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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my DH can't/won't do the washing up?

160 replies

IceBeing · 21/08/2014 00:42

I work full time but he always assumes it is my job...admittedly it was my job when DD was tiny and it took hours to settle her to sleep. But now it takes 5 mins....

I have been ill for the last four days and didn't make it into work Mon-Wed but somehow it would seem I am still expected to be the one doing the washing up. I haven't been down stairs all day and just made a raid on the fridge for milk in an attempt to stem the nausea and discovered that the reason he took DD out for dinner wasn't so much that he wanted to treat her and give me space, as that every single item of cutlery, crockery etc is piled up dirty all over the kitchen.

So AIBU to think that when I get well enough to go to work as well as tackling my work backlog I really shouldn't also have to tackle the washing up mountain?

OP posts:
WaltJesseMikeGus · 21/08/2014 00:47

Because complaining on an Internet forum is going to help how?

Speak to your husband. Have a conversation. Both come to a compromise.

ICanSeeTheSun · 21/08/2014 00:47

Dont do them, I would ask him why all the dishes have been used and not washed up.

then give him 2 choices he either washes them all up, drys and put them away or you will throw the whole lot out and he can out of his free spends replaces them.

Ibizatime · 21/08/2014 00:50

Tell me about it, dp is currently a student whilst I'm working full time.

I'm sorry but Im not going to work all day whilst you sit on your arse since it's summer and then come home to last nights, breakfast and lunch washing up. I think not!

Sit him down and let him know that its not your responsibility and he needs to pitch 50% if your both working.

MEN!

Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 00:59

I have actually tried talking to him...but it doesn't seem to go through.
I told him on Monday night that if I'm to ill to work I am too ill to do housework....he nodded and agreed but it hasn't changed anything.

I also tried the just not doing it approach and he just takes DD out for food all the time and expects me to clean up enough to cook us dinner when I get home from work.

He is a SAHP and doesn't work at all. He spends most of his evening programming as his hobby.

OP posts:
Mordirig · 21/08/2014 01:01

Because he is an Arse.

HTH

Get paper plates.

Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 01:03

think of the environment!

Although we did do that for a while....probably last time I got this sick!

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 21/08/2014 01:06

IceBeing, every time i watch 19 kids and counting Mother Dugger is forever using disposables.

D0oinMeCleanin · 21/08/2014 01:06

I once piled all of ex's dirty plates, cutlery and clothes on "his" seat on the sofa.

I told him he must deal with them before sitting down. He moved them back to the floor. I binned them.

He didn't learn.

He is now an ex. I am so much happier in my life, despite the fact that his family and friends think am I Lucifer's first born for binning his precious England shirt.

I'm not saying LTB, I think that's dished out on MN a bit too freely, but if he cannot think of you as an equal, perhaps it's time to deal out some ultimatums.

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2014 01:06

I'm sorry but he's taking the fucking piss big time

He's a SAHP and he'd rather spend unnecessary money taking his daughter out to dinner, rather than wash up and cook??

What sort of message is that sending to her?

And why has he been able to get away with it thus far?

Poofus · 21/08/2014 01:07

Does he do other housework?

Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 01:22

I do my laundry but he does his and DD's. He vacuums maybe once every two weeks while DD is out at nursery (she only goes 1 morning a week).

He cleans the toilets if we have people visiting.....erm...

I usually sort the bins etc. I tidy up all the toys when I think DD can't actually play any more because of the clutter. I do the garden.

The thing is that I just KNOW what he will say if I challenge him on this...he will say that he couldn't spend any time in the kitchen while DD was sleeping because he wouldn't be able to hear her if she cried and he couldn't rely on me to go to her in case I was too ill.....so he just had to stay in the living room, where he can hear her, all evening programming.....

OP posts:
Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 01:23

He gets away with it because I am so pathetically grateful to him for being SAHP and giving DD a carer she could bond to when I was loopy with PND....that and many many other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 01:26

You know I could cope if it wasn't for two things that absolutely boil my piss.

  1. weetabix bowls. If I eat weetabix I wash out the bowl the moment I am done. He leaves them all day so that when I come to clean up I have rock hard ex-sludge to deal with.
  1. movicol packets. DD has a sachet of movicol everyday to deal with chronic constipation issues. DH usually makes up the drink but I have thrown away every single packet. WHY is it so hard to put the empty sachet in the bin that is about 20 cm away from the counter he is preparing the drink on? WHHHHYYYYY?????
OP posts:
D0oinMeCleanin · 21/08/2014 01:29

Hmm. My ex once "couldn't" wash up, because we dog sat my parents bull lurcher.

Biscuit yes, the big, bad viscous dog that kept him pinned to the sofa for 12 hours was known as Biscuit wouldn't let him leave the room.

He never did clarify what he meant after I showed him Biscuit licking my cat.

Does he was up other days or is this just one in a long line of excuses?

Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 01:37

He washes up the odd spoon and plate here and there. And maybe does a meals worth about once a month....while I am out doing the weekly shop with DD.

Honestly he is pretty good really...its just the washing up...and the movicol packets....

If we got a dishwasher and...erm...some sort of automated robotic sachet disposing machine then I would be living the dream!

OP posts:
Oneeyedbloke · 21/08/2014 02:42

Loads of people will disagree with me but I don't think a dishwasher would be the answer:

  1. They don't cope very well with dried-on Weetabix and the like
  2. As they age, they start to leave film & sticky crap over your dishes & especially glasses
  3. Someone still has to load 'em & unload 'em. Before you know it, you'll be going mad because he refuses to do one or the other.
  4. It won't change the basic issue, which is his mess-blindness.
Seems to me you have 2 options: either accept he's rubbish at doing the dishes, so balance the housework load by getting him to do more of something else, eg washing, which he already does some of. Or, slug it out over the washing-up.

As a (male) veteran of many a housework argument, my bet is, his mind is not only not focused on the mess, it's focused on far more important matters - in his opinion - like programming. Worse, if you dig your heels in, he will start feeling resentful that you're dragging attention back to what he sees as a trivial, prosaic matter. I bet he wants you to see it his way, too: stop freaking out about it, what does it matter compared to important stuff like childcare & programming? And you're going to have to say, yes it's relatively unimportant - but why should that mean YOU are stuck with it? I'd rule out his 'shopping instead of clearing up' option straight away: who can afford to eat takeaway or packet food that often? And how is it healthy? Agree on what tasks are 'important' and what's 'not so important', then suggest alternate weeks where one of you gets to deal with high-importance stuff while the other cops the low-level stuff, then vice versa. Then maybe he'll begin to see for himself how the 'trivial' washing-up suddenly becomes a big deal when it means you can't eat your next meal, can't feed your child.

Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 02:47

I think you are right about the dishwasher...also we don't have space!

Yes I think it is a nothing job on his list of things to worry about.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 21/08/2014 03:14

Some people just don't see what needs to be done. My DP never throws away empty packets of anything. And when serving beans will always leave a spoonful in the pan which he neither fills with hot water nor washes. But he does get kids ready for school and give dog her morning walk which I worth a lot.

ithoughtofitfirst · 21/08/2014 03:17

We've all been wiped out with the same tummy bug the last week. Only one of us has still been cleaning and washing dishes etc

It's really disappointing.

Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 03:23

That sounds like a nightmare! At least we have been lucky enough to have it in series rather than parallel.

Hope you are all better now.

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 21/08/2014 04:00

Thankfully it was staggered and I was last! But I'll still be doing the dishes Grin

Hope you feel better soon too x

Tikimon · 21/08/2014 04:57

Yeah, there's no such thing as "mess blindness". I have adhd and messes happen quickly and get overwhelming quickly. Which means if I don't do dishes that day, they don't get done. Ever. Until DH steps up and does them all or down to a manageable amount.

It's more the mess is so overwhelming it's hard to figure out how to start and break it down into chunk. You get that mixed with apathy and lack of motivation and messes don't get cleaned.

That said, don't let him off the hook. I finally have a habit of doing quick sweeps of the house and it only takes 5 minutes each day to do dishes, if even that. If I can manage a system, he certainly can.

DizzyKipper · 21/08/2014 08:21

You have my sympathy, my DH also very rarely does the washing up. His excuse is he used to be a kitchen porter and has done his lifetime's worth of washing up - he really hates it. I can understand and sympathise with that (to an extent), but it doesn't mean I always want to be the one doing it either. Seriously, who does like washing up?

In your situation I would get tough and tell him he HAD to wash up everything that's been piling up whilst you've been ill, it is absolutely not fair that he's left it to accumulate ready for you when you're better again. I'd be livid actually. Long term he needs to pitch in, will he do it if you ask ie. tell him to?

YouTheCat · 21/08/2014 09:00

He isn't 'quite good really'! He's shite. Tell him what needs doing.

My dp does more and he works full time.

Imbroglio · 21/08/2014 09:13

Washing up needs to be a routine so people just do it at a set time.

Straight after dinner works best in our house during term time. I cook - kids wash up. Holidays it all seems to go to pot because I expect the children to do more of the cooking.

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