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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is mil?

174 replies

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:09

I work Fridays and Saturdays. I used to work every Saturday and Sunday, and dh looked after dd but we had very little family time, so I swapped, and Mil offered to have dd on a Friday. All good, except mil is a very nervous driver and lives 30 miles away, so I have to leave by 6.30, then drive back to work, which is 10 mins from my house, then back to collect dd. We usually get home around 7, dd is starving, it's a nightmare.

Dd started playschool every morning this week, she is 3, and used to attend two mornings per week. Her best friends gran (her parents are deceased) has offered to collect dd from school every Friday and keep her til I finish. In return I will have her dd on a Monday so she can go to a club associated with her hobby.

She lives in the next road, I have known her since the girls were 6 months old and trust her completely.

Mil has gone mental.

She feels used, thinks I am being selfish and putting pressure on her to drive on the motorway, and am exposing dd to unhealthy living arrangements. (Apparently being bought up by dgp's is unnatural, and the woman's husband could be a paedophile)

So frustrated. This new arrangement would be so much easier, and mil is forever complaining that she is spending her retirement babysitting. (She has sils dd 2 days a week too)

Aibu to stick to my guns?

OP posts:

ToffeeWhirl · 04/09/2014 20:03

She's absolutely barking, Cat. Glad you DH dealt with that conversation.

Fab word from your DGM, by the way .

ToffeeWhirl · 04/09/2014 20:04

your

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 20:04

Huffily I believe.

He is going to take dd over on Saturday, and move some stuff into the attic, which should smooth her ruffled feathers a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 20:17

I love it Toffee, only ever heard our family say it though.

If any of my cousins are on MN I will be totally outed by that one word

OP posts:

ToffeeWhirl · 04/09/2014 21:26

If you google it, yours are the only two posts that comes up, Cat .

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 21:34

I really hope none of my 30 odd cousins never google it!

OP posts:

SpringItOn · 04/09/2014 23:18

^^^ I hope Mil does

Seriouslyffs · 04/09/2014 23:25

One. Hundred. And. Ten. Miles.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 04/09/2014 23:52

Am I still coming to your wedding? I have my bridesmaids dress sorted and so looking forward to fitting in with the rest of the amply sized bridal party. Where is it you're getting married with your batshit MIL again?

FWIW, think you have the patients of a saint with that one! Good luck with your happy ever after, and gin is your friend

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 05/09/2014 10:48

I had a lovely commute this morning.

My boss has agreed I can come in a bit later on a friday (only 15 mins or so) so that I can drop dd off on my way in.

I didn't get up til 7am, walked the dog, showered, got dd and myself ready, came to work. It was so easy and relaxed!

In other news, mil has written a fb status. It says "Don't know what to do with myself today"

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/09/2014 10:50

That's good news that your boss has been so helpful and that your commute is working out well.

Just ignore MIL. No one else will pick up that as a dig I'm sure.

SistersOfPercy · 05/09/2014 10:51

"Don't know what to do with myself today"

Please reply with 'How about refresher motorway driving lessons?'

ToffeeWhirl · 05/09/2014 10:57

Dear me, what a self-pitying, self-centred woman she is. Just ignore it, Cat, and enjoy your day. The new arrangement is far better for you and your DD.

I love Sisters' response .

AlpacaLypse · 05/09/2014 11:02

off topic, I'm going to spatter 'pooseyfrumpture' around the interweb a bit, partially to cover your MN tracks, but mostly because it's a truly wonderful word that deserves a wider audience!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 05/09/2014 11:12

Cat

She is indeed Batshit, with a capital B.

However, being widowed can be very very difficult - isolating and lonely, even scary, not at all what you had planned for your life, it can make you very bitter and not always very thoughtful and empathetic.

You probably didn't help the situation by almost gleefully telling her that it was stopping without warning, ie the next day. I don't mean you did it on purpose, just that your excitement at the change of plan was probably fairly evident in the speed at which you rang her and your tone of voice. If I had been having a child every Friday, arranging my day around that, looking forward to it etc, I'd have been upset to have been dropped so suddenly - even if I could see that it was a good arrangement for you and for DD and accepted that.

I love that you have done what suits you.

I love that you have done what suits DD.

I love your DH :) He's a rare one on MN, that's for sure!

... but I still feel a little bit sorry for her.

There must be someone else (the little girls Mum) who could have DD overnight so that you can go out for a good night out with DD?! Or even a babysitter that would stay until 'whenever'. I'd offer if you were close enough, but we have people staying this weekend.

captainmummy · 05/09/2014 11:22

"Don't know what to do with myself today" - I'd change my own fb status to exactly as you put on your post. "Got up at a reasonable time, showered, breakfast and nice relaxed commute to work with a relaxed child..." and then " off to have a lovely evening out with dH tonight" later on.

captainmummy · 05/09/2014 11:25

latte - I feel a bit for her too, but she is shooting herself in the foot by refusing to babysit her GD. She's been asked to do what most GP do, ie babysit.

But she won't do it, to spite OP.

Wonder when she'll realise that she's the one missing out?

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 05/09/2014 11:36

Latte I feel sorry for her too, I honestly do. Dh lost patience with her years ago, and I constantly stick up for and defend her to him, as she is his Mum, and I feel he should be a bit more sympathetic. This is why I have insisted he goes over there tomorrow and sorts out her stuff, with dd.

There really isn't anyone to babysit. I grew up in the next county, which is where my parents and most of my friends are. The only friends I really have here all have small children themselves. I did ask my next door neighbour, but they already have plans.

Even Dm has plans tomorrow. It's ok, I am perfectly used to staying in with dd, I do it 4 nights per week, almost every week. Dh deserves a night out, I will stay home. We have two weeks in the sun coming up, with plenty of potential babysitters. I can wait

Alpaca, go for it. My dgm always swore it was a real word, that had died out, I would love to see it have a resurgence!

OP posts:

PicandMinx · 05/09/2014 12:52

If your MIL had your DD and sent her to the local pre-school (as per her suggestion up thread), then she would on her own anyway wouldn't she?

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 05/09/2014 12:56

Only for half a day PicandMinx.

She seems a bit more cheerful now, according to Sils facebook they have gone out for lunch, so that's a relief.

OP posts:

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 05/09/2014 13:28

Captain - Oh totally, she's shooting herself in the foot and waving the gun about madly. She's being mean. I'm just saying that being widowed has changed her and whilst it's not an excuse to treat people badly, it can explain why she's not being entirely reasonable or nice. She's lashing out saying if the OP thinks the new woman is so fucking fantastic ask her to have DD on Saturday night - she's hurting and I am sure we have ALL done that at some stage!

She wasn't like it when fil was alive, but she became very bitter after he died, and is worse since she retired

I feel sorry for her. My Mum isn't like this MIL, but she has changed a lot since my Dad died and at times isn't at all the same person she once was (none of us are tbh). It's hard, life changing and a lot more isolating, scary and lonely than people realise - even years on. You can't just 'snap out of it' or 'be how you were' despite wanting to or despite everyone wishing you could :(

Cat as I said, I don't blame you, not one bit, for changing the arrangements, you'd have been bonkers not to! I think you are a lovely DIL and are being very supportive of her, in general. I just think you were maybe a little insensitive yesterday but frankly, given how exciting the new childcare option is, I don't blame you!!

I still think you should ask beg someone to come and stay tomorrow night or have DD - what's a county between friends

Make the most of the holiday & babysitters. Hopefully MIL will have a 'change of plans' or at the very least behave herself!

Original poster

CatThiefKeith · 06/09/2014 19:05

Quick update:

I'm going out! Lovely dh has asked his lovely friend and equally lovely girlfriend to come over (also 30 miles away) and they have agreed!

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 06/09/2014 19:16

Have a lovely time. You deserve it

No PA FB statuses!!!!

ohfourfoxache · 06/09/2014 19:19

Oh how wonderful!

SunshineDaisiesButterMellow · 06/09/2014 19:29

Have a brilliant evening. Are you going to update your status? Or would that be mean?

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