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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email school about not letting my child say goodbye

185 replies

Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:14

My ds has just started school. He's not my first but is really hating school.
He has a lot if health problems and was actually in hospital for most of last week and still isn't 100%.
I took him to school this morning and he was crying, saying he didn't want to go in. We had made him a 'brave bracelet' to touch when he felt sad and I had planned to let his teachers know so they hopefully would let him keep it on throughout the day.
Anyway we were last to the door as it took a lot of effort to get him from the car to the school. His two teachers came out, literally manhandled him off me without a word and physically dragged him in.
I tried to tell them about the bracelet but they wouldn't let me speak. I didn't say goodbye to my son and he was screaming let me give my mummy a goodbye kiss.
A hug and a kiss has to be done every morning before I go to work and he gets quite upset if he doesn't get a one (I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he has some autistic traits in fact).
They just would not let him say goodbye and have his goodbye kiss. I know how hysterical he can get without saying goodbye and said to his teacher please let me say goodbye. She said no this is for the best and shut the door in my face.
I watched through the window as they had to take him into another room away from the other children still begging for a goodbye kiss from mummy.
Now I understand the need for tough no nonsense approach, especially when there are 42 in the class. I also understand we were late by a few mins and last in so teachers didn't have time for us.
However, am I unreasonable to think a 4 year old should be allowed ONE goodbye from mummy before being physically removed?
I'm literally in tears writing this and wondering whether to email the school asking them to let me say one goodbye before they drag him off?
Feeling very delicate so would appreciate fair but kind responses!

OP posts:
bronya · 15/09/2014 12:48

What I saw, in over 10 years of teaching, was that the children who had to be physically carried/pulled inside, did not grow to like school and go in happily. They grew to accept that they had no choice, and to appear calm and well behaved during the school day, but they didn't grow to like it. It is so important that your DS has the right start, and that he feels secure and safe. I hope the school can reach an agreement with you that really works.

PersonOfInterest · 15/09/2014 12:49

Agree with MsAnthropic stronger and shorter letter.
And second captain a letter before and after the meeting may help to avoid any misunderstanding.

GoblinLittleOwl · 15/09/2014 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PersonOfInterest · 15/09/2014 13:09

It did cross my mind - is this in this country?

Goblin perhaps the OP was taken by surprise, then feared making matters worse. We've all been caught unawares before.

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 13:11

Well thanks for that Goblin. I can assure you that's what happened and I can assure there are 42 in the class.
Why would I make this up, believe me I wish I was!

OP posts:
bronya · 15/09/2014 13:12

GoblinLittleOwl I taught in the UK for a long time. I remember children who were carried into school in Rec/N and who'd sit on a chair screaming and crying for up to half an hour before they calmed down. Some of those then started up again half way through the day. We could hear them from the infant classrooms, loud enough that I'd have to put some music on so the children I was teaching could concentrate. The attitude was that they would settle, and they did, eventually. That said, if my own child reacts like that, we'll look at another school or consider homeschooling and starting later. It always upset me to hear it, however necessary it was deemed to be.

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 13:13

And yes it's in the uk. As I said one TA is counted as a qualified as she has an education degree. It's an academy if that makes a difference?
I know the numbers thing has been raised by other parents also.

OP posts:
TheIronGnome · 15/09/2014 13:14

That doesn't sound good op... I liked your email- very clear and concise!!

I'm going to be nitpicky, bare with me. You state the bracelet is to "make him brave"- it might be more helpful to tell him the bracelet is to remind him to be brave or remind him to be strong or remind him to think happy thoughts. That way, the feeling come from within him with the bracelet as a reminder rather than the bracelet "making him" brave.

It may sound a bit pendantic but it will help instill positive feelings coming from within, and being something he can control, rather than it being something external, like the bracelet (which can get lost or broken etc)

Good luck this afternoon, your email/notes are excellent.

Upandatem · 15/09/2014 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oldraver · 15/09/2014 13:17

If there are 42 in a class it sounds to me like they are not coping, hence the being hussled in

Georgethesecond · 15/09/2014 13:21

It would have been better if you hadn't been late, though. You need to acknowledge that in your meeting and stress that it will not happen again.

edamsavestheday · 15/09/2014 13:25

Being late doesn't justify manhandling a distressed child, though. It isn't an appropriate use of force covered by the DfE policy so legally it may well constitute assault.

Nishky · 15/09/2014 13:27

I agree with George- had you not been late it may have been easier to deal with.

As other posters have said - forty fecking two!!

My children's school had 15, a teacher and two teaching assistants in reception. I would be asking the head and the governors the wider question about how that class is to be managed Confused

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 13:36

What I think has been said by other. YADNBU. I was so saddened to read your OP, you're poor wee boy Sad

I'd send him to the smaller school if it were me. Sounds like he'd flourish there.

Best of luck to you both.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 13:36

Others*

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 13:45

The other school is full, I just rang. There are other schools I could look at but it's difficult with my dd already being at that school.
I just hope I can stand up for myself and get my point a cross this afternoon in the face of a teacher who has a set way of dealing with things.
I don't know if my son has special needs, likely not but I know the school don't do well with dealing with children who have. I know of a few who had to leave.

OP posts:
TheTravellingLemon · 15/09/2014 13:45

I don't have any children of school age, but this sounds absolutely barbaric to me. I don't care how late you are really, this is completely unacceptable. I would be bouncing between tears and rage.

With regards to your letter, I agree with the poster that said it's too soft and too long. You do not need to be apologetic. Your poor DS has had the upheaval of repeated hospital stays, he really needs his school to be a nurturing, secure place for him now. I would definitely be on the phone to the school to see how his morning has gone and considering going to get him.

FWIW, I agree with the posters telling you to look at the smaller, village school. You might even be able to get him straight in. My DSis changed schools after a week, albeit many years ago now, it was possible to move her quickly.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/09/2014 13:51

I'd have had mine out of there straight away, that is disgusting behaviour and ingrained behaviour like that isn't easy for one person to change.
Are there any other schools in your area, this sounds terrible.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/09/2014 14:01

YADNBU, OP, and ignore Goblin I'm sure you were anyway. This is totally unacceptable! Your email is fine, I think, maybe a bit long, and make sure you're not, in any way, sounding apologetic for anything. Smiling assassin is always a good approach I find. If you're worried about standing up for yourself in the meeting, you'd be perfectly within your rights to take a supportive friend along, just to have a friendly face there. I am also Shock at 42 in the class - are academies allowed to set their own rules effectively? Good luck Thanks

looneytune · 15/09/2014 14:18

OMG I'm in shock at reading this! Ds2 had to be peeled off me at school and we tried to make it quick for his sake but they only ever peeled him off when it was clear I was ready to and when we'd had a chance to say goodbye, I felt upset enough with that (and I LOVE the school) so would never have been able to handle what happened to your poor ds :( I've been a reg'd childminder for years now and so I know that often children are fine once their parents are gone, it's much easier to take control and distract them/comfort them once it's just us, HOWEVER in the situation you described I don't believe he would have been easily comforted. I'd also be worried that it's going to make him even more anxious about going back in. I'm utterly disgusted in these people and it sounds like they were stressed.

Also, the size of that class is madness and I'm sure not legal with just the one official teacher!

I'm not very good at knowing what points to raise in such a meeting but I wanted to offer hugs and wish you good luck for it Flowers

charleybarley · 15/09/2014 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PersonOfInterest · 15/09/2014 14:20

And I don't give a shiny shit if you were late. Doesn't excuse the behaviour of the staff at all!

Don't promise never to be late again. Everyone is late sometimes, it happens.

Although it may be more relaxed if you're in good time.

looneytune · 15/09/2014 14:21

Just to add my ds2 is now 6 and gone into Y2 and although really does love the school and is very happy once there, he has had the odd wobble and struggled to let me go a couple of times since going back. They are still at this age very good and help to encourage him in rather than drag him off!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2014 14:28

Yanbu at all, how awful. I would be seeing the HT, he is only 4 and just starting school, not allowing him to say goodbye is horrid, its school not a prison!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2014 14:35

Those things you highlighted at the bottom, a decent teacher and TA should be doing anyway, they should not have it spelt out to them.