To email school about not letting my child say goodbye

[Caravanoflove]

My ds has just started school. He's not my first but is really hating school.
He has a lot if health problems and was actually in hospital for most of last week and still isn't 100%.
I took him to school this morning and he was crying, saying he didn't want to go in. We had made him a 'brave bracelet' to touch when he felt sad and I had planned to let his teachers know so they hopefully would let him keep it on throughout the day.
Anyway we were last to the door as it took a lot of effort to get him from the car to the school. His two teachers came out, literally manhandled him off me without a word and physically dragged him in.
I tried to tell them about the bracelet but they wouldn't let me speak. I didn't say goodbye to my son and he was screaming let me give my mummy a goodbye kiss.
A hug and a kiss has to be done every morning before I go to work and he gets quite upset if he doesn't get a one (I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he has some autistic traits in fact).
They just would not let him say goodbye and have his goodbye kiss. I know how hysterical he can get without saying goodbye and said to his teacher please let me say goodbye. She said no this is for the best and shut the door in my face.
I watched through the window as they had to take him into another room away from the other children still begging for a goodbye kiss from mummy.
Now I understand the need for tough no nonsense approach, especially when there are 42 in the class. I also understand we were late by a few mins and last in so teachers didn't have time for us.
However, am I unreasonable to think a 4 year old should be allowed ONE goodbye from mummy before being physically removed?
I'm literally in tears writing this and wondering whether to email the school asking them to let me say one goodbye before they drag him off?
Feeling very delicate so would appreciate fair but kind responses!

It is up to the school to decide how to deal with children in their care.
Only up to a point. They assaulted ("manhandling") a 4 year old child. I would not be having any kind of "two way exchange" in that situation either.

That's still not legal, even if they are on site. It refers to the number n the classroom for the teaching session. Non-teachers are allowed to cover for PPA time, but that's about it.

For 42 reception children they need to be employing 2 FTE to be working in reception. Not 1 and a teacher who they are employing as a TA, because she won't count in the staffing ratio. Many schools try to get away with it, but it is in breach of the ICS rules and statutory EYFS requirements.

Those numbers seem outrageous!!!!

DD started Reception last year in a local village school. 15 in the class, 1 teacher and 3 TAs. They had 4 children with special needs hence the increased number of TAs. Due to the reputation of the school the numbers increased to 22 by the end of Reception year with people pulling their DCs out from the surrounding schools.

The school in our village has 50 in Reception year (split between two classes) and has an Outstanding rating. But when I was looking at all the schools they refused to let me come along and view it. They said I had to go to the official Open day (when no doubt everything would be looking wonderful). I know lots of people who have since pulled their DCs from that school.

Outstanding means nothing at all. It wouldn't have been right for DD.

But have the meeting, get some strategies put in place (I always found that being the first there really helped as DD didn't like crowds, then I would stay there with her until the official school start time, letting her show me around the classroom etc. The teachers would join in with our chat and she didn't even realize it was part of our handover process...) and then make an informed decision based on your gut feeling.

Maybe make some informal enquiries about places at the other school as a back-up...

I think in this meeting I would raise the issue that his feelings were completely ignored.
Teachers should actually make all their pupils aware of their gut feelings, to teach them self awareness which is important for keeping themselves safe.
Completely overriding his and your wishes/emotions is teaching him that an adult can decide he has to ignore his emotions.

That's what I would tell them.

Agree Rafals. The stuff that some schools try to get away with (until caught) is appalling, for all parties except the head and their budget usually. I pointed out many times that it wasn't right but even County said so long as we kept it quiet then it was ok?!! We were only combining in the afternoons but still wrong.
Even 30 is a lot to handle in a Reception class without a TA to support full time.

OP I'm really quite annoyed/upset on yours and DS's behalf. If your son wants a goodbye Kiss then he should bloody well get one! He's just four years old for fuck sake.

Manhandling a clearly distressed child is just not on, had he even met these teachers previously or are they Still total strangers to him?

I think it goes without saying that YANBU, the teachers on the other hand....

I had this problem at preschool. They were lovely caring people, and what they had found worked best was peeling the child off the parent with a cheery "goodbye". They had a 'no parents inside' rule.

That was disastrous for us, DD was so distressed. I explained that when starting at the childminder what worked for us was taking her inside, spending a minute or two to engage her in the environment then a quick hug and kiss and exit. Once they agreed I could do this she was happily going in after a couple of days.

Can you try a "this is what I think will work" approach at the meeting?

It isn't fair on the children or the teachers. If she had 21 children to deal with, not 42 she might have more time to deal with a distressed child, who's new to school.

Do e-mail the school and go into the meeting with an idea of what you want to happen. Not all of what you want will be practical for them to put in place but they should at least attempt to meet you half way.

What happened this morning shouldn't have happened. The tough love approach does work better for most, But IMO the tough love approach involves the chance to say at least a brisk goodbye and the child being prepared for it rather than it being forced upon them at the time it happens.

I thought that was breaking the law but presumably they must have found a way around it

Oh OP this has made me sob. I have just had an awful experience dropping my ds off on his first day, but the circumstances were not as extreme as yours.

I was told previously that parents were allowed to stay for the session (ds is doing half days), and that they wanted happy children and parents. I ended up being the last parent there & being escorted off the premises by the head teacher. I kept explaining that I had promised ds that I would stay. He was sat on the mat with his head on his knees, growling when people tried to talk to him.

He is a sensitive soul who needed reassurance and I didn't get to say goodbye, before they whisked me off & told me I had to go. I am so upset, feel like I have let my son down & wanted his first day to be a good experience. I just wanted to go back and grab him. Counting down the minutes til I go to pick him up. I am so sorry you had such an awful experience.

This would really have upset me and I'm fairly tough with my children. In fact I would probably have gone straight around to the office and asked for him back.

Yes you need to be down with children and in don't cases they need to be carried in. I've had to do this with my own ds. However from the school's perspective this should only be done in concert with the parent not without.

No you weren't being unreasonable and I think they might have added to your child's anxiety rather than diminish it.

They're just hoping no one notices outtolunch. TAs are cheaper.

Appalling. This would NEVER happen in our school especially not with a child who had only just started.

And 42 in the class? How can this be? I thought 30 was the max.

However, and you know this already, if your son is anxious about saying goodbye you do need to get to school in record early time to make sure you have time to make that transition. We all have off days where it all goes pear shaped but while he is settling how about doing everything 30 mins before you normally would, to be absolutely sure you have time. Its a pain (and I am the worlds worst offender at leaving everything too late in the morning) but it is better than a rushed goodbye, a sad child and you feeling distressed all day.

You may or may not be being unreasonable, but the posters sobbing over your OP are

Is the school an Academy or free school? I'm wondering whether they are counting one of the TAs as a teacher since teachers in academies don't have to be qualified - one of many reasons why I would always avoid them. Even if they are, I would have thought that with those numbers in a Reception class they really ought to have at least two TAs.

I must say, if their reasoning is that they have to be tough because of the numbers in the class, it isn't acceptable: they've chosen to organise the school that way, it's up to them to make it work for all the children, including those with sn or health difficulties.

Sorry for typos

I meant firm with children not down with them. I'm no hip cat.

Some children not don't

Oh OP :( Our school would never have done that. When DS had a tearful morning in Reception (again because of a change in routine, and again I've wondered whether he has slight ASD traits), the TS got me to go in with him and sit in the corridor reading him a book until he was ready to go and join the class. Even at the very end of Y2 when he went in crying one day after being hurt in the playground, the teacher asked me to stay until he was OK. I hope they let you get your point across this afternoon and that your little lad has calmed down now and is having a better morning

Very harsh! Its obviously 'policy' but why didn't they warn you?

Places I know allow parents to loiter for a little while, then do a proper 'cheerio' (no sneaking away) once the child is settled or started an activity.

That is awful. I would have told them to get their hands off him so I could say goodbye. It's bloody reception not prison camp!

You are all so lovely, I am feeling a bit less tearful and more angry.
I was thinking of sending an email prior to the meeting so that I don't get railroaded (or perhaps I should send it to follow up afterwards?)

I would really appreciate opinions on this

This will probably out me but here goes

Dear head/ey teacher

Prior to me meeting with xx this afternoon to discuss strategies to help ds settle in school I though it would be helpful to have some suggestions on paper.

I do not feel the approach taken this morning is helpful at all to his wellbeing and desire to attend school. I am sure you will agree we need a plan to make future mornings successful and the current strategy of immediate physical removal without allowing ONE goodbye is not working.

I appreciate the need to get the children in quickly and not allow protracted goodbyes. However this morning ds was not given the chance to say goodbye even once, upon arrival at the door he was removed without any attempts to communicate with him or warning about what was to happen. He was removed whilst screaming for a goodbye hug and a kiss.

A goodbye kiss is part of his routine of saying goodbye and to deny this is quite traumatic to him. Similarly to physically remove a child with no warning or even any attempt to communicate is not acceptable.

I recognise this strategy will probably work for most children and also that ds stops crying quickly once inside however it has simply served to foster a negative association with going to school. Ds’s frequent hospitalisations have obviously contributed to his separation anxiety.
I also recognise that we have a big part to play to get to school early to avoid disruption to the rest of the class.

I am more than happy for you to physically remove ds AFTER he has said goodbye and after some attempt to communicate with him and encourage him inside has happened. I would also like you to tell him that you are taking him inside before you do it.

It is possible that he may respond to encouraging talk from a teacher whilst leading him in by hand. I would appreciate if this could be tried first.

Hopefully the plan I have set out below will be acceptable to you and I appreciate any ideas you have also.

• We will arrive in the playground by 8.25am

• As part of ds’s goodbye routine he will have a hug and say goodbye ONCE.

• It is imperative he is allowed to say goodbye once.

• I will then say ‘Mrs x is going to take you into school’

• I expect him not to be physically removed without warning until I have said this

• I would appreciate it if a teacher could try to communicate with him and take his hand to LEAD him in before physical removal is needed

• For example, talk about what exciting things he will do, perhaps give him a job to do?

• He has a special bracelet that he can touch to ‘make him brave’.

• Alternatively would it be possible to arrive early and trial taking ds into the classroom to settle him before the other children arrive?

Hopefully we can work together to find a strategy that is successful for all of us

What do you think?

That sounds awful OP. I was close to tears when I read your OP. That's a terrible way to treat a child.

I hope you manage to sort everything at the meeting.

I would phone them and tell them how upset you are about what happened, what they did was wrong and I suspect it has made things worse ( tomorrow could be made much harder for you ). Both my dd's have ASD and at so doping have had to be dragged off me but it was a last resort and mainly happened at nursery, nursery always used to phone me 10 minutes later to let me know they were ok. Now they are a bit older it has got harder and there have been times where we have been unable to get them from the car ( teachers have tried to persuade them out ) and I have had to take them back home. No child should be dragged from the car and forced into school .

It is up to the school to decide how to deal with children in their care

Even if this were true, and its not because clearly the teachers still have to work within the confines of the law, he wasn't in their care this morning but was manhandled off his Mum into the classroom.

The whole scene sounds like something from the 1950's.

Jesus Christ, if they'll do that in front of you what the fuck is going on when no one is watching?!

If they think that is acceptable behaviour I think you are going to have to be VERY firm with them about what you will stand for.

I'd probably be looking for a plan b in the even that this can't be resolved fairly quickly. And/or making a written complaint.

Unnecessary and unhelpful.

Do you think I should send the email before the meeting?

I think it's a very clear letter, but my inclination would be to send it after you have met and - hopefully - some of the above has been agreed.

It may be that they will anticipate some of the stuff you want to say.

So do it as a record of the conversation you're going to have i.e you can record the joint plan. If there are still one or two areas of disagreement, these can be noted. You can also build in that you'd like to review how it's all working in a few weeks time.