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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why my DH can't/won't do the washing up?

160 replies

IceBeing · 21/08/2014 00:42

I work full time but he always assumes it is my job...admittedly it was my job when DD was tiny and it took hours to settle her to sleep. But now it takes 5 mins....

I have been ill for the last four days and didn't make it into work Mon-Wed but somehow it would seem I am still expected to be the one doing the washing up. I haven't been down stairs all day and just made a raid on the fridge for milk in an attempt to stem the nausea and discovered that the reason he took DD out for dinner wasn't so much that he wanted to treat her and give me space, as that every single item of cutlery, crockery etc is piled up dirty all over the kitchen.

So AIBU to think that when I get well enough to go to work as well as tackling my work backlog I really shouldn't also have to tackle the washing up mountain?

OP posts:

vanillavelvet · 21/08/2014 13:33

Ok, a can see a dishwasher isn't a popular solution for some people. BUT it really worked for us. My DH also has some sort of aversion to washing dishes. It just seems to be something he really dislikes/ can't be bothered doing. It was driving me nuts...

But then we got a dishwasher. And, although he has his aversion to washing dishes, he's fine loading and unloading the dishwasher .

Now I just need to tackle the vacuuming. I hear those robot vacuum cleaners are pretty good

YouTheCat · 21/08/2014 13:35

Sounds like OP's dh has an aversion to do anything much though. I wonder what his excuse will be once their child is in nursery?

Topseyt · 21/08/2014 13:57

Remember, if you take out a cupboard to make space for a dishwasher you are not necessarily losing cupboard space, because a dishwasher is rather like a cupboard which swallows up a lot of mess which would otherwise be around the kitchen/in the sink etc.

I can't believe he is a SAHP but does no washing up!! Even if you don't want to get a dishwasher, he just needs to wash up after himself and your daughter whenever they have eaten. Do it more or less as you go along and it only takes a short time. Let it build up to the proportions he has and it becomes a daunting task.

A three year old is hardly a newborn and most are perfectly capable of making themselves heard if they want or need to.

zipzap · 21/08/2014 14:09

For the immediate problem - getting this pile of washing up done - I'd say that you are - just - well enough to listen out for your dd and will be able to call him as soon as she cries out in her sleep.
That removes his excuse of not being able to be in the kitchen and so hopefully he will then do the dishes.
Have you told him in single syllable words that he needs to do these dishes, that you are still feeling I'll and seeing them there made you feel worse, they are turning into a health hazard and just because he doesn't like washing up it doesn't mean that the washing up fairy is going to come and wave her magic wand, particularly as you she is ill at the moment. And that he is the one that needs to wash them - sooner rather than later because you're not going to do his job for him.

And pre-empt him by pointing out that you know he wants to play at his programming but tough, we'd all love to waft through life without having to tidy or clean but it doesn't work like that.

Hope that you're better soon (although if you have a d&v bug I'd point out that you shouldn't be doing this in case you contaminate the clean dishes so you really really can't do then) and that your dh mans up to do the dishes before your return to health!

OwlinaTree · 21/08/2014 17:12

I don't mind doing dishes in the scheme of household tasks. But to leave it all for someone who is ill is really mean. It should be done daily, then it's not an onerous task.

Tell him he needs to wash up, and that he is being mean to leave it all for you. You will listen out for the 3 year old while he gets on with it. Then remind him every day you are ill to wash up before bed or whatever. It's good to encourage at a set time, then it becomes a habit.

OwlinaTree · 21/08/2014 17:14

Sorry, cross posts! Has he done the dishes yet?

Thurlow · 21/08/2014 17:26

Completely off topic I know, but I'm sitting here trying to picture how losing a cupboard that is currently full of either crockery, pans or food and putting in a dishwasher instead still means there is somewhere to put all the stuff (because a dishwasher is rather like a cupboard which swallows up a lot of mess which would otherwise be around the kitchen/in the sink etc) Should we then leave the crockery just out on the side

(Not having a pop at anyone, just as the 'proud' owner of a kitchen so small that there isn't even room for the fridge, let alone a dishwasher, I know that there really are some kitchens where you just can't fit a dishwasher in unless it was standing on its own as a centrepiece in the dining room )

I'd just tell him to do the washing up, rather than talking around the topic. If it's something that has come up because you are ill, then I'd just say "please, I am really poorly, could you do the washing up today?"

LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/08/2014 17:28

He is massively taking the piss and setting a terrible example for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up and think that just because she is a female she has to do all the work. Firstly stop being grateful that he is looking after his own daughter. Then tell him that he needs to shape up or ship out.

Phineyj · 21/08/2014 17:38

Another vote for a dishwasher. Get the shiniest most complicated looking one available. It will need...programming! DH loves our dishwasher so much I am not actually allowed to fill it as I 'do it wrong'

OnlyLovers · 21/08/2014 19:50

Seriously, fuck all this about getting him into the habit, buying him a nice shiny dishwasher that he can do his programming on and thus be mollified at having to do housework.

Why pander to him? (Not to mention patronise him). He just needs to get over himself and do the fucking dishes.

YouTheCat · 21/08/2014 19:53

Ice, has he done the dishes yet?

1sneezecakesmum · 21/08/2014 19:58

Men usually like machinery so a dishwasher might be an incentive!

I remember being a SAHM and doing mountains of washing up at 7:30 every night. Back aching, tired and exhausted after a long day with the kids. A dishwasher saved my life!

If you take out a cupboard you can replace it with a wall cupboard. We did

WitchWay · 21/08/2014 20:12

The only time my DH uses the dishwasher is when I'm away. Otherwise he moves dirty stuff near to it & leaves it for me DS is the same

WineWineWine · 21/08/2014 20:29

He gets away with it because I am so pathetically grateful to him for being SAHP and giving DD a carer she could bond to when I was loopy with PND....that and many many other things.
All of which are things that husbands/wives/partners do for each other out of love. They don't need repaying.
You should be working together as a team, to get things done.

I would get a dishwasher because it will ease tension. It's not pandering, it's reducing the workload.
But I would also tell him that you need him to do the washing up. It is completely unacceptable that he has left it all this time and he has to clear it himself. No excuses.

Chunderella · 21/08/2014 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 21/08/2014 20:46

Take away his mouse and Bury it under the pile.

Childish but may give a chuckle

Chunderella · 21/08/2014 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh · 21/08/2014 21:01

There are a few posters asking about jobs for teenagers.

Get someone in to do it, perfect job for a teenager. Oh and don't you have a baby monitor he could take in to the kitchen?

Original poster

IceBeing · 21/08/2014 21:46

We never had a baby monitor....ohh no. We had a complex system involving a microphone and two separate computers and a router. Some link in this scheme broke down about 6 months ago...so, well, ya know.

So... I did the washing up. Fever finally broke and I was feeling much better but it was too late to get to work sensibly.

I didn't do the crudey weetabix bowls....hence when it came to dinner time, I came down and found him and DD sharing soup out of a pyrex. I asked why he was doing that and he pointed out there were no clean bowls. I pointed out there would be clean bowls if he washed them. He pointed out there was no chance for him to do that over the last 2 days. I pointed out that washing up breakfast bowls is a 10 second job if you do it right after breakfast. He said he couldn't believe I was being pissed at him given he had toothache.

So that's where we are. A big pile of concrete hard yet curiously mouldy weetabix bowls and me in the dog house.

I have determined to solve the movicol sachet angst by making up the medicine myself. It takes all of 30 seconds and zero rage involved.

I just saw a comedy sketch in which the main thrust was domestic rage of women at men who put rubbish near to bins and washing up near to the dish washer....so I guess this is a pretty universal complaint! And I'm sure it isn't always female to male either!

OP posts:

WitchWay · 21/08/2014 22:07

I have determined to solve the movicol sachet angst by making up the medicine myself. It takes all of 30 seconds and zero rage involved.

This is now your job

In the way that washing up, cooking, cleaning, ironing, food-shopping etc etc are now my jobs

LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/08/2014 22:16

It's not a universal complaint if you don't put up with this shit. Stop expecting so little. As your daugher grows older what impression will this make on her? Seriously, stop putting up with it.

Original poster

IceBeing · 21/08/2014 22:45

Ha - my daughter loves 'helping' with the washing up.

In some ways this is what bugs me so much. DH says he can't clean with her around but she is happy to help me with housework....

But yes I totally agree, we need to set a better example for her.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 21/08/2014 22:48

Not we - he

He needs to set a better example and stop making stupid excuses. Does he think that a single parent will never be able to wash up because they have small children?

Oneeyedbloke · 22/08/2014 00:57

Wow, IceBeing, you sound far too nice for this man! After all this bollocks - including a completely outrageous attempt to turn the tables on you with the toothache thing, you still have a sense of humour!

It's too easy for everyone to say LTB or similar, you want to solve this one without tearing your household apart. But your OH needs civilising, and unfortunately it's practically always women's job to do that.

What would my DW do? She would have the row, but quietly. She would say to me, so you think that's fair, do you? Dishes are women's work?! What century do you come from? She would shame me into realising the error of my ways. The trick is not to go ape - though I'm sure you want to. Anger gives men something to rail back at. Calm is much more scary.

Tell him straight, I never thought you'd leave me to do the piled-up dishes when I was puking ill. I am disappointed in you, husband. I thought you'd behave better, and I'm really, really sad to have to adjust my expectations of you so far downwards. I may get over it, and I may not. Don't speak to me, I don't trust myself not to say something we'd both really regret right now. And then turn on your heel, calm as calm, expression as serious as fuck & out the door for a good long time, let him stew. And do the ruddy kitchen.

Inertia · 22/08/2014 09:15

I don't understand why you are making excuses for him. You are meant to be a team, couldn't you at least have tackled it together ?

Does he think you are malingering?

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