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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email school about not letting my child say goodbye

185 replies

Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:14

My ds has just started school. He's not my first but is really hating school.
He has a lot if health problems and was actually in hospital for most of last week and still isn't 100%.
I took him to school this morning and he was crying, saying he didn't want to go in. We had made him a 'brave bracelet' to touch when he felt sad and I had planned to let his teachers know so they hopefully would let him keep it on throughout the day.
Anyway we were last to the door as it took a lot of effort to get him from the car to the school. His two teachers came out, literally manhandled him off me without a word and physically dragged him in.
I tried to tell them about the bracelet but they wouldn't let me speak. I didn't say goodbye to my son and he was screaming let me give my mummy a goodbye kiss.
A hug and a kiss has to be done every morning before I go to work and he gets quite upset if he doesn't get a one (I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he has some autistic traits in fact).
They just would not let him say goodbye and have his goodbye kiss. I know how hysterical he can get without saying goodbye and said to his teacher please let me say goodbye. She said no this is for the best and shut the door in my face.
I watched through the window as they had to take him into another room away from the other children still begging for a goodbye kiss from mummy.
Now I understand the need for tough no nonsense approach, especially when there are 42 in the class. I also understand we were late by a few mins and last in so teachers didn't have time for us.
However, am I unreasonable to think a 4 year old should be allowed ONE goodbye from mummy before being physically removed?
I'm literally in tears writing this and wondering whether to email the school asking them to let me say one goodbye before they drag him off?
Feeling very delicate so would appreciate fair but kind responses!

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 15/09/2014 17:29

I hope tomorrow goes better for you both OP. Today has been an emotionality challenging day for you I'm sure so, do take some time out for yourself to relax this evening, with a bubble bath for instance. Tomorrow morning will go smoother if you've managed to let go of some of the emotions of today and have had a really deep sleep.

MsAnthropic · 15/09/2014 17:40

Well done and good luck for tomorrow.

miaowmix · 15/09/2014 17:47

The 42 in a class is definitely not legal so I'm surprised you haven't raised that also?

snozzlemaid · 15/09/2014 17:52

Fingers crossed that things at school improve for you. But just in case they don't and you consider sending him back to nursery until he's a bit older, did you know you can get the 15 hours a week nursery funding still. It would only stop when he starts school or the term after he becomes 5.

Nishky · 15/09/2014 17:58

How was he when you picked him up from school? ( although I understand if you don't want to answer that)

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 17:59

Good luck for tomorrow.

Maisyblue · 15/09/2014 18:16

YADNBU......I remember my youngest daughters first day at school, she was distraught at leaving me and crying uncontrollably. The teacher and the assistants did nothing to try and placate her, the teachers time was taken up by one or two mums monopolising her. Maybe what I did was wrong but I couldn't bear to see my baby so upset. I scooped her up and brought her home. The next day I told them why I'd done it, she was still unhappy but she was given a bit of coaxing and made a bit of fuss of, it made all the difference.

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 18:32

Well I feel worn out emotionally! He seemed ok coming out of school but is adamant he isn't going back tomorrow. One of the boys in his class who lives near us has been round to play which hopefully will help tomorrow.
We've also draw a now and next board at my SIL's (a head teacher) suggestion, so showing him in picture steps exactly what will happen in the morning.
I'm at work tomorrow until 8pm so poor dh will have to deal with it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 18:35

Maisy- I wish I'd done that. Good for you

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2014 18:37

My dd who has ASD, had a now and next board at her school.

naty1 · 15/09/2014 19:28

Now worried that academies are cheating the class size rules.
Wondering if this us how they balance budgets.
Surely 30 is the max in a class. Its not so much that they have 2 teachers (1 techically a TA ) as all the noise and distraction of so many in 1 room.

How big is DDs class?

I would think all children in the school should get a similar amount of attention when they are in reception so if they used to have classes of 30 and now 42.

I would not have been worried about the manhandling or the goodbye so much as they ensured he wasnt too wound up and they helped him calm down.. Though cant imagine anything so important this was necessary in first weeks at school.

Littlefish · 15/09/2014 19:40

There is a qualified teacher, a TA and another adult with a degree in education, for 42 children. Their ratios are entirely legal. With just the teacher and the adult with the education degree, they could actually have 60 children.

The ratios they are working to are actually far more than they need to legally have.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 15/09/2014 20:01

Only if the adult with the education degree is being employed as a teacher. The TA does't count at all. If the other adult with the education degree is employed as a TA, she does't count either.

Being an academy, whilst allowing you to employ adults as teachers without QTS doesn't allow you to employ TAs instead of teachers. Otherwise they could well employ no teachers throughout the school and just run it on TAs.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 15/09/2014 20:11

naty1 it works the same in academies and maintained. Some schools will split 45 into 2 classes of 22/23, some will have an FSU with all 45 in 1 room with 2 teachers. Some will have 30 reception and some nursery together with 2 teachers and a number of TAs/nursery nurses.

Usually the space has been created from what were two classrooms and an outdoor area and will be split into different areas, with spaces for different groups to meet with their key workers/teachers.

MollyBdenum · 15/09/2014 20:59

Yes - my children's school has an excellent Early Years Unit with 45 full-time reception children plus part-time preschool children. They have 2 teachers and 3 TAs at all times. For most of the day the children have free access to 2 classrooms, a cloakroom, lavatories and early years playground.

It is a system which can work very well indeed, if done properly.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/09/2014 08:15

Hope it all goes well.

frostyfingers · 16/09/2014 10:08

I hope things were better this morning. One thought that might help - could he meet up on the way to school or even at the gate with a friend so they go in together? It might distract him a little and make him feel less alone.

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 17/09/2014 09:29

thanks Frosty, good idea.
Things have improved slightly in that he's not completely hysterical. Still crying at bedtime and all morning begging not to go.
Teachers have been good and waitied while he has a hug then crucially took his hand and led him in with lots of praise. His main issue seems to be that the school day is so long, I don't think the teacher is keen on me picking him up early though.

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 17/09/2014 09:53

You're completely entitled to pick him up early as he is below statutory school age. You could send him part time for the whole reception year if he is a Summer birthday.

edamsavestheday · 17/09/2014 17:05

Glad it's improving a little but it does sound miserable, him begging not to go all morning. I'd explain that to the teacher and then if it doesn't settle down in a few days, I'd tell them that you will be collecting him early. Don't plead - not after the way the school has behaved, and with his health problems, they need to build up his trust and care appropriate for his needs.

Itsfab · 17/09/2014 19:05

It is a long day for them. They are so tiny and it is a lot for them. My son was 4.5 when he started and he was still having an afternoon nap sometimes!

skyeskyeskye · 17/09/2014 19:13

Our school phases them in if the parent wants to, so a lot of them have been going for half days as they are tired by the end of the week. If he is tired, then maybe do that for a couple of weeks. As stated, if he is under 5 then they cannot legally make him stay there, although you could possible lose his place if you took him out altogether, not that you are intending to do that.

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 17/09/2014 19:26

Teachers argument is that it will single him out from the others if he leaves early.
I do think it would benefit him though.

OP posts:
KatherinaMinola · 17/09/2014 19:30

Just tell them you're picking him up early - no point him being there if he's miserable for the last two hours of the day.

Petrasmumma · 17/09/2014 19:38

Just another comment in support of having a word, and shock at 42 in a class. I can't see any positives to a class size that big at their age.