To email school about not letting my child say goodbye

[Caravanoflove]

My ds has just started school. He's not my first but is really hating school.
He has a lot if health problems and was actually in hospital for most of last week and still isn't 100%.
I took him to school this morning and he was crying, saying he didn't want to go in. We had made him a 'brave bracelet' to touch when he felt sad and I had planned to let his teachers know so they hopefully would let him keep it on throughout the day.
Anyway we were last to the door as it took a lot of effort to get him from the car to the school. His two teachers came out, literally manhandled him off me without a word and physically dragged him in.
I tried to tell them about the bracelet but they wouldn't let me speak. I didn't say goodbye to my son and he was screaming let me give my mummy a goodbye kiss.
A hug and a kiss has to be done every morning before I go to work and he gets quite upset if he doesn't get a one (I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he has some autistic traits in fact).
They just would not let him say goodbye and have his goodbye kiss. I know how hysterical he can get without saying goodbye and said to his teacher please let me say goodbye. She said no this is for the best and shut the door in my face.
I watched through the window as they had to take him into another room away from the other children still begging for a goodbye kiss from mummy.
Now I understand the need for tough no nonsense approach, especially when there are 42 in the class. I also understand we were late by a few mins and last in so teachers didn't have time for us.
However, am I unreasonable to think a 4 year old should be allowed ONE goodbye from mummy before being physically removed?
I'm literally in tears writing this and wondering whether to email the school asking them to let me say one goodbye before they drag him off?
Feeling very delicate so would appreciate fair but kind responses!

I agree Charley, she has probably had an uh oh moment afterwards and is trying to cover her arse. I would be looking at other schools, the village school with 15 children sounds wonderful. 42 in a class, Christ on a bike thats unacceptable.

Sorry I haven't read all the posts but agree with aero
The things you suggest at the bottom of your letter are things that any decent school staff should be doing anyway.
As for the manhandling, are they actually trained to do so. I would guess not as none of the training I have ever done on the subject of behaviour management would advise such strong physical intervention unless damage or injury is likely to occur and definately not until every other positive strategy has been tried.

My dd who is 7 who has ASD used to go to a mainstream school, and I know for a fact parents were allowed in the class room on the first week to say goodbye. The teachers and TA could not have been kinder, this would not have happened there.

I know there is always time for a goodbye and a kiss before children go to the classroom that it is encouraged by the school.

OP, you do not have to ask school for permission to kiss your own child goodbye!

This is awful foundation stage practice. Atrocious. Step one of a child's first day is not to traumatise the child! What kind of impression do you give a four year old that their first experience of you is being forcibly removed from their parent into your care? What a lovely relationship that's going to be with them and their family!

I've taught reception/early years and I've been handed many sobbing children by parents. Handed. On occasion I've helped a parent and followed their to transfer a distraught child from their arms into mine to let mum or dad escape, and taught with that child on my lap for the first half hour or so. I've known foundation staff laps be crowded for the first half hour of the day in the early days, but helping a child learn to separate confidently from their family is a huge part of what foundation staff should be doing! It isn't 'naughty' behaviour, it's what little nervous systems are wired to do, to panic at separation from their familiar loved ones to go into unfamiliar situations. It takes time to learn to do it and feel ok about it, and it takes building on GOOD, safe experiences.

Furious for you OP. Please don't ask for permission to say goodbye to your child, I'd be asking to see their Foundation Stage policy, their settling in policy, their handling policy (if they're going to manhandle your child are they trained? Doing it safely? In any kind of professional way?) and frankly I'd be visiting the other school up the road to see if they had any places. Your poor little boy!

followed their lead

YANBU and I hope your meeting today has gone well.

I think the treatment of your DS is deplorable, especially as from this:
"Anyway we were last to the door as it took a lot of effort to get him from the car to the school."
I presume that is why you were late, not because you were late getting to the school, so given how they were this morning it's going to be even harder to get him out of the car tomorrow.

Exactly rumble don't apologise to them, they should be apologising to you. They are implementing extremly bad practice. It sounds as though op was last to the Door as her ds was distraught and not wanting to go in. Nit surprising if they treat their little children like prisoners.

I do think you have created some of the problems yourself tbh

1. Starting school is a very stressful step even for the most eager confident child.Sending him fresh out of hospital when he isn't recovered is absolute madness.
2. you were late .So that meant that there was no time for any gentle parting.The teachers have to get teh class started!!

What by 'any' means possible
icymaiden?

No, icymaiden the OP has not created any of the issues.

2) you were late .So that meant that there was no time for any gentle parting.The teachers have to get teh class started!!
A few minutes late at the beginning of reception. They were last in because her son was in distress and frankly it was unacceptable behaviour to a child whether they were 5 minutes, 20 minutes or an hour late. Or do you think assault of small children is excusable in these circumstances? No other teacher would behave like that and it is the teacher's fault and no-one else's

Icy still tge way it was handled was unacceptable. It took him so long to get from the car to the school due to his state, not because op left in insufficient time.

MsAnthoptic
You think a 4 yr old starting school unwell , is not going to hinder his chances of settling in.She should have waited he was fully restored before starting.

icymaiden Yes, I think a 4 year old still feeling a bit poorly probably felt a little under the weather, as did his mother. What's your point? Is someone else manhandling a 4 year old excusable and their mother's fault if the the child is feeling a bit fragile. Sorry, still not seeing your view.

Update:
So I sent the email before I went in as I knew I wouldn't be able to get my point across without crying. I copied in the head.
I got a call asking me to come in sooner by the teacher who was not one of the two involved this morning.
She apologised and said they didn't handle it very well and came up with a plan to go on. She also suggested a book of pictures of him doing things he enjoys at school so when he is in hospital (happens frequently) it wot be such a shock when he returns.
It seems that all his friends he had before the 6 weeks holiday at nursery have moved on without him and he apparently did not talk to another child at all today so there is a plan to facilitate friendships.
She was keen that we work together and said they need to make school fun and also acknowledge his health problems.
So all in all really positive I think, I think they are clear that I was unhappy about this morning. Although I did end up apologising for sending the email but we are moving forward with a plan.
Thanks so much for all the support today, fingers crossed for tomorrow!

That does sound like a positive outcome, and a teacher who is really thinking about ways to help. Shame that you and DS had to go through this morning to get there, though.

Only read the OP so far but had to post.

FOUR?!?

I read the OP and thought he was about nine.

FGS that is awful. Some children will play up and want thirty good bye cuddles but the school should know if he is like that and the barbaric tough approach is right for him.

all round.

Glad you've had such a good and productive discussion with the teacher who actually sounds very nice. I hope they are able to integrate him into the class and your little boy starts to enjoy school very soon

I am pleased op, that is good so no repeats of this morning. And stop apologising to them.

What? Is that even legal??

Here in the US you could press charges for grabbing your child like that.

I'm so pissed on your behalf.

Ooh, I'd be in the office throwing an absolute fit if they manhandled my child like that. How ridiculous.

I'm pleased about that, but do start keeping a record, just in case.

Exactly, by tge sounds of it op little boy has an on going condition needing hospital treatment, so may never really feel 100%. School need to adjust to this and help him whilst at school. Icy are you that teacher!

Sounds like a positive outcome and some good suggestions for helping him to settle. I hope the rest of the week isn't as traumatic - both for you and him!

Well done for sticking to your guns.