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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is mil?

174 replies

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:09

I work Fridays and Saturdays. I used to work every Saturday and Sunday, and dh looked after dd but we had very little family time, so I swapped, and Mil offered to have dd on a Friday. All good, except mil is a very nervous driver and lives 30 miles away, so I have to leave by 6.30, then drive back to work, which is 10 mins from my house, then back to collect dd. We usually get home around 7, dd is starving, it's a nightmare.

Dd started playschool every morning this week, she is 3, and used to attend two mornings per week. Her best friends gran (her parents are deceased) has offered to collect dd from school every Friday and keep her til I finish. In return I will have her dd on a Monday so she can go to a club associated with her hobby.

She lives in the next road, I have known her since the girls were 6 months old and trust her completely.

Mil has gone mental. Sad

She feels used, thinks I am being selfish and putting pressure on her to drive on the motorway, and am exposing dd to unhealthy living arrangements. (Apparently being bought up by dgp's is unnatural, and the woman's husband could be a paedophile)

So frustrated. This new arrangement would be so much easier, and mil is forever complaining that she is spending her retirement babysitting. (She has sils dd 2 days a week too)

Aibu to stick to my guns?

OP posts:
Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 07/09/2014 10:53

I didn't put any FB status's up, and the pub has no wifi, so I didn't realise that 3 different people had tagged themselves as out with dh and I until I got up this morning.

God I feel rough. I need bacon!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 07/09/2014 10:54

I didn't put any FB status's up, and the pub has no wifi, so I didn't realise that 3 different people had tagged themselves as out with dh and I until I got up this morning.

That is really funny! Grin

Hope the hangover improves soon and you get your bacon Smile

pictish · 07/09/2014 11:57

Perfect. Wink

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 07/09/2014 15:00

Feel better now. Been to the village fete and come home to a message on the answer phone from mil to say she won't be able to have dd next Saturday so dh can go to BPM.

It was agreed months ago, he's gutted.Sad

OP posts:
clam · 07/09/2014 15:14

Hmm, so she's upping her game now? Nice.

EveDallasRetd · 07/09/2014 15:14

She's upping the ante then. Cutting off her nose to spite her face. Leave this one to DH to deal with though (although frankly I'd be saying "ok fuck you and the horse you came in on and keep the fuck away from my wedding too, bitch).

What's BPM

Can anyone else have DD?

pluCaChange · 07/09/2014 15:47

Hmm, note she waited till after she got her visit yesterday.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2014 15:51

She's really showing her true colurs isn't she? Since the only person that this will affect is her own son Sad.

"Dh lost patience with her years ago, and I constantly stick up for and defend her to him, as she is his Mum, and I feel he should be a bit more sympathetic. "
Maybe time to stop defending her?

clam · 07/09/2014 15:53

Hmm, now let me think... who stands most to lose here from reduced contact? You, who couldn't care less as you don't particularly care for her either and she's not your mum, or her, who presumably wants to see her dgd?

Eva50 · 07/09/2014 15:56

Could you take a days annual leave just for next week?

Hissy · 07/09/2014 16:01

you come from a normal family. he doesn't.

he told you he'd stopped bothering with her.

have you (now) some idea of how hard it is to come to that decision? what shit you have to go through to think, 'actually Mother, I can't take this treatment from you any more'?

you did it for what you thought were the right reasons, but you undermined him somehow, you interferred in something you really ought not to have done.

you will now have to find someone else to sit for you (paid even) and cut this woman's power over you. she's probably faking the driving thing too. just to habve you running around after her.

people like her like to keep people unnecessarily busy.

regroup, plan her out of childcare, and find a way of making sure your H knows you support him, and apologise for not listening to him if necessary.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 07/09/2014 16:22

She's really going for the bug guns isn't she, manipulative shitty behaviour on her part. You need to never rely on her again OP.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 07/09/2014 16:39

I think I might at this point call her bluff with a side of "I'm not going to play these games any more". I still think it is sad the way she is acting and I feel for her but she can't be allowed to mess you around some more.

I think I might say "fine, we will make alternative arrangements then. However, if we can no longer rely on you to make good your promises then you will not be seeing DGD or us very often and we will not ask you to have DGD by yourself again."

sonjadog · 07/09/2014 16:40

I'm curious how this is going to work out. Keep the updates coming!

What is BPM?

I wouldn't push him to have contact with his mum if he doesn't want to. He knows his family dynamic better than anyone and if he says low contact is best, then that's the way it should be.

Kundry · 07/09/2014 16:43

Has it occured to you to change your FB settings so MIL can't monitor your every move?

And what Hissy said. I think your DH knew what she was like but you thought she was a normal person who could be won over by you being pleasant, like normal people are. She isn't, you've learnt the hard way.

Don't placate her in the future, it isn't worth it and she doesn't respect you for it.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 07/09/2014 16:44

...and if you say that and she recants then I would make it very clear that if you make arrangements you expect her to stick with them unless there is an emergency and that this is the last time you are going to have this conversation.

Bear in mind she is likely to take the manipulation to the next level and either involve someone else to talk to you about how you are making MIL miserable or she is likely to throw an even bigger wobbly and say something like she isn't coming to the wedding. #1 is "this is not your business, it is between us and MIL" #2 is "I'm sorry you feel that way, if you change your mind you are still welcome"

Goldmandra · 07/09/2014 16:45

Just say "OK. Fine" and don't rise to it.

I think childcare from grandparents can work really well when both parties respect each other and the needs of the child are of central importance. The minute one party starts playing power games with it, the arrangement needs to end and future visits need to be purely social occasions.

Don't tell her you won't be relying on her in the future because that will just escalate matters without achieving anything. Just turn to others when you need a babysitter or cultivate a couple of decent local teenagers who you can pay.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 07/09/2014 16:47

We had a power imbalance sort of situation and escalating it actually brought it to a head and resolved it. Things are much better since then. That is why I advised what I did.

Goldmandra · 07/09/2014 16:59

If the OP doesn't rely on her MIL for future childcare the situation is already resolved.

The whole family are going away together in a couple of weeks for a holiday and marriage celebration. The less this situation is escalated the easier that holiday will be and the nicer the time the OP will have.

The MIL will get the message anyway. There's no need to be confrontational about it. Sometimes it's better to just shrug your shoulders and resolve not to rely on certain people again.

NanaNina · 07/09/2014 17:33

I haven't read all the thread and I'm a MIL and a grandparent (only have sons) but have 3 DILs. I believe that children have a right to have contact with their grandparents and anyone else in their extended family, so long as it is advantageous for the child. However I think this MIL is being very silly and immature. I suspect that the main reason is because it was another grandmother taking over - maybe she wouldn't have felt so bad if it was a young mother, although it is a very young grandmother!

I'm sure her main problem is that she feels hurt, pushed out, etc but she is really playing silly games and sounds like rather an emotionally immature woman regardless of her age. I often wonder why so many people cover up their feelings of hurt with other emotions, anger usually.

Very sad. OMG I did read about the cardboard cut out of her DH at her daughter's wedding. That is absolutely crazy in my mind - where in god's name did she find such an item - on e bay??!!

Nydj · 07/09/2014 17:42

This is BPM - it's a DJing event in Birmingham next weekend.

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 07/09/2014 18:03

They didn't actually have it made in the end. The local printer was going to do it apparently.

My dm has offered to take dd Saturday, which means dh will have to drive the opposite way round the M25, but at least he can go.

Time off work isn't an option unfortunately.

OP posts:
pictish · 07/09/2014 18:08

What a cowbag.

ohfourfoxache · 07/09/2014 18:20

Agree with others, don't actually say anything - just avoid any situation where she could potentially look after dd.

She really has cut off her nose to spite her face. Perhaps this is a turning point for you all?

WitchWay · 07/09/2014 18:26

she'll be so pissed off that you're managing without her Grin