to think a social worker is not needed here

[SoddingCupcakes]

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

KEGirlOnFire your Dsis sounds like she's in a right mess. It's cases like hers that really make me wonder why SS are concerning themselves with me.

You may want to try and find out which malicious neighbor has been reporting you though

I would love to do this. Any ideas how?

When the police came and asked you if your DH used cannabis, and you said no, was that a lie?

Yes it was a lie, but how do they know that for sure? I might have just been ignorantly naive. Please guys, don't tell me you wouldn't protect your husband when fired a question by a police officer? Would you rather just throw your marriage down the shitter? Are you guys really that morally perfect?

Your DH smoking cannabis outside the house when DC are asleep? A messy dining table? Meh

Meh indeed. What a waste of their time. Now I'm thinking about all the "meh" things I can report my neighbours for.

LEMmingaround Big hug from me. I feel just as you do. We are shit mothers because we have depression & anxiety. Lock up our kids and throw away the key.

..Yet somehow I doubt our DC would be better off in care?

Don't sign anything.

That's very random. What would they ask me to sign?

Thanks for your advice re: the OW. I wonder why she outright lied to me ("no further action will be taken").

I think the problem really started when you told the police that DH didn't smoke cannabis.

So if I had said yes, they would have just skipped off. So ALL of this is my fault. Not DH for actually smoking the cannabis? Are you on glue??

Don't try and find out which neighbour reported you. What would you do with that information if you somehow found out? No one in a position of authority will be able to tell you anyway.

Don't try and find out which neighbour reported you.

If I could, I would. It's horrible living so close to someone (its a block of 6 flats) and knowing they have it in for you.

Op I think you are being very naive.

You have lied to the police, and no I wouldn't protect DH by lying to the police as that in it self could get me arrested for preventing the course of justice. It is a serious crime. I have 2 children to think about and wouldn't risk them and my job which I need to provide for them.

It showed SS that you can not be trusted to tell them the truth.

I think you really need to calm down.

cailn I don't think it's quite fair to say the OP actually lied to the police. She didn't absolutely KNOW it was her DP smoking on the day they were asking about. I mean, even if she'd said Yes, it MIGHT have been him - that wouldn't be much evidence for a prosecution, would it? I think that aying she didn't KNOW is -just - within the boundaries of what's truthful.

Ooh it doesn't do fadas, sorry CailinDana!

Sodding they may not have it in for you, they may be genuinely Co corned and just trying to help. Please don't look at this as a bad thing, the social work only want to find out if you're needing any help and if you do, they'll help you.

I know it's scary, I've been there. And I know it's hard not to act out of anger and frustration, I've been there too. But it'll only make things a hundred times worse if you meet them with hostility. If you do they'll continue in your life. If you're open and honest with them and they see you and your dc are fine they won't have any reason to deal with you.

I don't think it's fair to say one of your neighbours has it in for you. Someone was regularly engaging in an illegal activity just outside their home. Reporting it to the police is a perfectly normal response.

You don't know that whoever reported your DH "has it in for you". All you know is that someone reported the cannabis smoke outside their property.

Do you think they are being malicious for reporting it? Isn't it reasonable to expect to not have cannabis smoke wafting into your house? I'd be furious if this was the case and I thought my children were exposed to it.

Say you do find out who reported it? What would you do - confront them? Maliciously report them for something? None of these options are a good idea especially as you have to demonstrate to SS that you are being reasonable.

Most people's husbands don't give them cause to lie to the police. And someone who is sick of a neighbour standing outside smoking weed doesn't have it in for you, they just don't want someone smoking weed outside their home. I started reading the thread and feeling v sympathetic to you - and going to put our breakfast dishes in the dishwasher - but I'm not sure now.

OP why are you so bothered about which neighbour reported the cannabis use? Can you imagine how much they will have resented the stink coming into their homes - onto their children? Also they will have wrestled with their conscience about whether nightly drug taking was concerning enough to report. They obviously came to the conclusion it was. Whether they were right or wrong to do so, I don't know, but they may very well have had the best of intentions.

Focus on your life, not what a neighbour might have done - after all, it's not as though they've made up the drug use is it?

I have a flat and the guy upstairs used to hang outside his window and smoke weed and it really carried into the window of my flat in the summer if it was open. If your DH was imposing on others (and especially if he seemed stoned and was with other stoned friends) then I don't think it's at all unreasonable for neighbours to get irritated by this and to report him.

Your neighbour had every right to report a crime happening in their vicinity, especially if that crime directly impacted on them, which it would if smoke was coming in their windows and stinking up their area. So forget about finding out who it was unless you want to apologise to them for being a nuisance.

I wouldn't lie to the police to protect my DH because if my DH did something illegal he would be out on his ear until he stopped doing it. The fact that you see nothing wrong with lying and think that "everyone would do it" says it all for me. You need wise up, fast, because a tendency to lie to authority as a massive red flag for SWs.

Why do you think your neighbours 'have it in for you'? The majority of people who raise concerns with ss do so because they are concernd about the welfare of the children involved.

I am also concerned that you want to waste ss time by reporting 'meh' things. Why would you want to take them away from people who need help?

And if you're looking for ways to handle this, my advice would be:

Tidy the house
When the SW visits, admit to lying, tell him/her that you're really sorry about it but you panicked and you wouldn't normally lie to the police, that you both got a fright and that your DH now no longer smokes cannabis but you're willing to cooperate with them as you understand their concern and you wish to demonstrate that there's nothing to worry about.
Listen to what the SW says, don't be defensive, and think carefully if there are other things you might need to change.

You are starting to sound defensive. Admit where you have gone wrong and convince them that you genuinely want to make amends.

There is nothing wrong with the neighbour reporting you. YABU to get upset and angry about that. You WBU to lie. So accept this and concentrate on moving forward in a positive way. Any hint of this inability to accept that you (and DH) have made mistakes, and the SW will be hanging round for quite a while.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

If you want rid of the interfering social workers you need to play the game. When they come to visit, game face on, smile sweetly, yes mam no mam here bags full. Eventually you'll drop off their radar.
Arguing, complaining , being seen in any way to be less that 150% cooperative will just make things worse.

Three bags full.... Sorry , autocorrect

If my husband smoked canabis i wouldn't be with him anymore. I do not agree with canabis being about children. And whilst you say he only smoked it outside, your neighbour may have told them that he smokes it inside all the time.

A house in a mess, a husband smoking cannabis and the outreach worker when questioned would have told SS you have MH problems then yes, they will come and see you. But not to bollock you but to make sure everything is ok and to offer you support.

Well, I've got nothing to hide.

Will the SW be able to tell me then and there whether or not there will be any follow up? My anxiety needs certainty.

I work in a nursery and am the safeguarding officer
I've recently undertaken training on families in need and the aim where I live is to support families not to take children into care
The children's centre work very closely with as and the police and have a vast support network that provides clothes, toys, nappies, food, even carpets
The aim is to intervene early and to avoid situations escalating
In lancs they use something called a continuum of need. Professionals use it to target families who may need some extra support at certain points in their lives
However , they should have involved you in the process and kept you informed
There are certain triggers that will alert as. There something called a toxic trio. Mental health issues, drug and or alcohol misuse and domestic violence being the three. I don't know if the police have ever been called to your house for domestic arguments but they have a duty to report it to as if children are living in the house.
On a different note, I did speak toa social worker about a child whose clothes and belongings smelt of weed and ahecwasnt interested. She said if they investigated every parent who used weed they wouldn't have time to do anything else.
So it is unlikely that the ss involvement is purely down to the use of cannabis.

*ss not as stupid phone

Your neighbour doesn't have it in for you, they were well within their rights to report your DH for smoking weed outside their home. I wouldn't want some nobhead blowing weed stench into my house every evening.