I need to take a deep breath and calm down because I refuse to be called a bridezilla

[PandaFeet]

I am typing on here to keep my thumbs from sending a text that will act like a nuclear bomb.

Getting married in 3 weeks. Hen night booked two months ago. Today one of the bridesmaids has decided she's not going, instead she's going out with her new flatmates. She is the grooms sister!!

As if that's not bad enough, she lied to me and said she couldn't get it off work. Ha! So even she knows that she's in the wrong, or else why lie.

I want to text her and ask why is she even being bridesmaid when she has no interest in the wedding, won't even go to the hen do.

I probably am being a bridezilla. But its hurtful and its hard enough organising everything without a bridesmaid of all people doing this so close to the wedding. And in her text message she's worded it so it sounds like we are even putting her out expecting her to go to the wedding. But if I even say anything I will end up being the one in the wrong, so I have to just grit my teeth and smile through it.

And breathe.

[SqueakySqueak]

Well, think of it this way, do you really want someone that doesn't want to be there at your Hen do?

At least at the wedding you don't have to do anything more than smile together in pictures.

[JessieMcJessie]

Problem is, Panda if you say nothing at all in response to her telling you that she can't come to the hen do then that sends a message that you are really annoyed and fuming too much to answer.

If you're worried that castle's suggestion is passive aggressive, I'd suggest a very breezy "Ah that's a shame, never mind" perhaps with a "really looking forward to seeing you at the wedding" if you want to make her feel a teeny bit guilty.

But saying nothing is like letting her see that you're "bovvered" and it's just not worth it to have any family discord this close to the wedding day. Rise above it and take the moral high ground. Save your ire for the next time she fucks you about.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

For heaven's sake!
Say" Thanks for letting me know, sorry you can't make it, see you (whenever)."
Go out and enjoy your evening and then get on making your table centres and printing your programmes.
She is your sister in law, not your best friend, but will probably be around a lot longer, so be diplomatic.

[iamthecakefairy]

OP I could have written almost the exact same post last year. SIL had no interest in my wedding (eg didn't come bridesmaid shoe shopping, came to a bit of the hen do then left - lots more examples than just those though!). We had a disagreement the month before the wedding because I was being 'horrible' to her (still not sure what I was supposed to have done wrong), MIL got involved and I ended up in tears on several occasions.
On the day she didn't turn up to get ready when she was supposed to and just turned up half an hour before the ceremony (although at least she came!). She cried through the ceremony and through the speeches, and there were whispers of 'oh look at X, she must love her db and new SIL so much'.
But I didn't say anything, because it would just have turned back on me.
I'm going to be her bridesmaid in a couple of months. l I have been shoe shopping (although couldn't afford the fancy hen) and have done everything I can to be the best bridesmaid I can. Her wedding is incredibly important to her, and I don't think she will ever recognise the cloud she cast over mine, but I've just let it go. I don't want to make her feel the way I felt about my day so I have (mainly!) let it go.
I think with some in-laws you have to just let it wash over you. I know that a wedding is more important to a bride than to anyone else, but a good friend/SIL will put in the effort for you because they know how important it is to you.
I guess all I'm saying is, don't let it stress you out now. Other people will be aware of her behaviour so be the bigger person. At the end of the day, you will have a lovely wedding day with or without her input, so leave her to it!

[StealthPolarBear]

". Participating in other people's weddings/hen dos is something you do as a favour to them, so they can enjoy their day."
Really? How depressing. Do the people who endure hen dos and weddings also hate nights out and big parties with their families and friends?
People who endure hen dos and weddings with a pasted on smile - are any of you married?

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I echo what GoblinLittleOwl said.

[NorksAreMesssy]

panda dignity and breezy cool are your friends here.
If you can manage a breezy 'that's fine, have fun' attitude...if even just to yourself, then you will have risen above it.
She does sound rude and immature, but you can't do anything about that. It is not your job to teach her a lesson.
It doesn't matter what her 'reasons' were, or whether she lied, she is not going to be persuaded and you will hurt your enjoyment of the day if you dwell on this.
Your job is to put your energy into having a brilliant hen do and a lovely relaxed wedding and give her not the tiniest amount more of your thinking time.

[ApocalypseThen]

I feel a bit sorry for the sister in law here. You sound quite competitive, OP, investigating her face book page to monitor how pleased or excited she is about your wedding vs her friend's wedding.

Also, I'm not really surprised that she'd want to go to almost anything other than your hen do. I was a bridesmaid in her position, brother's wedding etc. I literally wouldn't have known a soul at the hen party and I didn't want to be the pitiful outsider on the night.

[combust22]

Sorry - I can't think of anything worse than a hen do. I would make up an excuse too.

[PandaFeet]

There eas no investigating involved. It was right there on my news feed when I logged in.

Just to reiterate, I am now perfectly calm. I still believe she has been rude, but I don't care. I have too much else to do to be worrying about her.

Though just for the record, she would know others at the hen. Which is why I keep coming back to the conclusion that she doesn't like me. There is honestly no good reason for her to not be at my hen do. Whatever the opinion of hen dos is on here, fact is she has been to many others that were loud and garish compared to mine. If anything, I would have thought she would have went for her brother, because everyone else is trying to not cause a row before his wedding, why isn't she?!

[AlpacaPicnic]

Panda, can I come instead? I'd love a good night out, and a wedding too!

Someone up thread about a million posts ago hyperbole said or implied that people just don't get excited about other peoples weddings... I must seriously be in the minority because I love other peoples weddings. I'd love to go to more, but sadly all my friends are singletons geeks who will never ever get married. And I've never been a bridesmaid

But to get back to the point... YANBU but you are wise to vent in here rather than in real life. You can't 'win' this situation.

[StealthPolarBear]

Do ypu hate going out in general combust?

[combust22]

Not at all stealth, I love going out, restaurants, theatre, picnics, friends homes, it's just the idea of a hen night fills me with horror. Dressing up in silly outfits and getting pissed - no thanks.

[fluffyraggies]

Maybe she prefers loud and garish? What sort of do are you having?

As others have said i wouldn't have expected my DHs sister to come on an outing with me 'for her brother's sake'. A few drinks with your mates before you get married doesn't automatically include your future SIL. As she is to be a BM it was right and good of you to invite her, but she may not see THIS hen do as one for her, or as an extension of the wedding.

[PandaFeet]

Its a quiet do, no silly outfits or willy straws. No getting stupidly drunk. Honestly, it really isn't that bad.

The hen do does automatically include sil when she's a bridesmaid.

[fluffyraggies]

This:

Maybe she prefers loud and garish? What sort of do are you having?

was in response to this:

OP - fact is she has been to many others that were loud and garish compared to mine.

btw

[ApocalypseThen]

There is honestly no good reason for her to not be at my hen do.

There is a good reason. She doesn't want to go. She doesn't have to want to go, she doesn't have to go. There's a good chance it's nothing even slightly personal but she just doesn't find you as important a person in her life as you are in your own.

[SirChenjin]

Do the people who endure hen dos and weddings also hate nights out and big parties with their families and friends?

I think there is an assumption that hen dos will involve dressing up with L plates and getting very drunk and squealy with 'the girls', or going on a weekend to Barcelona, or a spa with cocktails in the jacuzzi - they seem to have evolved into something that isn't simply a party or night out with your mates, it's a contrived thing. I'm not a huge fan of them at all, and would probably find an excuse not to go if it was one of the above - but a party with my mates or friends where it's just a relaxed get-together? Count me in.

[fluffyraggies]

Hmmm, i think you should automatically invite a SIL BM (as you have done) - but i don't think she should automatically have to go.

[SirChenjin]

mates or family

[fluffyraggies]

I'm glad you are calm now OP anyway. It is good to vent.

Have you answered her yet?

[PandaFeet]

God. I get that this thread is putting me in a bad light and as soon as anyone on her says wedding there must be a bridezilla, but I really don't think I am so important.

I make no demands of other people. I help people and expect nothing in return. I would never ask too much off anyone. Hence why I got the dresses myself (after sending them pics and getting their opinions) and I didn't have anyone go with me to try on my dress. All that was so I wouldn't intrude on their lives or ask too much.

I have kept talking about the wedding to a minimum and left it to others to bring up becasue I didn't want to be a bore. When I planned the hen I consulted all of them and they were all up for it, I checked that it was affordable etc. The first thing we were going to do was twice the price and she was ready to give me the money there and then as it needed paid in full in advance. I have been really relaxed about everything, and I still can't see why she cannot come to one evening out before I marry her brother.

But obviously IABU to think that perhaps us being SILs should work both ways.

[Mintyy]

Yanbu to think that someone who has agreed to be your bridesmaid and who has accepted an invitation to your hen do, should then bloody well attend the hen do and not just pull out of it for a night out with friends, and lie about it to you to boot! Yanbu at all, and anyone on this thread who says otherwise obviously also has extremely dubious manners.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

LittlePea has it - I'd bet it was actually MIL who really wanted DSIL to be bridesmaid, so decided that it was what DSIL wanted - because that is exactly what my DM, who loves to play puppet master to create what she thinks looks like a perfect family scene did would do.

[ApocalypseThen]

She is, I would imagine, fully aware that she's a courtesy invite as a bridesmaid and to the hen party.