I need to take a deep breath and calm down because I refuse to be called a bridezilla

[PandaFeet]

I am typing on here to keep my thumbs from sending a text that will act like a nuclear bomb.

Getting married in 3 weeks. Hen night booked two months ago. Today one of the bridesmaids has decided she's not going, instead she's going out with her new flatmates. She is the grooms sister!!

As if that's not bad enough, she lied to me and said she couldn't get it off work. Ha! So even she knows that she's in the wrong, or else why lie.

I want to text her and ask why is she even being bridesmaid when she has no interest in the wedding, won't even go to the hen do.

I probably am being a bridezilla. But its hurtful and its hard enough organising everything without a bridesmaid of all people doing this so close to the wedding. And in her text message she's worded it so it sounds like we are even putting her out expecting her to go to the wedding. But if I even say anything I will end up being the one in the wrong, so I have to just grit my teeth and smile through it.

And breathe.

Hen dos - even non tacky, non ott expensive, meal and drinks type things, are different to normal nights out, because often some of the guests know each other from way back (perhaps related to bride/ old school friends) whilst others might only know the bride, nobody else (work friend or newish friend or sole invited member if groom's family). Would SIL know anyone except the bride? Maybe that's why she isn't keen to go to the hen do - possibly she's got cold feet when she realised everyone else would be old friends?

I think you've done absolutely the right thing in venting here in order that you can let it out and let it go. You seem (almost!) calm now.

I have wasted years trying to change people, get them to like me, want to be with me...people are as immutable as the tides. They are who they are and will do what they do. You can't argue someone into being a bit more like how you want them. The only behaviour you can change is your own. And accepting that brings great peace, particularly in the context of a wedding, when, lord knows, it's needed!

Others are right. If she came, and you knew it was under duress, it would preoccupy you all evening. This way, you know everyone there is there because they want to have a lovely time with you and wish you well.

At the wedding itself, just think of how happy it's making your MIL and DH that she's there, and playing a part. Try not to make it about you. That way you won't be constantly checking how happy/engaged she is or isn't!

Accept that - and this is hard - it may well be that she doesn't like you. Or at least not enough to believe she'd have a great evening with you without her brother there to broker. Your DH chose you; she didn't. But snapping is going to make it less likely that eventually she will. My exSIL and I really couldn't stand each other for years. Bizarrely, it was getting divorced from her DB and us bonding over my DS/her DN that brought us together and we're now, in a weird modern families way, best friends.

And in the meantime, just send a water-off-a-duck's-back message. 'Oh poo, STBSIL, that's a shame. But let's make sure we still share lots of fizz at the wedding. And for all the years to come .'

Or something like that. No aggression, passive or otherwise.

OP, you really do NOT come across all bridezilla. The posters who say 'if SIL doesn't want to go, if it isn't her kind of thing, she doesn't have to go' etc etc are sadly indicative of our 'me me me' society. Woe betide your SIL should do something for someone else!

YANBU - this could have been me 18 months ago.

SIL and MIL were both invited to my hen night - neither came - not an issue but what hurt the most was neither of them in 6 times of seeing them between the invite and the hen do did they say anything direct to me. I saw MIL the week after and I mentioned hen night and she didn't even ask if I had had a nice time.

SIL had been asked to make our wedding cake at DH request (my sister also makes cakes) found out 6 weeks prior to the wedding that what we had asked for, which had been very simple to suit her confidence in cake making, we weren't getting. Sizes were wrong so not enough cake, no decoration was going to be done - very simple decoration planned. In the end my DH had to drive (2hrs each way) to collect what she had done, we had to make another tier to make sure we had enough, and then drive it to my sister (2 hrs in opposite direction) for her to finish it off for us.

SIL was also a bridesmaid - somthing I felt obliged to ask - later to regret it. Dress shopping was done in 1 day with my other two bridesmaids - she was exceptionally rude to my sister within an hour of meeting her. Sulked when I picked the dress they all said they liked but wasn't her top favourite. Looking back from this point on she was a cow about the whole thing.

When the cake issue arose - there was a big fall out with lots of hideous things said to me from her - really bitchy comments etc.

In the end my DH asked her if she actually wanted to be a bridesmaid and if she could promise to not be miserable around me on the morning of getting ready etc - and she was honest and said she couldn't as she didn't feel comfortable as she knew no one. Wanted MIL there which I put my foot down about as I didn't want her there as my mum is no longer with us so didn't want a 'reminder'.

2 weeks prior to my wedding I ended up having a stand up row in a restaurant with SIL and MIL who still to this day can not understand why being let down and having all sorts of accusations thrown at me which were completely unfounded caused any upset.

She didn't speak to me at all on the day didn't even wish me congratulations.

Moral of the story - if you can suck it up, don't say anything. 18 months down the line there is still a tension there, I hate spending time alone with them as I am always on edge - not helped by distance and not seeing them often. Am dreading their behaviour when baby arrives in the next two months.

Someone further up said something about SIL worrying about brother being taken away - this sums up my situation 100% - all the accusations stem around them not being able to tell him what to do all the time as he has to consider me as well now - and they don't like it.

Venting is good - and there is no way I would say you are a Brideszilla - I hate the term because as soon as anyone states what they would like on their day apparently you become one. You can't plan a wedding by committee!! Yes some people take things a bit far but someone has to make the final call sometimes!

Sorry turned into an essay!!

Is she young? Young 'uns find family dos boring and would much rather hang out with mates. She probably doesn't realise the impact of her decision and the fact it will cost you. If losing the deposit worries you invite someone else to the hen instead.

Personally I did not have a hen do, they are usually tedious and an unnecessary expense for all concerned, and the only bridesmaid at my wedding was our daughter, made things much easier.

People will mess you about. My OH's uncle wouldn't tell us whether he was coming to our wedding until he found out, one week before, whether his local football team was playing on the day. I thought it was a bit uncaring (he only has one nephew after all) but I didn't care. 2 or 3 people cancelled a week before for no obvious reason, I just promoted a couple of evening people to the whole do instead.

The marriage is the important bit, and that is just about you and OH. The rest is just a big party, it doesn't matter. You want people who want to be there to share it with you. If they don't, probably best they don't show up tbh. Don't sweat the small stuff, you are getting married!

Panda you are not being bridezilla at all. It's rude of her to drop out of your hen do and lie about it.

It's not too much to ask for her to make some effort for her brothers wedding including showing some interest. The boasting about others weddings on Facebook and not yours is childish too.

I can relate to all of this as I asked my SIL to come to my hen do and she said no, or actually didn't even reply to the email if I remember. My own Dsis was my bridesmaid and she declined to come to my hen do because some friends of hers were visiting and my DM said she wouldn't come either. The dress I wanted to bridesmaids to wear I couldn't have as my Dsis didn't like get style much so my DM said I couldn't expect her to be uncomfortable. On the day she was late to have her hair and make up done as her DP got up late at the hotel and insisted on his fry up first.

My Dsis got married this weekend.....I am 38 weeks pregnant (I told her my due date the day I found out so she as aware) The wedding venue is 5 hours from where I live I stayed over for two nights and helped with preparations. Was trussed up in a bridesmaid dress and heels in this heat. I also went to her hen do and trotted round London and stayed out until she did at 6 months pregnant.

Some people, including my sister are complete selfish fuckers, but you just have to get on with it, but it doesn't mean you have to like it! In my eyes you put yourself out for family and friends but I am a rarity in this according to Mumsnet!

Sorry for epic post, this is raw for me, like the blisters on my feet still

I thought the whole point of hen nights was to go out the people you had in your life before you were married? The wedding reception is the party to join with the new family. The hen/stag do are supposed to be naughty/suggestive etc because they're symbolic of leaving other men/women behind and committing to a marriage. Surely you're not supposed to have your MIL/SIL there to do that?

The idea of a suggestive hen do fills me with dread. Though, if I was invited to one I would go and have a good time.

To me its just a get together for all of us to go out and have a nice time before the wedding. I like my MIL and I want her there, she is going. As are older relatives on my side.

We never get together, never have a nice night out, so this was the perfect excuse.

could she do both? I can see that she needs to bond with her new flatmates - after all she will be living with them, not you! Also, it is pretty bad not to show her face at the hen do even for half an hour - e;g., pop in at the end of the meal or something to say hi, I'm the other bridesmaid etc.

BTW my sister asked me to be her bridesmaid but didn't want me along to help look at wedding dresses with her and the other bridesmaids or to be in the wedding car with her and the other bridesmaids. I was offended and pulled out of being a bridesmaid. Sorry just had to share that I know it's irrelevenat upset me for years though

That must have been really hurtful. She obviously asked youy out of duty and couldn't even pretend otherwise.

It had to be all or none with mine to avoid that situation. So it was none. But they are all getting the same car, all sitting at the top table etc. I know I asked sil out of duty, but from then on in she was the same as the other two in my eyes.

OP - I think you're doing the right thing to say nothing about it.

Right now, you have the moral high ground, keep it. Do not do anything that you will regret over Christmas Lunch for the next 20+ years.

This has set the tone, she doesn't consider you to be a close friend nor will you be, so accept that's not the sort of relationship you'll have with your SIL. She's part of the wedding party as the grooms sister, tell yourself she's not a 'real bridesmaid' she's a 'political bridesmaid' - lots of weddings have them. She's not their to support you or play a traditional bridesmaid role, you can't assign any 'jobs' to her as you would a normal bridesmaid.

Think of her like if your DP had a little 5 year old sister, she'd also be called a bridesmaid but who's only job was to look nice in the photos and show that your DP's family are represented amongst the wedding party. Your adult SIL is effectively the same. Not a support to you, not helping you do any of the work for the wedding, just there to show your new DH's family you are including their side and to look nice in the photos.

Keep your expectations of her the same as you would for a 5 year old bridesmaid, and you won't be dissapointed!

Just read the thread and, Panda, I don't think you are coming across badly at all here just some responses are a little odd, which is the joy of MN and why we all love it!!

Good to vent and let it go. TBH, you will never forget but with some inlaws there is always going to be an element of detaching needed to keep the family peace.

It's ironic that you have said you like the fact that she doesn't mind standing out from others, doesn't just go with the flow. And here is an example of her doing exactly that... Only this time, it has stung you. It is a characteristic to admire, but not always I think, when it becomes thoughtlessness.

Enjoy your hen and wedding

Pandafeet, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you - it just means she is at that incredibly selfish stage of life where other people's feelings just don't occur to you, or is the sort of personality who aren't hyper aware of their actions' affects on others.

By contrast, you (from your posts) come across as someone who perhaps puts other people's feelings ahead of yours quite a bit (not talking about the wedding too much as don't want to bore others, sorted out dresses etc yourself as didn't want to pressurise the bridesmaids to time commitments etc).

These 2 personality types will never entirely make the other happy imo - you may come across to her as a bit of a martyr, she comes across to you as self absorbed and selfish.

The best thing to do is suck it up, make it known via breezy, flippant comment that you are a bit pissed off that she fibbed to you - ie "it's not that she didn't come, I get that it's probably not her idea of Great Night Out, but she could have just said 'thanks but no thanks' instead of making up a daft excuse" (best said once to your husband to be and once on the hen weekend to your future mil).

Don't expect other people to care to the same level about things as you do - you will always be disappointed if you do. The trick is to not give a toss that they aren't as interested or care as much, and to just assume that they do!
That way you can talk about your wedding as much as you want, talk about your feelings on something, let your feelings on things be heard and acknowledged and not let someone else's feelings or thoughts continually overshadow your own.

Enjoy your hen weekend btw, and don't give her another thought - she is not the most important thing in your life, don't let her become it.

If anything, I would have thought she would have went for her brother, because everyone else is trying to not cause a row before his wedding, why isn't she?!

Families are a mystery. Weddings bring out the worst in people. Whatever is going on, it will be so much more about her than you.

I agree that she has been rude by normal standards, but weddings are just different - apparently. You're asking more of people, so you have to put up with more too. Apparently.

Keep your expectations of her the same as you would for a 5 year old bridesmaid, and you won't be dissapointed!

I think that's very wise advice......

Yes, I agree about treating her like a 5 year old bridesmaid.

Though, DD1 is 5 and she has been loads of help with making things, fetching things, and being so enthusiastic about it all that I don't need others to be. :o

I think having your future SIL to be bridesmaid the expectation is different than that of a friend. A good friend recently had her SIL as bridesmaid along with friends: her friends arranged the hen, spent ages making decorations, her SIL essentially showed up and wore the dress but that was all she expected. She didn't make the hen either as she had already planned a weekend away and my friend said she felt a bit relieved as she wouldn't have known anyone and friend would have to be babysitting.

If my best friend asked me to be bridesmaid, I'd be super excited: probably wouldn't post on FB as thats not my thing but would be planning her hen, dress shopping, etc. If DP's sister, who I like very much but am not close to, asked me I would politely do as I was told/asked but not make any assumptions (So I wouldn't really ask about helping out so she didn't feel obliged to find a way to include me, assuming she woudl ask directly if she needed help) and would slightly dread things like the hen do where I wouldn't know a single one of her friends.

I think I'm a pretty decent person, and I actually really like my (not quite legal!) in-laws but I feel like the steretypical bridesmaid who is planning and involved in the wedding is a really old friend. Its possible she just assumed her role would be on the day, when her family and friends would be there, and not in the run-up. I understand the frustrations, and I would definitely be tempted to say something to someone about the hen as that is absolutely out of order and very, very rude, but try not to let it colour everything as in the end, you'll be the one who gets most upset and its your wedding that will have some of the shine taken off if there's a falling out.

OP, you are not being a bridezilla. If SIL had said upfront that she didn't want to go on your hen do then that would have been ok, but lying because she's had a better offer isn't. Unfortunately as you seem to have realised, calling her on it could backfire and cause an atmosphere that you don't want over your wedding. If she behaves well for the actual wedding then you'll probably feel ok to just let it go, otherwise come back & we'll help you plot some petty revenge!

I adore my SIL but can't abide hen nights. I went to my sil's cos I felt I couldn't not go but as much as I tried to disguise this I would say she probably had an idea I was there under obligation. I think she realises now it was about me not being comfortable with a large group than anything to do with how I felt about her. I didn't have a hen party myself because I dislike them so much. You are far better off being surrounded by friends who choose to be there than with people who felt they had to be.

Good idea to say nothing and let it pass.

So peoplw dont like hen nights as they don't know everyone? Im beginning to think im a lot more sociable than I originally thought - I love meeting new people and if theres alcohol involved so mich the better

Don't worry op it's a peculiar thing on mumsnet -

1. you're a bridezilla if a thing anyone does relating to your wedding annoys you.

2. nobody cares about anybody else's wedding and you're a bridezilla for even considering that they might.

You haven't come across badly, you were venting and that's fine.

SIL could have arranged the night out with new flatmates at any time. And if the hen has been booked for 2 months already, then SIL had plenty of time to re-arrange with her flatmates.

It also strikes me that other poster have it right, MIL wants her DD as a bridesmaid, it probably wasn't SIL's idea in the first place.

OP I do think that you are right in not wanting a row, and in being the bigger person.

And while I think Castle's idea was great, if it's not reflective of your personality, then using it will make you seem more PA than necessary. Might pinch the idea myself, though.

I think some reply is better than nothing, and some of the suggestions here sound good.

Ignore the fact that its a hen do/wedding. You invited her to something, she said yes, you paid a deposit for her, she found something more interesting to do, backed out and then lied about the reason.

The ins and outs of why she doesn't now want to go, the suggestion that weddings and hen nights are dull or whatever, is all irrelevant. She accepted an invitation then backed out - she's very rude, you just don't do that, whatever more 'exciting' offer may come along afterwards.

I think you are absolutely right to vent on here, and get it out of your system OP. I'm sure you'll have fun on your hen night without her, and I hope you have a lovely wedding day. My ex-SIL was a pain in the bum when I was first married, but we get on well now - so there's hope for you !

So peoplw dont like hen nights as they don't know everyone?

No, 'people' don't think that - I think a couple of posters have said that might be reason, but there are plenty of other reasons why those of us who aren't keen on them have said we don't like them.