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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email school about not letting my child say goodbye

185 replies

Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:14

My ds has just started school. He's not my first but is really hating school.
He has a lot if health problems and was actually in hospital for most of last week and still isn't 100%.
I took him to school this morning and he was crying, saying he didn't want to go in. We had made him a 'brave bracelet' to touch when he felt sad and I had planned to let his teachers know so they hopefully would let him keep it on throughout the day.
Anyway we were last to the door as it took a lot of effort to get him from the car to the school. His two teachers came out, literally manhandled him off me without a word and physically dragged him in.
I tried to tell them about the bracelet but they wouldn't let me speak. I didn't say goodbye to my son and he was screaming let me give my mummy a goodbye kiss.
A hug and a kiss has to be done every morning before I go to work and he gets quite upset if he doesn't get a one (I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he has some autistic traits in fact).
They just would not let him say goodbye and have his goodbye kiss. I know how hysterical he can get without saying goodbye and said to his teacher please let me say goodbye. She said no this is for the best and shut the door in my face.
I watched through the window as they had to take him into another room away from the other children still begging for a goodbye kiss from mummy.
Now I understand the need for tough no nonsense approach, especially when there are 42 in the class. I also understand we were late by a few mins and last in so teachers didn't have time for us.
However, am I unreasonable to think a 4 year old should be allowed ONE goodbye from mummy before being physically removed?
I'm literally in tears writing this and wondering whether to email the school asking them to let me say one goodbye before they drag him off?
Feeling very delicate so would appreciate fair but kind responses!

OP posts:
maras2 · 15/09/2014 09:45

I can't believe this still happens.30 years ago DS started school in exactly the same way,with him being wrenched off me.I'm a big,tough old lady now but the thought of this still makes me upset.No need for it at all.Make an appointment and sort it out face to face rather than email.

AngelinaCongleton · 15/09/2014 09:46

I'd at least call and see how long it took him to calm down.

FannyFifer · 15/09/2014 09:47

That is awful, your poor boy.
Why did you not send him to the smaller school out of interest?

Stratter5 · 15/09/2014 09:49

Poor baby :(

Can I ask why he's at a school with 42 in the class, rather than the village school with 15? That sounds a lot less overwhelming, or is it because his nursery friends are there with him?

gogowow · 15/09/2014 09:51

The teachers attitude is terrible. He never should have been dragged off you. It's important that parents don't linger as that makes the separation worse but they should have said a quick kiss and cuddle from mummy then took him off you reassuring him you are coming back by saying bye mummy see you later.

At least they have asked to speak to you about putting a routine in place. Hope this works out. Please come back and update us. Really feel for you this morning op.

Stratter5 · 15/09/2014 09:51

Just seen your response. I'd send him back to nursery, then the village school. Four is way too early to be at school, imo.

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:51

Fanny: my dd is already at that school and getting on fine. She never got upset so I guess I never had to experience the tough love approach. It's our nearest school and has never been anything but outstanding with ofsted. I guess that doesn't count for that much when you and your child are in tears though!

OP posts:
bauhausfan · 15/09/2014 09:52

Aw that's terrible! I would have cried too :( The smaller school definitely sounds like one that would be better.

outtolunchagain · 15/09/2014 09:52

Is this in the UK , I thought 30 pupils was the maximum, or do you mean 42 in the year . Either way it sounds ghastly

bauhausfan · 15/09/2014 09:53

I removed my DS from an outstanding school btw, as I am sure have many other parents. It's only outstanding if it's outstanding for all YOUR children.

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:54

Can anyone give me some level headed pointers about what to say at the meeting this afternoon as I'm worried it won't be a two way thing, more them telling me this is how they do things.
I honestly think they've got too many kids than they can cope with, the teachers are looking very stressed.

OP posts:
TravellingToad · 15/09/2014 09:55

Why can't he go back to his nursery? He doesn't have to be in school. I'm so sorry youre going through this :(

MsAnthropic · 15/09/2014 09:55

I agree, word for word, with everything picardy said. I'd go back and get him. You can't let him think you condone it, which you clearly don't!

God, poor you and poor him. I'd be in pieces at that Sad

Original poster
Caravanoflove · 15/09/2014 09:56

Outtilunch, there's 42 in one class. One teacher, one teaching assistant (who I thin also works in year 1) and one teaching assistant with a degree in education but not a qualified teacher. They count her as a teacher though.

OP posts:
Lookslikeimstuckhere · 15/09/2014 09:56

I taught Reception for a number of years and I am shocked that you and your DS were treated in this way.

A goodbye has to be part of the morning routine, even if it is said when they are desperately upset. I would NEVER have taken a child from their Mother, unless they have asked for help. It can only lead to distrust from both the child and Mother which is not a good foundation for a healthy home - school relationship.

As a teacher, you need to be there to reassure - especially when they are so young. Sometimes you may need to hold on to them while Mum plucks up the courage to walk away and I've suffered many bumps and bruises from children lashing out during this process. But I have always made sure someone has phoned the parents to update them of how the child has settled.

I'm not sure withdrawing him is the answer, unless you cannot come to a shared agreement of how the mornings will work. Being at the same school as his sister may be able to bring him some comfort later down the line.

I would however, be phoning the school to ask for an update on his morning and to ask for an earlier meeting if you are able to do so. Take a friend if you can. Maybe have what you want to happen in the mornings and make it very clear that you will not accept such behaviour and that you deem it inappropriate. Maybe even go so far as to say that if it happens again, you will be writing a formal letter of complaint. Or simply ask for their complaints procedure. That always gets them worried Wink

I hope you are able to get an update and that you discover he has settled in ok. Also that the school accept that they have been heavy handed in the way they dealt with you both this morning. I really feel for you.

Whatisaweekend · 15/09/2014 09:56

Oh! Poor you and your poor ds! I am so sorry for you both. What a spectacularly badly handled arrival! I do understand the theory about not prolonging the agony but surely a brisk, cheery "right, give mummy a quick hug and kiss and then off we go!" is better than dragging a screaming child away!! Hope you give them what for when you meet for this 'strategies' meeting.

As an aside, how many in the class??? Wtaf??

HopefulHamster · 15/09/2014 10:03

Poor you OP. My son has been upset starting reception but the staff have been very helpful. The TAs take him over to the window so he can wave goodbye to me and have got him to let go of me by being encouraging about what they're doing, not just dragging him off.

Hope you can resolve this.

Also 42 is a really strange number! Are they counting it as two classes in one room?

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 15/09/2014 10:03

Outtilunch, there's 42 in one class. One teacher, one teaching assistant (who I thin also works in year 1) and one teaching assistant with a degree in education but not a qualified teacher. They count her as a teacher though.

Pretty sure that's not legal. They need one qualified teacher per 30 children. So for 42, they need 2.

gentlehoney · 15/09/2014 10:05

I think your hope of it being a two way exchange is optimistic. It is up to the school to decide how to deal with children in their care.
If it was my child, I would remove him until he was ready, and look into the other school.

Lookslikeimstuckhere · 15/09/2014 10:05

It is irrelevant how many children they have (although I'm not sure they have got away with it, county were on our backs when we tried something similar). They should still treat all children and parents with respect.

At the meeting I would outline that for your part, you will make sure that you will be there at a reasonable time. That you will say your goodbyes however and wherever you need to. I would keep them brief but the same each day. If he is upset and finding it hard to let go, then the teaching staff can only come and get him once you have said a phrase such as 'Mrs Jones is going to come and get you now for your exciting day at school'. Make it clear that no-one is to touch him until that point.

Perhaps suggest a reward chart for him - one of his jobs in the morning could be to take a special sticker from you to put on a chart in his classroom.

I'm sure they will be just as happy as you to have a clear plan. Write it down and present it as the only option. 'This is what I expect to happen'. Talk it through with your DS so that he knows what will happen in advance.

Hope that helps Smile

TryingNotToLaugh · 15/09/2014 10:08

My dc(2) also went through a brief stage of this. What helped was getting to the playground early and about a week of me coming into the classroom with him, before everyone else. Letting him show me his peg, his carpet place etc. I could get him engaged with something and then leg it at the first opportunity. This was encouraged by the teachers (nursery class).

I suggest that you make a list of your concerns and ask the teachers what suggestions they have for dealing with this? State that you are not happy with having him forcibly removed from you and ask for alternative strategies. An outstanding, full school will have met this scenario countless times before and should be able to deal with it well.

I also think it really helps if you take notes. Ask them beforehand if that's ok, and stop them (politely) when you need to write things down. At the end, you could check over your nots with them for clarity. This slows the whole meeting down and ensures there is no misunderstanding.

Good luck.

Lookslikeimstuckhere · 15/09/2014 10:08

Rafals - At a school I was at before they got away with a similar thing because technically there were enough teachers on site for it to be 30 to a teacher. I think it's wrong and would be just double checking with the LEA.

MarianneSolong · 15/09/2014 10:08

"Reception classes in maintained schools are subject to infant class size legislation. The School Admissions (Infant Class Size) Regulations 2012 limit the size of infant classes to 30 pupils per school teacher while an ordinary teaching session is conducted. ‘School teachers’ do not include teaching assistants, higher level teaching assistants or other support staff. Consequently, in an ordinary teaching session, a school must employ sufficient school teachers to enable it to teach its
infant classes in groups of no more than 30 per school teacher."

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/335504/EYFS_framework_from_1_September_2014__with_clarification_note.pdf

Pariba · 15/09/2014 10:12

OP :( that is awful. your poor son. 4 is so little.

go back and get him x

LouiseBourgeois · 15/09/2014 10:12

Lookslike gives good advice for an approach to the meeting. I'm horrified this happened in 2014. As another poster said, that was the kind of thing being done at my brutal primary school almost forty years ago.