AIBU: MNHQ's thoughts and what you can do

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello there

We've seen a fair number of posts recently about AIBU, and specifically about whether there's a problem in terms of some posters being gratuitously aggressive, even if the posts aren't particularly guideline-breaking in any other way.

We've done some careful monitoring of AIBU over the last couple of weeks and... We agree. Quite a few threads in AIBU do seem to veer off into a pointlessly unpleasant direction with very little provocation.

So from now on, we're going be looking out for posters who seem to put the boot in a bit too readily, and we'll be dropping them "polite mails" asking them to draw their horns in a bit. (And then if they carry on, we'll take further action.)

We'll also remove the text from the header about AIBU not being a fight club, because it's possible that this was (perversely) prompting people to think it was a fight club.

We'd really, really like to enlist your help in making AIBU a more pleasant and constructive place to post.

First off, please don't feel you have wait for an MNHQ response: the MN forums are what you, collectively, make of them, and you can set the tone. If you think an OP is being rounded on, go on and post - and say (without making personal attacks) if you think other posts have crossed a line in terms of meanness or aggression. (Feel free to refer posters back to this thread!)

But also, please report. Not necessarily because you think a post is deletable, but if you think a poster could do with getting one of our polite mails.

To be completely clear: AIBU is exactly the same as all the other topics on Mumsnet, and the same rules apply. Ideally, we want MN to be a place where people can discuss, share, entertain each other, and seek advice and support. It's not a place for posters to take lumps out of each other for no reason, and with no intention of offering constructive/interesting/funny input.

Thanks,
MNHQ

The hardcore of nasties she is talking about are me and a couple of posters with kids with SN.

Who certainly dont bait people.

Ah, so this bit is ATAT.

Actually it was another disabled toilets thread you called us that on. So you seem to make a habit of this.

Sorry if my tone offends anyone but felt I had to address this.

Anyway as you were. Sorry everyone. Had to say that.

Have to go now.

Fanjo. I am taking about a totally different thread with the child.

And yes in the other one you are referring to I ranted and flounced off because what I said was a bit clunky but in a spirit of understanding but I explained clearly my real meaning which of course was ignored. That's exactly the tactic I am talking about. My rant was total exasperation that what I wanted to express was taken and twisted and made something totally different.

I maintain there is still as much wit, tomfoolery and support as there was when I joined in 2010, just that it doesn't feel like that because there's more dross diluting it.

Ten good threads out of fifty feels like many. Ten out of a thousand...

Repeat it was not the disabled toilet thread I was talking about.

And to set the record straight. The OP had said she had explained to someone her child's difficulties. If she had given the same explanation to me I would have been happy to let her use the toilet ahead of me and my disabled grandson. In that instance everyone piled in because I had stated I would demand an explanation from anyone with a hidden disability ........obviously not the case!

that is how it's twisted. I was being perfectly reasonable but was driven 2 pages later to being nasty and out of character. But I can see a bit of PA creeping in again

I have only commented on the one disabled toilet thread, so please don't misrepresent me.

Sneezecakesmum.

You said exactly the same to us on the disabled toilets thread. And were deleted.

It is relevant. And I am not misinterpreting you.

I have had my say. Don't want huge argument but wanted to say it.

There is no 'PA" here.

I dont do PA

Am not even being A.

Just wanted to address your comments.

There were no "tactics" on that thread btw.

You are just using exactly the same tactics now.

I was not deleted from the only disabled toilet thread I posted on because I did not object to a phobic child using a disabled toilet, but because I was sick of 2 pages of just the same type of misrepresentation I am getting now.

I am using no tactics.

I am addressing your misinterpretation of people disagreeing with you.

Anyway have said my piece.

I think as mentioned up thread, a problem is when a poster posts in AIBU but clearly doesn't think they are and then starts spewing offensive terms around at other posters.

Don't want to do a TAAT so won't go into specifics but a month or so ago there was a thread where on the basis of the information given the OP seemed unreasonable. Didn't like that, threw a few insults round and said that what she'd hears about the site was obviously right. Days later her friend came on and posted soemthing similar - how people had rounded on the OP of the first thread and been nasty and really upset her. People who hadn't linked the two threads were obviously felt sorry for the original OP and there were many comments about "sad that AIBU is like this these days" but I actually felt the problem, had been with the original OP refusing to consider any of the viewpoints put across or that she may have been unreasonable - WHY POST IN AIBU THEN??? The whole "everyone is so nasty" thing annoyed me as people hadn't been on that particular thread but because it hadn't gone how the OP wanted, she then threw insults round which of course didn't go too well.

I saw comments up thread mentioning red/green arrowing comments and various pros/cons of doing so. How about if the OP was rated Yes YABU or NO YANBU? would that work?

I have a suggestion :) What about replacing the 'Most Active' sidebar tab with a random selection of threads active in the past hour? This ought to raise the profile of more neglected areas, while still keeping the board lively. You could call it 'Active Now' or summat.

People looking for an adrenalin hit can still use Last 15 Minutes.

I agree with those lamenting pointless jokey threads, and that the change is due to a surge of new members trying to join in but missing the tone. I disagree that Rowan's OP means nothing has changed. HQ's asking us to give them a heads-up when posters are persistently bringing threads down by acting spuriously offended and/or offensive. This is a very big change imo.

Hah, I quite like that idea Starry! I'm dead against it for individual posts, but for an AIBU OP it's both informative and witty.

Sorry but people chose to read into what I said a generalisation about me standing guard over a disabled toilet and demanding an explanation as to why they weren't in a wheelchair.

I explained that if the OP had said to me what she had said to another woman I wouldn't have objected. I didn't say I would demand she gave me an explanation. It puts a totally different slant on it.

That is exactly how others are also misrepresented on AIBU and which I have serious doubts MNHQ will be able to get rid of.

I just want a way of totally hiding certain topics but it is apparently being set up again by the tech team.

Could you please take your personal issue onto a new thread, Sneeze?

You can hide topics.

Garlic. MN have a facility for only putting up active conversations from topics you are interesting so AIBU can be hidden completely unless you look for it.

But it's not bloody working! Please please MNHQ sort it out please please please........

Here you go [helpful] www.mumsnet.com/Talk/topic-choice

MN's terminology of TAAT is crap. Other sites call it "transferring issues" or "transferring drama" which covers all the "you said ... no I didn't" crap and the "hey OP last week you said your H hadn't taken the bins out - that combined with this makes me say LTB" crap.

Because actually spin-off threads can be some of the most interesting and least offensive, but here people jump on and say TAAT and refuse to engage.

It's really bad form either way and really very boring for onlookers.

Garlic I did not bring up my personal issue. Fandjo did this. My comments (please read) were all generalisations until she decided to bring in an issue on a different thread and I felt I had to defend myself again!

Oh, I see, you want them hidden from Most Active? Pity, I don't! I've got half the forum hidden, but sometimes get tempted into one by an interesting title :) I like that they pop up on TIO after I've posted, too.

Garlic. I've tried it and emailed MNHQ but it's broken so they are trying to fix it.

I will give it a go again as it may be working.