to wonder why my DH can't/won't do the washing up?

[IceBeing]

I work full time but he always assumes it is my job...admittedly it was my job when DD was tiny and it took hours to settle her to sleep. But now it takes 5 mins....

I have been ill for the last four days and didn't make it into work Mon-Wed but somehow it would seem I am still expected to be the one doing the washing up. I haven't been down stairs all day and just made a raid on the fridge for milk in an attempt to stem the nausea and discovered that the reason he took DD out for dinner wasn't so much that he wanted to treat her and give me space, as that every single item of cutlery, crockery etc is piled up dirty all over the kitchen.

So AIBU to think that when I get well enough to go to work as well as tackling my work backlog I really shouldn't also have to tackle the washing up mountain?

I was hoping he'd cotton on to how unreasonable he'd been.

There's an imbalance here and he's done rather well out of it. You seem to do a lot on top of working. I don't think vacuuming once every fortnight is exactly back breaking and he's at home all day with DD yet only cleans loos when visitors are due...?

In addition I'm sorry but when one person is ill, normal who-does-what 'rules' are suspended. Adjustments are made.

Really sad to hear how things have turned out, it's really not on Ice. I like Oneeyedbloke's advice, it really does need sorting.

Just ask him why he feels you have to work so much harder and contribute so much more to the relationship.

Through most of this I have been feeling like a total cow. However, yesterday evening I was feeling much better...I was alert and catching up on work. Watching a little iplayer etc. So absolutely no reason that DH should feel unable to go in the kitchen...

And the mouldy weetabix bowls are all still there this morning.

I know this because I am stuck at home waiting for a lift into work (inner ear still playing up so I don't feel safe to drive) which I was promised about 3 hours ago and which has failed to materialise because DD didn't want to get dressed or have breakfast and most of all didn't want to go to nursery. So now both DH and DD are at nursery and I am still stuck at home.

I lost my Mum recently and have been feeling like there is noone left in the world who cares what happens to me without her....and DH always protests that this isn't true. But here I am.....

A baby monitor would solve the 'not hearing did' problem.

He is behaving unacceptably. Fuck the toothache. Has no one ever washed up despite feeling unwell before?

Oneeyedbloke talks a lot of sense.

Ah, a clear case of not reading the thread.

Your DH is being selfish, lazy, deliberately disorganised so as to reduce potential demands upon him, complacent, manipulative and demonstrating contempt for you and your time.

That may all be habit he's slipped into and could snap out of, or there may be more to it.

I'm in your DHs position, a SAHP who studies in the evenings and a bit at the weekend, as an interesting but non-renumerative hobby. No-one is 'pathetically grateful' to me, I think DP is rather envious sometimes.

We divide most housework quite evenly, as we did pre-dd but I keep things ticking over during the day - dishes and laundry. That seems fair to me and puts me in a far better, freer, more autonomous position than most SAHMs.

He obviously resents that he has to do any some of the housework on top of looking after your daughter. And I say "looking after" loosely, if he basically just takes her out to eat (where, out of interest? healthy place or junk?) and then sits around on the computer. My guess is he knows how grateful you are, and plays up to it by persuading himself that he's doing you a massive favour not working, that you owe him big time etc, so any additional requirements (like washing up when the person who usually does it is in bed incapable of coming downstairs) he just sees as taking the absolute p*ss. He's wrong of course, but he's got himself into a self-pitying mindset, with a little internal monologue about how put-upon he is. And toothache too, ahhhh poor thing.

You need to sit him down when DD is in bed and tell him how unacceptable this is and how upsetting you found it that he couldn't even step up to the plate (hur hur) for a few days. Maybe you need to list out exactly what the two of you do in the house, so he can see that it's not actually all on his shoulders.

Try hiding random items under the dirty bowls. If he keeps finding his beloved ipad/phone amongst the dirty washing it may motivate him to wash them occasionally.

Have a frank discussion. Tell him if he continues to be lazy and not pulling his weight then he risks your relationship.

Elephants I think you may have put your finger on it. IceBeing, I feel for you, on the one hand it's quite trivial - washing-up, for goodness' sake - but on the other hand it's revealing of deeper issues. There's always so much more to these things than you can easily put on a MN thread.

The elephant in the room is that you had PND, how crap that must've been, and your DH kept the boat afloat one way or another while that was all going on, so he can't be a total bastard or eejit. And it was obviously good for DD that he was around lots during the early years, I wish I could've been with my lot.

But time spent looking after a 3yo girl isn't coal mining. I bet she's delightful - 3 is such a great age - so it wouldn't be fair of him, in any discussion of workload, to balance that off against true drudgery like washing crusty dishes. Sigh, I am very anti-dishwasher, I think they're a snare and a delusion, but I'm beginning to think it might work for you. Not that you can do crusty pans/bakeware in them anyway, damn them. The real reason I don't like them? They totally fudge the issue of who washes up, and the dishes are never put away properly!

But Elephants makes sense; it sounds as if your DH somehow thinks he's doing you all a favour by being a SAHP - and maybe you've agreed, or acquiesced? Not unreasonably, because you were going through a really stressy time and having him at home really did help?

In our house, my new-man offer to put my 'career' on hold to allow DW to go full steam ahead with hers (& she earned more per hour) was met with a loud laugh & the reply, 'Thank you darling, but if anyone's gonna do less work in this house, it's gonna be me!' And when my grievously wounded feelings recovered, I could see she was in the right. She already did more housework, and staying at home more, all other things being equal, is a prize - although paid for by shouldering more chores. Most of which aren't so terrible anyway, I really like pegging out big loads of bright, cheerful washing on a sunny day. I've found chores are only really irritating if you feel they're distracting you from stuff you'd rather be doing. So maybe DH is actually not 100% happy being SAHP any more, and needs to expand that hobby into a job?

What a lazy-arse. Seriously. So he was eating soup? What did he do for the three minutes while the soup was heating through? Scratch his nuts and stare at the wall, probably. What would you, or I, have done in that spare few minutes? Washed up a couple of cruddy cereal bowls, that's what. Didn't have time....I'm on your behalf, OP, for having such a useless OH.

I agree with Oneeyeds posts too. He is treating you with serious contempt OP He thinks washing up a couple of bowls is beneath him.

And im sorry about your mum. He couldnt even step up after youve had a bereavement. Very telling and speaks volumes all by itself.

So, what you do is this:
Wash just the dishes and cutlery you and your DD are going to eat from and give your OH his dinner on dirty plates. So he gets to eat a roast dinner, say on a plate with dried on curry.

Yanno I think in your shoes I would sit him down and tell him that it's obvious that this SAHD thing isn't working out and maybe he should be the one to get a job if he think that housework is not part of the deal and you'll quit work and be the SAHP.

ohhhh hoooooo. we have some sort of action. He just announced he was off to 'do the washing up you left for me' .

The real excitement will be in seeing if he does just the stuff I left or if he also washes up the plates from his dinner as well!

Anyone want to place a bet?

I bet you ten quid and a pack of Revels he does the bare minimum, extremely badly in the hope you won't ask him to do it again.

There is an imbalance in how we view each other's roles...in fact there are two. I value his child caring perhaps overly very because I couldn't cope with doing it at all. He doesn't value my work as being actual work because the job I do is his dream job and he imagines it is nothing but roses and a fun time had by all.

But there isn't very much choice about this. TBH while I am struggling with my depression medication I do wish I could switch with him but he wouldn't really be able to get my job with his current research record....so we are stuck with me doing a job I find tough and him feeling that parenting is keeping him from doing his dream job. He won't consider doing a different job...so we are where we are.

hmmmm revels....

The phrase "do the washing up YOU left for ME tells you that he DOES think its womens work OP.

My dh is 64 (im 41) and he doesnt think like this.

Interesting article which says that girls are inspired to more ambitious careers if their fathers do more chores around the home.

I won't do into the feminist politics of why it is better or worse for a girl to want to be an astronaut than a nurse, but it's interesting.

He really isn't at all sexist....he may think its my work not his but it isn't a female versus male thing.

So he's not generally sexist, it's just a personal vendetta against you?

That's not really any better, to be honest...