to wonder why my DH can't/won't do the washing up?

[IceBeing]

I work full time but he always assumes it is my job...admittedly it was my job when DD was tiny and it took hours to settle her to sleep. But now it takes 5 mins....

I have been ill for the last four days and didn't make it into work Mon-Wed but somehow it would seem I am still expected to be the one doing the washing up. I haven't been down stairs all day and just made a raid on the fridge for milk in an attempt to stem the nausea and discovered that the reason he took DD out for dinner wasn't so much that he wanted to treat her and give me space, as that every single item of cutlery, crockery etc is piled up dirty all over the kitchen.

So AIBU to think that when I get well enough to go to work as well as tackling my work backlog I really shouldn't also have to tackle the washing up mountain?

[lottiegarbanzo]

So washing up was part of your job as a SAHM but is not part of his as a SAHD.

You couldn't cope with childcare with a baby and PND, he is healthy and looking after a three yo.

Three is in most ways an easier, more fun, less tiring age for anyone to parent than with a baby.

Is it possible that you could cope with being a SAHP the way he performs the role? Would that thought make you feel less beholden?

If he was working FT in his 'dream job' - easier and less mentally tiring for him, enjoying it, than it is for you, finding it hard - would he pull his weight domestically and wash up?

It sounds as though he's taking out some resentment about his life and professional achievements, on you.

[SolidGoldBrass]

He is sexist, and a selfish loser with it. I bet he's spent his whole life blaming other people for his own failures and moaning that feminism has 'gone too far' because it's no longer OK for men to treat women as their inferiors - deep down he does think that domestic work is women's work, and that you should be awed and grateful that he's actually the SAHP but you mustn't push your luck by expecting him to do any housework as well.

While it's true that the SAHP's main job is the childcare, the SAHP generally does a bit more housework than the WOHP. Yours seems to think that because he's SUch A WOnderful Father (which he doesn't sound like much of one TBH) he should be excused domestic work. In case his cock falls off.

[IceBeing]

no really....he just doesn't like washing up I think.

I mean he does laundry....and hoovering...

[Darkesteyes]

YY Solid Testosterone explodes on contact with cereal bowls

[IceBeing]

Well as I am SURE you are all on the edge of your seats here is the washing up - update.

He did the manky stuff....

He then came upstairs saying he was going to do the rest but he just needed a 10 minute break.

He then watched an entire episode of some spy drama that apparently made him so upset that he just couldn't face anything else and has now gone to bed.

He claims he will finish the washing up tomorrow while I am at the shops with DD.

I want a medal for not lolling at the idea of needing a break after washing up for 30 mins.

[Darkesteyes]

Oh for the love of Christ

[IceBeing]

I solved a mystery today....which really I should have been able to work out before.

About once every 3 or 4 days we will be sitting peacefully in the living room and there will be a sudden clatter from somewhere else in the house that we can't work out what it is.

Well yesterday while rummaging for lunch I happened to be in the kitchen when this happened!

The lid off one of DD's tippy cups blew off.

The reason this happened is that it had gone off milk in it. DD having milk at bedtimes is a new thing since I had to quit BFing to go on antiDs. And rather than take the sippy cup down stairs and emptying and washing out straight off, DH just leaves them near the sink. Normally this is fine because I find them and wash them. But obviously this one didn't get done while I was ill and hence built up pressure and blew its lid. The reason we kept hearing it from around the house before is that sometimes the cups don't even make it down the stairs at all...and get left all over the place in hidden corners....

DH made the medicine up tonight so I am heading downstairs fully prepared to discover that he has once again failed to find the bin 30 cm from where he is standing....

[Darkesteyes]

FFS He is treating you with contempt OP Im sorry but these things are coming across as deliberate.

Its too much to simply be a coincidence.

[YouTheCat]

Omg he's a lazy shit. I have never heard of someone being too tired to finish washing up. Even when I tore a calf muscle, I managed to stand long enough to wash the dishes.

As to the gone off milk left all over - that is a health hazard and is absolutely minging.

[IceBeing]

oh! an error has occurred!

I couldn't see the sachet! This was so utterly confounding to me that I actually looked in the bin to confirm the miracle had happened....and it wasn't in there either!

solve one mystery and another takes its place.....

[IceBeing]

you ahh but you are presumably imagining washing up in the form of filling up a bowl with hot soapy water and then washing things and rinsing right?

This is not DH's way....

He takes each item separately, adds a little washing up liquid then scrubs it under a running tap.

This is genuinely quite strenuous with respect to the sane way of doing it....

[IceBeing]

The milk is minging indeed. frothy and bubbly and weirdly solid. Part of the problem is that he is heating it a little by adding hot water to it...so it goes off super quick....but obviously this is not actually a hard problem to solve.

[YouTheCat]

If he wants to make it more arduous than it is, that is his problem though. It still doesn't absolve him from responsibility.

[YouTheCat]

None of it is hard to solve. He just needs to stop behaving like a student... a really mucky student.

[IceBeing]

you know what - I am going on a trawl....make sure that when he does the washing up tomorrow morning it includes all the random plates and cups he has left all over the house!

[Darkesteyes]

If i had to micro manage someone to this degree i would lose all respect for them and it would be over.

[Suzannewithaplan]

This ineptitude with housework is I fear often not a conscious and deliberate act, instead it is born of a deeply held belief which is cemented into the foundation of his psyche.
The belief that such things are women's work.

[HavanaSlife]

Well let's hope your dd doesn't find one in a corner somewhere and take a swig, yack

He really is a lazy fucker, there's no excuse for it. Upset after watching a program ffs

[SolidGoldBrass]

Ice, sorry, but this behaviour of his is abusive. It's designed to force you into doing all the housework, because he has a penis, which makes him special and superior. It's not that he 'doesn't see' the jobs that need to be done. It's not because DD demands all of his attention, all day. It's because he has a penis, and you do not, and therefore the washing up is your responsibility and you have to be trained to understand that even though you are the wage earner, you are still his inferior and must obey and indulge your master.

[puntasticusername]

Eurgh, so I was right and the Revels remain mine. It's a hollow victory though

Remind us, what redeeming features does this man have?

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

A prime example of the triple burden here. Sad times

[NickNackNooToYou]

He sounds a right catch, lucky you OP

[Humansatnav]

Op your husband is an arse of the highest order.

[petalsandstars]

I have come to blows with my DH over his laziness re housework before and he is not as bad as this.

I think you need the argument - he either pulls his weight properly or gets a job. End of. Even if it only just covers childcare he wouldn't be able to reason that you do everything else in the home when he sits on his arse.