To email school about not letting my child say goodbye

[Caravanoflove]

My ds has just started school. He's not my first but is really hating school.
He has a lot if health problems and was actually in hospital for most of last week and still isn't 100%.
I took him to school this morning and he was crying, saying he didn't want to go in. We had made him a 'brave bracelet' to touch when he felt sad and I had planned to let his teachers know so they hopefully would let him keep it on throughout the day.
Anyway we were last to the door as it took a lot of effort to get him from the car to the school. His two teachers came out, literally manhandled him off me without a word and physically dragged him in.
I tried to tell them about the bracelet but they wouldn't let me speak. I didn't say goodbye to my son and he was screaming let me give my mummy a goodbye kiss.
A hug and a kiss has to be done every morning before I go to work and he gets quite upset if he doesn't get a one (I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he has some autistic traits in fact).
They just would not let him say goodbye and have his goodbye kiss. I know how hysterical he can get without saying goodbye and said to his teacher please let me say goodbye. She said no this is for the best and shut the door in my face.
I watched through the window as they had to take him into another room away from the other children still begging for a goodbye kiss from mummy.
Now I understand the need for tough no nonsense approach, especially when there are 42 in the class. I also understand we were late by a few mins and last in so teachers didn't have time for us.
However, am I unreasonable to think a 4 year old should be allowed ONE goodbye from mummy before being physically removed?
I'm literally in tears writing this and wondering whether to email the school asking them to let me say one goodbye before they drag him off?
Feeling very delicate so would appreciate fair but kind responses!

I would send that email, it outlines what happened this morning and how you would like things to happen in future in the best interests of your child. Take a copy with you as meetings can be stressful and it may help you stay focused. Good luck for this afternoon.

I think you should take that message to the meeting and email afterwards. That was a horrible way to treat such a little boy, especially one who has been in hospital and is feeling vulnerable - and destructive, as it hardly builds his confidence. Tell them that and that you never expect your child to be treated so cruelly ever again.

YANBU, dragging him away without letting you say goodbye is barbaric.

Your email looks perfect, i hope it works. DD's friend used to be in charge of putting paper and colouring pencils on the tables in the mornings so he was busy when the other children were coming in, he'd be let in first, mum would give him a quick kiss then the TA would lead him off to do his job and his mum would say bye and barely get acknowledged by him because he was too busy doing his job, it worked quite well for him.

By the way (in case you've lost perspective) the reception teachers at my school are nothing like this.

Its in their interests that the children are secure and settled. They work really hard to get the new children settled in.

I've seen tears, and the odd parent chasing a child across the playground but nothing ever, anything like what you've described. In fact nothing physical at all. I presume they would do physical if necessary but its never been the best option? Or perhaps they reserve physical restraint for a child who is endangering himself or others.

I think you should take it with you so that you can refer to it ,if it makes you feel more comfortable give the teacher a copy to read before the meeting. Just out of interest would your son go into school if his sibling walked in with him?

I think your email sounds perfect, OP. It sounds like the system currently in place is awful and is very rushed. I hope you get things sorted and that tomorrow's drop off is far more pleasant and less traumatic for you both!

It's a good letter, but way, way too long and way too soft.

I would say:

What happened this morning was completely unacceptable and it must not be allowed to happen again. I would like to know what steps you'll be taking to address this issue.

This is how mornings need to work: list of things.

If there are any individual points on there which will cause genuine disruption, then do let me know.

Regards etc etc
-

Regardless of what you write, I'd cut it to at least 25%

I'd also expect an apology to be made to my son. I taught my son how to say sorry by apologising to him whenever I needed to, I'd expect nothing less from any other adult but YMMV

Good luck!!

stick to your guns OP.

My children (currently) attend a school that takes this approach and it has been harmful.

I had to ask the Deputy Head to let go of my Y3 Dd last week.
She was having a big wobble (2 new teachers, neither very friendly) and he just came out and grabbed her wrists and started pulling her forcibly off me through the double doors. He is 6ft, was in a dark suit, and was new to the school - she had never met him - she went from being upset to being terrified!

I saw the Head physically carrying a screaming P4 in last year.
Made me feel shakey just to see it.

This is not the way to reassure nervous children and the fact your little un is only 4 for goodness sake, and has just been in hospital.... words fail me.

Take your letter above along to the meeting and send a version of it after the meeting, to allow modifications if needed afterwards.

Good luck!

I tend to go into battle with great politeness and sweet reason. With any luck when something has gone wrong people will also be polite and reasonable, and keen to work together to resolve things.

If they don't, then it's always possible to get tougher - and escalate matters - at a later stage.

This was really sad to read, OP. I haven't read all the replies, but I'd second anyone who said that it might be worthwhile sending him to the smaller school in the next village, if it is practical for you and your other DC. Small class sizes are almost always a good thing for any child. I also liked the suggestion of an additional 'wink' or similar just before heading through the door for reassurance.

Agree with MsAnthropic that your letter is too long and too soft. I would certainly not be giving them written permission to manhandle my child (as you do in your letter). I'd be telling them not to touch him.

Sorry you've had such an awful experience. Depending on how this meeting goes and what you think of the teachers (and they sound barbaric to me) I'd be thinking about putting him in nursery for the term and checking out the village school with a view to starting there in January.

I agree send something shorter in. "I was very upset by what happened this morning. I want smooth transition to school for DS (who is a sensitive child). I would like meeting to discuss."

My DS has his first morning at school today. We were allowed to go into the classroom to show them where everything is and then take as much time to say goodbye as required. No children were upset because it was handled in a lovely relaxed. The way you and your DS were treated is appalling.

I just can't get over the 42 in a class.

That would be totally overwhelming for any sensitive child but a 4 year old?

Also, I would definitely put in your email that you'd like to be provided with the school's policy on the use of force - which should form part of their behaviour policy.

And mindreader I'd also be asking your children's school for the same.

Have a read of Use of Reasonable Force by the DoE

When can reasonable force be used?

• Reasonable force can be used to prevent pupils from hurting themselves or others, from damaging property, or from causing disorder.
• In a school, force is used for two main purposes – to control pupils or to restrain them.
• The decision on whether or not to physically intervene is down to the

professional judgement of the staff member concerned and should always depend on the individual circumstances.

• The following list is not exhaustive but provides some examples of situations where reasonable force can and cannot be used.

Schools can use reasonable force to:

• remove disruptive children from the classroom where they have refused to follow an instruction to do so;
• prevent a pupil behaving in a way that disrupts a school event or a school trip or visit;
• prevent a pupil leaving the classroom where allowing the pupil to leave would risk their safety or lead to behaviour that disrupts the behaviour of others;
• prevent a pupil from attacking a member of staff or another pupil, or to stop a fight in the playground; and
• restrain a pupil at risk of harming themselves through physical outbursts.

Schools cannot:

• use force as a punishment – it is always unlawful to use force as a punishment.

Firstly, let me say I hate the prescriptive nature of schools, my boys are HE. However, I can see both sides here OP. It sounds as if you were very (understandably) anxious and distressed about leaving your son after his recent bout of ill health. So perhaps your anxiety was feeding into his and escalating the upset. As mums we can't always see this and sometimes the outside observer can, so may have been acting so as to help both you and your son to get out of the cycle of upset.

Secondly, I think the school are using their experiences to make the transition more straight forward and sometimes stringing out the goodbyes can make it more traumatic, for other children including your son. Use your non emotional adult perspective a sec, if your mum just waves you through the door with a quick kiss and and a squeeze, you are more likely to see school as no big deal right? If however, she hugs and kisses you like she'll never see you again, you are more likely to see it as a worrying, frightening experience and so your fear is validated. Try and remember that your son and you are reacting normally to change. My boys go to several activities a week without us and are HE by Grandpa, so get separation and they cry every time.

Does your son have a SENco at all? Maybe talk to them and see if you can do staggered leaving or something or earlier collection for the first few weeks.

Anyway, be kind to yourself have and and give him a big kiss later, YANBU!

OP I have a similar issue with ds. Teacher was in a hurry and just wanted ds in asap, she just grabbed his arm and pulled him inside the classroom with a sharp 'sit down now' (We weren't late btw but yes ds did struggle to go into the class. I'm wondering why ).

That day they did an assembly with parents and ds went on the stage looking miserable and didn't open his mouth the whole time. At the end of it, we had the opportunity to come and 'congratulate' the dcs so I went to give ds a cuddle and it took him a good 5~10mins to relax again. I swore that I would never let that to happen again!

Unfortunately, in my case, this was a sign of a more general attitude in the school and I ended up changing school.

What I learnt is that you will be better sending an email/letter to HT before and after the meeting. The first one to set the problem out, the second to establish and have in writing what has been agreed.

I wouldn't propose any solutions in your letter, nor would I give the HT some ammunitions re your ds behaviour (he has separation anxiety issues due to frequent trips to hospital, therefore it's 'his' fault, not the teacher). I would state very clearly what has happened (your ds screaming for a good bye kiss that he didn't had, him being taken away from you by force) and state just as clearly the guidelines for FY re dealing with children. I'm sure that taking the child from the parents by force isn't in them!
Say that you want to have a chat regarding this unacceptable behaviour and that you want to find a way to support the teacher and your ds to settle in a way that is appropriate for your ds.
Explain that you actually had thought about some way to help him (the bracelet) but that, unfortunately, you didn't get the opportunity to talk to the teacher about it.

Take some notes during the meeting. Don't let the HT railroad you into doing something you don't want. Then when you've had the meeting with the HT (I would expect the teacher to be present too tbh), send an email again detailing the agreement.

With a bit of luck, your HT will be easier to handle than mine who thought that being aggressive was the best defence strategy. She also looked shocked when I took a pen and paper to take notes. 'But you are not going to write what I'm saying!' Err actually yes. That's what you do in meetings.'

And YY do NOT agree to him being taken away by force. In any shape or form.

Also I know that my ds has never cried in the class. It doesn't mean he has been affected by such crap behaviour from the teacher. It took years for him to be less 'weary' to go to school. But he knew he had to go school so tried to get on with it the best he could.
Stopping crying quickly after the parent has gone, doesn't always mean that the child actually had no issue with school and was playing up.

I'm also [schock] at the idea that it has to be the mum who is anxious because her dc has been to hospital quite a bit recently. Clearly for the child, to be in hospital, sleeping there, maybe wo a parent. Spending quite a bit of time on his own too? And some procedures that could have been anxiety provoking and not very nice. That can't be anxiety creating for the child. Of course not. It was a walk in the park. It HAS to be the mum who is over anxious....

I can't believe they wouldn't let him say goodbye. My son is nearly 6 and requires 3 hugs before he lines up. He then even still looks for me from the line. He is independent and doesn't bother with me any other time of the day but this has just become routine and is vital for him. It gives him reassurance (and me!) That he will be OK for rest of the day. I would certainly complain about nt being left to say goodbye however I do think the teachers have to use some force with certain children to get them inm. I have seen this in my sons playground where one child basically bolted taking the teachers arm with him so teacher had to use force to get him back. On the other hand a little girl cries every morning but TA holds her hand and she is fine. Your son should have got this option and they should have common courtesy to speak to you and your son. Best of luck with your meeting.

YANBU

This behaviour was appalling! I would be making a complaint, as that sounds like excessive and unreasonable force.

Your email sounds fine, I would probably hold off until after to send it, as I would want to hear what they had to say first.

I would suggest you start to keep a diary, recording what you request from school, what they promise with dates, and other interactions.

My eldest is the only one who had an issue especially with handover, and it was partly learnt as children who made a fuss got more attention at nursery. We overcame this by a TA meeting him, and distracting him with a task. We also used to hand over outside the classroom as it made things easier.
Making a fuss after a few days off is not unusual, it is quite traumatic to go back when you have missed some time. they should be reassuring him, not making it more traumatic.

I have known children who still needed to be taken into school in year 2. They seem pretty confident now (in their teens).
One size does not fit all children.

I'd certainly expect the teachers to be a lot more understanding with a little boy who's been in hospital.

And I'd (maybe another time) query the class size too. It can't be right. The only thing I know is similar is that at one school the reception and nursery class share a 'hall' with no obvious room divider, so there's about 60 kids in the one room. I don't know what their teacher ratio is but the sound in there is horrendous. I visited once and decided my son would never go there.

YANBU at all.

OP, my DD is 6yo and I have trouble leaving her at school in the morning. We now have an arrangement with the teacher whereby she "helps" the teacher with something every morning, so that she is distracted and I can leave, but we always have to keep having "one last hug". She doesn't want to let me go, but is quite happy once the teacher has her.

In preschool aged 3, they did have to physically take her off me one morning and it was horrible. The teacher physically restrained her while I walked away crying. It is a horrible feeling.

I would take the email with you as a reminder of what you want to say, make notes on it, then email afterwards, a shorter version to confirm the points that were made.

I think that you are within your rights to be allowed to say goodbye to your child.

I have tried saying goodbye to DD at the outside door, but then she wont go into the classroom, so I have to take her into the classroom before I can leave her and even then I can't leave if the teacher is not there.

You have to do what you need to do, in order to get your DS to be happy to be dropped off at school, but you do need to have the school on board with it.

I am shocked that schools do this. I didn't think teachers were allowed to physically manhandle children. I would seriously consider removing your child from the school, it doesn't sound like they are a good fit, especially if he does have autistic traits as their aggressive, inflexible approach indicates they won't be supportive. At 4 he doesn't legally have to be in school and anyway there are alternatives, like homeschooling or finding a more suitable school setting.

Agree, shorten the email and make it tougher. You're not asking for favours, you are asking for reasonable behaviour.
Please make absolutely clear that they will not forcefully separate your son from you ever again.
I'd also tell your son it was out of order to drag him away without a goodbye and that it isn't happening again.
If they try, take him home again.
He needs to feel secure to be happy at school.

That's absolutely awful. I'd pull him out. He can definitely go back to nursery until the term after his fifth birthday if they have a place. Perhaps the smaller school would be a better fit for him? I definitely wouldn't be happy to leave him somewhere where his needs are ignored and you are not listened to. You are totally not being unreasonable.