I need to take a deep breath and calm down because I refuse to be called a bridezilla

[PandaFeet]

I am typing on here to keep my thumbs from sending a text that will act like a nuclear bomb.

Getting married in 3 weeks. Hen night booked two months ago. Today one of the bridesmaids has decided she's not going, instead she's going out with her new flatmates. She is the grooms sister!!

As if that's not bad enough, she lied to me and said she couldn't get it off work. Ha! So even she knows that she's in the wrong, or else why lie.

I want to text her and ask why is she even being bridesmaid when she has no interest in the wedding, won't even go to the hen do.

I probably am being a bridezilla. But its hurtful and its hard enough organising everything without a bridesmaid of all people doing this so close to the wedding. And in her text message she's worded it so it sounds like we are even putting her out expecting her to go to the wedding. But if I even say anything I will end up being the one in the wrong, so I have to just grit my teeth and smile through it.

And breathe.

[CommanderShepard]

My best friend is from another country and when planning her wedding sat me and our other best friend down and explained that in her culture there are no bridesmaids so she'd be adhering to that and it wasn't in any way a slight on us. I think to be honest her culture has THE COOL.

[shebird]

Sounds like she is a bit immature and perhaps got caught up in the whole wanting to wear and nice dress and be part of the fuss on the day idea. The problem is she is not interested in the rest of the wedding events. Really you've only asked her as a favour to your DP she is not a best friend or close relative to you. I would just let it go.

[Mintyy]

Ah well, it sounds like you have a good relationship with mil. Long may it continue!

Sil needs to grow up doesn't she? I expect mil is embarrassed about it all.

[PandaFeet]

No I didn't mention it because I know that mil is annoyed about it too and I don't think its fair that she should feel like she is being held accountable for sils actions.

[GoEasyPudding]

She sounds quite young and a total void of manners and I think that's enough reason for you to not officially care one way or another.

Make sure the photographer knows there might be one sulky face in his lense on the day and ask him to group you and photograph you with your happy maids individually as well as in a group.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Well I think you're doing exactly the right thing. Vent on here, gracious in rl :)

I think you sound very laid back btw, not a smidgen of bridezilla

[Mintyy]

What does mil say about sil pulling out of the hen night? I hope you mentioned it!

[Catsize]

I think she wants to marry her brother.

[PlumpPartridge]

She could just be lazy, TBF.

Please try not to worry about her - she will be the least important member of the bridal party on your big day.

[PandaFeet]

I went round this morning to see mil about something totally unrelated, and SIL was there and didn't come out of her room (she hasn't moved out just yet.)

So yeah. I couldn't even be bright and breezy. She's avoiding me.

[SirChenjin]

So peoplw dont like hen nights as they don't know everyone?

No, 'people' don't think that - I think a couple of posters have said that might be reason, but there are plenty of other reasons why those of us who aren't keen on them have said we don't like them.

[KurriKurri]

Ignore the fact that its a hen do/wedding. You invited her to something, she said yes, you paid a deposit for her, she found something more interesting to do, backed out and then lied about the reason.

The ins and outs of why she doesn't now want to go, the suggestion that weddings and hen nights are dull or whatever, is all irrelevant. She accepted an invitation then backed out - she's very rude, you just don't do that, whatever more 'exciting' offer may come along afterwards.

I think you are absolutely right to vent on here, and get it out of your system OP. I'm sure you'll have fun on your hen night without her, and I hope you have a lovely wedding day. My ex-SIL was a pain in the bum when I was first married, but we get on well now - so there's hope for you !

[FryOneFatManic]

SIL could have arranged the night out with new flatmates at any time. And if the hen has been booked for 2 months already, then SIL had plenty of time to re-arrange with her flatmates.

It also strikes me that other poster have it right, MIL wants her DD as a bridesmaid, it probably wasn't SIL's idea in the first place.

OP I do think that you are right in not wanting a row, and in being the bigger person.

And while I think Castle's idea was great, if it's not reflective of your personality, then using it will make you seem more PA than necessary. Might pinch the idea myself, though.

I think some reply is better than nothing, and some of the suggestions here sound good.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Don't worry op it's a peculiar thing on mumsnet -

1. you're a bridezilla if a thing anyone does relating to your wedding annoys you.
   
   
2. nobody cares about anybody else's wedding and you're a bridezilla for even considering that they might.
   
   You haven't come across badly, you were venting and that's fine.

[StealthPolarBear]

So peoplw dont like hen nights as they don't know everyone? Im beginning to think im a lot more sociable than I originally thought - I love meeting new people and if theres alcohol involved so mich the better

[Inkspellme]

I adore my SIL but can't abide hen nights. I went to my sil's cos I felt I couldn't not go but as much as I tried to disguise this I would say she probably had an idea I was there under obligation. I think she realises now it was about me not being comfortable with a large group than anything to do with how I felt about her. I didn't have a hen party myself because I dislike them so much. You are far better off being surrounded by friends who choose to be there than with people who felt they had to be.

Good idea to say nothing and let it pass.

[Shelby2010]

OP, you are not being a bridezilla. If SIL had said upfront that she didn't want to go on your hen do then that would have been ok, but lying because she's had a better offer isn't. Unfortunately as you seem to have realised, calling her on it could backfire and cause an atmosphere that you don't want over your wedding. If she behaves well for the actual wedding then you'll probably feel ok to just let it go, otherwise come back & we'll help you plot some petty revenge!

[SuperConfused]

I think having your future SIL to be bridesmaid the expectation is different than that of a friend. A good friend recently had her SIL as bridesmaid along with friends: her friends arranged the hen, spent ages making decorations, her SIL essentially showed up and wore the dress but that was all she expected. She didn't make the hen either as she had already planned a weekend away and my friend said she felt a bit relieved as she wouldn't have known anyone and friend would have to be babysitting.

If my best friend asked me to be bridesmaid, I'd be super excited: probably wouldn't post on FB as thats not my thing but would be planning her hen, dress shopping, etc. If DP's sister, who I like very much but am not close to, asked me I would politely do as I was told/asked but not make any assumptions (So I wouldn't really ask about helping out so she didn't feel obliged to find a way to include me, assuming she woudl ask directly if she needed help) and would slightly dread things like the hen do where I wouldn't know a single one of her friends.

I think I'm a pretty decent person, and I actually really like my (not quite legal!) in-laws but I feel like the steretypical bridesmaid who is planning and involved in the wedding is a really old friend. Its possible she just assumed her role would be on the day, when her family and friends would be there, and not in the run-up. I understand the frustrations, and I would definitely be tempted to say something to someone about the hen as that is absolutely out of order and very, very rude, but try not to let it colour everything as in the end, you'll be the one who gets most upset and its your wedding that will have some of the shine taken off if there's a falling out.

[PandaFeet]

Yes, I agree about treating her like a 5 year old bridesmaid.

Though, DD1 is 5 and she has been loads of help with making things, fetching things, and being so enthusiastic about it all that I don't need others to be. :o

[PlumpPartridge]

Keep your expectations of her the same as you would for a 5 year old bridesmaid, and you won't be dissapointed!

I think that's very wise advice......

[rootypig]

If anything, I would have thought she would have went for her brother, because everyone else is trying to not cause a row before his wedding, why isn't she?!

Families are a mystery. Weddings bring out the worst in people. Whatever is going on, it will be so much more about her than you.

I agree that she has been rude by normal standards, but weddings are just different - apparently. You're asking more of people, so you have to put up with more too. Apparently.

[ScarlettlovesRhett]

Pandafeet, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you - it just means she is at that incredibly selfish stage of life where other people's feelings just don't occur to you, or is the sort of personality who aren't hyper aware of their actions' affects on others.

By contrast, you (from your posts) come across as someone who perhaps puts other people's feelings ahead of yours quite a bit (not talking about the wedding too much as don't want to bore others, sorted out dresses etc yourself as didn't want to pressurise the bridesmaids to time commitments etc).

These 2 personality types will never entirely make the other happy imo - you may come across to her as a bit of a martyr, she comes across to you as self absorbed and selfish.

The best thing to do is suck it up, make it known via breezy, flippant comment that you are a bit pissed off that she fibbed to you - ie "it's not that she didn't come, I get that it's probably not her idea of Great Night Out, but she could have just said 'thanks but no thanks' instead of making up a daft excuse" (best said once to your husband to be and once on the hen weekend to your future mil).

Don't expect other people to care to the same level about things as you do - you will always be disappointed if you do. The trick is to not give a toss that they aren't as interested or care as much, and to just assume that they do!
That way you can talk about your wedding as much as you want, talk about your feelings on something, let your feelings on things be heard and acknowledged and not let someone else's feelings or thoughts continually overshadow your own.

Enjoy your hen weekend btw, and don't give her another thought - she is not the most important thing in your life, don't let her become it.

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

Just read the thread and, Panda, I don't think you are coming across badly at all here just some responses are a little odd, which is the joy of MN and why we all love it!!

Good to vent and let it go. TBH, you will never forget but with some inlaws there is always going to be an element of detaching needed to keep the family peace.

It's ironic that you have said you like the fact that she doesn't mind standing out from others, doesn't just go with the flow. And here is an example of her doing exactly that... Only this time, it has stung you. It is a characteristic to admire, but not always I think, when it becomes thoughtlessness.

Enjoy your hen and wedding

[MaryWestmacott]

OP - I think you're doing the right thing to say nothing about it.

Right now, you have the moral high ground, keep it. Do not do anything that you will regret over Christmas Lunch for the next 20+ years.

This has set the tone, she doesn't consider you to be a close friend nor will you be, so accept that's not the sort of relationship you'll have with your SIL. She's part of the wedding party as the grooms sister, tell yourself she's not a 'real bridesmaid' she's a 'political bridesmaid' - lots of weddings have them. She's not their to support you or play a traditional bridesmaid role, you can't assign any 'jobs' to her as you would a normal bridesmaid.

Think of her like if your DP had a little 5 year old sister, she'd also be called a bridesmaid but who's only job was to look nice in the photos and show that your DP's family are represented amongst the wedding party. Your adult SIL is effectively the same. Not a support to you, not helping you do any of the work for the wedding, just there to show your new DH's family you are including their side and to look nice in the photos.

Keep your expectations of her the same as you would for a 5 year old bridesmaid, and you won't be dissapointed!

[PandaFeet]

That must have been really hurtful. She obviously asked youy out of duty and couldn't even pretend otherwise.

It had to be all or none with mine to avoid that situation. So it was none. But they are all getting the same car, all sitting at the top table etc. I know I asked sil out of duty, but from then on in she was the same as the other two in my eyes.