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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is mil?

174 replies

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:09

I work Fridays and Saturdays. I used to work every Saturday and Sunday, and dh looked after dd but we had very little family time, so I swapped, and Mil offered to have dd on a Friday. All good, except mil is a very nervous driver and lives 30 miles away, so I have to leave by 6.30, then drive back to work, which is 10 mins from my house, then back to collect dd. We usually get home around 7, dd is starving, it's a nightmare.

Dd started playschool every morning this week, she is 3, and used to attend two mornings per week. Her best friends gran (her parents are deceased) has offered to collect dd from school every Friday and keep her til I finish. In return I will have her dd on a Monday so she can go to a club associated with her hobby.

She lives in the next road, I have known her since the girls were 6 months old and trust her completely.

Mil has gone mental. Sad

She feels used, thinks I am being selfish and putting pressure on her to drive on the motorway, and am exposing dd to unhealthy living arrangements. (Apparently being bought up by dgp's is unnatural, and the woman's husband could be a paedophile)

So frustrated. This new arrangement would be so much easier, and mil is forever complaining that she is spending her retirement babysitting. (She has sils dd 2 days a week too)

Aibu to stick to my guns?

OP posts:
marne2 · 04/09/2014 13:11

Your mil is being unreasonable. The arrangement with the other child's grandmother seems perfect ( she helps you out for a few hours and you help her out ), I don't see any problem.

PurplePidjin · 04/09/2014 13:11

Firstly, no I don't think you are although i would offer to spend time with MIL as a family every so often

Secondly, why isn't her actual son dealing with this?

NynaevesSister · 04/09/2014 13:12

Surely it is up to you and not MiL what you do? How did you present this to her? Did you explain that you'd looked into all these details (assuming so with the grandfather). And that you just can't do the driving anymore but you really don't expect her to do it either. 30 miles is a fair distance.

SistersOfPercy · 04/09/2014 13:12

Stick to your guns.

If MIL is such a nervous driver she should be having top up lessons or handing in her licence.

Pootles2010 · 04/09/2014 13:13

Your MIL is batshit. You aren't putting pressure, you're offering her an alternative. I hate driving, in this situation I'd say thank you very much!

Don't even get me started on the 'unhealthy' comments. The poor child's parents died!! Would she rather they went into care?

And if its unnatural to be brought up by gp's, why should she be babysitting? Mental.

DuelingFanjo · 04/09/2014 13:13

YANBU

but... if you really can't do it have you thought about getting your DH/DP to do one of teh journeys to MIL's house?

SavoyCabbage · 04/09/2014 13:14

She is.

It's not like she will never see your dd again.

FreeSpiritsBadAttitude · 04/09/2014 13:14

Of course stick to your guns. Driving 30 miles for childcare is ridiculous. You're doing this for your own convenience, not to put pressure on your MIL!

Can you still use the overheard phone call as leverage? Grin I remember your other thread.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/09/2014 13:16

Your new arrangement is much better. Even if it wasn't it's up to you. Do you think it's because it is another granny who'll have DD that she feels put out in a way she wouldn't it had be a mum more your age?

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:17

Dh has two jobs, one from 7.30am til 5/6pm Monday to Friday, and another from 7pm - 2am Thurs -Sun so I tend to do the dropping off and picking up. It doesn't help that he isn't allowed passengers in his work van.

It seemed polite to ring mil and let her know ASAP. Wish I'd got dh to do it now.Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:22

Freespirit Grin No, I've had to accept that they were talking about Sheila's son, not me, but I've never been completely convinced tbh.

Mil doesn't drive in the dark, on motorways, or with children in the car. Too dangerous apparently. Conveniently, this means she never drives to any family/social event, and can always have a few glasses of wine, Hmm

OP posts:
ToffeeWhirl · 04/09/2014 13:23

YANBU. She is.

A significant number of children are brought up by their DGP, including myself (my parents were divorced and my mother worked some way away). Your MIL is being bonkers.

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:25

Ghoul, new lady is 46.

I am 41, mil is 65, so no I shouldn't think so, but who knows.

Let's not forget that this is a woman who thought having a cardboard cut out of fil (deceased) at the entrance to the church at sils wedding was a "thoughtful touch" Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:26

I spent a year living with my dgp's as a child, so that might have been a dig at me now I think about it.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/09/2014 13:27

I just wondered if she was thinking she was a granny replacement but perhaps not if she' nearer to your age. YANBU anyway.

Lee32 · 04/09/2014 13:28

Why isn't DH taking a stand on this? How come it seems to be all your responsibility? It takes two to create a child.

And how does MIL manage to feel "used" if she offered to take DD in the first place?

YANBU. She is. Stand your ground. You can't pull your working Fridays out of shape just to suit her agenda, never mind the added costs in time and petrol.

The other thing is, a 60-mile round trip on a motorway always carries the risk of an accident, no matter who is driving. I wouldn't make DD do an unnecessary road journey for that reason alone.

Stick. To. Your. Guns. She'll just have to get over it.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 04/09/2014 13:30

Your MIL has some odd ideas, but off topic, when does your DH actually sleep? Confused

Goldmandra · 04/09/2014 13:31

She's upset and probably thinking that this is related to the overheard phone call. Give her some time to calm down but remain firm. Ignore the ranting about paedophiles and unnatural families. She knows that's rubbish but it's her only argument because, in reality, the whole makes perfect sense.

The new arrangement is in your family's best interests so carry on with it while making sure you spend a little extra time with you MIL whenever reasonably possible.

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:31

The offer was only made this morning, so I rang mil straight away.

Dh can ring her later.

I am very excited at not having to get up at stupid o'clock tomorrow! Smile

OP posts:
Lee32 · 04/09/2014 13:33

Sounds like you've made your mind up. Good!! Flowers

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:34

Luis.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights he is in bed by 10, Saturday morning he is up by 8.15 to have dd so Sundays I usually leave him in bed till about midday.

He works ridiculously hard, but the evening job is dj'ing, which he loves. It's not like going down a coal mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:37

Ffs.

Dh has a rare Saturday night off this week. We were going to go out, but Mil has just cancelled.

"If I am not good enough to have dd on Fridays then I assume I am not good enough to have her Saturday either. Perhaps you could ask other lady instead"

Really?

OP posts:
ebwy · 04/09/2014 13:40

wow... if that's a typical example of her attitude, I wouldn't want to leave my kid there anyway!

puntasticusername · 04/09/2014 13:42

Oh god, proper hissy fit! Silly woman.

I wouldn't rely on her for babysitting in future if I were you.

QueenofallIsee · 04/09/2014 13:46

I have said it before Cats, your MIL is a nasty piece of work. You are so not being unreasonable. I can't believe you are still having to put up with her to be honest, you are a more tolerant woman than I am.

One for your husband to deal with, let her throw her toys out of the pram all she likes. Your life and your childs life would be made so much easier by changing your arrangements, I hope he can get his mother to wind her neck in