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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is mil?

174 replies

CatThiefKeith · 04/09/2014 13:09

I work Fridays and Saturdays. I used to work every Saturday and Sunday, and dh looked after dd but we had very little family time, so I swapped, and Mil offered to have dd on a Friday. All good, except mil is a very nervous driver and lives 30 miles away, so I have to leave by 6.30, then drive back to work, which is 10 mins from my house, then back to collect dd. We usually get home around 7, dd is starving, it's a nightmare.

Dd started playschool every morning this week, she is 3, and used to attend two mornings per week. Her best friends gran (her parents are deceased) has offered to collect dd from school every Friday and keep her til I finish. In return I will have her dd on a Monday so she can go to a club associated with her hobby.

She lives in the next road, I have known her since the girls were 6 months old and trust her completely.

Mil has gone mental. Sad

She feels used, thinks I am being selfish and putting pressure on her to drive on the motorway, and am exposing dd to unhealthy living arrangements. (Apparently being bought up by dgp's is unnatural, and the woman's husband could be a paedophile)

So frustrated. This new arrangement would be so much easier, and mil is forever complaining that she is spending her retirement babysitting. (She has sils dd 2 days a week too)

Aibu to stick to my guns?

OP posts:
ToffeeWhirl · 07/09/2014 18:44

She'll probably also be very pissed off that it's now the other grandmother who will be having the pleasure of your Dd's company, not her. As others have said, she sounds very immature and silly. I agree with Goldmandra. No babysitting expectations from now on, only social visits.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 07/09/2014 19:14

Your mil is def unreasonable Smile

She best get used to the change, your dd will eventually go to school, what's she gonna do then?!

MollyHooper · 07/09/2014 19:25

Never, ever ask her to babysit for you again.

Even if it means never going out again until your DD is a teenager. Don't give her the satisfaction.

RubyGoat · 07/09/2014 19:53

Is it your DH that takes your DD to see her, or do you all go? Because after this latest development, I certainly wouldn't be going! And I can just imagine the atmosphere between her & your DP if he has to drive all that way so she can see her DGD, when your MIL refused to help when he needed it.

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 07/09/2014 20:04

Usually if it's a visit we all go.

I think irritatingly cheerful is the way to deal with it all.

My plan is to carry on exactly as normal, not engage, and not play her games.

Goldmandra is exactly right, we are all going away in a few weeks, I refuse to end up with more shitty wedding memories, which is what will happen if it escalates.

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 07/09/2014 20:09

I'm glad you had a good night out last night :)

She's being a cow... let her crack on with it, she's cutting her own nose off.

If she finds another way to be difficult, your DH might have to remind her of the 'If I have to choose' stance that he has.

DraggingDownDownDown · 07/09/2014 20:25

Could your Mum come to your house to have her?

onedev · 07/09/2014 21:53

I remember your other thread too - your MIL is completely out of order.

Discopanda · 08/09/2014 00:47

Seriously, what is wrong with MILs?! When me and my other half were looking for places to move into, mine said she wouldn't babysit unless we moved to somewhere she could cycle to (she can drive and has her own car). The one time she has babysat since we moved into our new home she asked me to cook her dinner before I went out (as well as getting my toddler fed, clean, ready for bed and myself clean and ready so I offered money for takeaway instead)

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable, stick to your guns!

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 13/09/2014 08:26

More drama.

Dh's dgf has booked a last minute holiday and is joining us, along with his 'friend' Sandra.

Mil is outraged, because he started his 'friendship' with Sandra a year after dh's dgm died, which was too soon, and now he is 'flaunting her' at the 'wedding'.

Oh, and he paid £400 less than mil because of the short notice, so she's pissed off with that too.Hmm

OP posts:
cansu · 13/09/2014 08:32

I don't think Yabu but be careful. What about when your dd is sick and the other child's gran can't have her? What about if her child is sick, changes play school or whatever? Your arrangement with your mil may be slightly inconvenient but it will be hard to go back if all goes pear shaped with the new arrangement. I am guessing your mil will naturally miss spending time with her grandchild too. I think you should have perhaps given this a bit more thought before you launched this idea to all concerned as you may come to regret it if you are stuck for childcare later and mil says no.

BringMeTea · 13/09/2014 08:35

Jesus. I remember your other threads. You and Dh really need to be disengaging with this narcissist. You really do.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen · 13/09/2014 08:51

Sounds like a great arrangement, if for any reason the grandmother can't have dc than would you be able to pay the playgroup for an afternoon space if say someone's of sick, or use another friend for a couple of hours?

I don't need to comment on your mil. You KNOW she's not in your family's side.

UncleT · 13/09/2014 08:57

Whaaaaaat's this about a cardboard cut-out of FIL at a wedding?? This I have to read!

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 13/09/2014 08:57

Dh has spoken to mil re the childcare, and put it to her that since she is losing her retirement to looking after other peoples children (her words) this is a much better arrangement all round.

She is still going to have dd in the holidays, or when the other lady can't, for any reason (as long as she has reasonable notice)

Dd's playschool is morning only, but as mil has always refused to have dd if she has so much as a cold, I will do what I have always done and take the day off work.

Fortunately I have an understanding boss!

OP posts:
HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen · 13/09/2014 09:07

Sorted then she's still,batshit though

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 13/09/2014 09:11

Sorry, put the first update on the wrong thread.

Yeah, all sorted, although she has upset dh a bit by saying that if she is doing any babysitting on the holiday it will be for sil, as her child is too young for kids clubs, and 'they deserve a bit of couple time' Grin

OP posts:
morerogermore · 13/09/2014 09:15

Mil sounds horrible. Cut her out of the equation! Also she does live too far away. Don't worry. Make a nice glittery card from your DD and send to MiL, possibly with some flowers/chocs and message about thank you for all the hours she's put in.

The paedophile thing is just a red herring -- she's jealous another granny is coming in to do her job. Send her a card confirming she is the one and only true special gran and showing your appreciation, despite sticking to your guns over things changing now.

ohfourfoxache · 13/09/2014 09:38

On the plus side, at least you know it isn't just you and DH she has it in for

Whocansay · 13/09/2014 10:17

I would stop relying on her for any childcare at all. She's clearly going to play all kinds of games, cancelling at the last minute, etc, so it will be far easier just to leave her out of the loop.

I'm loving the outrage over the new granny! Is that bad?

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 13/09/2014 10:37

She has said some terrible things about dd's little friend, and her brother, who is a year older, so she must be seriously pissed about their gran having dd i imagine.

Mainly about her friend being 'stunted' (she is quite small for her age) and her brother being non verbal for about 14 months after the parents were killed.

Lovely woman at times my mil. Sad

OP posts:
WitchWay · 13/09/2014 10:46

She's a cow to be so nasty about those poor bereaved children & their lovely granny Sad Angry

Excellent news about the flaunting of Sandra however Grin

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 13/09/2014 10:54

They are lovely children too. The little girl was only a few months old, so has no recollection really, but the little boy was about 2.5, and talks about them a lot. Their nan, my friend, is amazing with them, she puts me to shame with the amount of stuff she does with them.

Dd came home yesterday with a Papier Mache pig money box they'd made. I am soo tempted to put it on Facebook and tag my friend in it with a little thank you, but i won't, because i am not a bitch most of the time

OP posts:
MyLegIsHaunted · 13/09/2014 13:03

Your friend sounds lovely, those kids are so lucky to have a granny like that after such a tragedy.

Your MIL sounds grim Sad I hope she doesn't ruin your wedding/holiday with her behaviour, hopefully she's pulled her head in by then.

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