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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my DH can't/won't do the washing up?

160 replies

IceBeing · 21/08/2014 00:42

I work full time but he always assumes it is my job...admittedly it was my job when DD was tiny and it took hours to settle her to sleep. But now it takes 5 mins....

I have been ill for the last four days and didn't make it into work Mon-Wed but somehow it would seem I am still expected to be the one doing the washing up. I haven't been down stairs all day and just made a raid on the fridge for milk in an attempt to stem the nausea and discovered that the reason he took DD out for dinner wasn't so much that he wanted to treat her and give me space, as that every single item of cutlery, crockery etc is piled up dirty all over the kitchen.

So AIBU to think that when I get well enough to go to work as well as tackling my work backlog I really shouldn't also have to tackle the washing up mountain?

OP posts:
1sneezecakesmum · 21/08/2014 09:14

Dishwasher. Dishwasher. Dishwasher! Take out a cupboard if necessary to make room for it.

My dishwasher is years old and washes perfectly. Takes a couple of minutes to load as you go through the day and DH should be able to do this too. I unload it as I'm waiting for my tea to brew in the morning and don't even notice doing it!

Hideous memories of mountains of washing up greasy manky plates and pots Shock

Tackle the lazy bastard aspect when you feel better and don't let him get away with not pulling his weight.

icklekid · 21/08/2014 09:20

Dishwasher not the answer- dh leaves a bowl, plate and mug on the side above the dishwasher every morning! At least he fills porridge bowl with water so isn't stuck on. I do wonder why it is so hard to open said dishwasher!

YouTheCat · 21/08/2014 09:37

Who do you think would be expected to load and unload a dishwasher? I'd bet it would be the husband.

The man needs telling to get on with it.

YouTheCat · 21/08/2014 09:37

*wouldn't

whatsagoodusername · 21/08/2014 10:13

I think I'd try Oneeyedbloke's approach.

And get a baby monitor so he can hear DD from the kitchen. That's a rubbish excuse.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/08/2014 10:37

the reason he took DD out for dinner wasn't so much that he wanted to treat her and give me space, as that every single item of cutlery, crockery etc is piled up dirty all over the kitchen

Wow. He is too good for menial work then? How old is DD? You have years of this ahead of you if you let him carry on.

Suzannewithaplan · 21/08/2014 10:41

I don't know what the answer is, I seethed for years struggling with these issues.
His belief that housework is women's work was unshakable, I now live alone, so very relaxing, without all that seething.

I intend to never ever co habit again.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 21/08/2014 11:19

OP, stay strong, don't do the washing up! Put a giant sign on the sink saying "DO THE WASHING UP!!" - then he can't claim he just didn't notice it. It's massively unfair that he's still expecting you to wash up when you're poorly, and it's utterly ridiculous that he's taken to eating out for every meal rather than wash up!

Crinkle77 · 21/08/2014 11:41

I would seriously kick his arse. Why on earth does he think that is acceptable?

Crinkle77 · 21/08/2014 11:47

Also buy a baby monitor or something then he has got no excuse to say he can't hear your daughter

scarletforya · 21/08/2014 11:52

I wouldn't wash dishes either! It's a job for a machine not a human being.

If you a machine then you can move that elsewhere and put a dishwasher it's place. (If you have a downstairs loo, you can remove the sink and plumb the washing machine into the sink pipes! -handy trick!)

A dishwasher is a necessity.

Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 11:53

oh dear...posting on AIBU in the middle of the night is like sending drunken texts....I feel terrible now.

I bet if I asked him there are at least a few things that I do/don't do that drive him totally crazy too.

Obviously we should actually have that chat and air things out....but I think I will wait till I'm well. And not so rageful.

DD is 3yo for those who asked.

OP posts:
scarletforya · 21/08/2014 11:54

Should read *if you have a washing machine then you can move that elsewhere!

Also slimline dishwashers are available too.

cherrybombxo · 21/08/2014 12:05

I've actually caught my DP slurping yoghurt out of the carton and eating soup out of the pot with a serving spoon, rather than wish a dish. He uses them all over the space of two days (a new plate EVERY time he makes a slice of toast?) and then refuses to wash a fork when asked. I've tried just not doing them, being polite when asking, being rude, shouting at him, acting like a simpering fool who'd be ever so grateful if he'd just do it... nothing. Some days I could cheerfully punch him in the face.

Original poster
IceBeing · 21/08/2014 12:12

I really do like the idea of converting our downstairs loo into a mini-utility room! We use it like once a month if that.

OP posts:
Suzannewithaplan · 21/08/2014 12:26

The problem is that the person who cares the least about having a tidy orderly clean house has the most power.

wowfudge · 21/08/2014 12:31

I think you need to specify he needs to do the washing OP - not just that you are too unwell to do the housework.

And do get a dishwasher. They do work, they can cope with dried on all sorts, not just weetabix and they are somewhere to put all the dirty stuff until it is full and you switch it on so your kitchen isn't clogged with dirty dishes.

Fairenuff · 21/08/2014 12:34

He's just an arse. Sorry, you got a bad 'un there Sad

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/08/2014 12:43

Sorry but I also think you are married to an inconsiderate d##k.

Remove the router or essential cordage from computer. Return in exchange for a clean kitchen.

Alfazema77 · 21/08/2014 12:43

If you share all the other chores and this is the only one that's totally your responsibility, than he should share this one toom, and take it over 100 %when you're unwell.

I can't help wondering what all these "I'm-too-busy-and-important-to-wash-up-ever" guys would do if they were living on their own??? Have a skivvy come every day to wash up?? Use plastic plates and cutlery all the time??

YouTheCat · 21/08/2014 12:49

Your child is 3 so why is he saying he can't wash up in case she cries?

The bottom line is you've been ill enough to be stuck in bed. He's let the washing up mount up to the point where there are no clean things. He's not a student. He's an adult and he needs to start pulling his weight.

whois · 21/08/2014 12:52

If it was a choice between being the one person who does all the washing up, and the person who does the dishwasher unloading and loading - I know what I would prefer! Takes much less time to load/unload the dishwasher than it does to wash up.

scarletforya · 21/08/2014 12:55

Ice, it's really easy. Take the sink off, and put the washing machine there.

Then put a dishwasher where the washing machine used to be. I did this in a previous house and it was so much better.

I know your DH will still be lazy but you won't care as much!

OnlyLovers · 21/08/2014 13:02

He needs his arse kicked.

Tell him 'Do the fucking washing-up. It's not exclusively my job and it certainly isn't when I'm ill.' Tell him until he does it. Then tell him, if you need to, every time he doesn't do it.

Suggestions about getting a dishwasher/using paper plates/him having 'mess blindness' can fuck off. Why enable the lazy git?

I am so pathetically grateful to him for being SAHP. You need to get over that. Do you think he'd be 'pathetically grateful' if you were the SAHP?

HazleNutt · 21/08/2014 13:32

She's 3 and he says he can't be in the kitchen just in case she cries? Surely an average 3-year old can simply get out of bed and yell if she needs something?

My DH is SAHP. We have a dishwasher and I have not operated it, not once. Really, it's not like you're expecting him to scrub the floor with a toothbrush every day - washing up after himself and your DD is the bare minimum.

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