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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think children shouldn't choose if they have contact with NRP if no welfare concerns?

353 replies

HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 13:46

DP has a contact order regarding his 7 and 9 year old children. Their mum has constantly breached it and uses the reason that it's the childrens choice - for example - DS doesn't want phone contact, he's busy on the iPad, DD has decided she'd rather go to her friends party and she wants me to take her, DS doesn't want to come because you don't have a paddling pool and he thinks he'll get too hot Confused

Sometimes it's both DC that don't come, sometimes just one. Last time DD 'didn't feel likeit' and when DS ddiscussed a planned and paid for day out next week, he asked if DD was coming and DP replied 'no idea, she'll be the one missing out if she chooses not to.' AIBU to think that this is the wrong attitude and that the DC shouldn't be able to choose whether they come for contact any more than they can choose whether or not to go to school? They are always happy here and there's no welfare concerns but they are very much manipulated by their mum who bribes them to stay ('we could've gone to Thorpe park, but you're going to your dad's...) and tells them she'll ne lonely without them.

DP seems resigned to this messing around but they are back in court for review next month and I think he should ask the judge to ensure that DSC mum must adhere to the order and not put the DC in the middle. What do you think?

OP posts:
FrankSaysNo · 23/07/2014 13:49

I don't think it's any of your business. It is for your boyfriend and his ex to sort out.

I think at 7 I'd rather go to a party than look at my dad and his new girlfriend too.

FidelineAndBombazine · 23/07/2014 13:52

The fact sometimes one or other comes suggest that she is NOT in fact determinedly frustrating contact.

And I agree with PP - leave it to the parents.

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 13:52

I'm not his 'new girlfriend', we've been together for 5 yrs and I have a DD who is like a sister to them as well as being pregnant with their twin siblings so I would certainly say it is my business.

OP posts:
Berryglitter · 23/07/2014 13:53

At their ages they should be able to have a say in how they spend their time. Seems like they'd rather be with mum.

Leave it to the parents to sort out. Yabu

Doingakatereddy · 23/07/2014 13:53

Do you think children like having to split their time between two parents? Maybe sometimes they just want a rest and don't fancy it.

Projecting that it's their Mums fault will not end well

bobbywash · 23/07/2014 13:54

If it's an order for contact, then the children are to young to choose, which is why it was made, the Mum is in breach of the order.

However, it is rally for the parents to sort out. If your DP wants your support or advice then fine, but unless he asks, it's not something in which you should immerse yourself.

hoobypickypicky · 23/07/2014 13:56

YABU. There's no reason why a child should be forced into what could almost be described as a 'social situation' if he doesn't want to go. It's unnecessary, inessential for the DC to see or speak to their DF every occasion.

Why would you force it? It will only lead to resentment and mistrust.

RP to child: "You must come to Waitrose with me, we have no food in and I have no-one to care for you". Fine.

RP to child: "You must go to Dad's because I have a hospital appointment" Fine.

RP to child: "You must go to Dads because I/he/his new wife says so" is akin to "You must go to Joshua's birthday party because we say so". Not fine.

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 13:56

Last time DS explained he'd agreed with his mum and sister that he'd come and test it out to see if it's worth their while coming, or if mum can provide a better time Hmm

OP posts:
TurboWithAKick · 23/07/2014 13:58

So that means the NRP has to close down computer games and force the dc onto the phone/into the car/ out of the house..... And be the 'baddie'.... Why should they have to do that on top of all the other lone parent stuff??

Berryglitter · 23/07/2014 13:59

Would you force your dd to see your exdp if she wanted to stay with you? Why should a child be forced to go somewhere they don't want to, just to please their parents. That's vile.

hoobypickypicky · 23/07/2014 13:59

"I have a DD who is like a sister to them as well as being pregnant with their twin siblings so I would certainly say it is my business."

Woah! Hold it right there!

It's not your business. These are not your children. They won't thank you for interfering and tbh if I were your boyfriend or their mother, neither would I.

EarthWindFire · 23/07/2014 13:59

If your DPs ex is breaching the contact order then you have two options... Mediation or back to court.

The children's ages mean that although their wishes may be listened to and may be taken into consideration to a small degree, the final day would lie with the court.

tiggerkid · 23/07/2014 14:00

I hate any situation in which kids are manipulated by either parent because their welfare should always come first. However, I'd be inclined to think that if your DP is ok with this, then I'd leave it to him and his ex to sort. If he isn't, then it's up to him to discuss this with his ex. I am sure there is a way in which he can enforce the order to see his children if he wants that.

FidelineAndBombazine · 23/07/2014 14:00

DS explained he'd agreed with his mum and sister that he'd come and test it out

There you go. His mum was encouraging him to come.

She is wise enough not to try strong arm tactics with that age group. Intelligent woman.

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 14:01

How about just being matter of fact hooby - he is your father, you are going to stay with him. Same as - I have decided you're going to school, you must attend.

The children do want to come, they constantly ask to stay longer and come more. But in the abstract, when mum promises theme parks, takeaways, holidays instead of our normal family life of swimming and bike rides then of course they'll stay with her. She's manipulating them and that isn't right in my opinion.

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 23/07/2014 14:01

If their dad was concerned then he'd be the one posting.

Imo no they shouldn't be forced to come and friends parties are definitely the more preferable option at their age.

SlicedAndDiced · 23/07/2014 14:02

Op, could I interest you in our stepmom bingo thread? Grin

TurboWithAKick · 23/07/2014 14:02

Your opinion doesn't matter though op.... Not one jot!

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 14:04

No Fideline, DS was gently letting his mum down after being repeatedly asked 'wouldn't you rather stay and do X, Y, Z with me?' He shouldn't have to excuse away wanting to see his dad to placate his mum.

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 23/07/2014 14:04

I don't agree my ds would choose a bike ride and swimming over a theme park or takeaway if he was in good company.

Pyjamaramadrama · 23/07/2014 14:06

How can you be so sure what their mum is saying to them? Were you there?

OwlCapone · 23/07/2014 14:07

You don't even live together yet. It's none of your business.

FidelineAndBombazine · 23/07/2014 14:07

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 14:07

DP has the same opinion, he is just resigned to the fact that ultimately their mum will succeed in alienating them from him whereas I think it's not too late to stop that from happening.

OP posts:
TurboWithAKick · 23/07/2014 14:08

So what do you suggest happens next op?

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