she lied to me, bad move? I haven't seen a health visitor since April when my DD had her 4 year check and all was well.

this visit is not going to be because of a referral a month ago

Why is it? :( I'm so confused. I asked the SW and she said cannabis use and home conditions.

I think maybe your home isn't as clean as you think it is, I'm sorry.

What is the threshold for cleanliness for SW involvement, anyone know?

Social services don't know that he's given it up.

I told the outreach worker, as did DH. How can we prove that he has given up? Is there any way?

Also: are they going to take the DC away? If not, I'd like all professionals to butt out of my life. I just get ontop of my depression & anxiety and then this knocks me off and I become a crying mess again. Their involvement is actually pushing me back into panic attacks (I haven't had a panic attack in a year and now they've just came back. What can I do to make the professional involvement stop?? Will they ever leave me alone or will they be at my neck for as long as I am a mother??)

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 16/09/2014 13:31

What is the threshold for cleanliness for SW involvement, anyone know?

Good gracious, I don't know. But I can't believe that breakfast dishes on the table is any of their business. Mine still are now but I always do a sweep of the house and do the dishwasher before school pick up. I work from home and use doing housework as procrastination, so try and ignore it all.

LadyLuck10 · 16/09/2014 13:33

I'm sorry but I really am glad that ss has visited, it means that people are concerned. To YOU things may be under control, but to the person who anonymously reported it they had a good reason to. Why are you accepting your DH smoking cannabis, does it matter that it's outside??

BackInTheGame · 16/09/2014 13:37

OP I'm so sorry to hear this, it must be so stressful for you. I know it's really hard to do in this situation but I think the best way to go about it is to try to calm right down, take deep breaths and deal with the situation rationally. If you get yourself in a panic you are more likely to act out of character and do or say something which might give them cause for concern.

If I were you I would:
a) Make sure your house is properly blitzed so that it is tidy and clean when the sw arrives
b) Ask your DD's teacher how she is doing at school (just in case there is something that is going on there that you don't know about). No need to mention sw to the teacher, just say you're interested in her progress.
c) Ensure that there is absolutely NOTHING related to drug use in your house - if they find this they are less likely to believe your DH.

If you put all of your energy into sorting out the above then you are likely to feel more calm and more optimistic and make a brilliant impression on the sw when they visit.

Best of luck! Flowers

Altinkum · 16/09/2014 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 16/09/2014 13:39

It sounds as though someone nearby (a neighbour?) has been reporting your Dh for continued cannabis use.

If the outreach worker asked you if you needed support with cleaning then I am going to tactfully suggest that there were bigger problems in evidence than a couple of breakfast bowls on the table at lunchtime. I have seen some shockingly dirty and untidy houses in my time, but those people were never referred to SS by their HV or anyone else, because everything else as it should be.

Are you sure your DH has knocked the cannabis completely on the head?

GoblinLittleOwl · 16/09/2014 13:39

Thank goodness Social Services are listening to concerns and taking some action.

monkeyfacegrace · 16/09/2014 13:40

I agree that ss are doing the right thing.

They don't know your children are safe.

I'd much much rather they were over assertive, than let one slip through that ends in tragedy. They aren't there to ruin people, they are there to protect children.

I also suspect your house is worse than you think Sad

You need to make sure the children have clean, dry beds with bedlinen on. Hoovered and mopped floors, no animal mess, left over food or dirty nappies. No work tools, carpet gripper rods exposed, dead flies, that sort of thing.
Make sure the kitchen is clean, dishes are washed, there is clean cups and cutlery.
Make sure the cupboards and fridge have food in.
Bleach the bath and toilet and sink, soap by the sink and a hand towel.

All very basic standards but are essential really.

Good luck. Flowers

grocklebox · 16/09/2014 13:40

You told them he'd given up, but to be fair thats exactly what you'd say if he hadn't. They don't know, so they have to check for other warning signs.

Be open, be honest and engage, and you will be fine. Do not under any circumstances ring anyone complaining about being referred.

Hanselsdad · 16/09/2014 13:40

I think they are being heavy handed.

Cannabis use among adults is extremely common (except on MN!). If the house is as you say then this seems over the top.

OP, is there bags of rubbish around the house? Do the DC have clean warm beds? Toothbrushes? Clean clothes? Adaquete food? I'd the house warm and are there bathing facilities?

Mop floors before hand, make beds, clean toilets, kitchen sides.

Hanselsdad · 16/09/2014 13:42

Christ on a bike people, this is cannabis the OP is talking about. He's not a crack cocaine addict.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 16/09/2014 13:42

And I agree with Altinkum that if you have a history of depression and your DH has a history of taking drugs and the various agencies are aware of these two facts, then it's right and that someone should follow this up and make sure everything is ok.

grocklebox · 16/09/2014 13:45

I don't have any problem with cannabis at all, I think it should be legal. But the reality is it is not legal and if social services and the police are knocking on your door because of it, you have to take it very seriously. Try telling them that its "not crack cocaine" and see what happens......

theendoftheendoftheend · 16/09/2014 13:45

My ex smoked weed, he openly admitted it to SW (they turned up due to a referral from women's aid after I called them regarding ex) the SW told ex they view the use of cannabis much as they do the use of alcohol (depends on the circs and amounts being used i suppose) they really didn't seem to have an issue with it.

dashoflime · 16/09/2014 13:45

Hi OP,

I had a social services investigation when I was pregnant because I missed some appointments (turned out letters were sent to an old address and I knew nothing about it).

It was absolutely terrifying and, like you, I worried that my child would be removed. The actual reality was far less bad than I feared.

I found the Family Rights Group website a very useful resource. The info there should help you to understand the process and the legal thresholds for various types of intervention. You can also phone them for advice if you need to.

I think the most likely outcome is that a social worker will come around, have a chat with you and close the case. Make sure the house is tidy and be open and cooperative. I'm sure it will all be fine.

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