AIBU: MNHQ's thoughts and what you can do

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello there

We've seen a fair number of posts recently about AIBU, and specifically about whether there's a problem in terms of some posters being gratuitously aggressive, even if the posts aren't particularly guideline-breaking in any other way.

We've done some careful monitoring of AIBU over the last couple of weeks and... We agree. Quite a few threads in AIBU do seem to veer off into a pointlessly unpleasant direction with very little provocation.

So from now on, we're going be looking out for posters who seem to put the boot in a bit too readily, and we'll be dropping them "polite mails" asking them to draw their horns in a bit. (And then if they carry on, we'll take further action.)

We'll also remove the text from the header about AIBU not being a fight club, because it's possible that this was (perversely) prompting people to think it was a fight club.

We'd really, really like to enlist your help in making AIBU a more pleasant and constructive place to post.

First off, please don't feel you have wait for an MNHQ response: the MN forums are what you, collectively, make of them, and you can set the tone. If you think an OP is being rounded on, go on and post - and say (without making personal attacks) if you think other posts have crossed a line in terms of meanness or aggression. (Feel free to refer posters back to this thread!)

But also, please report. Not necessarily because you think a post is deletable, but if you think a poster could do with getting one of our polite mails.

To be completely clear: AIBU is exactly the same as all the other topics on Mumsnet, and the same rules apply. Ideally, we want MN to be a place where people can discuss, share, entertain each other, and seek advice and support. It's not a place for posters to take lumps out of each other for no reason, and with no intention of offering constructive/interesting/funny input.

Thanks,
MNHQ

I always thought it would make sense to have a forum for people who want to post something without people knowing who they are and only allowing people to name change on that one forum or something.

I do think NC changes the tone of the board for the worse. It's also really hard to get to know anyone when people change their names so often. I quite like knowing a bit of poster's history.

But I never say anything online that I wouldn't be happy for friends or family to find and I am used to being on forums where NC wasn't allowed so I had to think about everything I posted and if I wanted that information out there for people to track.

I regularly nc, rarely post, but like a) using a different name depending on what I've been reading/watching/listening to of late and b) I'm paranoid that people are monitoring my internet usage and will be able to compile huge swathes of information about me (from the 5ish posts I do on every 6 month ish nc). Mainly the first reason. Basically, can we please keep being allowed to nc.

Please don't mess with the nc ability. People put far too much very personal info on here which via google etc is ver traceable. Look at vicar. Poor lady. This is the internet and whilst people are nice they are not my friends and I wouldn't know them in the street. I know people like familiarity but nc is a necessary tech in internet useage.

This is good news.
I'm crapwith remembering posters but there are a couple , at the moment, that as soon as they appear on a thread I stop reading. They are like a dog with a bone and very often derail the thread , because they are right and everyone else is wrong.

U2TheEdge I agree, it's just nice to get to know a few posters here and there and I like recognising names! Someone upthread said they namechanged 100 times... goodness me, I would have no idea who I was meant to be!

I also don't post anything that I don't want anyone out there to know about. I have had my fingers burnt once, never again as it caused me huge problems. so I now just warble on with fluffy inconsequential posts

NCing to me is like having lots of fake personas and a bit of an open invitation to cause trouble. I do know that some need to NC for very valid reasons though.

If MN have a feature where they can see if someone is NCing immediately, whether the thread is reported or not, I don't think there's any reason to change the namechange feature at all. (Did they say there was? Everyone seems very worried about it)

I'm not blogging. I'm not trying to create a following. Don't care if you like me. I'll happily help where I can, discuss news, ask for help but I have friends in RL. I don't come here for friends and this fb fakery of 'liking'. I canvass opinion, I need advice from other experiences outside my own. I don't see why we shouldn't stay as is. The people who count, mnhq, can follow posters who nc. It's not to us to do so.

I think it's just what I am used to.

I belong to a big debate forum and have known posters for over 10 years and it is great to know their history and watch their children grow up.

I guess not everyone wants that though but I admit to finding it quite strange at first that it doesn't seem to be that way here.

MN has some great people who are smart and funny so I love posting here, but I do sometimes wish I could know more about the posters I interact with and name changing makes that hard to do.

But yeah, people are right. It shouldn't be taken away from people just because some people abuse it or others would like to get to know people a bit better.

I also don't care if anyone reads my old posts though. I am very picky in what I share. I share quite a lot , but if it doesn't pass my 'would I want my family to read this or know this about me?' test then I won't post it. I realise I am lucky that so far, I haven't had a need to post something that really does need to be anon due to a serious situation. Some of the things people NC change for do make me especially the ones where they are posting something really innocuous.

I think it a good idea. I think it would be better if the thread goes badly and OP asks for it to be deleted to actually delete it.

Everything you post can be added up. On individual threads what you write seems very inconsequential but across multiple boards and threads every crumb can leave a very different picture. Write on a few you love a glass of wine? By the tenth time someone else could paint you a closet alcoholic.

I've been various. I was one for a long time. But a recent situation for Vicarinatutu really brought home how firms will use stuff against you. I changed. I'll change now at least every month. Otherwise I might as well post under my RL name.

Hello hello hello, great to see that something is being done about AIBU, it's one of the more shite areas of MN that gives me the right arse, and I love MN otherwise.

Re the NCing. I'm another that rarely NCs (says she in her month old guise). What about names becoming EveDallasRetd Aug 06. On another forum (I know, sorry) I am:
"MyName"
"Member Since 2003"
"Posts 2129"

(Or use the ARRSE model and have medals, gained after so many thousand posts - but I don't think that's a great idea for here, some people would be falling over under the weight of their waffling!)

I find that 'Jo Bloggs, Awesome poster of the 7th Dan!' style of showing how many posts you've made really, really irritating. There's a local blog I sometimes use which bestows titles like that on posters after a certain number of posts. I find it just as distracting as tickers and flashing emoticons.

at Eve

I would probably have to leave in shame if I had my post numbers- Just imagine other MNers watching it ratchet up on a bad afternoon

I was specifically thinking of you when I posted about the medals lovey , well you and Sparklingbrook. You'd look like an American solider with a chest full of ribbons.

DW about the NC thing. I'm still getting used to it, and you know what, I don't like it . I think I may change back, the new me is pretty bored already, and it's been less than a month...

We all deserve medals for sticking with MN in these turbulent bunfighty times.

Good lord, Maryz, they're turning into Daleks.

There you are Maryz.

I'd like the whole bloody section to go tbh, or doing something to get rid of the "posting in AIBU for traffic" crap. Looking at the current list of thread titles it seems that over half of them should be in other sections - threads that cover relationships, health concerns, etc, as well as tons of just random subjects that would get just as much traffic in Active Conversations if AIBU wasn't so dominant.

I suspect so many newish MNers have no idea of the number of topics here, and never look for them. A friend in RL joined MN very recently and actually referred to it (ie the site) as "Am I Being Unreasonable" in a conversation

Best photo EVER!

I can never tell who a NC poster used to be, unless it's obvious and the new nn reflects their old nn (like ExitPursuedByA(Koala)Bear, for eg)

I think there is something about tone and making comments they actually add something to the discussion. My very first report on MN was a post that simply said "cunts", which is a pretty good example of one that is offensive in tone and would seldom add anything meaningful.

Have skipped a few pages so apologies if this idea has been mooted and dispensed with already.. Would it be possible to have a delay on nc so a poster would have to request an nc from MNHQ and it would take a few hours / a day / whatever to be activated. This would still allow posters to change for a delicate thread that they really needed to post but stop people ncing on a whim just to post a nasty comment on an active thread.

Of course that would be useless for someone wanting to nc for an emergency but I can't think that really happen very often, does it?

Just a thought...