Sorry for gap in posts, been on a few days' holiday. And sorry in advance for such a long, navel-gazing post.
Can I just say in my defence that there's never been a time when I did no housework. My difficulties with it stemmed from my perception that it was becoming overwhelming, that no matter how much housework got done, there would always be something else, either routine washing, hoovering, dishes, bathroom cleaning, or DIY-type repairs & improvements.
Looking back on it, we were both experiencing a big squeeze on our free time as childcare and the very necessary tasks of altering & redecorating a house kicked in over a few years. Plus shiftwork involving lots of nights, weekends & earlies, with hours that could change at short notice. Basically, I went from someone with loads of free time to someone with none, over about 2 years, and it depressed me because I couldn't see a way out & it was so unlike what I'd imagined being a parent would be like. Of course my OH was experiencing a similar loss of free time but I'm willing to bet she was more clued up about what motherhood would be like because women tend to talk to each other realistically, whereas men tend either not to talk, or talk bollocks about stuff like parenting.
In no way did I ever think I was asserting male privilege; on the contrary I was determined to 'pull my weight' and make things equal. What I had to accept was that actions speak louder than words. It wasn't a question of me sitting on my arse and flat refusing to do anything, it was more of a struggle to define how much housework was enough, and who was entitled to make that judgement (we still don't agree on some aspects, though I think we've found a lot of common ground; my OH is happy to start doing DIY at 10pm; I just can't stomach that).
So it's not that I think my OH literally creates housework, or that I ever think it is none of my concern. It's at least as much a question of who thinks about it, who plans. In the realm of housework, I've spent years being an Assistant Parent, willing to do what my limited sense of equality required, willing to do what I'm asked. But my OH was fed up being the one who not only still did more housework but thought more housework: I was letting her shoulder the decision-making.
If I'm honest I did sometimes think she inflicted housework on me; she was angry and that was an obvious way to retaliate. And the questions of how much, and when, remain. I still sometimes think, how come she gets to decide that certain chores will be done NOW? I don't mean obvious stuff like the kitchen, more like tidying, reorganisation, gardening, chuck-outs, jobs that could wait a bit, come second to more enjoyable activities. But no, she gets the itch, we've all got to pitch in. The added dimension of teenagers makes for a heady mix of emotion and domestic & sexual politics.
Here's another way of putting the whole problem as I experienced it - and I believe many men see it similarly, including perhaps IceBeing's OH: you consider yourself an enlightened man, aligned with feminist ideals; you cook, wash, shop, clean, you reckon you're doing your bit in the home. But your OH clearly doesn't; she's still pissed off. What's your next move?
I've definitely overthought housework; by far the most important thing is to Just Do It. And I don't believe I'd ever take the kids out to eat and leave a heap of dishes for my ill OH. But imho her demand for equality of contemplation gets right to the heart of the matter. No-one wants to feel they've been left with the 'minor' responsibilities while their supposed life partner occupies his mind with higher matters. You can't have an equal partnership if one of you is always the one thinking 'What'll we have for dinner tomorrow? Has little one got clean school shirts?' while the other is in Pause or Hobby or Intellectual mode, or even Assistant mode. I suppose this is what I mean by 'childish' - the irresponsible, I-don't-have-to-think attitude that children enjoy, and adults have to let go.