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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is mil?

174 replies

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:09

I work Fridays and Saturdays. I used to work every Saturday and Sunday, and dh looked after dd but we had very little family time, so I swapped, and Mil offered to have dd on a Friday. All good, except mil is a very nervous driver and lives 30 miles away, so I have to leave by 6.30, then drive back to work, which is 10 mins from my house, then back to collect dd. We usually get home around 7, dd is starving, it's a nightmare.

Dd started playschool every morning this week, she is 3, and used to attend two mornings per week. Her best friends gran (her parents are deceased) has offered to collect dd from school every Friday and keep her til I finish. In return I will have her dd on a Monday so she can go to a club associated with her hobby.

She lives in the next road, I have known her since the girls were 6 months old and trust her completely.

Mil has gone mental.

She feels used, thinks I am being selfish and putting pressure on her to drive on the motorway, and am exposing dd to unhealthy living arrangements. (Apparently being bought up by dgp's is unnatural, and the woman's husband could be a paedophile)

So frustrated. This new arrangement would be so much easier, and mil is forever complaining that she is spending her retirement babysitting. (She has sils dd 2 days a week too)

Aibu to stick to my guns?

OP posts:

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 15:30

We are all going away at the end of the month, 20 or so of us. With any luck she'll cancel.

OP posts:

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/09/2014 15:38

I apparently feel different to most everyone else so donning flameproof suit for a second.

Have some compassion for her. Yes the arrangement was a major PITA and she is a little off her rocker but she probably loved having time to herself with your DD and it must feel like she has been replaced. That isn't a nice feeling. I know my own mother would have felt it as a loss if she had looked after one of my sons every week and then it suddenly disappeared.

This is not to say that you should continue the crazy arrangement just because MIL's feelings are hurt, but it would probably help to think of it as a loss to her.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/09/2014 15:41

...plus she may have had some satisfaction "being useful" and needed and now she no longer is and she probably gets a whiff of "this is so much easier for me" from you when she thought she was doing you all a big favour.

PlumpPartridge · 04/09/2014 15:44

I think you're right, Spoony, but there's a big difference between being hurt and lashing out. I would be sympathetic to another person's sadness but that doesn't mean I would tolerate their malicious attempts to upset me. I have been upset by loads of people in my life but generally try to take the high road and not be a bitch!

highkickindandy · 04/09/2014 15:45

Childcare for work needs to be
1/ convenient - you have found a more convenient arrangement
2/ reliable - someone who withdraws from a childcare arrangement in a hissy fit, if only for babysitting, is not someone I would want to depend on for childcare that I need for work. I would not want my job and professional reputation to be compromised by unreliable childcare.
These two issues are separate from family time that you choose to spend together outside of childcare arrangements, though I would not choose to spend much time with someone who is happy to mess me about on these matters.
Good luck with boundaries and limit setting!

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 15:46

Hmm.

You may have a point spoony, and I will make sure she still has dd regularly, but she does have form for manipulative behaviour and histrionics to get her own way.

And she does a good impression of liking me, but she let the mask slip a while ago and now I am a bit less trusting.

OP posts:

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/09/2014 15:56

yes I am very familiar with the manipulative behaviour and histrionics way of controlling people, if I'm honest I know I do it sometimes.

As for the not liking but giving a good impression, actually I think that is a bonus. We all have people we don't like that much and if that is the case she must be trying very hard not to show it and be nice. My mother said she always felt the same way about her MIL, that she didn't really like her that much but she always made such an effort to be kind towards her.

Maybe once MIL has stopped the tantrum you could have a conversation about whether she would like to have DD on a regular but less frequent basis. She may turn you down. You may have to eat crow a little for some family harmony "I'm sorry the way I told you about the change of plans. I was so excited about that extra hour to spend with DD on friday mornings that I did not stop to think about how it would affect you. I'm sorry I was not more considerate. Please can we come up with a compromise?" -- NB she may throw this in your face if she is still hurt, but at least you know you tried.

Goldmandra · 04/09/2014 15:56

she let the mask slip a while ago

IIRC she also had a good moan at that point about having to look after your DD.

She probably does feel upset but a reasonable person would be able to see that this arrangement is better for you and your DD and therefore also for her DS, if only by saving all that fuel. She clearly thinks it's all about her so she is going to be upset and disappointed and there's not much you can do about it.

OnlyLovers · 04/09/2014 15:59

Of course YANBU. What a ridiculous hissy fit.

Spoony, that might be worth thinking about if all of this MIL's history (from here and other threads) didn't scream manipulative, childish drama llama.

OP, for the love of God don't go on holiday with them. It might kill you.

On the other hand, if it doesn't kill you then the threads when you get back will be EPIC.

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 16:07

She did Goldmandra. She was also fairly unpleasant about my dm, who hadn't been well.

Sadly we have no choice but to go away with them. I wish dh's family weren't coming, I hugely suspect sil is going to turn up dressed as a bridesmaid (I have her dd as flowergirl, plus dd and my two nieces) despite us telling her she isn't one.

Ah well. It's all inclusive so my new plain is to start on the gin early so most of their pooseyfrumpture goes straight over my head.

OP posts:

FreeSpiritsBadAttitude · 04/09/2014 16:07

I would never, ever expect someone to do that amount of driving for me, especially with a small child. It's incredibly selfish.

It's a bit sad your DH is off to the pub without you, Keith. Hope you do something nice for yourself at home.

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 16:09

I might invite ndn round for a glass of wine or two.

I will be fine, better stay in than be held to ransom!

OP posts:

cavkc · 04/09/2014 16:25

But presumably if dd is starting play school 5 days a week, you will be at work when she finishes and mil wouldn't be able to pick her up ..

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 16:27

Cavkc, exactly.

If I stuck with the original arrangement she wouldn't be able to attend preschool on a Friday. Now she can, but mil can't see that this is better all round.

OP posts:

captainmummy · 04/09/2014 18:05

pooseyfrumpture -

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 18:15

One of my dgm's words. I strongly suspect she made it up.

OP posts:

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/09/2014 18:27

Of course she can't see it, she has her head firmly stuck up her own bottom (as most of us do to be honest, just look at most of the AIBUs). That is why she needs some compassion, so she can get to the point where she can see that it is better for her darling GD. In the meantime yes, wine in a large glass and something good on the TV while you roll your eyes, shake your head and vent to your best friend.

RubyGoat · 04/09/2014 18:46

I would love to be a fly on the wall when she reads your reply!

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 19:44

Right. Dh has spoken to mil. She feels punished apparently, and that she is being unfairly treated because if she could drive in the big scary motorway (for 8 miles, the rest is normal roads) she could pick dd up and still have her.

She has looked into it and dd could apparently attend a preschool near her on a Friday.

Wtf?

We live in a village, the primary school is 3 doors away, all her friends will likely go there - what on earth would be the point of sending her elsewhere for one day per week?

Madness.

Dh said no, obviously!

OP posts:

Janethegirl · 04/09/2014 19:52

I think you're doing the best thing for your daughter, it'll be good for her to be local friends and not be subjected to at least 2 hours in a car on a Friday - wtf is mil thinking re a different preschool on a Friday!

PicandMinx · 04/09/2014 19:53

Cat, it's all about her isn't it!

pictish · 04/09/2014 19:56

She's quite bonkers isn't she?

pluCaChange · 04/09/2014 19:58

It's beginning to sound as though she only wants DD for the acknowledgement value: oh, she's so indispensible that you'll suffer any number of stupid inconveniences just so you can have HER HELP

Surely that can't be the case. There must be some way of breaking through to her, even if it's only pushing her into a corner so she is forced to either capitulate or admit that she wants something that doesn't benefit her DGD.

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 20:00

Yup. Mad as a box of frogs.

She wasn't like it when fil was alive, but she became very bitter after he died, and is worse since she retired. I think because she shuts herself off from lots of people she has forgotten how to behave. Dh thinks the same, but she won't socialise, and expects the few friends she does have to do all the running.

It's quite sad, which is why in put up with most of it!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 04/09/2014 20:00

Fucking hell she's utterly batshit

How did she react to DH saying no?

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