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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email school about not letting my child say goodbye

185 replies

Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:14

My ds has just started school. He's not my first but is really hating school.
He has a lot if health problems and was actually in hospital for most of last week and still isn't 100%.
I took him to school this morning and he was crying, saying he didn't want to go in. We had made him a 'brave bracelet' to touch when he felt sad and I had planned to let his teachers know so they hopefully would let him keep it on throughout the day.
Anyway we were last to the door as it took a lot of effort to get him from the car to the school. His two teachers came out, literally manhandled him off me without a word and physically dragged him in.
I tried to tell them about the bracelet but they wouldn't let me speak. I didn't say goodbye to my son and he was screaming let me give my mummy a goodbye kiss.
A hug and a kiss has to be done every morning before I go to work and he gets quite upset if he doesn't get a one (I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he has some autistic traits in fact).
They just would not let him say goodbye and have his goodbye kiss. I know how hysterical he can get without saying goodbye and said to his teacher please let me say goodbye. She said no this is for the best and shut the door in my face.
I watched through the window as they had to take him into another room away from the other children still begging for a goodbye kiss from mummy.
Now I understand the need for tough no nonsense approach, especially when there are 42 in the class. I also understand we were late by a few mins and last in so teachers didn't have time for us.
However, am I unreasonable to think a 4 year old should be allowed ONE goodbye from mummy before being physically removed?
I'm literally in tears writing this and wondering whether to email the school asking them to let me say one goodbye before they drag him off?
Feeling very delicate so would appreciate fair but kind responses!

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 15/09/2014 09:19

Yes i think i would call them actuay. That was really badly handled and could lead to a recurring scene every morning. He clearly needed that quick comfort from you and it would probably have calmed him right down. I'm amazed sometimes at how 'one size fits all' some schools still are.

lougle · 15/09/2014 09:19

YANBU. In this situation it should be the priority to reassure the child.

icymaiden · 15/09/2014 09:20

well I think if it took 2 adults to peel him off you, to reunite for a hug and a kiss would have meant starting the process all over again.

DiaDuit · 15/09/2014 09:21

Although for future i would make sure to do kisses and goodbye before walking into school and perhaps make up a special wink or wave or thumbs up that you and he can do as he goes through the door for that final connect with you without having to physically touch you.

PandasRock · 15/09/2014 09:22

Yanbu. At all.

PicardyThird · 15/09/2014 09:24

YANBU.

He's 4? That means he doesn't legally have to be in school. I would be very, very seriously considering going back right now and getting him. Then very serious meeting with the teachers involved and the Head before he goes back.

What happened this morning is quite barbaric actually IMO.

Littledidsheknow · 15/09/2014 09:26

Your post made me cry, OP. sometimes children perform at separation, but are really fine after a few minutes of mummy being gone. Your son clearly was genuinely upset though, so this treatment seems harsh, especially when he's just been in hospital. Denying you the chance to speak was just rude. Personally I wouldn't email school, but go in earlier tomorrow and explain to teachers about the bracelet and the mummy kiss. Maybe phone soon though, to check he's OK?

OraProNobis · 15/09/2014 09:26

I absolutely agree with Picardy - I'd be going right back to get him. He's a baby still and poorly too - he needs his mum right now not the relative brutality of school.

textingdisaster · 15/09/2014 09:26

YANBU at all and I am Angry on your behalf. They sound insensitive and unprofessional. I remember my dcs' days in Early Years (they are now in years 4, 6 and 8) and things like being able to say goodbye properly in order to set them up for the day are very important. It would've taken less than half a minute for you to say goodbye to your son and explain about the bracelet and you would both have started your days feeling a lot happier. I think write an email as that will give you the opportunity to explain without being interrupted / having your opinions diminished.

redfiatyellowfiat · 15/09/2014 09:26

YANBU
That's awful

MrsWinnibago · 15/09/2014 09:28

OP it's disgusting. I would not only phone up but ask for a meeting re this. Although I see it might have made it worse if they'd have released him, they should have asked you what to do....or at the very least they should have allowed you in for five minutes.

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:28

I've just phoned and the teacher had apparently asked the school office to aske to come in early today to discuss strategies. So that's good I guess but I get the feeling they think I'm too soft. Although my daughter has been at that school for 2 years with no issues and I never go in.
Feel wretched.

OP posts:
Icantfindaname · 15/09/2014 09:29

YANBU. I would be very worried about my child stay in a school with this kind of attitude.

Ny yr3 son didn't get a goodbye kiss from me once and was upset, so the TA came to my DD classroom to find me so he could have his hug and kiss.

I would be very upset by this kind of attitude.

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 15/09/2014 09:29

fuming here. on what planet was that an informed, helpful way to ease him back to school to day.

I would go straight up there, do not let them bully you.

plus i'd be looking for another school tbh.

Jennifersrabbit · 15/09/2014 09:30

No. Poor you. I've had similar scenes with one very vulnerable DC with SEN and one pretty robust DC2 who generally loves school but had a wobble on starting. The protocol for both in reception is 'come on, give Mummy/Daddy a hug and kiss and off we go'. And yes, both had to be peeled off me and led in, but the hug and kiss was part of the deal.
If your little lad has been in hospital the past week then surely he will be feeling scared and vulnerable and need some additional gentle handling.
I think in your email I would be very polite, clear you don't wish to prolong the inevitable, and suggest you think while DC is distressed he would benefit from a clear routine ie hug and kiss, goodbye, allow teachers to lead him away.
Is there no way of speaking to the teachers other than by email, personally I'd prefer to sort this by a quick chat if possible.
Good luck!

KEGirlOnFire · 15/09/2014 09:31

Your OP has made me cry aswell, I'm not surprised you're upset!!! I know that they've probably 'seen it all before' and feel that they are doing the right thing but YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD. You could have helped improve the experience for him and how do they bloody think he will react tomorrow now??? He will be terrified about going in.

I would call them immediately and speak to the Head.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/09/2014 09:31

I'd be steaming angry, my DD was 4.1 when she started and suffered from separation anxiety, the school have been brilliant with her, when she was upset, they would take her hand and tell her all the things she could do that day, then they'd look back at me, reassure me that she was ok.

Now, shes 7.1 and she happily be dropped off inside the school gates and walk in herself.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/09/2014 09:32

Oh god op go back and get him and keep him back til January or something. He does not, I repeat not need to there he doesn't sound remotely ready and those teachers are not people you want near your ds if that's how they treat him..

Disgusting Sad

Jennifersrabbit · 15/09/2014 09:32

Sorry x post. Meeting sounds good. Id then go in and say you think DS needs a clear and consistent routine for handover and make sure a hug is included!

Cinnamon73 · 15/09/2014 09:34

YsoNBU that's just awful.

I'd raise it with the head teacher, that is not acceptable, not listening to you. I've had one child with separation anxiety and the routines we introduced helped him massively. And they were supported by the school. I was even told to stay outside the classroom with him until he was ready to go in.

I would go back and get him. How dare they treat him and you like that.

Minikievs · 15/09/2014 09:36

I have just dropped my DS off at school for his second week. Luckily he is happy to go but I am in tears reading your post and can only imagine how awful you must be feeling.
I do understand the "just get it over with, don't prolong it" attitude but this clearly doesn't fit with what your son needed this morning.
I would definitely email/ring, especially to explain about the bracelet-if they take it off him then he's only going to get more upset.
Big hugs x

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:37

Thank you ladies, what lovely supportive posts. I was expecting to be flamed. The attitude of the school is that dragging him off immediately is best, I know that isn't best for my son.
I'm writing this with tears streaming down my cheeks. I work 4 days a week so pulling out until Jan is not an option, unless he goes back to his nursery which he loved or he goes to the school in the next village that has 15 kids in the class.

OP posts:
Sunna · 15/09/2014 09:38

YANBU.

Try to be one of the first to get there in future then lateness and the other children all being already there won't be an issue. Maybe move the place the hug and kiss happen, so he can go into the school quickly.

LEMmingaround · 15/09/2014 09:39

Oh op that's awful. Had very similar with dd when she started school. I was distraught. Dp had his coat on ready to go and fetch her home. I insisted we leave her but it broke my heart.

It only happened the one time and she loves school now. So it didn't put her off but fuck me it nearly put me off.

It seems very harsh.

Lots of cuddles and praise for being a big boy when you pick him up. Maybe an after school treat.

Honestly i think 4 is too young to do this to our kids i really do. My dd had only just turned 4 when she started. :( :( she is 9 now and the big kiss and cuddle is a massive part of our morning. You must insist on being able to do that

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/09/2014 09:39

You can but ask. Nothing to loose. And put his name down at that other school for January. Nursery can perhaps work on helping to get him school ready whilst in a familiar setting with people he trusts