I need to take a deep breath and calm down because I refuse to be called a bridezilla

[PandaFeet]

I am typing on here to keep my thumbs from sending a text that will act like a nuclear bomb.

Getting married in 3 weeks. Hen night booked two months ago. Today one of the bridesmaids has decided she's not going, instead she's going out with her new flatmates. She is the grooms sister!!

As if that's not bad enough, she lied to me and said she couldn't get it off work. Ha! So even she knows that she's in the wrong, or else why lie.

I want to text her and ask why is she even being bridesmaid when she has no interest in the wedding, won't even go to the hen do.

I probably am being a bridezilla. But its hurtful and its hard enough organising everything without a bridesmaid of all people doing this so close to the wedding. And in her text message she's worded it so it sounds like we are even putting her out expecting her to go to the wedding. But if I even say anything I will end up being the one in the wrong, so I have to just grit my teeth and smile through it.

And breathe.

[SirChenjin]

It's rubbish that she's lied, yes. Do you get on? Do you think she's feeling a bit fed up with the whole wedding thing, or feeling somehow that you're taking her brother away? Is she quite immature?

Having said that, I can imagine bottling it and making my excuses when I was younger if I had been invited to a hen night that was either far more than I could afford, or involved dressing up, drinking cocktails and squeeeeeling loudly on the dancefloor all night. WHat are you doing for your hen night?

[pictish]

Ah cross posted. Sorry again.

Well...I dunno...it does seem a bit off, but I wouldn't let it spoil your fun.

[BaileyWhite]

Castlemilk

Quite simply THE wisest advice I can recall reading on MN ever.

OP- take that advice. It is brill.

[Viviennemary]

If she is bridesmaid it is cheeky of her to pull out of the hen do. But as others say you will have to put up with her as she's the groom's sister so no point in having a massive fall-out. Try and ignore it and have a good time. I hatethe thought of hendo's but the bridesmaids have a duty to go. IMHO only of course!

[PandaFeet]

Now that I have thought about it, I think its the lying that has really bothered me the most. The real fake "oh I really tried but my boss is horrible" crap. That's what it is.

She should have had the beans to just own up and say she had a better offer.

[HomeHelpMeGawd]

Why don't you speak to your dp about it? he is her brother, after all. he may have some insight

[londonrach]

Breath deeply. Let it go. She's your future sil. Your dh to be sister. Okay she doesn't attend the hen do. Just enjoy it with those do. Raise above it, not texts. Let it go. Be the bigger and better person. X

[pictish]

I also agree with castlemilk.
Kudos.

[Yama]

Great post Castlemilk.

Anything else will make you (fairly or unfairly) look like a Bridezilla.

[AuntieStella]

She should never have said she was coming to the hen do if she has no intention of doing so. And it's appallingly rude to pull out of an event you've said 'yes' to just because you've had another invitation.

But all bridesmaid need to do is turn up, wear a frock and enthuse about absolutely everything. Perhaps keep child bridesmaids and page boys occupied during the dress up phase. But that's about it.

If you're a bit overwhelmed with wedding planning, is there any way you could hire an events manager just to make sure any loose ends and last minute bits are death with?

[Jackie0]

Do exactly what castlemilk said ! Genius !

[UrbaneLandlord]

Castlemilk:

That's one of the most mature & far-sighted posts I've ever read on mumsnet.

[ikeaismylocal]

Just go and have fun with your friends, it's only a hen night, and it is only a wedding, I'm sure there will be enough people to have a giggle with that you won't miss the presence of someone who didn't actually want to be there in the first place.

It isn't worth thinking about, just concentrate on yuor wedding.

[londonrach]

Castle milk rules...

[PandaFeet]

He agrees with me but doesn't want me to say anything so there won't be a row.

She's spoilt and immature but she's well out of her teens, and I do like her. I have tried to get to know her, and she will chat away to me when I see her. I'm just kind of baffled. She wanted to be bridesmaid, and now she's acting too cool for school.

And its definitely not a case of not affording it, she wouldn't have to pay, pils would pay for her.

[CrimeaRiver]

Yes, it sounds like she just doesn't want to go to your hen night.

To be fair, the hen night 'should' (although who really knows, these days) be spent by the bride and her best friends, putting the bride's single life to bed. As your future DH's sister, is she really amongst your best friends?

I don't think I've ever known a bride who has had all her bridesmaids at the hen night. When one of those is from the groom's side, it's just....awkward.

I think she's done you a favour. You'll have a better time without her.

As for lying, there's no call for that. But it's not easy saying "just don't fancy it, thanks tho". She should never have accepted.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

It seems really off if she was desperate to be a bm then can't be arsed to go to the actual hen do or be interested in the wedding.

You certainly don't have to have her as bm just because she's your DH's sister, you're supposed to have the people that will support you best on the day, doesn't sound like she's it.

Can your DH have a word?

[Oldraver]

I would be disappointed if a bridesmaid didnt want to come to my Hen Do, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

What exactly does she need to do to 'help' ? this was never part of the deal in my day. If you kick up a fuss you will be heading into Bridezilla territory

[BoneyBackJefferson]

PandaFeet

"And yes, she wanted to be bridesmaid so much she told mil to be who told dp who basically told me to ask her."

So no, you don't actually know if she wanted to be a bridesmaid, just that MiL wants her to be one.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

You can do a hen night without her.

Let it go.

Honestly, the wedding is the bit that matters and that is enough stress.

[PandaFeet]

I have organised everything and made everything myself, and I'm not at all stressed. Its organising people that's really getting to me at the minute.

I won't be texting her. I won't be saying anything. That's why I posted on here, because I needed to vent my hurt and frustration.

[DoJo]

It's a tricky one - I have recently lied to get out of going on a hen do (which I was fully intending to go to and really looking forward to). I lied because I was undergoing some physically and emotionally painful medical problems at the time and I didn't want to worry the bride by telling her the truth or be the subject of any speculation amongst the other hens. Nobody except for my husband knows that I lied, or why I lied and the chances are that nobody ever will.

I'm not saying that your SIL to be is in the same position, but I am saying that there is absolutely no point going ballistic, being upset or feeling aggrieved about this. Her not going isn't necessarily a sign that she doesn't like you, that she's not interested in the wedding or anything else, so trying to force an issue isn't likely to end in the outcome you want.

Longjane's reply might have been blunt, but the first two points were valid - she is going to be your SIL for a looooong time, so don't do anything now that could have repercussions for the rest of your married life. In 20 years time, if there's still an atmosphere and it's too late to make amends, you will wish you had just sucked it up and not poked at it.

[manchestermummy]

Honestly, leave it.

My SIL cancelled coming to my hen do as it was the only day in 365 that she could return a dress she was planning to wear for the wedding. After, she told me all about the "beautiful blue dress she had bought".

SIL wore a black dress.

I only invited her out of obligation...

[LittlePeaPod]

I think you should take a step back. After all:

• she's isnt a close friend
  
• you never wanted her as a bridesmaid and you basically only did it because you felt obliged for all you know MIL may have floured the whole she wants to be a bridesmaid because MIL herself wanted her daughter to be a braidsmaid maybe SIL never wanted to be bridesmaid and now she feels obliged because she was asked
  
• don't stress about her not attending the hen party. I think some or maybe most other than very close friends only attend hen parties because they feel obligated.
  

But she should not have lied.

Just forget her and go out have a fantastic time with your close friends. She is your future SIL and by the looks you will never be very close.

Honestly dont stress it. It just isn't worth it.

[Picklepest]

Castlemilk makes a great point well.

Now, no offence castle, but I regularly see marvellously insightful posts made on multiple topics. To me this was another great point, not the only great point. Ever. Which as we don't know each other seems really odd kiss assing. I do think we could all just hyperlink to it on future threads and save us all a lot of time...

Anyway, Follow castles advice. It's good.