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AIBU?

I need to take a deep breath and calm down because I refuse to be called a bridezilla

185 replies

PandaFeet · 28/07/2014 19:17

I am typing on here to keep my thumbs from sending a text that will act like a nuclear bomb.

Getting married in 3 weeks. Hen night booked two months ago. Today one of the bridesmaids has decided she's not going, instead she's going out with her new flatmates. She is the grooms sister!!

As if that's not bad enough, she lied to me and said she couldn't get it off work. Ha! So even she knows that she's in the wrong, or else why lie.

I want to text her and ask why is she even being bridesmaid when she has no interest in the wedding, won't even go to the hen do.

I probably am being a bridezilla. But its hurtful and its hard enough organising everything without a bridesmaid of all people doing this so close to the wedding. And in her text message she's worded it so it sounds like we are even putting her out expecting her to go to the wedding. But if I even say anything I will end up being the one in the wrong, so I have to just grit my teeth and smile through it.

And breathe.

OP posts:

Report

FatalCabbage · 28/07/2014 20:33

When did the hen do become a crucial part of the bridesmaid's duties?

Don't condemn her FB posts until you see what she posts about your wedding. I predict eleventy-eight photos, including selfies, with gushing excitement about "gaining a sister".

It's not about you.

Bearbehind · 28/07/2014 20:35

OP, you seem determined to be outraged.

You haven't even acknowledged the very sensible suggestion castlemilk made

You just seem to want to continue to vent but do nothing about it- the only person that will annoy is you- oh, and probably your DH.

ecuse · 28/07/2014 20:36

I get that you're gutted but, honestly, deep breath. You're right to vent on here and not in real life. Lots of people HATE hen do's (myself included). I usually show up to them anyway to be polite but if I've got a decent excuse I'll use it. She doesn't have a decent excuse and is, frankly, being quite rude. And I hope she pays you the deposit back. Nevertheless, it could easily be nothing personal about you, just that she doesn't like hen dos and dealt with it badly.

ecuse · 28/07/2014 20:38

Also, honest to god, most people AREN'T THAT EXCITED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES' WEDDINGS. So even if you're right, it's still not a judgement on what she thinks about you. She's just not that excited. And that's OK!

BabyMarmoset · 28/07/2014 20:42

Am I the only one that thinks Castle's text is a little passive aggressive... Especially as you know that she did ask to be bridesmaid in the first place.

I think she is being really rude... But I do agree that there is really nothing to be done about it. Try to forget it and move on. She wasn't the most import person there anyway so no harm done

rootypig · 28/07/2014 20:42

Second (tenth?) Castle's suggestion but please, please don't put the suggestion about dropping out - it will likely be seen as a passive aggressive request for her to drop out and all hell will break loose. I know this, I am such a veteran of wedding related BS.

Text that you're really sorry that she can't make it but she isn't to worry at all - and then set about mean it. Really not minding at all. Don't try to figure out what it means - it will be so much less than the conclusion your arrive at. Don't worry about the lie - she was just trying to save your feelings.

Have a wonderful night and a wonderful wedding.

PandaFeet · 28/07/2014 20:43

You just seem to want to continue to vent but do nothing about it

Oh sorry is that not allowed?

I'm not doing what castle suggested, because that is so not me and it would come across so patronising and passive aggressive that I would probably end up with the same result as I would get if I said what I truly wanted to say.

So I'm saying nothing and doing nothing. What is there to do? She doesnt want to go. She doesnt think enough of me to be decent about it. Shes being bridesmaid out of duty, we will get over it. My other two bridesmaids are fab and I will have a great night out with them.

In hindsight I shouldnt have asked her, but we are where we are.

OP posts:

Mintyy · 28/07/2014 20:43

Panda, yes she has been very rude and all of us would be gutted if a bridesmaid dropped out of attending the hen do because she had a better offer. Its just that some people on Mumsnet are utterly determined to answer yabu to everything .

rootypig · 28/07/2014 20:43

Cross post Baby

and that should have been 'set about meaning it' ^^

rootypig · 28/07/2014 20:44

Cross post Panda

PandaFeet · 28/07/2014 20:44

x posts

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 28/07/2014 20:46

Oh sorry is that not allowed?

Of course it's allowed but if you have absolutely no intention of doing anything about it- what's the point?

Liara · 28/07/2014 20:47

You are right, you need to take a deep breath.

Sorry but you have slightly lost the plot. She 'only' has to take two days off work? Presumably coming out of her holiday leave? That's a pretty big ask in my book.

Really, it is normal for other people to not be terribly excited about your wedding or your hen do. Participating in other people's weddings/hen dos is something you do as a favour to them, so they can enjoy their day. Not wanting to do it doesn't make anyone evil, so long as they don't turn up and ruin the couple's day. It doesn't even mean that you don't care for the people involved or their marriage.

It's only a party, after all.

BabyMarmoset · 28/07/2014 20:50

feeling smug I got the passive aggressive comment in first

What would really bug me is that it shows she only wanted to be a bridesmaid because she felt she ought to be asked due to her family position... Rather than actually caring about you.

I didn't ask my DSis to be maid if honour... Thus causing huge family drama and snarky comments for the full engagement. Totally thought she was going to be a nightmare all wedding. On the day though she did get into the spirit and was great to have around... So hopefully that is what your SIL will do too.

PandaFeet · 28/07/2014 20:51

She works part time. Its not two days of annual leave at all. Its saying "dont rota me in on these two days". I used to work for the place she works for, its very simple and she had ample notice.

Bear, what do you suggest I do? Seriously? Nothing I do will affect the outcome whatsoever.

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 28/07/2014 20:52

Bear, what do you suggest I do? Seriously? Nothing I do will affect the outcome whatsoever.

Stop letting it eat you up and focus on enjoying your hen night and wedding.

PandaFeet · 28/07/2014 20:52

And to me a vent is exactly that, sounding off on here because it would be futile to do so IRL.

OP posts:

PandaFeet · 28/07/2014 20:54

Just because this one thread is solely focused on this one situation does not mean my whole life is the same.

What an odd way to think.

OP posts:

northlight · 28/07/2014 20:55

Sounds like you have been very relaxed about the wedding up till now. Put yourself back in that frame of mind, enjoy your hen do - I bet you have a great time - and don't look at FB.

Bearbehind · 28/07/2014 20:57

Just because this one thread is solely focused on this one situation does not mean my whole life is the same

Where did I imply that what the case

If you are not going to do anything about it then there is no point in giving it anymore thought.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/07/2014 20:57

Also, honest to god, most people AREN'T THAT EXCITED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES' WEDDINGS

Well don't be someone's bridesmaid then.

PandaFeet · 28/07/2014 21:00

You said it was eating me up.

I came on here to calm down. I am now calm. I still think shes been rude and I wish she wasnt bridesmaid, but tomorrow will be back to finishing the centre pieces and printing orders of service.

LOL pobble , quite!

OP posts:

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SirChenjin · 28/07/2014 21:05

Oh come off it Bear - MN is full of people venting and not planning to do anything the challenge to source of the vent in order to maintain family relations. Leave the OP alone.

amyhamster · 28/07/2014 21:06

How did you find out she was lying about work ?

Anyway i agree with you , she's been rude

1lov3comp5 · 28/07/2014 21:07

I had kind of the same situation with my MOH - couldn't afford to go on hen night apparently (went to her graduation and showed me the €200 dress that she managed to buy though) I fumed internally but dealt with it the way Castlemilk suggested - overly breezy and cool about it. The other bridesmaids tooke aside after the wedding (only my DH and DM knew how annoyed I really was) and told me that they couldn't believe how calm I was, I totally looked like the bigger person

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