to think a social worker is not needed here

[SoddingCupcakes]

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

I completely understand wanting all professionals to butt out of your life but shutting them out would raise red flags. The best way to get through this is to co-operate with them and show them there is no cause for concern. You don't have to answer questions on her about the condition of your house but be honest with yourself about whether it is an issue you need to address.

*here

Once again..I don't use/condone/wish cannabis to be legalised in the slightest.

I do think people are getting off on making the OP feel terrible/worried though.

I think the cannabis is treated as stated above - much like alcohol. Alcohol is perfectly legal, but if there's problems with use then social services can and should be involved. If parenting options are the drunk parent or the parent having MH issues (and they'll know about those, I'm not sure why you don't think they do) then there's a problem, even more if it is a common occurrence. Same thing with cannabis. It doesn't sound like it was a once and done thing - sounds like it was happening a lot. And while the house or the cannabis or the MH on their own might not be enough for social services to get involved, all three start start sending off alarm bells. Not to mention the fact that it obviously annoyed the neighbours, which is antisocial behaviour. So it all just starts to snowball.

I am sorry that you feel shaken about this. Its a very understandable reaction.

If you want to get SS out of your life I STRONGLY suggest you do the following.

Stop being defensive, and don't let pride get in the way of accepting help.

Work with the SW and not against him/her. They are not there to take your kids away. They have been told there are concerns and they are there to help.

Be truly honest with yourself.

Once you do these things you will hopefully be able to fully accept and understand why SS are involved and actually work towards sorting out the problems. If there are no problems, SS will close the case. But if there are problems, the sooner you are on board the sooner it will get sorted. Lying to police isnt a good start, and if you were even half as defensive with the outreach worker as you are being on here, then that won't help you.

I had SS involvement for 18months. If I had done all of the above it would never have went on that long. My parenting was never in question, but I had direct control over the situation and I refused to listen. My house was never that clean either, and it was NEVER once identified as a problem, so I fear that your house is worse than you think.

Also, schools wont necessarily tell you of any concerns, especially if they intend on referring you. If they refer you, and tell you about it, whats to stop you temporarily fixing or hiding the issues, and then SS won't get a true picture of the situation.

Social workers love mothers who are calm and co-operative.
1)Tidy and clean the house carefully. Ensure that it is looking good when they come, including obviously beds made with clean or almost clean bedding, some nice books and toys on display in the kids' room.
2) Be calm and helpful when the social workers come. Invite them into your home, offer them a cup of tea, sit them down in your nice clean lounge, answer their questions calmly and co-operatively. Don't complain about the referral, though you can be a bit surprised about it. Be polite and calm at all times. You are happy to receive any advice that the social workers may offer. Put your opposing views calmly, not argumentatively.
3)If your kids are with you, treat them in a caring way, without being put off by the social workers being there. Eg offer them a snack if it's snack time, and find them something to do. Show affection if the occasion arises, eg putting one of them on your lap. Make sure that they are clean and tidy and well dressed and with newly brushed hair and not liable to have a tantrum. Don't let the social workers panic you into ignoring the children.

Hanselsdad I think you are missing the point somewhat. This isn't about whether cannabis is viewed as serious or not by SW, they have already answered that question when the OP asked what she was reported for (drug use and home conditions) so they do take it seriously if it is one of the things they came to check on. They will not take the OPs word at face value if she has already said in the past that he has given up and yet neighbours have potentially recently reported him using it in their home, nor should they. Surely they wouldn't be doing their job if they didn't check a little further? Home conditions may not just be cleanliness, there could be whole host of additional issues going on that the children have talked about in school or possibily to their friends.

OP I think you would be very unwise to go down the 'what about MY rights and how dare you investigate me' route at to point. Get the issues sorted first, work with SWs to resolve all issues then deal with your own hurt feelings.

Heya, just my two pence here.

Social work are actually fantastic. I work with them because I have MH problems and in 2012 and April this year I had a couple break downs.

I'll hold my hands up and say that as much as I thought the house was fine, it wasn't, not really. It was fine to me because I had got used to living that way and I needed help and support. My SW is amazing, she's gone above and beyond to get me all of the help and support I need.

When she first came I was terrified that she was going to take my kids away but she assured me that she saw no reason to - the kids were healthy and happy, well looked after and raised right. I on the other hand was a crying nervous wreck who couldn't look after herself. With the SW help I'm now in a great place, my house is actually clean and tidy (if you disregard the kids toys), I'm no longer a nervous crying wreck and the past few months she's only popped in for a chat and to see how I'm doing (and most likely to make sure nothing is slipping too), but because I worked with her and took her advice and help, they're now looking at withdrawing.

Tbh them withdrawing scares me more than them being involved, I'm worried I won't cope without the support they give me. But I also know that they are not the evil family wrecking child snatching monsters most folk assume they are.

If all is well then the ss won't see a need to stay involved. I suggest you be honest with them, they seem to be able to tell when you're lying. You've nothing to worry about, honestly

I know many of the suggestions to OP are well meaning and coming form a good place, but they could also read as "how to get SS off your back instructions".

I know many of the suggestions to OP are well meaning and coming form a good place, but they could also read as "how to get SS off your back instructions".

Thats exactly what they are. Because when you finally do get SS off your back you will usually be in a much better place than when it all started. Because you have done what you need to.

I found the Family Rights Group website a very useful resource. The info there should help you to understand the process and the legal thresholds for various types of intervention. You can also phone them for advice if you need to.

God bless you!! I can't find the thresholds for intervention (specifically cleanliness). Which area of the site is it in? I've done a good search but can't find it.

They're not going to take the kids away on the facts you've told us, but butting out is unlikely as well.

So. I'm fucked until the kids are 18? I will always have my privacy invaded by random phonecalls that scare the shit out of me? This is what parenthood is about?

the parents responsible for the kids were either stoned (your DH)

He only used to do it when the DC were sleep, in the evening, and I was always around. I don't have any drugs or alcohol issues, never have.

Also, bearing in mind that on first contact you said you didn't know who was smoking cannabis, but now admit you did, they have proof you won't be honest about it

No, instead, why can't they look at it this way:

Police visit: I say I don't know anyone smoking cannabis.

I now have chance to talk to DH, so now I know it was him.

Outreach visit: Because I have spoken to DH I know he smoked it and have gotten him to quit.

Where does dishonesty come into it? Where can they see dishonesty in that?

And it won't be just about the kids. You've got MH issues - they want to make sure you are well also.

I'm an adult. I don't want anyone checking up on me. Surely I have a right to privacy for ME?

I'm getting more and more upset :( So basically, now I'm "known to social services" I'm fucking screwed. Why don't I just get the kids adopted now. It's the only way to get peace. Holy shit, I am a good parent. I can't believe this is happening. It's like I've stepped into the Matrix. I just want to be law-abiding and for that to mean I have privacy.

LiverpoolLou Thanks for sharing. It sounds like a postcode lottery.

cannabis use in a household where there have been MH issues and the house "needed a blitz". Taken together, those three factors would be a cause for concern.

Is it enough for the DC to be taken away? Basically, if they aren't going to take the DC away, what CAN they do?

I feel so sad. I can't even cry properly because the neighbours will hear (the very people who did this). I feel like I'm choking. So I am now "known to social services" and will have to declare this for the rest of my life? Everytime I visit A&E with one of the kids, everytime a school teacher has a concern. It's like I've slipped into the Matrix and I can't fucking escape.

Sw have strict deadlines to work to for an initial assessment so they can not leave a referral for a month before checking into things. It is entirely possible that someone else has reported you to social services for example one of your neighbours or even more than one.

The SW actually said it was the outreach worker who referred. Are you saying she lied?

support for you in handling your mh better

I was doing this excellent with GP guidance. I don't need a SW to help me on that front. A call to the GP would have confirmed that.

OP, can you answer the above questions re your house?

Which Qs?

I reported my own sister 9 months ago, her house was disgusting, wouldn't accept help and the schools has already made referrals due to the girls appearance and hygiene. Long story short, my sisters house is still boggin, but the girls have a mattress and soap to wash with, and clean clothes and food on the table. Unfortunately we don't speak any longer.

That sounds terrible. My home is nothing like that.

They ARE how to get SS off your back instructions! But what's wrong with that? I don't see any advice on here about getting them off your back through lying or deceit. Just to be welcoming, make a cup of tea and listen to what they have to say. And then do what they tell you. What's the problem in that??.

I know many of the suggestions to OP are well meaning and coming form a good place, but they could also read as "how to get SS off your back instructions".

I thought the same but didn't want to say. I didn't clean my house and put on a calm front for their arrival. I thought they'd see straight through it and it would make them distrustful. I was open and honest and they saw me and my home warts and all. They saw the reality of how things were. They knew what I was presenting them with was the truth. And with that they closed the file and went away.

Known to social services isn't something you have to declare to anyone at any time. So don't worry about that.

As for what can they do, loads! It isn't just "either we take the kids or fuck off". That would be utterly ridiculous. See above posts for examples of very good, positive things SS can do. There's loads they can do in terms of help, referrals, and sometimes just getting people to get their act together and stop smoking a bunch of cannabis and annoying the crap out of the neighbours and be a better parent.

And in terms of the privacy, well, you do get people checking up on you even without MH issues. Doctors, police (if they have cause), and so on. You're freaking out on here despite plenty of people offering sound advice and throwing up your hands and declaring you should have them adopted. If you start reflecting that onto the kids, that's not good. The issues that SS are investigating affect your kids. It isn't as though SS are going to start altering your meds, etc, but if there are a combination of issues which could harm your kids well being, then yes, they're going to investigate. All you seem concerned about is finding some king of checklist about whether your house is clean enough. I think you need to look a bit deeper here.

OP you need to calm down. I know it feels big and scary now but it isn't.

As I said I had SS involvement for 18 months when DD1 was around a year old. She is now nearly 6.

The ONLY time I have ever had to declare previous SS involvement was at my booking interview when I was pregnant with my second child. I explained how long I had been discharged for. The MW gave the hospital SW a call to double check if she needed to do anything, and she didn't.

I never heard about it again. Honestly, this is not forever.

But, and I say this kindly, your attitude towards it is very much like mine was at the start, and that was because I did have things to hide and there were problems I couldn't bring myself to admit to. I fear you are the same.

And they're not going to interpret it the way you hope about lying to the police. You admitted on here you lied to them, you knew full well your husband was doing it, and they're not going to believe that as your husband stood outside for all the neighbours to know and complain about, his wife was inside convinced that he was upstairs having a cup of tea. And since you both knew that you lied to the police, I suspect either one or both of you admitted it indirectly if not directly when social services talked to you the first time.

The SW actually said it was the outreach worker who referred. Are you saying she lied?

If you have been told that the referral was made by the outreach worker then that is what happened however it does then beg the question as to why has the out reach worker made the referral now? Did you undertake to go on any parenting courses and not followed it through, did your husband? The timings are ringing alarm bells that you are missing information either because you are dismissing something or because something has happened that you don't know about. Meet the sw with an open mind don't instantly dismiss anything they say.

OP having been through it myself I know this is a pointless thing to say but really, try not to worry. If you're anything like me you'll be imagining worse case scenarios and seeing your babies being torn away from you. You won't be able to think straight because of the pain of feeling like your heart is being ripped out.

Fact is, if ss were worried enough to be considering removing your child they would not be taking a month to respond to the referral. They'd be on your doorstep immediately with court order in hand. So they'll either come round, talk to you, see all is fine and go on their way. Or they'll have some concerns which they will raise with you and they'll then keep an eye on things to see if you're dealing with them.

I think the time to complain is after the situation has been resolved and social services have no further concerns. If you complain now-you may raise a concern that you could be obstructive/secretive/manipulative, all of which social services hate.

Thank you. That's excellent advice. When will I know the case is closed?

After that had happened, I got the social worker to write a letter stating that there were no child protection concerns. I got that letter placed on my own and my DS's medical records...

Great idea!

Then I wrote to the hospital who had made the referral and made a complaint.

What happened to your complaint? PM me if you don't want to say publicly.

Has anybody seen or spoken to your dcs?

Not that I'm aware of. They are welcome to though.

Altinkum none of those stories are relevant to my case. DH used to smoke cannabis outside once kids were in bed. He no longer smokes it at all.

When will I know the case is closed?

They told me they would recommend closing the case about 5 minutes after arriving. I then got a phone call the following day to confirm that it had been closed.

With regards to complaining, can I just say that sometimes it's better to just let things go.