to think a social worker is not needed here

[SoddingCupcakes]

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

Possibly crumbs on the floor would indicate a general lack of cleanliness...I constantly have crumbs on my floor (I have a 3 and 17yr old - both as bad as each other).
I just make sure I vacuum twice a day.

OP, I think you're getting a hard time on here aswell. To put things into perspective, My BIL was in prison for ABH on his first two children (before he met my Dsis). His ex (their Mother) met someone while he was inside who dealt drugs from their house and BIL's two boys lived there. They were placed at risk but never removed from the home.

Move on a few years and BIL married my DSis. They now have two boys of their own. He beat up my Dsis and she kicked him out for a year. He's now back in the family home. He's violent (but hasn't yet hit the children AFAIK) and my Dsis is disgustingly filthy. Her house is just gross (I wouldn't even use the loo). They are 'known to SS' but not once have they threatened to remove the DCs because they are well fed and my Dsis loves them. DNephew never misses school and never misses HV appointments etc so they are seen regularly.

So please please please try not to worry. You may want to try and find out which malicious neighbor has been reporting you though (not that you can do anything...). I note that you say that you don't want to cry in case they hear you, could it be that there is sometimes (just normal) shouting in your house and they may have heard that and reported it? Just a random point really though!

Good luck for tomorrow.

I understand what the situation, as you describe it, is now. But on your first meeting with the police you denied knowing who was smoking the cannabis, when you knew it was your DH as it was you who had told him to smoke outside. Then you later admitted it was your DH. And you want social workers to make a generous assumption that you hadn't known earlier, which isn't true. Can you see why that might raise concerns about your reliability?

The situation you describe is fine now, so just be honest and they will see that. I think you'd be wise to explain that your anxiety means you are very nervous about meeting with them, but have nothing to hide.

Not on its own but e.g. in conjunction with other things, if there are always crumbs, I mean obviously they don't expect you to hover around your children with a dustpan and brush every time they eat but it's part of an overall picture.

When the police came and asked you if your DH used cannabis, and you said no, was that a lie?

Sorry, when you said you didn't know, was that a lie?

I think some posters on here have no idea of the real situations SS deal with everyday.

OP your situation is the cream of the crop compared to some they deal with....families with extensive drug/alcohol problems, violence, abuse, neglect, disinterest, a complete lack of parenting skills.

Your DH smoking cannabis outside the house when DC are asleep? A messy dining table? Meh

This thread has really upset me (sorry op not your fault). .

I suffer from anxiety and depression (not in the past but now) and i have a thread running just now about the mess in my house.

Ok so dp doesn't smoke dope but looks like i tick all the other boxes as an unfit mother.

Even though my dd is a happy little thing and well cared for.

I honestly give up. I was feeling much better - tbh i just feel like giving up.

Does your neighbours have children OP? as they too might be worried that the smoking might have effected their children's health, and their own, no one wants to breath in second has cigarettes never mind illegal substances.

Yes two of them do. The plot is thickening...

My initial post was a bit harsh but after reading your updates it seems as though you have genuinely turned things around at home. Which is great. All he visits and concern is based on what has happened, it seems as though since then and going forward everything is on track and the SW will see that.

Thanks LadyLuck that means a lot :) DH and I have been working v.hard this past fortnight, keeping on top of the home. We even kept a weekly checklist of chores that we sign and date when we do each one. I will show this to the SW for what it's worth.

I'm actually surprised that the police came round about the cannabis. I used to live next door to people that were very well known to the police and used to smoke weed and deal on the pavement outside our houses.

I made reports to the police and council. Nothing happened.

LEM, everyone has been saying that the OP is not having major issues, and just needs to calmly cooperate and show SS this. Not that she is an unfit mother.

The OPs situation came about because of her DH doing something illegal which was (reasonably) reported by neighbours. Then there was concern over the state of her house. The MH issues aren't the focus here.

LEM - you are NOT a bad mother. Hang in there, it will get better I have come through it and it is possible to beat it. I have to go to work but I'll look later for your messy house thread :)

I think the problem really started when you told the police that DH didn't smoke cannabis.

I hope it goes well for you tomorrow.

Btw I hate how some SW judge the cleanliness of some homes.

Breakfast dishes are still here at tea time, we just haven't got the time in the morning. If SS came to my house at the moment then I'm sure they wouldn't be happy.

On the first page of the thread dontdrinkandfacebook says that depression is a factor that is a cause for concern for Ss. Nice to see that prejudice against those with mh issues is still rife.

Marijuana is still illegal. I am a SW and I work with clients all the time who smoke it in the house, in front of their kids, while they are the only caregiver, in the car while driving, with their kids to calm them down etc etc. Not all pot use is just a bit of pot use you see. SS doesn't know you and don't have a crystal ball to inform them about you. Its intrusive, but the best way to get a sense of things is to speak to you directly (and other collaterals) about the situation so there is a better understanding.

The best way forward is to be cooperative and calm IMO.

If you own the house but don't have the money to sort it it's possible you could access a grant, if they thought it was such a big deal.

Is this true? Because that's our precise situation.

Heya, what I meant by it was fine to me was - there was clutter everywhere. Not just kids toys but stuff like unfolded washing on the chair (even though it was clean it was still mess that wasn't put away), there was shoes laying about a mess at the door, I would leave the hoovering two or three days, beds not made, toilet cleaned once a week, crumbs and dishes from whatever meal we'd had recently (like very fast or lunch) still on the table and the washing had been piling up, kids rooms were a mess, my room had clothes laying in the laundry basket etc.

Nothing inherently dirty but it was a mess and I was struggling majorly to keep on top of things. Depression, anxiety and having a break down take the energy right out of you, and after a while I got used to it so stopped panicking that the house was always a mess as it seemed normal to me.

The social did offer me help cleaning up and once I got over my pride and everything got sorted I felt so much better. Not saying that your house is in the mess mine was, but just so you realise that really, the social aren't monsters. For the most part they don't like coming in to someone's house and intruding on their lives and if they can do anything to help they will. It's as much about helping you get a better quality of life as it is about making sure the kids are ok.

Of course it's entirely possible that they'll show up, chat with you for a bit then decide that they don't think you need any help. They'll leave and not disturb you again unless there's obvious glaring problems (like you being an emotional wreck in front of them, a house that's not clean, children dirty or in any danger etc)

I really don't think it's about breakfast dishes Piper

I don't think there is a social worker anywhere who doesn't have enough sense to see past breakfast dishes.

And yes you can help from the social work if you're having problems furnishing your place. Social work recently got me drawers for the kids and a second hand but in good condition sofa as my sofa was fecked after 6 years and two kids (it had originally been cream fabric, it turned out black and dirty). They'll help you in lots of ways :)

Forgive me if I'm wrong but it seems to me that this is the situation:

Neighbours had to put up with cannabis smoke coming in their windows. They got annoyed and reported your DH. The police came around, at which point you were evasive and uncooperative - you said you didn't know who was smoking cannabis when clearly you did. So you lied about illegal activity. There could have been a number of reasons for you lying - you are a user yourself, you grow cannabis and don't want it discovered, your DH is abusive and will blow his top if you tell the police he smokes. The police have no idea why you lied, so they refer you on and an outreach worker comes round. She knows you have MH issues, the house is a mess and you have lied to the police about drugs. Three things that on their own aren't particularly bad (although the lying is bad) but taken together are a problem. So SW are following up to understand why a parent is engaging in illegal activity in his house and having his mentally ill partner lie to the police about it. In their eyes, your family is in a bad place and you it's understandable why they see it that way.

Nice to see that prejudice against those with mh issues is still rife.

Its not prejudice. Its a fact that sometimes people with MH issues cannot cope with the demands of raising children. That cannot be ignored.

Children wouldn't be removed for the sole reason that their parent had MH issues. But when that is a factor in a bigger picture, it has to be included.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time LEM and that this thread has upset you. SS never once cared about the cleanliness of my house, and if this thread was true then SS would have a field day in my house now. It needs a good hoover and there is mess everywhere. But I know that it would have to be a million times worse than this before it was a concern.

Social services will be able to either give you details directly of any grants you can apply for to sort out the damp or refer on to a support worker to assist you with it. If minor enough and just a ventilation issue they may be able to provide you with a dehumidifier to sort it out.