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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think a social worker is not needed here

263 replies

SoddingCupcakes · 16/09/2014 12:54

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

OP posts:
Bouttimeforwine · 17/09/2014 16:55

I agree with a lot of the above post but

Witness the way people suddenly think they have the right to dictate how a man spends his money. If this was a thread about something else (as long it was not related to benefits) people wouldn't be telling the OP her OH should give up smoking because he should be spending the money on the family.

I think people are responding to the budgeting issue. I think people would say the same regardless of the social worker issue.
I know it's not that easy to give up smoking and that there are often underlying issues with this, however it is the obvious answer to create more money for a family.

I am also concerned that the op thought that DH would rather leave the family if she didn't back him up, and that she didn't want to be responsible for this. That's not a reflection on her, but it is a bit of a red flag that she may think that DH may react like that. Fortunately it seems that DH has stepped up to the mark.

Glad that today went well. You obviously handled it well.

MrsDeVere · 17/09/2014 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheEponymousGrub · 17/09/2014 17:27

BOUT
She didn't say she thought HE would leave, she said that having asked him, once he'd said No, what more could she do, SHORT of leaving HIM?

drudgetrudy · 17/09/2014 17:44

Sorry-getting a bit touchy aren't I? Was just horrified to see some judgmental, nasty crap right under my name, but I can see now that they aren't linked.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/09/2014 17:45

And if the OW has messed up the notes then there is another family with the issues she referred the op for who she thinks she referred but didn't

headinhands · 17/09/2014 18:04

It worries me how many people are citing the op's MH as any concern. Years ago it was my own HV who gently encouraged anti depressants when I was struggling with anxiety. SS are concerned about the carers ability to meet the physical and emotional needs of their children regardless of the MH of the carers. I had to say something because I see that some parents avoid seeking help for MH issues because of this unfounded paranoia.

LEMmingaround · 17/09/2014 18:25

Headinhands i couldn't agree more!! To be fair mist posters recognise that mh problems often don't impact on your parenting. Im not saying it is never a concern but it doesn't always=cause for concern.

I was very upset by some of the posts suggesting the mh was a reason for the visit and had i read this thread when i first become unwell i would never have sought help for fear of losing my dd.

As it stands i have suffered two breakdowns, been suicidal. Had several rounds of counselling and therapy and not once has anyone questioned my parenting or even suggested that dd would be at risk. Certainly no refferal to social services. All my counsellor s made it clear that they ewere bound by law to report any safegaurding issues to my gp ans ss but made it equally clear that they saw none. Oh and also acts of terrorism and money laundering! Always makes me HmmGrin

I think there is so much ignorance surrounding mental health issues.no wonder people are scared to get help.

Am glad it went well for you OP.

Dragonfly71 · 17/09/2014 18:26

Elric, aren't social workers actively encouraged to always be aware of their belief systems and how that might effect their judgement? Like you, I really hope they explore that in supervision because ultimately decisions must be based on wether a child is at risk rather than a value judgement. It will probably worry OP if she thinks this is the case! But I do know what you mean. I have worked with some SW who lose patience with women who don't just leave abusive men because they themselves can't imagine putting up with it. Worrying really.

Spero · 17/09/2014 18:27

Glad it went well op.

We had a fantastic contribution to the CPR site from a mumsnetter about mental health issues and social workers which is worth checking out.

www.childprotectionresource.org.uk/reporting-post-natal-depression/

hectoronthehill · 17/09/2014 19:03

Oh, OP. I used to think that people complained that SS involvement being like persecution for no reason were just lying. Then, I became involved with them myself and they were absolutely diabolical. I've no doubt that there are good social workers about, but my experience was wholly bad. My complaints were only upheld when I went to an ombudsman. More vulnerable people must deal with them and get trampled on.

Like others, my advice would be to go along with what they say as long as it's reasonable. Then, if you still feel like it's been dealt with badly, make a complaint after you're finished with them. They really don't like it if you don't go along with what you say.

Good Luck :)

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/09/2014 19:39

I'm a strong believer in cock up over conspiracy. Sounds like the OW got in a muddle. I suspect a complaint will go better if you do it in a "wrong data" way rather than a "made up lies" way.

SoddingCupcakes · 17/09/2014 19:50

I am also concerned that the op thought that DH would rather leave the family if she didn't back him up, and that she didn't want to be responsible for this.

No, not at all. Rather, he would say "nope, I'm not stopping" and then what do I do? Either suck it up or leave are my choices basically. That's what I meant.

OP posts:
gentlehoney · 17/09/2014 20:30

It sounds like you had found a good compromise with him smoking outside, if only it hadn't been noticed by the neighbours.(I am assuming this was for normal cigarettes too?)
Ideally this will be good motivation for your husband to try to give up, but if not I can only think of him going to the shed/conservatory or using just one room in the house?
I am so glad it all went well for you, and I hope you can get over the shock eventually.
When something like this happens I think the hardest thing is that there is nowhere to "put" the anger and hurt, because you are glad that social services are there for those who need them, and you are glad that people care enough to try to help (even if it is misguided) and yet it can devastate the family, and spoil your enjoyment of your children if you are not very careful, and it is harder if you have nowhere to direct the feelings.

Don't be afraid to ask for help in dealing with it.

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