to think a social worker is not needed here

[SoddingCupcakes]

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

I'm so glad OP! Really happy for you.

Re the tobacco...weeeeeell he's not doing anything illegal, but I suspect it wouldn't hurt to keep your neighbours onside so if he can avoid it, he should. Easier said than done though I'm sure.

OP you need to lay off being pissed off with your neighbour for 'having it in for you'. Quite frankly their response to having a neighbour smoking dope in a communal area where their children could of been affected was quite normal

Its you DH/P you should be pissed off at

OP I'm so pleased the meeting went well for you. I didn't think you were coming across badly on the thread, it was clear to me that you were just very anxious and scared.

I do think it would be worthwhile raising a complaint about how the referral was made without a discussion taking place with you. You were actively lied to, rather than someone just failing to communicate, and that was extremely unprofessional.

if his smoking is costing the family £200 a month

Are you speaking to me? My DH doesn't spend that on smoking.

But if you are struggling with budgeting then the first thing to go should be the smoking.

Is no one aloud any treats? I choose the gym. He chooses smoking. We have a decent salary but are crap with budgeting.

I do think it would be worthwhile raising a complaint about how the referral was made without a discussion taking place with you. You were actively lied to, rather than someone just failing to communicate, and that was extremely unprofessional.

Yup. The lies got even more outrageous when the SW told us about the referral. OW had said DH said things he had not. OW worker said she informed us both of the referral. OW said DS was in a high chair when he visited (we don't own a high chair and SW saw this when she visited). OW said I failed to engage with the local children's centre.

She really fucked up with the last one. I am in the children's centre every week without fail attending various groups and activities, and I sign a sign-in sheet at every visit :D I told this to the SW and suggested she may like to check the sign in sheets. I also recently went on a themepark trip with the children's centre along with 50 other witnesses. Oh dear, not looking good for OW. Her behaviour has baffled me.

I'm really glad it went well OP.

My strong advice to you now would be to let the whole thing with the OW go - but you've said yourself that if the SW can help you with things inc budgeting that will be a "massive improvement". So even if it's come about in a stressful/badly communicated way, it's all to the good really isn't it? You did need a little bit of help and you're getting it?

Harbouring/pursuing resentment toward the OW will almost certainly not get you the resolution want and will likely make you feel more stressed out. I think they say about these sorts of things "it's like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die". Try and let it go, accept the help you are being given and try to relax at home with your family.

When "treats" are bringing the police and SS to your door its time to rethink, no?

If he is smoking roll up tobacco especially, how are the neighbours to know there isn't weed in them? Whats to stop them reporting him again?

OP your attitude is stinking tbh and I am bowing out of this thread now. I hate the minimising of cannabis on mumsnet anyway, and tbh I dislike smokers too. Such a selfish and money wasting habit. You are struggling to afford to fix damp in your bathroom yet you can afford tobacco, and before that, weed? My ex smoked weed and its an expensive habit.

Good luck with it all anyway.

I wonder if they've massively fucked up and got your details mixed up with someone else's after your most recent post OP.

Seems odd. Maybe ow visited two familys and got the findings the wrong way round? Just musing really.

Glad it went well for you. Glad your dh has knocked the weed on the head too. Its hard and he's done well. I wouldn't give a fig about what neighbours thought about him smoking outside tbh.

Yeah, I think she has got the wrong case notes attached to your name. That would explain the delay in the referral too.

I will tell you one thing Cupcakes, your attitude could do with a bit of spit and polish... if you don't want people's opinions, don't post in AIBU - or better still, don't post at all!

Great news op :) i am crap at budgeting too.

There are lots of threads on here about that. Maybe lo9k there ir start a new thread.

Glad it went well OP. I disagree with those saying "let it go" with regards to the OW. She's either lying deliberately, made a huge mistake, inadequately trained, or just not up to the job. Either way, if you don't do anything, many other families may potentially be affected by her poor practice.

Once the visits from the SW are over and the dust has settled, you could make a formal social care complaint to your council (they will have a complaints procedure). Please don't see it as "moaning", complaints can be very constructive - avoiding distress to other families, and improving the OW knowledge and practice. It may also help you to be able to put the whole situation to bed, as it were, to know you have done something about it. At the same time you can also compliment the SW if you wish, if you have found her helpful, as highlighting good practice can be equally beneficial.

Ffs. Her husband can smoke fags outside his own house. Pretty sure the neighbours will be able to smell the difference.

Not surprised op is getting shirty with some of the self righteous posts on here.

Really glad it went well op, you can relax, you sound like a great mum.

Glad it went well and it does sound like a mix up.
Can I just point out OP that you have responded to me quoting things I never posted. Were you replying to someone else?

I'm a bit gobsmacked that I have been quoted as saying that you were not a candidate for mother of the year.
I would never say that to anyone, especially someone I don't know.
I was attempting to reassure you that your difficulties sound nowhere near the level where social services would consider applying to remove the children.
AnywayI'm pleased it went well.

I am so glad Sodding, very pleased, yes do make a complaint about the outreach worker, she has behaved very unprofessionally, and made up lies about you.

Drudge. OP wasn't doing that. She thanked you for your post. Nothing else. The rest of her post wasnt directed at you.

I agree truly , especially in light of cupcakes most recent post. If cupcakes feels up to it I definitely think it needs to be looked in to.

Yep drudge reads to me that the op was just thanking you for what you have posted and the quotes arnt aimed at you

yes do make a complaint about the outreach worker, she has behaved very unprofessionally, and made up lies about you.

Indeed. We will when the case is closed. Why do you think she did this?

Sounds all a bit over zealous on the ow's side. I would definitely make a complaint as she sounds like she needs retraining.a different job