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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think children shouldn't choose if they have contact with NRP if no welfare concerns?

353 replies

HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 13:46

DP has a contact order regarding his 7 and 9 year old children. Their mum has constantly breached it and uses the reason that it's the childrens choice - for example - DS doesn't want phone contact, he's busy on the iPad, DD has decided she'd rather go to her friends party and she wants me to take her, DS doesn't want to come because you don't have a paddling pool and he thinks he'll get too hot Confused

Sometimes it's both DC that don't come, sometimes just one. Last time DD 'didn't feel likeit' and when DS ddiscussed a planned and paid for day out next week, he asked if DD was coming and DP replied 'no idea, she'll be the one missing out if she chooses not to.' AIBU to think that this is the wrong attitude and that the DC shouldn't be able to choose whether they come for contact any more than they can choose whether or not to go to school? They are always happy here and there's no welfare concerns but they are very much manipulated by their mum who bribes them to stay ('we could've gone to Thorpe park, but you're going to your dad's...) and tells them she'll ne lonely without them.

DP seems resigned to this messing around but they are back in court for review next month and I think he should ask the judge to ensure that DSC mum must adhere to the order and not put the DC in the middle. What do you think?

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 23/07/2014 14:08

"How about just being matter of fact hooby - he is your father, you are going to stay with him. Same as - I have decided you're going to school, you must attend."

Because I don't bully my kids into doing inessential things that the y don't want to do! Is that matter of fact enough for you?

More frank still, I'd not be displeased that my children were opting to spend less time under the influence of an interfering woman who considers the parenting of my children her business! I'd want my children far, far removed from that kind of insidious interference.

I'm still Shock by your attitude, that you think that what other parents DC choose to do is your business tbh.

I guess that if the mother didn't offer to take her kids out to theme parks and on holiday she'd be dismissed as not doing things for and with them and a bad parent in comparison to her more involved ex husband. The poor cow can't win!

LadySybilLikesCake · 23/07/2014 14:08

"when mum promises theme parks, takeaways, holidays instead of our normal family life of swimming and bike rides then of course they'll stay with her." Is she not allowed to take them on holiday or to a theme park? Confused Why should she not treat them?

FidelineAndBombazine · 23/07/2014 14:09

OP even if she is dreadful, why are you making yourself look dreadful too?

You sound so catty.

SlicedAndDiced · 23/07/2014 14:09

Op you should know better.

Sc are none of your business. Unless they need a lift, or you should give them three rooms in your house, or if your paying for a holiday and excluding them, or if bio mum thinks she can get more money out of you paying the maintenance.

Then it can be a bit of your business Grin

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 14:09

On 'her' weekends with the children, they play on the street or are left with grandparents. That's their normal life. The expensive trips materialising on dads weekends with the children are hardly a coincidence.

OP posts:
catsmother · 23/07/2014 14:09

OP - you may get a more objective response on the stepparenting board Smile.

The fact a contact order exists at all suggests that there's been past contact problems I take it ? ..... as parents who can be reasonable, honest, communicative and fair when it comes to contact don't actually need such a thing. Therefore, although I guess you can't say for absolute certain how much manipulation is going on, your background suggests that it's not beyond the realms of possibility and yes, if a parent tells their child that they "could have been" doing something special "but you're going to your dad's" that IS manipulation ..... or parental alienation for that matter. I mean, WHY on earth would someone say that to them otherwise if not to shit stir and divide loyalties ?

FWIW, I think it is your business to an extent. You need to know within the bounds of reason who's coming, who's not and when so you can plan ahead and prepare for them. In addition, you also have to offer support to your DP who's no doubt upset hurt and frustrated by this situation.

I also agree that at their ages it's not fair to choose one parent vs the other when arguably time with each of them is equally important. They are very likely to be swayed by being bribed - and no, I don't think this is projection on your part as I assume you haven't made up the fact that she tells them she'll be lonely, or the theme park bit .... guess that could have only come from the kids themselves ? IMO, she's verging on emotional abuse by placing those kids in that position - no doubt that'll be a very unpopular thing to say - but of course small kids are going to be swayed by a) feeling sorry for "lonely" mummy and b) promises of exciting stuff if they DON'T see their dad. Take it one step further and those kids will feel "bad" and "guilty" when they do see their dad because they'll know their mum isn't happy when they do so. It can really mess with their minds.

Anyone who doubts this hasn't been through it. I have, my partner has ... we've had years of similar and it has long lasting repercussions on all our family relationships as well as particular individual's mental well being. It is NOT on to put such a weight on young kids shoulders. With the exception - obviously - of welfare issues then a relationship with the NRP should be encouraged - regardless of your personal feelings towards your ex.

Mordirig · 23/07/2014 14:10

I think that with twins on the way you have more impertinent things to concentrate on.
I bet in a year you will be grateful for your boyfriends lack of interest in his first born children.

HorizontalRunningOnly · 23/07/2014 14:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Uv quite clearly highlighted that mum is offering bribes and making them feel bad by saying she will be lovely. I also agree totally as step mum it is ur business as an extended family with sibling 2 and 3 on they way to be concerned how this will carry on. However it is totally ur DP's role to get this sorted out as their father while u support him. Sounds tricky situation tho. Smile

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 14:11

So hooby. You see children having a relationship with their fathers, paternal family and siblings as 'inessential'?

How sad.

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 23/07/2014 14:12

If he's acting so defeated perhaps the children can sense that.

I think you should leave it for the children's mum and dad to sort out. If their dad is concerned then he will do everything he can to maintain a relationship with his children. I know I would if it were my ds.

And I definitely don't think the children should be forced into missing their friends birthday parties.

Whilewildeisonmine · 23/07/2014 14:12

YANBU. There are some strange opinions of step families on this board.

SlicedAndDiced · 23/07/2014 14:14

Seriously come over to step parenting op.

You won't get anything but panty wringing at how you dare think anything at all about the children whose father you have been with for years and who share half siblings through you.

Didn't you know a bio mum can never ever manipulate her children?

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 14:14

Not sure how persuing contact through court is him showing a lack of interest Mordirig Hmm

OP posts:
FrankSaysNo · 23/07/2014 14:15

"I have a DD who is like a sister to them as well as being pregnant with their twin siblings so I would certainly say it is my business."

Clearly your DPs children do not consider your child to be their sibling. She isn't , you aren't married, she isn't even legally a step. You might be carrying their half siblings but it doesn't give you any right whatsoever to project that you know better than their natural parents.

CatsCantTwerk · 23/07/2014 14:15

I see the Step Mother bashers are out in full force.

Put your pitchforks down fgs. Hmm

EarthWindFire · 23/07/2014 14:15

I think that with twins on the way you have more impertinent things to concentrate on.
I bet in a year you will be grateful for your boyfriends lack of interest in his first born children.

That is a little harsh and cruel.

There would appear to be a bit of projection going on on this thread. As others have said maybe repost on the step parent forum.

If there is a court order then it has to be applied. No one (DPs ex or DP) can pick and chose to suit. If there is an alteration it should be by consent or alternative.

FraidyCat · 23/07/2014 14:15

Is she not allowed to take them on holiday or to a theme park? confused Why should she not treat them?

I think the (implicit) claim is she only does this to frustrate contact with NRP. Surely no child's life is so full of such treats that they have to overlap with times they're supposed so be with NRP?

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 14:16

What more can he do pyjama? He has sought court ordered contact, been granted it, she's breached it repeatedly - what else can he do?

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 23/07/2014 14:16

Ah, I get you. Nope, she's not being fair. Your DP/DH needs to head back to court.

EarthWindFire · 23/07/2014 14:16

He can go back to court to enforce it.

MagicMojito · 23/07/2014 14:18

I feel so sorry for step parents on here the rules appear to be so choppy and all over the place Hmm

You absolutely have to love them the same as your own children, treat them exactly the same and take responsibility for them as if they were yours
BUT...
It's absolutely none of your business, its between the parents NOT you, butt out its all upto your dh and his exdw how they raise their child.

Tis a minefeild!

That said I do think yabu :)
at their age they need to have a degree of control over how they spend their time, it will only lead to them resenting you both :( I do feel for your dh though.

Original poster
HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 14:19

Frank how on earth do you clearly know what the DC think about their relationships with one another?? They refer to themselves as brothers and sisters and get on brilliantly. We had the DSC the majority of the time for the first three years of our relationship so it's more thanyour aaverage eow relationship.

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 23/07/2014 14:20

"On 'her' weekends with the children, they play on the street or are left with grandparents."

So she's the parent with care and your boyfriend sees them every other weekend?

While they may be out playing or with grandparents the mother is with them the other 10 or 12 days a week depending on any weekday contact arrangement, wiping their noses, cleaning up when they're sick, at the school gate morning and evening and making their dinners each night, more or less, yes?

So with your "playing in the street" mental imagery of bedraggled latchkey kids you have given us a (biased) snapshot of a couple of days out of a fortnight in the life of a lone parent whom you clearly dislike.

how she chooses to parent her (not your) kids during her weekends, letting them do what thousands of others also consider "normal" Hmm or letting them stay with GPs, as I did as a kid sometimes and as my own do now, is not your place to comment! it's not a crime, is it?

fedupbutfine · 23/07/2014 14:20

RP to child: "You must go to Dads because I/he/his new wife says so" is akin to "You must go to Joshua's birthday party because we say so". Not fine.

there are times in life when we all must do things we don't want to do. Including attending social events that we'd rather not because, for 1 or more of potentially thousands of reasons, that is the right thing to do. Dad and new wife do not say so, children have a right to a good quality, unfettered relationship with both their parents.

Because I don't bully my kids into doing inessential things that the y don't want to do! Is that matter of fact enough for you?

a relationship with a parent is 100% essential and should be encouraged (welfare concerns excepted). Allowing one parent to be removed from a child's life is abusive yet there are thousands of women out there doing it in the name of 'but he doesn't want to go to your house because you don't have a paddling pool' crap.

And I'm not even a step parent.

Catrin · 23/07/2014 14:20

As a parent of school age children, the only time you get to do anything with them is weekends. So it is not unreasonable that their mother chooses to do fun things then. I do find it bizarre that you imply the woman is not allowed a takeaway on a weekend as it may detract from their relationship with their father. And if they do indeed pick Dominoes over daddy, it says a lot about how much they want to see him.