AIBU: MNHQ's thoughts and what you can do

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello there

We've seen a fair number of posts recently about AIBU, and specifically about whether there's a problem in terms of some posters being gratuitously aggressive, even if the posts aren't particularly guideline-breaking in any other way.

We've done some careful monitoring of AIBU over the last couple of weeks and... We agree. Quite a few threads in AIBU do seem to veer off into a pointlessly unpleasant direction with very little provocation.

So from now on, we're going be looking out for posters who seem to put the boot in a bit too readily, and we'll be dropping them "polite mails" asking them to draw their horns in a bit. (And then if they carry on, we'll take further action.)

We'll also remove the text from the header about AIBU not being a fight club, because it's possible that this was (perversely) prompting people to think it was a fight club.

We'd really, really like to enlist your help in making AIBU a more pleasant and constructive place to post.

First off, please don't feel you have wait for an MNHQ response: the MN forums are what you, collectively, make of them, and you can set the tone. If you think an OP is being rounded on, go on and post - and say (without making personal attacks) if you think other posts have crossed a line in terms of meanness or aggression. (Feel free to refer posters back to this thread!)

But also, please report. Not necessarily because you think a post is deletable, but if you think a poster could do with getting one of our polite mails.

To be completely clear: AIBU is exactly the same as all the other topics on Mumsnet, and the same rules apply. Ideally, we want MN to be a place where people can discuss, share, entertain each other, and seek advice and support. It's not a place for posters to take lumps out of each other for no reason, and with no intention of offering constructive/interesting/funny input.

Thanks,
MNHQ

HotPink But they already pull them, don't they? Possibly I didn't make it plain that I think they're already on it.

Reading the OP, apart from removing the fight club reference, it seems that they're just re-stating the rules: if you don't like it, report.

I'm not sure about the "rounding" on someone, as several posters can compose posts at the same time and they all arrive as a barrage. Perhaps we can have a queueing system. Or possibly many poster disagree with an OP. Can happen.

I think it is great that the cliquey, twee, mutual admiration society has gone!

I think a twenty second gap from opening a thread to being able to post on it would be interesting.
Time to think 'you know what-I don't think I'll bother to post after all'

Or the 'Post Message' box replaced with a 'Are you sure?' box.

I generally love aibu.

I think one of your biggest problems though is there is a culture of people being snarky/witty and whilst sometimes that is brilliant (where posts are on more trivial issues) I think there are a lot of posters who see this and try and replicate it, to be thought equally witty or popular. Except they're just downright mean.

The other issue is people posting there who want support and are maybe vulnerable. People pile in going 'you're upset about that?' X happened to me and that is a real problem, this is nothing. Op then often gets very distressed, and is forced to say, ' well actually I was just raped/have zero family support/have a disabled child and am getting no sleep' and it turns out they just aren't coping in general. They of course then go off feeling very attacked and even more isolated. I've seen this several times recently. It makes my blood boil. I think coming on and belittling someone and saying 'what happened to me is worse, you have no right to be upset' is horrible. No one ever knows the context of what's being posted.

V good post lowcarb. Given the likely barrage of tit for tat reporting that is going to come HQ might as well just preempt by proactively moderating aibu tbh

Oh sorry, I thought you meant it should be down to tech and Hq to actually read through all the guy bins on here and edit/delete, father than rely on us reporting.

*gubbins

Glad to see this HQ. I posted in AIBU for the first time (in four years!) last night and was sweaty-palmed as I thought at one stage the thread was turning.

Instead, a couple of people made unpleasant posts (calling me self-congratulatory, smug, and boring) and thankfully others called them out on it. It went on to be a very helpful thread for me. MN at its best.

Am I missing something or has the whole warning about AIBU being what it is has disappeared? Can't see it any more.

I agree Maryz

Every now and again some of us have a look and set to answering them but it must feel so awful to have your thread ignored (often important subjects) for the toxic thrills of AIBU.

I've been here for hundreds of years as well and I can't say I've noticed it changed that much either, really. There's still intelligent debate but you might have to look in specific areas for it - In the news, the philosophy and belief bit etc. And people have always jumped in without reading the first post. As though they feel compelled to post their views on everything - like the sound of their own typing.
I would never post about a personal problem here to ask for advice though - which is a shame because I know their are really helpful posters here - but I know how much mental energy is wasted on negative posts. I got pissy comments because I was "a little bit annoyed" to be asked if I wanted milk in an Americano

Agree too Maryz. Like PP have said, that's when you get the 'posting in AIBU' for traffic but because of the nature of the beast, the tone and information can be miles away from what the OP is looking for.

Like I said on the other thread, and someone else has suggested here, it'd be interesting to suspend AIBU for, say, a week, and encourage people to use specific topics. Would it dilute the agression that can build I wonder?

For example the 'What would you do' topic used to be much more active before AIBU became the default go-to topic. WWYD? is a much more constructive title than AIBU? Just a matter of semantics, but it does affect responses.

The other issue of people posting in AIBU 'for the traffic' does not appear to be being addressed, and I think this contributes to the overall problem.

I don't think it's really changed, just grown.

Yy to the concerns about Unanswered and how that matters. Timing your thread right makes all the difference, but you can't choose when your child is weirdly ill, or someone is banging on your door and frightening you, or your abusive H goes out for a bit.

::wanders off to Unanswered to redress the balance slightly::

I miss the tomfoolery we used to have.

Hope we get it back. Or am I wishful thinking ?

This sounds like a good idea but I have my doubts it will work long term because the people who post vile wind up posts are clever enough not to break talk guidelines.

Their tricks are to pick up on a sentence and completely ignore the spirit of the post, twist what was written and attack the poster.

In my own case I tried again and again to state the situation as they 'appeared' not to have understood, only for that explanation to be completely ignored and their interpretation taken as gospel, so of course others piled in to condemn me!

It took a nice MNer to private message me to inform me I was being baited and to just hide my thread.

It was very upsetting as it involved a young child being physically assaulted and here I was being told it was my fault for not protecting him better.

There are a hardcore of 'nasties' who pile in to attack someone and they are not easy to pin down with the talk guidelines. Plus plenty of new 'nasties' who like to follow their lead.

I can't see this working MNHQ because they are often quite subtle in their attacks by simply disagreeing with the poster and using the above methods, even though a normal person would be very much in agreement.

I just want a reliable way of making AIBU disappear off my radar.

I think AIBU should be renamed the 'passive aggressive' thread.

Sounds rubbish sneeze but the way I understand it they will delete now if the poster is being an arse but sneakily to stay in guidelines?

It's PA heaven isn't it.

The only place I know of where a smile is an insult

Sneezecakes mum I thought you had flounced in a huff.

I was one if the people disagreeing with you and just disagreed with you while obviously not agreeing that a child should be assaulted.

So you are misinterpreting at least one person as being on a wind up eho was just disagreeing with you.

Wasn't being a "hardcore nasty" either.

I seem to remember a very nasty post from you which was deleted before you stormed off though.

Sneeze you seem to be criticising those who don't agree with OP as out of order, and those who agree with the disagree-er as also out of order. As are those who follow the guidelines.

If there is a "hard core" of "nasties" as you suggest, then surely MN knows this?

And as for a "nice MNer who PMed you that you were being baited" I suggest they were a shit stirrer. Because I was on that thread when you got angry and none of the people were baiting you.

They were just disagreeing and you got ragey.

They had reasons for doing so too and werent just being goady fuckers like you do get on aIBU