I need to take a deep breath and calm down because I refuse to be called a bridezilla

[PandaFeet]

I am typing on here to keep my thumbs from sending a text that will act like a nuclear bomb.

Getting married in 3 weeks. Hen night booked two months ago. Today one of the bridesmaids has decided she's not going, instead she's going out with her new flatmates. She is the grooms sister!!

As if that's not bad enough, she lied to me and said she couldn't get it off work. Ha! So even she knows that she's in the wrong, or else why lie.

I want to text her and ask why is she even being bridesmaid when she has no interest in the wedding, won't even go to the hen do.

I probably am being a bridezilla. But its hurtful and its hard enough organising everything without a bridesmaid of all people doing this so close to the wedding. And in her text message she's worded it so it sounds like we are even putting her out expecting her to go to the wedding. But if I even say anything I will end up being the one in the wrong, so I have to just grit my teeth and smile through it.

And breathe.

[QueenCardigan]

Could it be that she doesn't feel that involved? If you bought the dresses without the bridesmaids being with you then maybe she feels left out or unimportant to you? Maybe, just maybe, she's thinking that you don't really want her to be bm so she's thought f* it, and has dropped out of the hen do. Have you mentioned anything on facebook about being excited for her to be your bridesmaid?

[Catsize]

I would be hurt too. But then I didn't have bridesmaids partly for this sort of reason.

[PlumpPartridge]

She has been very rude.

I assume you're a Facebook user since you saw what she'd posted - I suggest that you take at least a few selfies of you and your actual friends on the hen night and post them to Facebook with a cheery 'So excited to be celebrating with my favourite girls!!'

Or, you know, words you'd actually say

[PandaFeet]

I havent mentioned anything on facebook at all. I could understand if I had been gushing about the others and not her, but no, nothing.

I did suggest they all came to get their dresses with me, but she was vague about when she was available so I took the hint and just did it myself. She knows that none of the others came with me either.

FIL told me about her going out, he obviously thought she had told the truth.

[MyFairyKing]

Do you even like her? It doesn't sound like it.

[NewtRipley]

Another vote for Castlemilk here

OP

I get that weddings are stressful. Right now your SIL is a bit immature, so you need to be the mature one.

[NewtRipley]

And, once again, I really don't understand Facebook

[PlumpPartridge]

Why the op have to like her lying, flaky soon-to-be SIL? We all do things to keep peace in the wider family and inviting your partner's sister to be bridesmaid is one of them. SHe could have declined, after all.

[PandaFeet]

Yes Plump!! I did think about doing that I must say!

[onedev]

I think she's been rude to lie, but it sounds like she wants to be her brothers bridesmaid on the big day, but none of the rest of it, sorry!

I agree that you should vent on here, but let it go in real life & just enjoy the planning & hen do & big day. I bet she'll love the day & she will be your DSIL forever , so not worth a fall out.

[PandaFeet]

I actually do like her. She has great taste and in many ways I admire how she isnt afraid to be a bit different to others.

We have had a big row once, but that was mainly between her and dp and then she brought me into it unnecessarily, but that was her fault and she said as much and apologised.

And she is spoilt and immature, but I try to see the best in people and I continuously overlook it so that we could get on.

I feel like a bit of a mug if I'm honest.

[fluffyraggies]

When the big day comes you'll be so excited and happy to be marrying your DH that all this will pale into insignificance OP

You cant make people what they're not. Tell yourself she lied about the reason she couldn't make the hen do is that she didn't want to/didn't know how to be honest without hurting your feelings. FIL has put his foot in it!

[PlumpPartridge]

I understand - I think I'd feel the same in your shoes.

My own sister can be a self-absorbed arse moreso these days and I am taking a certain nasty satisfaction in not acting like I care about her constantly bunking off anything family-related when she gets a better offer. I'm still hurt, but I'm trying not to give a shit. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing that we care about her when it's clearly not reciprocal.

So the take-home message is 'Act like it's not something you've even noticed and like you just aren't bothered by her absence'. FOr example, if/when you see her after the 'do and she says 'Oh sorry I couldn't make it' say, with a big smile 'Oh, I didn't mind - we had a BRILLIANT time!' and proceed to gush about how lovely it was to have all your friends there.

PIck and choose from this smorgasbord, obviously.....

Oh, and castlemilk's post is truly excellent - I may steal it.

[achtunglady]

God I hate hen dos, and in all honestly do just about all I can to avoid them! I also use the work excuse as although lying isn't right etc, it's kinder to hear that than I just don't want to go.

Seriously, I get why you're upset, but just let it go. Its just a night out! And surely to God there aren't any tasks for the bridesmaids to have to do on the wedding day???

[WhizzFucker]

I don't think she was particularly rude. She was polite enough to make up an excuse rather than saying "I don't want to hang out with you for an evening / go to a hen do".

She's bridesmaid because it is her brother's wedding, not for you, which is perfectly reasonable.

The hen night is not the wedding and the wedding is not the be all and end all in the grand scheme of things: she will be your relative for a long time yet, an auntie to your kids maybe mother to their cousins and playmates. Being lovely and easygoing about this now, will reap rewards for your relationship with her in the future.

[parakeet]

As long as she pays her share of the deposit, I don't think she is being that unreasonable here. She may not be able to afford the hen-night, or the activities just may not be her cup of tea. It is clear she is not that close a friend so why do you even care if she is there or not?

I'm afraid I suspect you have Bridezilla tendancies, based on the fact that you criticise her for not having made the correct amount of fuss about your wedding on facebook.

[meganorks]

All mumsnetters hate hen do's don't you know?! Personally I hate people who drop out of things last minute for no good reason. I think it is very rude. Make sure she pays you the deposit. And just have fun with your friends which will be better anyway. But otherwise I would just let it slide. You don't need this to ruin your wedding day. By your admission you asked her for your dp. You don't need to be best friends. I'm sure you already have plenty of them that you will have a wonderful time with.

[PandaFeet]

Parakeet

Based on that, I think you have the tendency to call every bride a bridezilla if they dare talk about their own wedding.

Or maybe I shouldnt make assumptions based on so little info about you?

[EthicalPickle]

The fact she doesn't want to go to your hen night really doesn't mean she doesn't like you and it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your bridesmaid. You are her brothers stb wife. You are not one of her friends. That is not an insult, it's just how it is.
I like 2 of my sister in laws. I am pleased to see them and I enjoy their company but I don't actually want to hang out with them out of family time.
I would try not to take this personally and get back to being excited about your wedding.
I hope you have a fantastic day

[EthicalPickle]

Sorry, forgot to add that she has been rude and childish!

[Mbear]

I don't understand why the bridesmaids didn't go bridesmaid dress shopping with you?

[LittlePeaPod]

I think maybe the elephant in the room is the fact your MIL made such a fuss about her been bridesmaid. You clearly felt obligated to ask her and did personally I would not ask anyone but someone extremely close to me to be bridesmaid regardless of the pressure I was under but then again I cancelled my UK wedding and had it abroad because I got sick of the family politics. Lots of pissed off people but they all got over it and DH and I had a fantastic day. And stress and all about us As you felt oligated to ask maybe your SIL felt obligated to accept.

Out of interest if she wasn't a bridesmaid, would you have invited her to the hen party? If you did, and she couldn't make it would you still be this annoyed?

Again I think YANBU for been angry about been lied to. I do think YABU for letting this wind you up so much. I also agree with those that say just because she doesn't wanto go on the hen party does not mean she doesn't care about the wedding.

You have had a good rant, now move on.. Enjoy your hen party with the bridesmaids you truely wanted in the first place. If you cant move on then you need to speak up otherwise you will carry a load of bitterness about the situation for a long time and your SIL will probably be completely olivious and getting with life like nothing ever happened.

[PandaFeet]

I asked them all on various occasions and got really vague answers about availability, so I just did it myself. I really do not like organising people, and I don't like when I ask someone "when suits u best" and they say "anytime is fine" because in actual fact anytime is not fine and if I had said friday at midday someone wouldn't have been able to go.

Plus, none of them seemed that bothered, so I didn't push it, incase I came across like a bridezilla.

So I really did put myself out there when booking this hen do, finding out what day and time suited 8 different people, did it in enough time for everyone to organise time off etc.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

How many bridesmaids are you having, Panda?

"I asked them all on various occasions and got really vague answers about availability"

Are none of them being cooperative, or supportive, or interested?

[PandaFeet]

1. 
   

My chief bridesmaid is, but she was having a rough time when I bought the dresses, and the other one is younger.