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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think children shouldn't choose if they have contact with NRP if no welfare concerns?

353 replies

HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 13:46

DP has a contact order regarding his 7 and 9 year old children. Their mum has constantly breached it and uses the reason that it's the childrens choice - for example - DS doesn't want phone contact, he's busy on the iPad, DD has decided she'd rather go to her friends party and she wants me to take her, DS doesn't want to come because you don't have a paddling pool and he thinks he'll get too hot Confused

Sometimes it's both DC that don't come, sometimes just one. Last time DD 'didn't feel likeit' and when DS ddiscussed a planned and paid for day out next week, he asked if DD was coming and DP replied 'no idea, she'll be the one missing out if she chooses not to.' AIBU to think that this is the wrong attitude and that the DC shouldn't be able to choose whether they come for contact any more than they can choose whether or not to go to school? They are always happy here and there's no welfare concerns but they are very much manipulated by their mum who bribes them to stay ('we could've gone to Thorpe park, but you're going to your dad's...) and tells them she'll ne lonely without them.

DP seems resigned to this messing around but they are back in court for review next month and I think he should ask the judge to ensure that DSC mum must adhere to the order and not put the DC in the middle. What do you think?

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 24/07/2014 16:36

Why can't a stepmum have a say.

We allow teachers, HV,MW, GP sometimes SW and other people have a say regarding some aspect of our children lives.

Playing with young people minds IMO is emotinal abuse

enderwoman · 24/07/2014 17:32

Just to state my background- I am a RP of 3 kids whose Dad sees them 2 hours a week (his choice).

With regular parenting everyone accepts that there's more than one way to do things (hence terms like attachment parenting, natural consequences, routines, BLW etc) but no guru has come up with blended family equivalents.

Considering variables like why parents broke up, how long ago they broke up, how interested they are as a parent, how much support they have, what their personality is like etc you'd expect there to be different methods of living as a blended family. The MN mantra seems to be if the children from the first marriage are happy then everybody else (adult or child) must follow suit. While the children's feelings are extremely important, surely the feelings if OP's children are also important. I think it's cruel for them to grow up in a household where everybody must tiptoe around the children from the first marriage when they just want to get stuck into family life and not worry about the adult politics. (My children are 7,11,13 and post divorce they wanted to just get on with life)

Alita7 · 24/07/2014 18:14

I think if you can afford to go on expensive days out with your kids then great! Organise these trips for the weekends they normally spend with you if their other parent has them some weekends. Organising trips for during their dad's contact time when it's not 100% necessary and not offering to swap weekends or something is not fair on anyone, doing nothing on the weekends you're scheduled to have them and continuously planning the trips for when they go to dad's(particularly if you know he can't afford to offer the same) is manipulation and done to hurt the father and is ruining their relationship with him while they're too young to prioritise a relationship over material things.

Aside from that, even if I could afford to take the kids on these trips every weekend I wouldn't. Because I think it's important for kids to be able to appreciate a range of activities and places to go and to be able to enjoy a family picnic at the park as well as a theme park.

maddening · 24/07/2014 18:40

Well I think simply by being a women living with her partner with whom she has children and step children who she welcomes into her family I think has angered the RPs and if it ain't marriage it ain't a real relationship brigade :)

While the children should feel free to express what they would like to do the mother should not be manipulating her dc against seeing their dad - playing mind games with children to hurt another adult is a shite thing to do - whether this woman is doing that we'll never know. But there are women and men out there that do this.

Yes, your partner should go via the court to ensure more contact and a regime that is stuck to.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/07/2014 23:39

FidelineAndBombazine

"I think a lot of women martyr themselves and poison themselves trying to be saints tether. Why? I don't see many men doing it."

May be you are not looking.

Bankwadgery · 24/07/2014 23:58

Wow there is lots of rubbish being said on this thread! Would anyone really say that children aged 7 and 9 should choose which parent to spend time with? They need and benefit from time with both parents, assuming there is good care given by both then it is only fair and right that both father and mother can have regular time with their children and maintain and develop their relationships.
Children respond much better to routine and structure in my opinion and if they know they see the NRP every other weekend plus one week night (this is the arrangement I have with me exp) then it really helps.
It is sad to see the OP being given such a hard time when it is clear that she has given this a lot of thought and has good intentions. I think there are some trolls around tonight!

TheMumsRush · 25/07/2014 09:45

all the mums saying it's not important that the dc go to dads and they wouldn't enforce it. I bet they would be singing a different song if it were the other way round Hmm

wheresthelight · 25/07/2014 09:48

Exactly mumsrush!!!

If kids lived with dad and he was actively discouraging contact there would be uproar

EarthWindFire · 25/07/2014 09:55

all the mums saying it's not important that the dc go to dads and they wouldn't enforce it. I bet they would be singing a different song if it were the other way round

I agree.

Bonsoir · 25/07/2014 10:09

Lots of mothers believe that it is their right to set the agenda for their DC irrespective of their DC's father's wishes. Whether or not they live as a couple or are separated.

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/07/2014 10:12

And lots of mothers wish that fathers would be more involved Bonsoir.

This is turning into a real mother/woman bashing thread.

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/07/2014 10:18

Oh and btw, I said that I wouldn't force the children to go. Not because I think that a good relationship with their father is not essential or because I think I have the right to dictate, or agree with the children being manipulative.

But, because I think it must be tough on children having to live between two homes, and whilst I think that routine is important, and would like to see more dads taking a 50/50 role including being at the school gates and other more mundane elements of childcare. I also think that it shouldn't have to be formal, in an ideal world if the kids are tired this weekend, or have been invited to a friends, the parents should be flexible and accommodate this, meaning dad could then pick them up midweek for tea, or whatever.

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/07/2014 10:18

Being manipulated.

TheMumsRush · 25/07/2014 10:38

That's not always possible though pj.. Also, the child can still rest at dads if they are tired. It's normal family life. Not fun and games all the time.

TheMumsRush · 25/07/2014 10:40

And you'd be surprised how quickly children adapt and having two homes becomes the norm. It didn't for me when I was young and it has for my own dsc

TheMumsRush · 25/07/2014 10:40

Did**

fromparistoberlin73 · 25/07/2014 10:51

wow people have been harsh to the OP for no apparant reason

that said, getting involved wont bode well OP

needs to be your DP that leads this

tough one , but it needs to him thats leads this, he needs to act with integrity and be the best he can be and keep it civil

bluebell8782 · 25/07/2014 12:09

TheMumsrush I agree. That's one of the things I find very frustrating with my SD's mum - she'll cancel contact because SD is tired and needs to spend time at 'home'. She will be at home, she is home with dad and me - it still counts! She'll just hang about and not do anything if she's tired, just like she'd do at mums - there is no difference.

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/07/2014 12:11

I appreciate that but the children may feel more 'at home' in one place or another. Perhaps the place they spend the most time or the place that they have lived the longest.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 25/07/2014 13:05

Yes, my parents weren't separated, but every school holiday I was dragged three hours drive away to my grandparents.

I wanted to be 'at home' with my stuff and my friends and just chill and unwind.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 25/07/2014 13:08

I suspect NRP feel guilty if they just let children be on access visits. They must feel a need to spend time doing things with their DCs (and they get it in the neck from The other parent if they just let DC play on the Xbox).

It must be a difficult balancing act. I have teen DDs, they like just to be left alone.

LadySybilLikesCake · 25/07/2014 13:56

Ah, I can get my 15 year old out of his pit if I say we're going to Alton Towers etc. Children can be easily bought. It's the promises of 'fun' activities which turn the absent parent into a disney dad/mum. The RP does all the grafting, the school runs, the homework, the baths, the doctors appointments etc, while the NRP gets the good times. I can see why this makes resentment, while the child see's the NRP as the fun parent and the RP as the strict one.

TheMumsRush · 25/07/2014 14:59

Pj, have you stopped your dc going to school because they are tired?

Bonsoir · 25/07/2014 15:16

So many cliches on this thread... RPs can be the Disney parent while NRPs desperately attempt to parent from the sidelines...

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/07/2014 16:50

Absolutely not no however I do think that visiting your parent is different to school. I'm not saying in anyway less important, more important if anything, but it can be more flexible, more adaptable.

I'm only speaking hypothetically here anyway as in an ideal world.

For example my dsis married a man with two children and contact was very informal, dad made sure he relocated close by, the kids had their set days pretty much 50/50 at both parents but they were free to swap and change if need be, if they wanted to swap their day they could however my dsis used to get pissed off because her dh would always be 'available' at the drop of a hat, yet the kids would sometimes chop and change, but ultimately everyone bit their tongue and it was the best for the kids in the end.

They're grown up now and all are happy well rounded young adults.

Because the adults all managed to act like adults even in the face of their annoyance.

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