to think a social worker is not needed here

[SoddingCupcakes]

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

Thanks for sharing your experience jammytoast. Was there a genuine reason for a SW to be involved in your case?

Don't let the social workers panic you into ignoring the children.

That's very good advice. 2yr old DS will be there.

there could be whole host of additional issues going on that the children have talked about in school or possibily to their friends

There is literally nothing concerning for the DC to talk about. I'm a bit offended by your suggestion.

It was fine to me because I had got used to living that way and I needed help and support

Could you explain the ways it was not fine?

but they could also read as "how to get SS off your back instructions".

What's wrong with that?

Known to social services isn't something you have to declare to anyone at any time

Are you sure? When DD had a fever a year ago I took her to A&E and they say they ask all parents "Are you know to SS" when they book you into A&E.

All you seem concerned about is finding some king of checklist about whether your house is clean enough. I think you need to look a bit deeper here.

I am GENUINELY confused why SS are visiting. 100% confused.

OP: I would start with the factsheets.

this one explains the process for "Children in need"

this one gives a run down on Child Protection including the legal criteria for removal.

I don't know whether this will be helpful to you. I'm the kind of person who likes to know (in infuriating geeky detail) the legal basis for everything that happens to me. So I found it reassuring to be informed.

There is a risk that another person might find all the info a bit overwhelming and scary though- it really depends on your personality.

I think the main take home message is to cooperate, be open and stay calm. You won't go too far wrong with that.

I've never been asked if we are known to SS, and as is standard with toddlers we have had a couple runs to A&E. I've never heard anyone being asked it. It seems an odd question, mostly because people may well lie about it in that kind of setting, plus if there are concerns it might be on file.

because I did have things to hide

All I have to hide is some damp in the bathroom. Literally.

I just want to get on with my life. I start a new full-time job in two weeks (after 4 years as a SAHM). It's a stressful/exciting/busy time for me and SW was the last thing I needed.

I suspect either one or both of you admitted it indirectly if not directly when social services talked to you the first time.

Do you mean the outreach worker? We've never seen a SW before. Tomorrow will be the 1st time.

Basically DH is not using cannabis. Hasn't for months. Can they issue a drugs test? There's no other way to prove our innocence.

Did you undertake to go on any parenting courses and not followed it through, did your husband?

No and no.

The timings are ringing alarm bells that you are missing information either because you are dismissing something or because something has happened that you don't know about.

It's very bizarre. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. My DC are healthy in all ways so even if someone has spoken to one of them, it can't be that.

Fact is, if ss were worried enough to be considering removing your child they would not be taking a month to respond to the referral.

Someone up thread said that SS must respond to a referral within 24 hours. Now I'm even more confused.

With regards to complaining, can I just say that sometimes it's better to just let things go.

But I feel abused by all these professionals - their neglect at not keeping me in the loop, at me receiving random visits and phone calls. And I will be scared for the rest of my time as a parent, scared that whenever the phone rings it's going to be a SW.

I'd tell them you understand why they need to investigate, that you will cooperate fully, but that you are confused as to exactly why they need to be involved.

If your tone or actions put their backs up, then you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face, and they will be around for longer as your attitude will be confirming their need to be involved.

Be calm , honest and cooperative. If all is as you say, they won't be involved for long.

Yes there was a genuine reason for their involvement. They were very very concerned about a situation and my child was placed on the at risk register. I can now see how close I came to losing her, even though I was a good parent. My parenting was often praised, and I have it in writing in the notes that I was a good parent. But that situation was dangerous and I can see that now.

At the time though, I would have told you they were interfering dickheads with too much time on their hands. I had similar feelings that it was my life, my house, I was an adult, it was up to me etc etc. Honestly, I went through it all. I lied to them, I was obstructive and argumentative. And where did it get me? 18 months of case conferences and unannounced visits and her being on the register.

As soon as I listened, changed what they were telling me to, and co operated with them it all went away. It really was like a switch flipped. Technically it was another 6 months before the case closed, because they had to be sure. But in that time the unannounced visits stopped and I didn't see a SW at all.

So please just try to calm down. Maybe your house isn't that clean and maybe you have just got used to it, who knows, I can't tell you. But it wouldn't be the end of the world if they said "your house is messy" would it? That isn't necessarily a reflection of you, it just means it needs a clean uo and kept up. It wouldn't be the end of the world if they said that the cannabis use was a worry, because your DH can stay off it now. Work with them. I have depression and honestly if a SW walked into my house I would take their arm off for a bit of support.

Sorry to jump in here, but i wonder why you are scared of social workers and social services. They are not going to walk in and remove your children. They may offer you some help or ask you what support you feel you need. They may involve other people who can help. Their focus will be on helping you, not removing the children.

At a minimum they are just going to check that all is ok. You are adamant that everything is fine, so they will no doubt see this. If everything is ok, then there is nothing to be scared of. Being known to social services is just a fact, not a life sentence. It just means that there was contact with SS, not the degree of involvement or anything like that.

But I feel abused by all these professionals - their neglect at not keeping me in the loop, at me receiving random visits and phone calls. And I will be scared for the rest of my time as a parent, scared that whenever the phone rings it's going to be a SW.

You can tell them that but be very careful how you say it. See above.

The one thing that struck me is that your account of your DH's cannabis use and your knowledge of it changed between your first post and your final post. You want social workers to believe a version that isn't true. They may have picked up on the discrepancy as a concern, making them suspect that other things you said me not be true.

I'd tell them you understand why they need to investigate, that you will cooperate fully, but that you are confused as to exactly why they need to be involved.

Thanks. I'll word it like that.

But that situation was dangerous and I can see that now.

Did it involve someone elses actions? Or were you on drugs?

It wouldn't be the end of the world if they said that the cannabis use was a worry, because your DH can stay off it now

How can we prove that he's clean?

But I feel abused by all these professionals - their neglect at not keeping me in the loop, at me receiving random visits and phone calls.

You need to understand that the SWs are acting in the interests of your children, not you. You do not need to be kept in the loop because in some cases it would hinder the investigation to tell the parents certain things.

And I will be scared for the rest of my time as a parent, scared that whenever the phone rings it's going to be a SW.

That is because you are thinking worst case scenarios. SS are involved in thousands of families and we only hear the few stories that the media like to use to scaremonger. We don't hear about the other ones.

No drugs. It was someone else's actions.

I've only skim read most of the thread, but it sounds like you're getting a tough ride on here to me.

Firstly - try not to panic. I KNOW that's easier said than done when you have SS involvement hanging over you. I have been there and it's not nice.

However - they really do want to help rather than snatch children away. They will try their very level best to keep families together - families in much more dire situations than yours. From the information you've given I can't see any reason for them to have concerns but from their point if view if there have been several alarm bells or concerns from different areas, they have to investigate. You must understand this. But stay calm, co-operate and they will soon see the real situation.

There was a website set up last year for parents in your position because the worry is that parents (understandably) tend to fear SS and their powers (even if it is a judge - the actual legal stuff doesn't feel so important as the fact that they are there when you're in the situation.) The problem here is that the biggest fear you ever have as a parent is for your children to be taken away from you. Whether by accident, injury, illness, or other people. It's just a base instinct to protect them. That can make irrational or unhelpful courses of action seem like the best thing to do. It's very difficult trying to explain how that fear feels like to somebody who has never been within a glimpse of it happening, but IME it feels EXACTLY like watching your child have a near miss of an accident, which I think every parent experiences at some point. You know that shaky horrible sick feeling afterwards where you think "We could have lost him/her... what if..." but the difference is you have that panic, fear of the "accident" happening all the time because all of the time you're aware that somebody is judging your actions and is going to report back to that judge who has the power to take your children away. No matter how unlikely somebody tells you it is the fear is always there. It's made even worse when there is little communication because if you don't know what they want you to do, how can you do it?

Anyway this is the website: www.childprotectionresource.org.uk/ Look through the different titles and categories at the top and the tags on the right hand side.

Actually when SS were involved with me they DID give me a checklist. Because my HV told me I needed to keep the house cleaner and I did (so I thought) and she came around and said sadly "Nothing has changed." I was shocked and asked for clarification but she just kept using these annoyingly vague phrases like "It's unsafe." "It's inappropriate." I don't have the checklist any more, but off the top of my head it was stuff like a smell as you walk into the house, lots of things and crumbs and stuff on the floor, dishes being left to pile up rather than being washed (this one surprised me because I didn't think it was an issue to wait until I needed something again before I washed it) - there were lots of items on the list and I can't remember all of them but they did give me the list. I wouldn't ask for it straight away, try talking to them and being honest and open with them first but don't be afraid to ask for information like this if you're finding that communication isn't clear.

At the end of the day, they are not there to judge your parenting or lifestyle unless it's actively harming the children, even in most cases they don't have any issue with drug use unless it's directly affecting the children - e.g. having a joint in the evening after they're in bed = probably not an issue for SS (maybe an issue for police if the drug in question is illegal) but driving under the influence, leaving drug paraphernalia where they can access it, neglecting them because of being stoned/high/whatever, being violent or aggressive as a consequence of drug use or withdrawal, etc = an issue for SS to raise concerns about. I'm not saying that I agree with this stance, but just giving an example. They are really not concerned with your views, beliefs, the way you live or what you do with your home. They are concerned with whether or not your children are at risk. So show them that they are not, and they will have no reason to remain in your lives. But if they offer help, then it might be worth taking it. Don't get defensive - they're just doing their job.

SolomanDaisy here is the current situation:

DH does not smoke cannabis. Has been clean for months.
The home is relatively clean (certainly not unhygienic).
The children are healthy.
My mental health (aside from being scared @ the SW phone call) is fine and dandy.

What else can I do? Someone up thread said "If you've got nothing to hide, they have nothing to find". I will just cling onto this. The only thing I'm scared about is the damp in the bathroom. What would SS do about that, anyone know?

I am extremely resentful of DH for his past behaviour and the fact that he has permanently tarnished our little family.

My initial post was a bit harsh but after reading your updates it seems as though you have genuinely turned things around at home. Which is great. All he visits and concern is based on what has happened, it seems as though since then and going forward everything is on track and the SW will see that.
Just be honest with them, they want to help you and your kids before even think of taking them away. You're starting work again, your mh is improving and all looks positive.
Don't be defensive with them op, look at it like this, there's someone else (SW) who is concerned about the well being of your children and that's a good thing. Hopefully it all works out.

"The only thing I'm scared about is the damp in the bathroom. What would SS do about that, anyone know?"

If you are renting they might be able to get the landlord to sort it out.

I doubt they will be worried about the damp in the bathroom. Are you renting or do you own the house? If there are other concerns or the damp was in a bedroom or something then they might be worried but in a bathroom it's fairly typical - we're in a damp country. If you own the house but don't have the money to sort it it's possible you could access a grant, if they thought it was such a big deal. I know somebody I know got a grant for a carpet because theirs had been damaged in a flood and they had a crawling baby.

SS definitely do not remove children for inadequate housing, if this even was considered inadequate which I'm sure it wouldn't be.

I don't think SS will have the slightest problem with your DH's past occasional cannabis use TBH. I think posters are being quite overzealous about this.

Yes it is a harmful drug and it is illegal but thousands of parents use it. SS are concerned with whether the children are at risk, not what you do generally as parents/people.

I think SS are doing their job they are following up concerns. I have seen this many times( work) and poor home conditions,drug use and MH can easily get out of hand and it's the poor little kiddies left suffering.
Take the support offered and use this as an opportunity to give yourselves a kick up the bum.

Don't worry about being judged for the damp in the bathroom. If anything is said about it you can give the sw a list of things you are planning on doing to remedy it or at least make it better, such as:

Contacting LL (assuming you're in rented accommodation)
Getting a dehumidifier
Getting the disposable dehumidifier pots that you can sit on the windowsill. (Out of reach of dc's)
Repainting with mould resistant paint. Ect, ect...

BertieBotts crumbs on the floor is a concern??

""Are you known to SS" is a standard question on pediatric A&E forms!

I had a booking in with the midwife last week, same question on their forms. Same question on primary school admittance forms.